malteaser04 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Hi. I'd really appreciate some advice I dumped my ex who i love dearly a year ago & I've been struggling to move on still. I have him blocked on facebook but every month or so we email. He emailed the other night & casually mentioned he met a girl recently and that he's now over me & asked if therefore we could now be facebook friends. I'm hurting so much imagining him kissing another girl and can't stop crying. It's been a year and the idea of dating another guy makes me sick because I'm just not over my ex. All advice on here seems to be for people who have been dumped though. I feel if he'd dumped me I'd have got over it easier as the situation would be beyond my control but I took the action to leave someone i love so I my minds in constant confusion For anyone wondering why I broke up with someone I deeply love... I had doubts from the start but couldn't help the incredible emotional and sexual connection we had. He was my first bf (I was 21) and person I slept with and ever had a connection with, first time I'd found someone who understood me. He adored me & was my best friend. Plus he was ridiculously attractive (younger version of Bradley Cooper, girls would turn their heads when he walked in the room!No way someone that attractive will fancy me again, i'm v. average looking). I felt so happy in his company. But his lifestyle hurt me. He was a video game addict spending HOURS every day on the comp, often had weed. He rarely left his house though was very charismatic when he rarely did go to a party/night out with my friends. He had bad insomnia so I'd often go round in the day & he'd be asleep, he often had suicidal and anxious thoughts & was cynical about people missed most uni lectures. I felt like I wanted to save him from all these issues and help him have more positive habits but I couldn't & it hurt so bad seeing someone I love live such a life trapped in a house playing games. So after 18 months, despite adoring him, forced myself to end it before getting more serious because I knew he'd never change . He pestered me and begged me back for months and months. I wanted him to think i wasn't bothered so he could move on, despite being broken inside. & now he's said he's over me and met another girl & I'm hurting so much because I love him and miss him more than anything. Feel like he's now dumped me. I love him so much and i'm hurting more than anything i've felt . I don't think i'll feel the way i felt about him about anyone else. The worst thing is he loved me so much. My mind felt i had no choice but to walk away but my heart never left him. I want my heart back . How/will i ever move on?
aeren944 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Hi there, Your ex sounds just like I used to be... back when I was a self-destructive idiot. Honestly, there's no reason for you to look back. I completely understand the first love thing, and the fact that you don't think you'll get someone as attractive as he was. Trust me, though, if he's battling depression, anxiety, and insomnia, and sinking himself into video games, he's got some crap to deal with on a personal level. I was the same way, suffered from the same issues, and self-medicated in the same way. I was able to be charismatic if I went out, but it was all fake. I was screw up inside, dealing with the crap that tended to get the best of me. I've learned that no one could have changed me, or forced me out of that funk. Not a girl, not a god, and nothing else. I had to come out of it myself. I don't know him, but I really don't think you should think you can change him. You sound much better than that. It sounds like you made the right decision ending it. I gotta suggest, don't be Facebook friends. It's just opening a door that will be very hard to close if he moves in again. Let him be, and forget about that girl he's met. Now she has to deal with that crap. So what if you're average looking? You obviously have a good heart, and I know you think that's not much, but I can tell you for a fact that that matters immensly. The older I've gotten, and the more I've gotten away from the self-medication, depression, anxiety, and video games, the more I'm seeing how stupid most "attractive" women can be. I use quotes for the word attractive because I honestly do NOT see the looks as such a big deal anymore. What's attractive is depth and a beautiful heart. I swear to god, that's so rare! Anyway, just wanted to throw my 2 cents in, since that dude sounds a lot like me... aside from the very attractive part. I hope this helps some. 4
Author malteaser04 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Hi there, Your ex sounds just like I used to be... back when I was a self-destructive idiot. Honestly, there's no reason for you to look back. I completely understand the first love thing, and the fact that you don't think you'll get someone as attractive as he was. Trust me, though, if he's battling depression, anxiety, and insomnia, and sinking himself into video games, he's got some crap to deal with on a personal level. I was the same way, suffered from the same issues, and self-medicated in the same way. I was able to be charismatic if I went out, but it was all fake. I was screw up inside, dealing with the crap that tended to get the best of me. I've learned that no one could have changed me, or forced me out of that funk. Not a girl, not a god, and nothing else. I had to come out of it myself. I don't know him, but I really don't think you should think you can change him. You sound much better than that. It sounds like you made the right decision ending it. I gotta suggest, don't be Facebook friends. It's just opening a door that will be very hard to close if he moves in again. Let him be, and forget about that girl he's met. Now she has to deal with that crap. So what if you're average looking? You obviously have a good heart, and I know you think that's not much, but I can tell you for a fact that that matters immensly. The older I've gotten, and the more I've gotten away from the self-medication, depression, anxiety, and video games, the more I'm seeing how stupid most "attractive" women can be. I use quotes for the word attractive because I honestly do NOT see the looks as such a big deal anymore. What's attractive is depth and a beautiful heart. I swear to god, that's so rare! Anyway, just wanted to throw my 2 cents in, since that dude sounds a lot like me... aside from the very attractive part. I hope this helps some. hey aeren. thanks so much for your lovely reply and kind words; it's so helpful/insightful to hear from someone who lived in a similar way to my ex (some friends don't understand why a loving relationship wasn't enough for me because all they could see was a guy who thought the world of me and his charismatic exterior but couldn't see his hermit life behind closed doors). So it's reassuring to hear that i did the right thing & that it's impossible to change someone with such deep routed self-destructive habits and that love isn't always enough. Do you mind me asking what made you change your ways in the end? Or do the issues still follow you and you've just learnt to deal with them in a healthier way? Were you a good partner whilst you were living like that? I guess sometimes i get annoyed at myself for not being able to have accepted him for who he was even with his flaws since i felt happier in his company than anything i'd experienced despite his issues and i worry that i'll settle more 'normal' guy but not feel as happy/connected with them. That's often the though process that goes through my head whenever i try to accept i made the right decision. Even thought he was a tortured soul, he was a lovely soul at the same time if that makes sense! Meh i know i need to properly move on now since it's been a year :( 1
aeren944 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Sorry it took me so long to respond... Honestly, I'm not completely out of the woods yet. I'm on anti-depressants now, and that helps. The biggest thing was coming to the realization that I *was* like that. I'm far from perfect. I still battle it now and again, but I've seen that I wasn't helping things by self-medicating and locking myself away from the world. I was NOT a good partner when I was like that, and I paid the price. My girl didn't dump me, she cheated on me, THEN dumped me, after we were engaged. So, that messed me up quite badly. It took a good 2 years after that before I began to realize the problem wasn't all her. I wasn't happy with it, but now that I'm older and farther out of the relationship, I've realized that both my ex and I are better off. I wasn't healthy for her in that state, because I was messed up internally. Granted, she didn't have to cheat on me and all that, but in the end, I think it was more healthy for her to get out, because, like your guy, I wasn't in the healthiest of places...
lemondrops11 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Sorry it took me so long to respond... Honestly, I'm not completely out of the woods yet. I'm on anti-depressants now, and that helps. The biggest thing was coming to the realization that I *was* like that. I'm far from perfect. I still battle it now and again, but I've seen that I wasn't helping things by self-medicating and locking myself away from the world. I was NOT a good partner when I was like that, and I paid the price. My girl didn't dump me, she cheated on me, THEN dumped me, after we were engaged. So, that messed me up quite badly. It took a good 2 years after that before I began to realize the problem wasn't all her. I wasn't happy with it, but now that I'm older and farther out of the relationship, I've realized that both my ex and I are better off. I wasn't healthy for her in that state, because I was messed up internally. Granted, she didn't have to cheat on me and all that, but in the end, I think it was more healthy for her to get out, because, like your guy, I wasn't in the healthiest of places... Sorry to hear that she cheated on you and i'm glad to hear you're in a better place than you were before. Last week I kind of let out all the emotion i'd been repressing all this time. i was trying to do the right thing before when he was begging me back and acted indifferently to be strong for him to get over me. but i let it all out last week & sent him lots of emotional outbursts for the first time all year, saying how much i missed him, that i wish the hurt would just go, that i can't get him out my head etc etc! and then told him he can't contact me anymore so i can get over him. i've now blocked him on twitter (he's still blocked on fbk), & took the difficult step of deleting all bar 1 of our mutual fbk friends. in our final exchange of email he was really lovely about everything and he apologized for how he was when we were together, said the break up was his fault, apologized for not looking out for himself and also thanked me because he said he remembered some words i'd said to him and they saved him from taking his life, and said he's in a better place now & that he'd love to be friends whenever/ if ever i'm ready. i told him i don't think my feelings will ever go and said he can't email me again even if it's been a year of not hearing from me and thanked him for our lovely relationship, for giving me the experience of pure happiness for a short period of my life and said goodbye. That was the toughest message i've ever had to send! i'm in a weird phase of feeling sad that i felt i had to give up love and couldn't accept someone i love, and thinking 'what if' i'd just given him another chance but it's over now, he's seeing another girl. and at the time i couldn't see how he would change so i guess it's the right thing. i hope soon i can believe with conviction that it was for the best to not be together & not keep doubting myself! anyway, thanks again for your replies, sorry for rambling
crederer Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Well, it sounds like he had some issues but none of them sounded to me like dump-worthy issues imo. No one is perfect. Sounds like you made a mistake based on your account of things. Just remember in the future that this is a learning experience for you as well and don't make the mistake of breaking things off with a person you love for him not being perfect. After all, none of us are.
aeren944 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Well, it sounds like he had some issues but none of them sounded to me like dump-worthy issues imo. No one is perfect. Sounds like you made a mistake based on your account of things. Just remember in the future that this is a learning experience for you as well and don't make the mistake of breaking things off with a person you love for him not being perfect. After all, none of us are. I disagree. Making decisions based on your account of things is what life's all about. If he isn't living up to how you want a boyfriend, it's totally in your right to shut it down. He will think its wrong, others will think its wrong, but the only head you get to live in is your own. Second guessing your decision is not productive, because, like you said, he's got another girlfriend. Again, let her deal with the negatives of him... you go out and find some positives that fit.
crederer Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I don't know why you feel this way either. My ex dumped me for no reason, I treated her great and everyone (her family, my family, our mutual friends) were all so shocked to hear it (as well was I), and a few people actually thought we were pulling a prank because we seemed like the greatest couple. She heard through the grape vine I slept with a couple of women since our break up (4 months ago) and she got very upset with me when we happened to bump into eachother at a social gathering. She basically said that she can't believe I got over her so fast (which I'm not over her at all) and that she hasn't been with anyone and was not happy that I was. I basically just said "well you broke up with me, 4 months ago, and I'm not going to be celibate for the rest of my life in hopes that you'll come back". She then hugged me with tears in her eyes (she never cries) and ran off. I was like "wtf just happened?" Maybe it's just a possession type of deal. You feel, even though you broke up, that he still belongs to you. 1
aeren944 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 To you and yours, she dumped you for no reason. But, and I'm totally guessing, she might've dumped you because she was no longer in love with you. There's any number of reasons. We, as dumpees, tend to focus on our negativity. "Something I must've done pushed him/her away... made them stop loving me." That's not always the case. Sometimes something changed, sometimes something is lost, sometimes trust is an issue. My point is, there's TONS of reasons.
robaday Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Your not being fair to him having emotional outbursts at this late stage! I understand this is really hard for you and Im sorry for that but its really not cool to put this on him anymore! please let him go and look after yourself
Author malteaser04 Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Well, it sounds like he had some issues but none of them sounded to me like dump-worthy issues imo. No one is perfect. Sounds like you made a mistake based on your account of things. Just remember in the future that this is a learning experience for you as well and don't make the mistake of breaking things off with a person you love for him not being perfect. After all, none of us are. i don't think i made a mistake tbh. Yes i loved/love him dearly and don't know if i'll ever feel that way about someone again and i'm going through a tough time in my mind pushing away the feelings and happy memories. But i think sometimes love isn't enough. I completely adored his company & he loved me a lot but someone who spends approx 7 hours a day on video games, smokes weed regularly, can't be bothered to work towards anything and get a job, has suicidal thoughts etc hurts to live with. It hurts when someone you adore lives like that and you have to spend half your time worrying about how they're living and not be able to help. So despite missing him, i don't think it was a mistake to walk away. I put up with a lot for the sake of a beautiful bond between two people & something was telling me i had to walk away & find someone more stable even if the loves not the same... On a separate note; what do you all think about going to see a councellor to help move on? Do you think it's not serious enough a reason to go? I've been feeling depressed about the break up for 14 months now (despite seeming chirpy to people on the outside, i cry a few days a week, feel constantly empty & like an outsider without my ex to talk to, don't feel excited about anything etc). Feel stupid when people have gone through FAR worse things which they seek help for. But i've been feeling like this for such a long time now & things don't seem to be improving. I used to be an optimist & since the break up i've become a cynical & confused person :S 1
Author malteaser04 Posted July 28, 2013 Author Posted July 28, 2013 Your not being fair to him having emotional outbursts at this late stage! I understand this is really hard for you and Im sorry for that but its really not cool to put this on him anymore! please let him go and look after yourself i appreciate that it probably wasn't right to burden him with my feelings. think i spent a lot of time being 'fair' to him & 'doing the right thing' for him that it had built up so much pretending to be indifferent & it just all came out. We're on n/c though now - i asked him never to contact me again. He's over me anyway now though & seemed totally indifferent to me :/
NomiMalone Posted July 29, 2013 Posted July 29, 2013 Malteaser, I can sympathize because I left the love of my life for the same reasons (he had way more issues on top of the ones you mentioned). We loved each other to death and leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done. 2 thoughts that are helping me accept the situation somewhat are: 1) These guys would be much happier with girlfriends who are happy to do similar - stay at home all day to smoke weed and play games whilst surviving off welfare benefits/dealing. Who are we to deny them that when we aren't able to provide them with that type of company? When you can no longer accept something your partner does, you have an obligation to walk away and let them find someone more compatible and with whom a relationship wouldn't be so much of a struggle.* 2) Take this as a new lease on life. Now you have the freedom to pursue everything you've ever wanted to pursue eg write a book, go on a holiday, do adventurous things. The sky is the limit. Think of how you've escaped a lifetime stuck at home gaming and becoming a pothead! The only way you can truly heal and move on is NC. You've done the right thing for yourself, and I know it must've been hard. Be good to yourself, don't be hard on yourself, and go and do things you enjoy
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