spring9201 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I began having a non-commital sexual relationship 5 years ago. For simplicity's sake we'll call her Molly. Over time (about 3 years) lust turned to love on both our parts. However, I was never really ready to date someone exclusively. Around that same time I got another FWB pregnant. I had feelings for her (nothing to the extent Molly) and decided since I had such a horrible childhood my kid deserved to have a father present and I would be committed to this relationship now...not for me, or for her but for our child. Molly was devestated. She had thought it was only a matter of time before I would date her exclusively. This is when things get complicated...and I started to make mistakes. Molly and I tried NC, failed and soon fell back into a sexual relationship. I fely guilty, horrible, but was also satisfying the love and passion I was getting at home. Child was born. Relationship with Molly continued. I told Molly a number of times that I was concerned that the longer we were together the more likely it was that she would never find someone else and start a family of her own. She insisted she was dating other people but didn't want me out of her life. As time went by I realized how much damage I was causing. I love my kid and how can I not love the woman who gave me the greatest thing I ever made? I decided if I was really serious about being a family man I needed to make an honest woman of her. We got engaged. Once again, Molly was destroyed. She had envisioned me seeing the light, leaving the mother of my child and starting a family with her and my kid. She cut me off and we did not speak...for a while. Once again, the lust and love that was lacking at home combined with Molly contacting me led to another couple meetings. I was once again blinded by all the things I wasn't getting at home. Imagine my suprise when Molly suddenly cut things off because she had met a nice guy and needed to give herself a chance at finding a real relationship. I applauded her. Of course I don't like being rejected, who does? But I decided this was a great opportunity to finally confront the issues we were having at home. I didn't discuss the affair but discussed what I felt was missing. Turns out she was unhappy too. We're currently in therapy. I don't want to tell her about the A. She's a good person, I want this to work and I know she will leave me and take my child if she ever found out. Now it gets messy. Despite Molly being in a new relationship she still expects daily contact via text. She has told me she has no desire in reconnecting sexually but she doesn't want to lose me in her life. When I have tried to break off contact she becomes totally irrational and I beleieve she could do something stupid...like call my house. So I have decided to placate the situation with meaningless texts, and hope this need of hers will die out as hew new relationship grows (they've been seeing each other for about a month). So, I feel like I'm being controlled...which really pisses me off. But I also feel like the moment I try and take that control back I put my life in serious danger. Have I become Molly's security blanket? if things don't work out with new boy she knows/thinks I'm still there for the taking? Something to placate her until she finds the match that fits? Looking for thoughts and possible solutions. Telling mother of my child is in no way a solution.
Author spring9201 Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 I beleieve at some point I said love I WAS getting at home...obviously meant WASN'T. Sorry
veryhappy Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 You are asking us how to get rid of Molly without your good wife finding out, after Molly has believed for 3 years that she'll be the chosen one. You made your bed and if your wife not finding out is that important, you'd better find some new material for those daily texts. If you're lucky, one day she won't reply anymore. 1
Author spring9201 Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Agreed. I'm also wondering if you think I'm now being used as some sort of security blanket. How serious can Molly be when she keeps me in the wings?
jphcbpa Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Agreed. I'm also wondering if you think I'm now being used as some sort of security blanket. How serious can Molly be when she keeps me in the wings? Yes, she is keeping one foot in the door just in case. That is not fair to all 4 of you.
Author spring9201 Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Thanks. I truly appreciate the feedback and the forum. Writing that all down was the best therapy I've had in years.
veryhappy Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Agreed. I'm also wondering if you think I'm now being used as some sort of security blanket. How serious can Molly be when she keeps me in the wings? I think you need to get over yourself. You are scared she is going to out you, so that's why you feel used. You are not man enough to tell her that you are completely not interested and face the possibility of explaining your infidelity to your wife. I would much rather say that you have used her after your ex FWB turned wife got pregnant than she is using you now. You must be forgetting all the stuff you told her over the years. Oh baby I'm staying for the child, oh baby I have no passion or emotional connection at home. Oh baby you are all I want, too bad she got pregnant and I felt forced to be with her. Imagine that...the woman got her hopes up and had you as this fariytale story...that ended in you working on your marriage. Either man up and take that chance of your wife finding out or manage your exOW. Daily texts doesn't sound that bad really. Hopefully she'll figure out soon you're just another coward man who's not worth any time and attention. One last thought...when you'll be tempted to go back to her years from now because you can't build passion and chemistry where there wasn't enough...don't. Simply leave her alone. 2
awkward Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 My advice is to take away her power and tell your wife yourself. Your wife will find out ... it is just a matter of time. If you are honest, you could probably repair your marriage. Lies, deceit, etc. are not at all healthy and will likely end you up in divorce court. 1
Author spring9201 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Hard not to agree with you cutedragon. For the record though...I never whispered those sweet nothings into her ear. Whenever she asked me how things were at home I told her not to concern herself with that. I told her everything was fine at home and that I loved both women in different ways for different reasons. I'll wear the coward label. I've told Molly i'm not worthy of her love or my fiance's love (we're still engaged, sorry if that wasn't clear). But anything she believes about our potential future was assumed at worst, offhandedly implied at best. I know she can't take my kid away...techinically. But she can move out. She can limit my time. Right now, I have full access 24/7 to my kid...which is the most important thing to me.
Balzac Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Actually your access to child is second priority. You are a willing pawn in this drama. Schedule a consult w an attorney, lay it all out, have a cease and desist letter sent to Molly. How and when you tell your fiancé/wife is totally within your control. Grab your ballz and get some legal advice. 1
veryhappy Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Doing things out of fear is not a good path in life. If you want to spend your life with the mother of your child, what makes it so impossible to confess? She likely will want to work it out. If you knew for certain she would stay, would you confess? It's hard for me to believe you haven't given false hopes to Molly, but...it doesn't really matter much now, does it? She's reduced to a nuisance and a fear of blowing up your life. You need to leave Molly out of it and really think of coming clean with your fiance. If you want the real thing wih her, make it happen. First step is to be honest. 1
Balzac Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 It's a relationship/marriage of convenience. As such you can easily structure a prenup/postnup w escalating rewards for longevity tied to shared child's age. Easy enough. You seem pretty smart. You get how this works. In the meantime: investigate this on your own. decided since I had such a horrible childhood my kid deserved to have a father present and I would be committed to this relationship now...not for me, or for her but for our child.
Author spring9201 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Gotta be honest... hadn't even considered a prenup. I'm calling my lawyer now. Thanks.
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