Tryin2MoveOn Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 I was with my boyfriend for 3 years. We were deliriously happy -- one of those couples everyone said would "make it." But we broke up in August because, after 3 failed marriage attempts, he said he couldn't imagine taking that chance again. For a few weeks before that, we'd talked about going to see a therapist together. I wanted to at least give us a shot before we gave up on each other. He agreed to that initially, but eventually admitted he could never see himself getting married again. He said -- and I believe him -- that if he couldn't make it work with me, he knew he couldn't make it work with anyone. For two months, we had no contact. About a month ago, he e-mailed me out of the blue. It was just friendly at first, but as it progressed, in various e-mails he: -- told me he missed me; -- wanted to come by and see the cat we adopted together; -- asked about little items he'd left behind (like hair clippers, etc.), even though he'd long since picked it all up; -- told me his daughter and I were the only things holding it together for him for years, and that now he's "just waiting to die;" -- has asked indirectly, many times, if I've been seeing anyone; -- asked (and I'm not sure he was kidding) if I wanted to have sex; and, most recently... -- said he'd like for us to be friends and "see what happens." In every case, I never answered him directly, just "deflected" his comments. But yesterday, I realized that we're not really "just friends." True friends aren't afraid to broach certain topics, like romance -- dating, etc. -- and that's something that would hurt either of us to know about the other. I told him I needed him not to contact me until the point came when both of us could imagine the other person with someone else and, basically, not want to puke all over our shoes. He said he'd respect that, and we haven't spoken since. The problem is, I miss that contact. I looked forward to it every day. I liked knowing he missed me and that I wasn't alone in this. Does anyone have any advice for keeping yourself sane and NOT getting in contact when you've severed the ties??
ltomlinson81 Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 I am in the exact same situation. I am trying to stay strong and not respond. That is the best thing to do. It all gets too confusing when you try to respond. It gets messy.
Author Tryin2MoveOn Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 He used to say, even when we were together, that he contemplated suicide every single day. I guess that's part of my guilt -- I don't know WHAT he'd really do. But he's been through failed MARRIAGES -- could this really be as bad?
gersanos Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Do all the things that I am sure you have heard from everyone: focus on work, school, exercising, meeting new people, going out with friends, family, etc. Whatever you do, do not contact. It is difficult for me as well because not only was my X my girlfriend, but she was also my best friend. We were not friends before we started dating, but naturally became best friends as our relationship progressed. I think I am over her and enjoying myself, but then out of nowhere comes this strong urge of missing her and wanting to talk with her really badly. I restrain myself by thinking about how she was when we broke-up and that helps. I focus on her negative qualities and how she treated me at the end. That helps for these moments to pass, and I continue on with my life.
Author Tryin2MoveOn Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 I'm grateful for all your advice -- keep it coming! Even if it's just reinforcement that I'm doing the right thing. Or, if someone thinks I'm doing the WRONG thing, tell me. This just sucks because it feels a lot like it did right after we broke up.
Author Tryin2MoveOn Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 My ex and I were best friends, too. How long ago did you break up? About how long can I expect to go through this?
gersanos Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Tryin2MoveOn- We broke up 7 weeks ago from tomorrow. It's been getting better, but I have recently begun to have dreams about her as well, so when I awake in the morning I miss her. No negative feelings are associated with this, but I try to think about negative qualities about her so it passes. So I guess I can sum it up as things have been getting better, but I still have bumps and potholes in the road, as opposed to any backtracking in my recovery. When I am tempted to call her, I have this scenario that I'll call her and we'll both just be like we used to be - all sweet talking and missing each other and all that good stuff. Aahhh, my fantasies. All I can do is move on.
bluechocolate Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 I told him I needed him not to contact me until the point came when both of us could imagine the other person with someone else and, basically, not want to puke all over our shoes. Wise. Keep reminding yourself that if you DO contact him you'll be taking a giant step backwards & it will take longer & longer to move on. Like picking a scab off an old wound, you'll bleed & then another scab, pick, bleed, scab - then you'll have an ugly scar! All of the things you listed that he's said are ways he's using to try to get back into your life - you're right, being friends is not going to work. Not now. He can get another cat. Sex would certainly be out of the question & if he is indeed suicidal then he needs a doctor, not a girlfriend. If you're determined that it is over then stick to your guns.
Author Tryin2MoveOn Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 It's definitely over. There are 2 major problems that he hasn't changed his mind about: He doesn't want marriage or kids. I can't imagine a future without those things. On a related note, I wonder how other people without such major dealbreakers stay apart. This is my first real long-term relationship, and it's tough to stay away even WITH the two most major relationship hurdles keeping me from going back.
Mary3 Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 If you had an incredible relationship then I would have hung on to that precious union even if he did not want to get married which in his case might be understandable. Did you soley break up because he would not marry you ? A union is based on so much and is hard to find with someone who takes it seriously and being married might be everything you were looking for but would you have considered living together as man and wife but not legally ? He has had some failed marraiges but would it have still been an incredible relationship without a wedding band on your finger ? I would give him another chance ! ! Love is precious....
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