Author KaceyB Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 He has communication issues as well, not just me. My goal is not to beg for him to take me back or convince him. I'm not going to go into this first meetup spilling my guts out. the advice from this post has helped me realize that that is not the right path to take.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 (edited) I see both sides. And i dont think you can speak for everyone and put a time limit on things. yes maybe a month would not work for you, but for me it has been enough time to identify the problems,etc. This isn't my first breakup, i have had different experiences in the past, and honestly with my past breakups i knew it was unfixable and i moved on and did NC indefinitely. The big thing for me is that i knew the communication problems were there prior to the breakup. When the breakup comes as less of a shock i think you come at it from a different perspective. I know the issues that we had and i am more than willing to being more expressive and becoming a better communicator. Yes this does not happen overnight. Was the breakup a wake up call to me to realize that wow i do need to communicate better? yes. I have been applying this more to my friendships over the past month. Do i also realize that this takes two? yes. This was not some crazy dramatic breakup, it was a buildup of not communicating properly over a period of time. THere were no other issues in the relationship. I recognize that yes i did get dumped. however i do not see the harm in having a mature discussion about the relationship and what ultimately led to the breakup and to see if we could work on our communication together. I know how i feel and i know i would want to make it work for the right reasons/the long haul. No, it is not an overnight fix and i would not try to jump back in immediately where we left off because obviously that would not work. If two people can recognize an issue and talk about it and strive to be better people because of it then what is the harm done? If he's not willing then ok he's not willing. I honestly think the whole wait X amount of months thing is bs, i could understand if it had been like a week or two. It is just my opinion and everyone has different experiences. As far as fear goes, its more of a nerves thing. But honestly like how is every meeting up with an ex not at least a little nerve wracking. it is just the unknown, i think thats a natural feeling What you fail to grasp is that it takes two to come to this conclusion. The time off isn't just for you -- it's for him as well. He has to miss you and he has to want to work with you. You doing work is great and all, but if he's not willing to meet you halfway, then it doesn't really matter. Personally I believe that once you think you are ready, then you should wait a month to make sure it's actually legit and not just you talking tough to try to speed things up (which is what I suspect is going on with you). If you think you might be ready now, why not wait another 30 days to make sure? I mean, if you truly value this person and you really want a long-lasting relationship with them, isn't it worth waiting to make sure that you are settled and you can put your best foot forward? What's the damn hurry? And I'm sorry, there is no possible way you can have me believe a month isn't enough time for permanent, long-lasting change. Can you temporarily change? Sure, people do it all the time at New Year's -- why do you think gyms are packed most of the most of January? Problem is, most of those people get satisfied with their temporary change, get complacent and settle back into old patterns. By the time March arrives, they're never at the gym anymore. Same thing happens when it comes to interpersonal behavior, especially with someone you are familiar with. There's no set timetable for this, but the more patient you are, the better it'll be. You seem like you read one of those "go NC for a month and text your ex" programs, went 30 days and now you are putting pressure on yourself to make a move "before it's too late" out of fear. I mean, I've seen people reconcile in short time and I've seen people actually take their time and take the process seriously before reconciling. The ones that reconcile quickly tend to break back up just as quickly (or get caught in an undesirable FWB scenario, which you might be careening right in to right now). As for the other one? Well, I'm attending two weddings in the next year of people who broke up, took significant time of NC or very limited LC (like 6-plus months) and who built their relationships back slowly. As for the "well, why not just try now and if it doesn't work, then f--k it" mentality, I think that's foolish for two reasons. a) why wouldn't you want to go into a venture like this with the best possibility of success? why be so haphazard and impatient and b) if you are plotting a reconciliation, the odds of you being able to just drop it cold turkey are slim to none. If it doesn't work, you'll stew about it some more, then come up with something you could have said that is sure to change his mind, contact him expressing that for it not to work. Wash, rinse, repeat. Maybe you are the minority that can just turn it off like that, and if you are, more power to you, but I'm skeptical. You're going to do what you are going to do regardless of what people say. And I'll wish you luck and hope you buck the overwhelming trend. But I'd be remiss if I didn't warn you about the buzzsaw you are likely charging right in to. Edited July 10, 2013 by Simon Phoenix 4
Author KaceyB Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Thanks Pheonix, your response means a lot. I know there is no way i am going to be able to talk myself out of meeting him this weekend, i just know myself too well to fool myself otherwise. So i will just see how it feels and take it slow, and act like my normal self. I won't bring up the past, i wont talk about how i've changed/been working on it. Won't try to force things as you are right, it takes two not just one. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Thanks Pheonix, your response means a lot. I know there is no way i am going to be able to talk myself out of meeting him this weekend, i just know myself too well to fool myself otherwise. So i will just see how it feels and take it slow, and act like my normal self. I won't bring up the past, i wont talk about how i've changed/been working on it. Won't try to force things as you are right, it takes two not just one. You really should reconsider this. At the very least, do not follow up to confirm the meeting, let him do the work on that. If he doesn't. let the meeting slide.
Author KaceyB Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 I'm def not gonna ask if we are still meeting, i am going to wait to see if he says anything about it. If he doesn't i won't push it
Simon Phoenix Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I'm def not gonna ask if we are still meeting, i am going to wait to see if he says anything about it. If he doesn't i won't push it Good plan.
flitzanu Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Thanks Pheonix, your response means a lot. I know there is no way i am going to be able to talk myself out of meeting him this weekend, i just know myself too well to fool myself otherwise. So i will just see how it feels and take it slow, and act like my normal self. I won't bring up the past, i wont talk about how i've changed/been working on it. Won't try to force things as you are right, it takes two not just one. NOW you are understanding!
Author KaceyB Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 NOW you are understanding! slowly but surely! haha
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