Play it cool or take a big risk?

[KaceyB]

My ex and i had a very non-dramatic/mature breakup about a month ago. He ultimately broke up with me but i had definitely felt it coming for a little bit. I am not good at opening up to people and expressing how i feel and neither is my ex at times and i feel like this is what caused our downfall.

 

I more or less agreed with the breakup and told him that i did recognize we both had some communication issues and our relationship began to turn into more of a friendship feeling, the spark was still there just not as strong. However, aside from that our relationship was filled with trust and respect and we always had a great time together. I went one month wiht no contact until this past weekend. I just texted him asking if he had a good 4th and that if he was free i'd like to see him over the weekend. He responded right away and said that he had to work all day saturday and most of sunday so he was not too free. (This was another problem, his job, which is changing in a few weeks, was very time consuming and we spent more random time together vs quality time, and even he admitted to that when we broke up..saying "we just need to make it better in teh future") dk what he really ment by that.

 

At this point i did not know if this was an avoidance tactic or what so texted back i asked him if a better time worked for him or if he was just not interested in meeting up with me. He's very honest so i knew he would tell me the truth. He told me that he is not working this coming weekend so we can meet up then. so i guess that is some progress.

 

 

I dont want to mess this up. I've been reading on this forum a lot and i think the best situation would just be to meet him in public somewhere for a coffee or something and act completely normal, not talk of the breakup/past problems.

 

I have accepted that whatever happened in the past cannot change and i am done with the "What ifs" etc. However i am totally willing to work on my communication issues and express my feelings better, the breakup was def a big wake up call on how i do not communciate my feelings well at times. I do realize that relationships do take work sometimes but i also realize that it takes two to make it work and if he is not interested in that then i will move on for good. But idk if i should take the risk and bring this up on our first encounter after the breakup. Some of my friends are telling me i should just take the risk and put all my feelings on the table how i have been feeling and how i recognize what our main problem was in the relationship...but i am not sure if thats the right path to take. I've thought a lot about how i feel about him and if i was doing this because i wanted a bf/not be single, i would not meet up with him. I just feel like i would totally regret it if i never expressed to him how i actually felt ad how i feel as though if we are both willing it can work out, because i know it can if we both put in the effort.

 

any advice would be great!

 

thanks for reading

[for666]

well if you wont take the risk the "WHAT if" will hunt you forever

what if i took the risk

think about it this way

yes you can get hurt if he doesn't want to work things out

but ! that's deffrant position (than it's he's problem that he need to deal with not your's)

i suggest to take the risk

1 its gonna prove that you want to work things out and you understand the problem AK communication

2 you have noting to lose

 

you have noting to lose here

really noting

if you don't take the risk its done

and regret is a bitch!

if you take the risk so you can get hurt yes but the pain of breaking up gonna hunt you with the risk or with no risk

think about it

 

but i say yes give a hit at-least in the future you wont have IF's

[KaceyB]

thanks,

 

that is kind of been my train of thought. I don't know that i would even want to have any kind of friendship with him so i think i just need to take the risk and tell him what i've been thinking/feeling the past month rather than just trying ti wiggle my way back in slowly and always just wanting to tell him how i feel.

[Simon Phoenix]

thanks,

 

that is kind of been my train of thought. I don't know that i would even want to have any kind of friendship with him so i think i just need to take the risk and tell him what i've been thinking/feeling the past month rather than just trying ti wiggle my way back in slowly and always just wanting to tell him how i feel.

 

Wait, you are doing this after a month? Yeesh. Way, way too soon. I would try to call this off.

[KaceyB]

I'm not going to change how i feel in the aspect of being willing to work on our communication issues etc. I rather just talk to him now then wait it out and sit around wondering when i should do it if i know i am going to do it eventually.

 

I am at a very calm place right now, and i have been for the last few weeks. Our relationship had a simple problem that was never discussed in the open and instead the relationship was ended.

 

I've accepted it's over and im not trying to change the past just letting him know i recognize why it happened and would be willing to try and reset (not jump back in immediately) and talk about it. I'm just ready to be open with him and take that risk, even if it is too late, and let him know how i felt but i know it takes two to work.

[Simon Phoenix]

I rather just talk to him now then wait it out and sit around wondering when i should do it if i know i am going to do it eventually.

 

 

This is a really bad mindset. It's not a race, there's no time limit on this. Having this conversation this soon is not a good idea. And if you had taken the proper time, maybe you'd realize that this conversation isn't evitable.

 

I mean, the breakup is still fresh. You are really going to come out and just lay it on the line? Please don't do this. Either be fun and flirty or, preferably, call it off and spend more time away from him.

[KaceyB]

That is very true, it is not a race and you make a good point. I dont think i would just flat out be like ok this is why we are meeting up to talk. i want this this and this.

 

I will start off just going with whatever the vibe is and being my normal friendly self. but if it comes up i will talk about it openly

 

i was shocked my ex did not ask me what i wanted to talk about before agreeing to meet me, i definitely thought he would have.

[Simon Phoenix]

That is very true, it is not a race and you make a good point. I dont think i would just flat out be like ok this is why we are meeting up to talk. i want this this and this.

 

I will start off just going with whatever the vibe is and being my normal friendly self. but if it comes up i will talk about it openly

 

i was shocked my ex did not ask me what i wanted to talk about before agreeing to meet me, i definitely thought he would have.

 

I would still strongly urge you to cancel the meeting. Say that something came up, he won't hold it against you. And for why he didn't ask, it's because he probably doesn't care. He's the dumper, he can be friends with you in his mind because he was the one who dumped you. He can still have the good parts of you that he wants without having a relationship.

[KaceyB]

i think that is what sways me towards just letting him know i feel and where i stand with the breakup. I know i do not want a friendship with him, it would be pointless.

 

As for canceling, i will wait and see how i feel by the weekend. He told me he was not working this weekend and we could meet so i will let him contact me if he wants to still meet up.

[aloneinaz]

What's the point of the meet up? He dumped you, told you he didn't want you in his life as his lover, friend or anything else. You contact him a month later and out of guilt, he agrees to meet you. I just don't see any value in meeting him.

 

In your mind, you might be thinking he'll see you, fall for you again and give you another shot? That's not going to fix anything. He broke up with you once, he'd do it again. Ask me how I know..

 

I'm really thinking that once someone ends a relationship that wasn't due to drugs, booze or cheating, shouldn't get a second chance. There was something in you that they didn't like so they ended it. Yea, maybe they come back because they're lonely or haven't met anyone better but trust me, the new honeymoon will be short and they'll dump you again. If they REALLY, truly loved you, they'd work thru the problems, not kick you to the curb, risking you meeting someone else.

[KaceyB]

When he dumped me he was balling his eyes out, told me he cared about me, and to call him anytime that i wanted to.

 

then told me two days later in the future we need to work on spending more quality time together.. i never responded until i contacted him this past weekend 4 weeks later.

[Simon Phoenix]

When he dumped me he was balling his eyes out, told me he cared about me, and to call him anytime that i wanted to.

 

then told me two days later in the future we need to work on spending more quality time together.. i never responded until i contacted him this past weekend 4 weeks later.

 

He was bawling because he felt bad. Doesn't mean the breakup was any less genuine or desired by him.

[flitzanu]

yup. he's the one that dumped you, that means he wanted to end it. he knows how you feel, obviously. he needs to be the one telling YOU that he wants to work on things.

[KaceyB]

I agree. But is him agreeing to meet with me not any sign? and telling me we have to work on spending more quality time together in the future?

 

I know my ex, he is always honest. He would have had no problem telling me that it is too soon, it would make me feel worse, he doesnt want to etc.

[flitzanu]

not unless you want to be his sex pal. if he wants to fix the relationship he will tell you. i'd almost GUARANTEE he is keeping you close just to have you as a backup plan. i spend quality time with my friends, that doesn't mean we are dating.

[KaceyB]

I guess i will just have to find out for myself when i see him and maybe the hard way, but that is life and i'm willing to take the chance.

 

nothing is ever certain and you never know what someone else is thinking (may it be good or bad)

[veggirl]

If you have communication issues, you need to fix that before trying a relationship again, with him or anyone else. It doesn't sound like any of the issues you guys had have been resolved, which is understandable because change takes a long time. If you got back together, it'd be the same. You can't just be all "oh yeah I'll try to change" you have to ACTUALLY DO IT. have you done it? have you taken steps to change? active steps?

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree. But is him agreeing to meet with me not any sign? and telling me we have to work on spending more quality time together in the future?

 

I know my ex, he is always honest. He would have had no problem telling me that it is too soon, it would make me feel worse, he doesnt want to etc.

 

No and no. It means nothing.

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess i will just have to find out for myself when i see him and maybe the hard way, but that is life and i'm willing to take the chance.

 

nothing is ever certain and you never know what someone else is thinking (may it be good or bad)

 

You aren't ready though. Once again, what's the damn rush?

[cavalier99]

Wow guys still here? Kidding. Rock on! Cav

[for666]

you all don't help her listen to her problem

 

1 big sign that both don't know how to communicate

2 he doesn't have 2 much time ( he can get occupied so for that think less of her)

3. time is interesting factor here again cos he can get occupied and think less of her + communication problems

 

he won't break up to confess if he have communication problems he gonna borrow those feeling dawn and get pass them

even do maby he loves her to his f bone!

people with communication problems are BULLS with horn's when it come's to emotion or showing them

 

look at her even she is here asking for help!

a communication problem!

 

those are HUGE flags

 

what you want her to do??

wait 2 more month and than come to him???

chances are he gonna say well its to late now i don't love you anymore (COS he got occupied!!!)

 

and she gonna say F it i miss'd the change and regret it later

 

they are broken up!! she have noting to lose!

losing you'r ego is pathetic thinking in terms of love

you cant lose you'r ego in front of a person that loves you

 

and if she gets denied WOOP she is back to alone again like she is NOW

so lose or win?

take a chance?

i say f it it's just an ego and 100% no if's later

[for666]

+ when you talk to him do a favor tell him that he have communication problems 2 and that you both need to work it out or lose each other again

 

love is a tango of 2

and no one is a MIND reader

[Simon Phoenix]

you all don't help her listen to her problem

 

1 big sign that both don't know how to communicate

2 he doesn't have 2 much time ( he can get occupied so for that think less of her)

3. time is interesting factor here again cos he can get occupied and think less of her + communication problems

 

he won't break up to confess if he have communication problems he gonna borrow those feeling dawn and get pass them

even do maby he loves her to his f bone!

people with communication problems are BULLS with horn's when it come's to emotion or showing them

 

look at her even she is here asking for help!

a communication problem!

 

those are HUGE flags

 

what you want her to do??

wait 2 more month and than come to him???

chances are he gonna say well its to late now i don't love you anymore (COS he got occupied!!!)

 

and she gonna say F it i miss'd the change and regret it later

 

they are broken up!! she have noting to lose!

losing you'r ego is pathetic thinking in terms of love

you cant lose you'r ego in front of a person that loves you

 

and if she gets denied WOOP she is back to alone again like she is NOW

so lose or win?

take a chance?

i say f it it's just an ego and 100% no if's later

 

I completely disagree with everything you just posted, at least the parts I understood. Some of it I just couldn't really figure out what you were trying to say.

 

Either way, I think both you and the OP are being incredibly shortsighted. The point isn't to get back together, the point is to find a relationship where you can stay together for the long haul. A month isn't long enough to work on things and it's not long enough for emotions to settle. Heck, you are six months out and you are still a mess.

 

You reek of fear, as does the OP (though not nearly as much). Fear is not attractive. Fear will not get you where you want to go. So yeah, if I understood you, I couldn't disagree more with pretty much everything you typed.

[KaceyB]

I completely disagree with everything you just posted, at least the parts I understood. Some of it I just couldn't really figure out what you were trying to say.

 

Either way, I think both you and the OP are being incredibly shortsighted. The point isn't to get back together, the point is to find a relationship where you can stay together for the long haul. A month isn't long enough to work on things and it's not long enough for emotions to settle. Heck, you are six months out and you are still a mess.

 

You reek of fear, as does the OP (though not nearly as much). Fear is not attractive. Fear will not get you where you want to go. So yeah, if I understood you, I couldn't disagree more with pretty much everything you typed.

 

 

I see both sides. And i dont think you can speak for everyone and put a time limit on things. yes maybe a month would not work for you, but for me it has been enough time to identify the problems,etc. This isn't my first breakup, i have had different experiences in the past, and honestly with my past breakups i knew it was unfixable and i moved on and did NC indefinitely. The big thing for me is that i knew the communication problems were there prior to the breakup. When the breakup comes as less of a shock i think you come at it from a different perspective. I know the issues that we had and i am more than willing to being more expressive and becoming a better communicator. Yes this does not happen overnight. Was the breakup a wake up call to me to realize that wow i do need to communicate better? yes. I have been applying this more to my friendships over the past month. Do i also realize that this takes two? yes.

 

This was not some crazy dramatic breakup, it was a buildup of not communicating properly over a period of time. THere were no other issues in the relationship. I recognize that yes i did get dumped. however i do not see the harm in having a mature discussion about the relationship and what ultimately led to the breakup and to see if we could work on our communication together. I know how i feel and i know i would want to make it work for the right reasons/the long haul. No, it is not an overnight fix and i would not try to jump back in immediately where we left off because obviously that would not work. If two people can recognize an issue and talk about it and strive to be better people because of it then what is the harm done? If he's not willing then ok he's not willing.

 

I honestly think the whole wait X amount of months thing is bs, i could understand if it had been like a week or two. It is just my opinion and everyone has different experiences. As far as fear goes, its more of a nerves thing. But honestly like how is every meeting up with an ex not at least a little nerve wracking. it is just the unknown, i think thats a natural feeling

Edited July 10, 2013 by KaceyB

[flitzanu]

let me see if i understand you.

 

he dumped you.

 

you think you have communication problems, so in this month you've fixed those problems and you're going to go tell him that you've realized you have communication issues but you fixed them, and based on that he should get back together with you.

 

i do understand your logic, but still, as we are saying, he dumped YOU. you can't convince him with words or actions that he must fall back in love with you, that is still something he is going to have to decide.

 

ultimately THAT is what we are trying to say. this isn't about time frames or months or blah blah, this is about seeing this exact same story a hundred times and knowing what happens.

 

if it's what you want, then i hope you're the one in a million that is different, but i will stress again, DO NOT fall into the "friends with benefits" thinking he's going to come around and be with you again.