G/F of 2.5 years leaves me, she says she needs to find herself.

July 9, 2013

So we met when we were I was 23 and she 22. This was not my first relationship, but it was both our first love. She was in a bad spot in her life a couple months before I was hooked up with her by a mutual friend who knew us both well and thought we would do well together. We did do well together, for a time. When I met her I was jobless, school for what I wanted to do wasn't going to pan out as I couldn't transfer, and the ambulance companies weren't calling or hiring (I was an EMT).

I always wanted to join the military to give a shot at special operations, and had I friend from high school who wanted the same. He came back from college after she and I were together for a year and asked if I still wanted to try out, I said yes and we went to the Army recruiter. In all this she was supportive, which really gave me the strength to continue. I had tried to do this before and I didn't pursue it all the way; she was a game changer for me.

Well, the army didn't work out, but she and I were still very happy together. My cousin then convinced me to start up with the Air Force, since they have great spec ops programs. I started, and these programs are very very hard, so I started to research what it would take physically and mentally to do it. She was still supportive of it, even though she didn't like it. I started pulling away, because of all thatI read. Failed relationships, always being gone, 2 years of training and a 90% fail rate. Either your heart is in it all the way, or you risk failure. The thought of losing her was devastating to me, but I started to fear it be a strong possibility, which made me feel like putting her at arms length would make it easier in the future.

Well it didn't, and it was a stupid thing to do. 7 months go by, and we hurt each other by saying and doing stupid things. I told her a very close and embarrassing secret of mine and she cried and just wasn't supportive of me being very vulnerable and open with her. That hurt me a lot. All these things added up, wearing down the relatnioship, and she finally came to me, three weeks before I leave for bootcamp, and she wants to end it. Which to me sucked, because for a couple weeks things started to feel better to me, and I felt like I was falling back in love. I was ready to bring her back in and the day I looked forward to became the worst day of my life.

I had to leave for a couple days, but when I came back I confronted her and said I didn't want to break up and why. I have never felt or shown my emotions so much before, except when I was younger. I tried again two days later, but she was still resistant. I started to become very scared and I tried one last ditch effort of overly aggressive clinginess, which I feel foolish for, but no good. I actually felt her getting frustrated from it

She says she wants time to find herself and what she wants out of life. She works at home depot, and aside from me had nothing going for her. Now I'm leaving and she sees herself having nothing. I don't blame myself for all this, she really was depending on me. I need someone to be stronger and have their ***** figured out. Therefore I decided last night that she was going to get all the space and time she can get; I decided NC was the best way I was going to heal, she was going to grow, and if there will ever be an us again its the only way for it to be healthy. Its been a week since that fateful day when we broke up with me, and I have now deleted her on FB and blocked her.

In the midst of writing up this this morning, she txted me asking if we weren't talking anymore. I decided I'd tell her I'm giving her space and time. We talked and I said I would respect her desire for time and space, that she had to find herself and her own internal happiness, and that I was going to do my Air Force thing at full bore. I told her I can see a future with her, but that she has to see that herself and the prospect of kids, otherwise there will be no future. At the beginning of this she said she wanted to be friends, I told her during this last contact that I could only be lovers with her; its all or nothing with me, I love her too much. If she is ever ready for me she can call me but it has to be after some time and until then we are no longer in each others lives. NC from here on out

I've learned a lot about myself in all this. I also feel I have gotten some of my emotional strength back, but willing to show the people I care about my emotions, instead of holding them in.

I get to now focus 100% on the Air Force, even though I wanted her there through it all and to be there in the end. I have gone through too much to fail at this, especially now. It'll be hard, very hard, but I'll be better for it, and hopefully so will she, even if there is no us ever again.

Here's to NC and the future

Edited July 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 9, 2013

you got it all figured out

things like that are movie's

if you gonna meet again in the future when you both done building your self up

feeling gonna get up again

i think you just met at the wrong time

time is the 3'd wheel for this broken relationship

but you both are young

you gonna be fine

maby when time is wright you 2 can be together again

don't hope for it tho

move on and let go

this is the strongest thing you can do

and she will remember it for ever!

July 10, 2013

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

This is already so hard, I cannot stop dreaming and thinking about her; it makes the nights and mornings absolute hell. But, I went drinking yesterday with my buddies and got left alone for a few moments, where I did the whole, what if I did this at this time and said that at that time, could the relationship have been saved? Then it struck me, it wouldn't have mattered, it would have been postponing the inevitable. Her life circumstances outside of me were still pretty bleak, so she wasn't going to be happy with herself, and if she isn't happy with herself she won't be happy in a relationship. I've read that rescue relationships don't work because the rescued doesn't have their own independence and identity and that they need those things for a relationship to work. I've been told countless times I rescued this girl, and sometimes in the relationship I felt like she felt she was lost, even when things were great. Her feelings just got worse in the last few months.

IDK if it sucks more or sucks less because of that revelation.

July 10, 2013

Your story is almost similar to mine bro. I was with my ex for 2 years, decided to join the army (green beret), I had to take care of something for MEPS but I was having second thoughts because I didn't want to leave my girlfriend behind...like you that was the first girl I have ever fallen for. A few months ago she disappeared for a week (not calling or texting me at all), and when I asked her what was wrong she would just tell me drop it. Then after five days of my nagging her, she cracked, and fed me a bunch of excuses as to why we might not work; her main excuse was because she needed to find out who she was and she needed to fix her life. The more I kept trying to get more answers out of her after we broke up, the colder she became until eventually she stopped responding to my texts (mind you she ended the relationship through text because she couldn't talk about it face to face or on the phone.) So now I'm working on getting into the army again.

Keep doing doing what you're doing. Let her figure out her life on her own, and you focus on your life. She has some growing up to do, and when she does grow up maybe then she will realize that she made a mistake. Whatever you do though don't crack. If she does genuinely care about you and love you, she will find her way back to you. If not, believe me you will find somebody else when you least expect it. Eventually you'll come out of this, you will sleep better, and maintain your focus better on what you need to do. It's true that time heals all wounds (I've heard that cliche more times than I can count after my break up). Whenever you drive yourself crazy thinking about her go for a run, go to the gym, blast some music and workout at home (exercise is good therapy after a break up).

That's it bro. You got into the Air Force, be proud of yourself. Now put all of your focus on getting mentally and physically stronger and it will help you get your mind off of her (and help you prep for boot camp). You'll be ok. Congratulations on getting in.

July 10, 2013

I'm backing this one up. I know exactly how you feel! The past six months have been up and down confusion for me and my man. We broke up, I was in the hospital, we talked, we didn't talk, we talked, we talked more, we became friends again, I told him I still cared about him, he flirted with me a lot, he stopped, he told me there was someone else he was feeling out, I put my foot down saying I wouldn't be strung along.

And now here I sit, crying almost every day because I feel like I threw out the best man I'll ever know. I think of all the good things we had going that all crumbled because he had an internal crisis he is obviously still struggling with. I know that if he's worth it, he'll come to me and I can't stop my life for him just because he has no idea what he wants. Sometimes I wish I hadn't said anything and just let him ride it out and maybe he'd remember who his best girl was.

But then I remember... when we were being friends, he was taking advantage of that. He expected the same things out of me that we had shared during our relationship without giving me the same. And then all the while I was being strung along while he "felt out" some other girl. That's not okay. And if he was going to miss me, I had to get out of that situation quick, or run the risk of having him lean on me for emotional stuff while he went off for whatever else with this new girl. And if that new girl turns out to be a bust (which is likely from what I hear about her), he needs to pick himself up and choose me, not roll his shattered self in my direction for a sweep up.

So keep doing like you do. If you're important enough to her, she'll come by. And if you're doing lots of things, think of how much more appealing you'll be when she does.

July 11, 2013

Your story is almost similar to mine bro. I was with my ex for 2 years, decided to join the army (green beret), I had to take care of something for MEPS but I was having second thoughts because I didn't want to leave my girlfriend behind...like you that was the first girl I have ever fallen for. A few months ago she disappeared for a week (not calling or texting me at all), and when I asked her what was wrong she would just tell me drop it. Then after five days of my nagging her, she cracked, and fed me a bunch of excuses as to why we might not work; her main excuse was because she needed to find out who she was and she needed to fix her life. The more I kept trying to get more answers out of her after we broke up, the colder she became until eventually she stopped responding to my texts (mind you she ended the relationship through text because she couldn't talk about it face to face or on the phone.) So now I'm working on getting into the army again.

Keep doing doing what you're doing. Let her figure out her life on her own, and you focus on your life. She has some growing up to do, and when she does grow up maybe then she will realize that she made a mistake. Whatever you do though don't crack. If she does genuinely care about you and love you, she will find her way back to you. If not, believe me you will find somebody else when you least expect it. Eventually you'll come out of this, you will sleep better, and maintain your focus better on what you need to do. It's true that time heals all wounds (I've heard that cliche more times than I can count after my break up). Whenever you drive yourself crazy thinking about her go for a run, go to the gym, blast some music and workout at home (exercise is good therapy after a break up).

That's it bro. You got into the Air Force, be proud of yourself. Now put all of your focus on getting mentally and physically stronger and it will help you get your mind off of her (and help you prep for boot camp). You'll be ok. Congratulations on getting in.

Thank you, I am hoping things will be easier once I get to boot, I just wish it wasn't so far away. And that's hella trippy and sucky about your situation. I didn't think someone else would be sharing my story so closely.

July 11, 2013

I recently broke up with my bf after 2 and 1/2 years as well...if she says she wants to find herself and wants her space the best thing to do is just give it to her. She will either realize that she does want to be with you, or realize she wants different things. Believe me I HATE when people give me the advice "If it's meant to be it will be." but I've come to realize that it's true - if you guys are meant to be together she will realize this and while a good relationship takes work, with the right person things should feel easy and just "right"

Keep your chin up

July 11, 2013

Thanks. Yea I absolutely hate hearing the "if its meant to be line," its like its completely out of your control and there is nothing you can do about it; no plan of action to be made, no mindset of attack to be in.

Well I leave today for family's annual lake trip, that she was supposed to go on. Needless to say she is not coming, but I had been looking forward to her coming. This is going to be an interesting weekend. Hopefully being surrounded by family and my Air Force mentor will help keep me together.

July 11, 2013

Thanks. Yea I absolutely hate hearing the "if its meant to be line," its like its completely out of your control and there is nothing you can do about it; no plan of action to be made, no mindset of attack to be in.

Well I leave today for family's annual lake trip, that she was supposed to go on. Needless to say she is not coming, but I had been looking forward to her coming. This is going to be an interesting weekend. Hopefully being surrounded by family and my Air Force mentor will help keep me together.

Hopefully there will be a lot of hot broads there you can mingle with!

July 17, 2013

Just got back home. The trip ended up being very, very difficult. Everything I did ended up reminding me of her and how the whole trip was supposed to be our chance to get to spend some quality time together. My cousin brought his new girlfriend, so that sucked seeing them all intimate together.

I had been NC for a week, and I broke it yesterday when I got back into civilization. I feel so stupid for having done so, even though afterwards for the entire day I felt better about things. I had told her before I started NC that i was going to talk to my cousins and father about everything. I used this as an excuse to tell her what conclusion I came to about importance of family over career; that I didn't want to be like my cousin and be away from his family 75% of the year. She said she was happy to hear from me and that she was still uncertain about what she was going to do in regards to her career, though she had begun to get over what her father's family thinks of her. If you knew her, that's big progress.

So I'll be going back to NC, because she knows where I stand. Though at times I winder if VLC would be better for this. Maybe when I come home from training in 3 months I might check up on her and tell her I still feel the same way, if I even do, though I believe I will, cause she mentioned that she's worried I will lose my feelings for her during basic training.

July 20, 2013

Well back on NC after laying it out one last time and saying goodbye for what could be the last time ever (hope not). Told her she has choices ahead of her: she can take a chance and have a committed relationship with me in the future or decide to move on to someone else and take a chance with them. I laid out all the things that went wrong the first time around and how they are pretty much gone and how the person she fell in love with didn't go anywhere he just got buried underneath life's problems and will only be better after military training. I told her I didn't want to hear from her for a minimum of 3 months and only then if she has made a decision about what she wants, while in the meantime I work on my career in the Air Force. If no decision then no contact continues, but she nonetheless has to be the one to want me or not and break NC or not. I figure since I'll be in no position to date again for some time, I've got nothing to lose by hoping the one I already love comes back. If she doesn't, well I've got my career to focus on even more.

oh I'll also note that when we were hugging goodbye I was only going to giver her a kiss on the forehead, which I did (as she always liked that) but she then demanded a real kiss. And boy, what a kiss that was. I'm pretty sure she felt it too cause when we separated lips she went back in again. She also said she wants to call me in 3 months regardless of where I stand to see how I am doing with training. Going to try and not read too much into all that but I still find it interesting.

Here we go.

Edited July 20, 2013 by lord-christoph

July 22, 2013

So, I just learned from a mutual friend that 2 days after breaking up with me, she started to develop feelings for a co-worker. My friend says nothing has happened but felt I should know. The times we talked, a possibility of there being someone else crossed my mind and I confronted her on it. Twice she said that the breakup has nothing to do with seeing other people, but this does make me wonder. I couldn't imagine it being any more than a rebound if anything but still....wtf?

Thank god I leave for basic training tomorrow or I don't think I'd be able to handle being at home.

Seriously, you say you love someone and care for them still and you just need space to figure out your life, all the while that is going on? I know she can do whatever she wants but still. Hopefully some yelling and strict routine will help me along. ****

any opinions or comments are welcome.

Edited July 22, 2013 by lord-christoph

July 23, 2013

Well just to let you know, my ex told me she needed to find herself and she doesn't know what she wants in her life, blah blah.. a week or so later dates another guy. don't be surprised when she dates someone else very soon..

July 23, 2013

Thats usually how it goes.

"I want to find myself" = " I want to bang someone else".

Remember thats how it goes from now on.

July 23, 2013

So, I just learned from a mutual friend that 2 days after breaking up with me, she started to develop feelings for a co-worker. My friend says nothing has happened but felt I should know. The times we talked, a possibility of there being someone else crossed my mind and I confronted her on it. Twice she said that the breakup has nothing to do with seeing other people, but this does make me wonder. I couldn't imagine it being any more than a rebound if anything but still....wtf?

Thank god I leave for basic training tomorrow or I don't think I'd be able to handle being at home.

Seriously, you say you love someone and care for them still and you just need space to figure out your life, all the while that is going on? I know she can do whatever she wants but still. Hopefully some yelling and strict routine will help me along. ****

any opinions or comments are welcome.

Never kiss them when they've decided to leave you. Why should you kiss her? She's not wanting to be with you right now.

I'm sure she has feelings for you, but what she's saying is that she's happy to part ways. She's giving this reason and that but the fact is, if you really want someone nothing's going to stop you.

Ok, she might freak out for a little while, not being to handle the relationship, the feeling of not being grounded and so on. But if that gos past a period of days with no solution, then it becomes a permanent situation.

The facts are that, she's decided to let you go for now, keep you as an option in the future and indulge in feelings for a co worker.

Is that what you want from a woman?

Go do your training. Make new friends and enjoy the company of women. nothing has to happen with them, just enjoy yourself around them.

Blast yourself through training and don't look back.

October 19, 2013

Update time. The first half was basic was really, really rough to weather through with the added BS of being heartbroken, but I toughed it out. When things started to calm down for me we got our first phone call at 4 weeks . I went through my address book on my phone and no one would answer, so I ended up calling her and talking for like 5 minutes. I had to talk to someone from the outside, and I found out the girl who set us up cheated on my best friend shortly after I left. That was weird to find out, they got back together, but otherwise the conversation was a normal conversation and left me feeling distant, but everyone felt that way since none of us felt like we got the time we wanted. A couple weeks later I wrote a letter apologizing for what I felt were the worst things I did during the relationship, saying I hoped she found happiness and to not be surprised if I was truly gone when she decided she made a mistake and wanted to see how I changed after being broken down twice. No one goes through military training and comes out the other end unchanged. I didn't expect a response, I didn't want one, I did it for me, and I felt fine about it.

I graduated basic with honors and thought I could handle re-adding her on FB. I tried that, and seeing her on there all happy and going out with friends, looking better than ever, and doing single stuff was fine, until I saw pics of her with him. My heart dropped. I knew it was a risk, and I wanted to test my strength; I lost. A friend then told me that the guy made the relationship status update a month after her and I ended and she was hiding her relationship status; I was like wtf?!. This wore on me while I went to the spec ops training program and made things extra difficult, cause over there they up the physical and mental stress. To help, a friend suggested I join match and make a profile if just to remind myself that there are women out there who are interesting and would probably want to meet me, maybe even end up loving me too. I did, and that really helped, like a lot. My perspective on her thing with her co-worker put me in a position of confidence and power. He is a classic rebound: 1 month after a long term serious relationship, he's fat while i was fit, he's old (30) while I'm young, he has nothing going on in his life, my friends say he's boring, he doesn't like her music (she is huge on music), and she doesn't look too thrilled in her pics with him. I laugh at the situation now, it even makes me feel good about myself.

Well pre-selection started and it was brutal, but I got through. Selection started and I fail the initial entry exam and re-injure my hamstring. Training cadre offered me 1 month of medical recovery, then 1 month of pre-selection training until I can retry selection. I was already having serious doubts about going through to make it to the end and join the careerfield, on top of the emotional turmoil, and having to sit around for a month, get my ass kicked in for another month before I can my ass beat down for another 2 years had me really demotivated. So I impulsively declined the offer, which ended up resulting me receiving an entry level discharge. So I am still sitting in a holding pattern waiting to be sent home. Lesson learned: never make decisions in an emotional state....ever.

The silver lining though, there is a girl I ended up finding on match that lives near my home that is interested in meeting up when I get home, so maybe something will come of that. My best friend, who is also the therapist of my circle of friends, is meeting with my ex to talk about the situation of me coming home and all that. Should be interesting to hear what comes of that, though at this point I don't really care. I've been through so much I don't care, I just want to get my life back on track. Whether she decides she wants to fit in it, or maybe this other girl finds she wants in, its all good. I've been NC since September and I have no intention of breaking it now.

October 19, 2013

my ex ex gf said that to me, she said all the crap of hoping we do end up back together, and she loves me blah blah, as months went on, i chased and cried, worst break up i ever had, i begged and pleaded, she harrassed me telling me all the meanest things, sending me pictures of her and other men, telling my i was pathetic, she never loved me, i was ready to kill myself, but i was a young father, and i stepped up to the plate n took my daughter half time. its been 4 years n im still dealing with her , shes been trying to take me to court, n what not. i dont know why she hates me so much and she harassed me so much, she talks crap about me and what not, and she had no reason for breaking up with me either than to find her self. see some people are like this, they beggin to hate you because you love them. by the way i never did get her back, and i prayed to god, i even tried casting spells and tried trading my soul to the devil by dripping blood and a piece of paper that said "kirks soul" i know it sounds crazy now, but i was going to do anything to get her back. and i never did,

November 1, 2013

The last update for this thread, next post will likely be in dating.

The meeting between my friend and ex went interesting and had some strange insights. She was torn between seeing me and how I had changed when I come home, or staying and work with the co-worker and that relationship that she couldn't really define. She told my friend that its nothing like it was when we started and she doesn't know how she feels about it. Well that's all gravy, because I no longer care where she stands on me, because I am moving on. I wouldn't take her back even if she did what everyone on this board wants the ex to do. We have an irreconcilable difference that makes the relationship a dead end, and remembering that has helped me get over her tremendously.

What also helped to get over her, is the proactive stance I took on healing. I had a friend suggest making a match.com profile to help remind myself that there are other interesting and gorgeous women out there. So I did, with no intentions of doing anything, until her profile popped up. Instantly jumped out at me and I favorited her, not knowing she would be notified. I thought I was going to wait till I got home, but she sent me a wink, then I emailed her, and fast forward and we are texting up a thunderstorm. I've never had such easy and fun conversation with a girl I was interested in. SHe's almost everything I wished my girlfriend was, and much more. Match had us at 100% compatibility and I can see why. We've been set for a first date shortly after I get home, and I have never been so excited for a date. Not even with my ex or the one before her. To me, the promise that this girl holds is immense, and has completely put my ex out of my mind.

My ex and I had a talk a couple days ago, and I told her I'm done longing to get back together. We can be friends and she suggested coffee with my friend and me to catch up when I get home. It was a really good phone call that we both agreed we're glad it happened and feel better about everything. I can look at her pictures, see her beauty but not long for her. I can look at the few pics she has with the co-worker and not care, the idea of them being together makes me happy, if it makes her happy, since I do still care about her. But there's no room for romance, because it would be futile and a waste of time. Especially with what I have found in what I thought was the most unlikely place.

Its been a rough 3 and a half months for sure, but ladies and gentlemen out there dealing with a break up, you've heard it before and you'll hear it from me: it does get better and the future holds the craziest twists. My first ex has been chatting me up and talking about the old us and how her relationship is falling apart. Does she want anything from me? I don't care I've got someone else I want to focus on but it still is a crazy twist to be hearing from someone like her after 5 years. So heres to a healed heart and a promising new first date that hopefully goes as well as it seems like it will.

Edited November 1, 2013 by lord-christoph

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G/F of 2.5 years leaves me, she says she needs to find herself.

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