Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 ^ This. I said on the last thread, but I'll repeat it here: it's dangerous to stake so much of your emotional well-being on what someone you've known a week thinks of you. It can only lead to obsession and ultimately, to despair. Thank-you. You are right, you've been so helpful, and so geneerous with your time responding to my last two posts that I would hate you to think that I'm disregarding your opinion. As a direct result of the advice I was getting off some of you guys, I went to see a therapist, totally because of it being highlighted that I am staking too much on these guys' opinions of me. That's what I want to work through. Right now, I'm kind of leaning towards not contacting this guy. But I don't know, maybe I'll change my mind. I think in any case, engaging in an open dialogue about my options (however limited the possible outcomes) has been helpful. I don't know why, I feel like thinking that, ok, he'd probably have just got in touch if he still liked me, BUT, I can reach out feels better than thinking, he doesn't like me, I'll just do nothing. I don't know if that even makes any sense to anyone else, but it's the best I can try and explain it right now.
Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 I'll disagree with the "conventional wisdom" given here, with the exception of Rebels-- Rebel's advice is what I totally agree with. It's been two days--- and you've only known him a week, meaning that you really *don't* know what his communication habits are actually like. This may be fairly normal for him, and it may not. Who knows? My point however, is this. You have no idea why he hasn't said anything back... so you are obsessively assuming the worst. Now, maybe he isn't "interested". But then again, maybe time has simply slipped by more quickly than he realized. In several cases, early on in a dating relationship I've had men go 2-3 days without calling/texting me. What did I do? Rather than obsessively worrying about how I screwed everything up, I was upfront & texted them-- friendly, low pressure, and with no expectations. Something along the lines of: "Hey you How's it going?" or something similar. Out of the 5 or 6 times I've done this, I've never not gotten a response-- and most of them responded positively & we restarted communication. Three of them were men I ended up dating for 6-8 months. Two of those longer-term boyfriends let me know later on that they felt like they'd screwed up and were "scared" to text because they assumed I'd be mad, etc. whatever because they'd let the time slip away. The one who didn't respond positively-- well, I had my answer! And it helped provide the closure I needed to leave it alone and quit worrying about it. The point is, *if* you do text (and I totally think it's permissible), follow Rebel's advice-- light, optimistic & upbeat. Don't apologize or ask if you've screwed things up. Just drop him a lighthearted line and say hi-- if he says nothing, then you have you answer. If he answers... well then great. Don't text him 600 times. Don't text him 6 times. Text him once, and decide beforehand that you are willing to accept whatever answer you get. & remember breathe ;-) Thanks for this. Very interesting to read something that's a counterpoint to the whole "he's just not that into you" thing. Really, who knows? I guess yes, he'd be in touch if he wanted to be, but as you pointed out, you have examples of other situations arising, so it's not always 100% clear cut and dried.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Thank-you. You are right, you've been so helpful, and so geneerous with your time responding to my last two posts that I would hate you to think that I'm disregarding your opinion. As a direct result of the advice I was getting off some of you guys, I went to see a therapist, totally because of it being highlighted that I am staking too much on these guys' opinions of me. That's what I want to work through. Seriously, if you have to work on this with a therapist, I strongly suggest you stop dating and finish business with the therapist first. Because the first guy that you actually enter into another situation with will set you back into this mentality, and you might not work through this issue.
Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Seriously, if you have to work on this with a therapist, I strongly suggest you stop dating and finish business with the therapist first. Because the first guy that you actually enter into another situation with will set you back into this mentality, and you might not work through this issue. see, that sounds like good advice to me. However I actually asked her about this,and she said I should keep dating. To me, I feel ok about taking a hiatus from OLD (not having many opportunities to meet guys IRL at the moment, but this should hopefully change when I start a new job ). She sort of saw it as pushing through something quite hard. i was surprised she didn't say take a break, tbh. I am not very interested in OLD now anyway, and will probably take a bit of time off meeting abyone new in any case.
Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 I did get a response, btw. I didn't txt him, and haven't replied yet. Am interested to hear what you guys think of it, as I felt it was pretty lukewarm, and didn't really invite a response: Hope your week has been ok. Nice seeing you at the weekend. Good luck looking after your dog. What a weird message eh? Any thoughts? I'm probably not gonna reply to it. Seems pretty uninterested, although at the same time, quite weird to send something so lacklustre at all?
Lansing Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Yeah, it is not a usual message but maybe he feels like you are busy and aren't interested in seeing him. If a girl leaves me with the feeling she isn't interested sometimes I will just send a casual text and see if she picks up the conversation. Could also be that he just isn't interested anymore. 1
Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Yeah, it is not a usual message but maybe he feels like you are busy and aren't interested in seeing him. If a girl leaves me with the feeling she isn't interested sometimes I will just send a casual text and see if she picks up the conversation. Could also be that he just isn't interested anymore. Exactly. Who knows? Worth a response? Seems odd to send a mesg if totes not interested, but could just be polite.
Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Doesnt it feel good to wait it out? Now you know he has at least some interest. I would respond if i were you but keep it light and casual Good luck! It does feel good...thank you 1
Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Hope your week is going good, nice seeing you?? He is not acting uninterested to me... Interesting. See, there's no x at the end (unlike some of the more recent msgs) and there's no question requesting a response, or suggestion of further plans. The nice seeing you thing could be read as pretty non committal, you know, very throwaway. Texts are a very difficult medium to interpret.
Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Id just say "hope yours is going okay too, it was good to see you too, and thank you :)" That way if he is really interested hell have to continue the convo or ask you to hang again Thanks, that sounds pretty good. But tbh, if I got that text, i would assume that the sender was pretty uninterested. Like, it sounds like "that was fun, thanks, goodbye." However, I am generally wrong about this stuff. Ha ha!
Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Its pretty much the same thing he said Exactly, and I'm thinking he's not interested :-P
Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Honestly he wouldntve said anything at all if he wasn't there is SOME interest romantic or sexual who knows yet did you reply? I haven't replied yet. Still unsure of its meaning. But really good to know you think contact implies some interest.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Exactly, and I'm thinking he's not interested :-P Well now that he started the convo again, give him a LIL something to work off of, dont be so ambiguous. Flirt or something. 2
Drseussgrrl Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Whenever a guy has been truly interested in me, there is no room for interpretation of mixed signals. He was locking me down and planning a date. "Are you free Weds? Let's do dinner." Not - "Good luck with your dog." 1
Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Well now that he started the convo again, give him a LIL something to work off of, dont be so ambiguous. Flirt or something. Yeah, I'm not trying to be ambiguous, I'm just a bit out of sorts after taking a while to get said message (though within the three day rule). Do you also agree that the message, although sounding quite uninteresting, suggests theres some interest just because of the contact?
Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 You not replying shows youre uninterested... Youll never know his interest level if you just ignore him. I know. I just don't want to do the wrong thing. Analysis paralysis I guess.
NJtoDC Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 If you are interested in him stop trying to read his mind through text. Reply in the manner that expresses your feelings. If you want to see him again reply in a positive and engaging manner. If you react based on assumptions that he isn't really feeling you it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. 1
Author desperategirl Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 If you are interested in him stop trying to read his mind through text. Reply in the manner that expresses your feelings. If you want to see him again reply in a positive and engaging manner. If you react based on assumptions that he isn't really feeling you it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. It makes sense not to try and read someone's mind, but I just wish it was a bit clearer. Unless it IS completely clear,and I am just not seeing that properly. It seems really weird to get in touch at all if there's no interest, but to send a pretty weird, not very nice message is weird too. Unless he's just sounding me out. I know I'm doing exactly what you said not to do, but I'll probably be irritated with myself if I a response to an obvious blow-off. But the self-fulfilling prophecy idea is very interesting.
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 He's feeling you out with his text. Trying to figure out where you stand with him after his 2 day silence. I don't know why he's doing it, maybe it is because there is still some interest there. Or maybe just curiosity why you haven't been in touch. Or maybe he was just bored. Either way, the best way to handle it is to send him a casual reply back. If you don't reply he'll think it's because you are mad at him. 2
Author desperategirl Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 He's feeling you out with his text. Trying to figure out where you stand with him after his 2 day silence. I don't know why he's doing it, maybe it is because there is still some interest there. Or maybe just curiosity why you haven't been in touch. Or maybe he was just bored. Either way, the best way to handle it is to send him a casual reply back. If you don't reply he'll think it's because you are mad at him. Yeah, this sounds like good advice. I will send something, as I still haven't replied yet. This may sounds stupid...but I am a little mad at him. I'd got to the point of feeling not great, but sort of fine with not hearing from him, then after a three-day silence, I get a really weird message? I don't know what to do with that. If he wanted to blow me off, then he could've achieved that with no text. The best thing, in my opinion, would be to send a more honest message saying something along the lines of "I had a nice time, but don't feel like this is something I want to pursue right now," for example. Now I'm just like, what does this mean? And why send it? I guess he's maybe trying to be polite, as he said he'd text? The other side of the argument, as other posters have suggested, is that there is some interest, or he wouldn't have got in touch at all. But at best, he's sounding me out, as there's no suggestion of any future plans. But he did say our other plans were 'nice.' I have no idea. I guess I'm giving this more attention than it deserves. Plan should be to follow all your advice to send something light and casual, then to forget about it, I guess. Actually, at this point, I won't be that upset even if I don't get a reply to my text. Although I might wish I hadn't sent it.
Author desperategirl Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 So I sent what I hope was a good, casual response, a little joke about the dog, followed by a little question about his week, and finished by saying it was nice to see you too. I am now just going to leave it at at that and move on. This whole escapade has been a huge pain in the a**. I will never understand the male psyche. Many thanks for all the responses! I will update if I hear anything back, but I'm not holding my breath.
pcplod Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Gawd! Really. All the subsequent discussion of your experience is the LS equivalent of mind-reading or crystal ball gazing. If you want to know something, ask. And don't be coy, circumspect or vague about it. That is just excruciating to experience and to watch (as a third-party observer). If you get an adverse response could you even imagine asking "Well, okay, but some advice, where did I go wrong"? Only because you suspect that you went wrong somewhere. Do you want to see whether there is anything useful to learn from the experience? Okay, he will probably give you what will be an evasive answer, which will not tell you anything useful in specific terms but may well tell you something about him and about relationships in general. I really, really hate and despise all this prancing around, saying "Oh my! what should I do or say? If I do or don't do the right thing or do or say the wrong thing the ground is going to swallow me up and I am going to be permanently damaged". No! Wrong! It won't and you will only be permanently damaged if you let it. Sorry, I am not having a specific go at you. I am having a go at all of us, me included, who would do this and actually do this. Taking a step back and looking at it coolly and rationally it is stupid, beyond f**king belief. There, I've said it. That's my 'mind barf' for the day. And it's only 9.30 am. Oh, well. Maybe I'll hide for the rest of the day. 1
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 This may sounds stupid...but I am a little mad at him. Yeah, I get that. But realistically you've no reason to be mad at him. You've only met twice, he's basically a stranger and he's allowed to change his mind about you (if this is the case, it might not be). The fact that this has made you mad shows unimportant strangers can affect your mood. Don't let them The best thing, in my opinion, would be to send a more honest message saying something along the lines of "I had a nice time, but don't feel like this is something I want to pursue right now," for example. I don't think you should send this because, for one, it's not true. You wanted to pursue something until he kinda disappeared. I know you want something definitive to give you closure, but really, just move on. You don't need him to give you closure, you can give it to yourself by realizing he is not the right guy for you due to his communication style or lack interest or whatever. 1
Author desperategirl Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Gawd! Really. All the subsequent discussion of your experience is the LS equivalent of mind-reading or crystal ball gazing. I really, really hate and despise all this prancing around, saying "Oh my! what should I do or say? If I do or don't do the right thing or do or say the wrong thing the ground is going to swallow me up and I am going to be permanently damaged". No! Wrong! It won't and you will only be permanently damaged if you let it. Sorry, I am not having a specific go at you. I am having a go at all of us, me included, who would do this and actually do this. Taking a step back and looking at it coolly and rationally it is stupid, beyond f**king belief. There, I've said it. That's my 'mind barf' for the day. And it's only 9.30 am. Oh, well. Maybe I'll hide for the rest of the day. I know right!! Would you believe that I'm a relatively competent and intelligent human being, who makes decisions, and believes in those decisions, in other aspects of my life? It's interesting to canvass opinion, and I do feel that nearly every guy I've met since my divorce has had a lesson for me. But no, I totally don't have the cojones to ask him upfront what/if I did something wrong. Loved your reply, btw. Think you're right, but it still won't stop me asking advice and pulling my hair out about this kind of stuff!
Author desperategirl Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 Yeah, I get that. But realistically you've no reason to be mad at him. You've only met twice, he's basically a stranger and he's allowed to change his mind about you (if this is the case, it might not be). The fact that this has made you mad shows unimportant strangers can affect your mood. Don't let them I don't think you should send this because, for one, it's not true. You wanted to pursue something until he kinda disappeared. I know you want something definitive to give you closure, but really, just move on. You don't need him to give you closure, you can give it to yourself by realizing he is not the right guy for you due to his communication style or lack interest or whatever. Hey, I rationally understand why I shouldn't be mad, but my emotions are somewhat behind my mind. I mean, I'm not mad now, but I was a little earlier. With regards to your second point, I meant I would prefer to receive that kind of text from someone. You're right, it would be false for me to send it. I mean, I think his msg is pretty clear, but there's definitely room for a little confusion, i think.
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