Can I save this situation?

[desperategirl]

Hi all,

 

I posted a few days ago about a situation in which I went out with a guy I met online. We had an excellent first date, followed by a wonderful second date, in which I think I may have screwed things up by fooling around with him, and spending the night together (no sex though).

 

He actually was quite surprised with the turn of events I think - he wanted to come back to mine, but wasn't necessarily expecting things to go so far.

 

Before that, he said he liked me, and was hoping we could keep seeing each other. I really didn't get the impression it was just to get into the sack, it seemed genuine. It might be significant that he said a couple of things that sounded a bit forward for a second date, like we were talking about some books, and he said I could borrow his friend's copy, through him. I had a really lovely time with him.

 

After date number one, during which he asked about date number two (which he said he didn;t usually do, but felt like he liked me, so just went for it) he text early the next morning to set up date two. He text the next day (day of date two to ask how my day was). He planned a nice date in great place, then we spent a couple of hours talking and walking.

 

The day after the second date, he stayed for a couple of hours, but there was no more physical contact really. When he left, he gave me a peck on the cheek, and said he'd text me.

 

That was a couple of days ago, and to be honest, given how quickly he text before, I am assuming that if he hasn't text by now, he probably won't.

 

Now I know the sensible thing to do would be to chalk it up to experience and move on, but I felt like we had a couple of really nice evenings, and would maybe like to see if I can get contact going again.

 

Would it be totally stupid to send a message, maybe even saying i felt the other night things went a bit far, but i had enjoyed meeting him, so was ownderif if we could meet up again? Or would there be something else I could say.

 

Generally when I get to this point (it happens...quite a but) I just accept it and move on, but there's something about this guy that I like.

 

Any advice would be great. Even if it's just to tell me I'm a moron.

 

Thanks!

Edited July 9, 2013 by desperategirl

[desperategirl]

Just as a note, I'm thinking that if I do nothing, I won't hear from him, if I contact him, probably the same outcome, but in practical terms, it won't make things worse, aside from maybe me feeling embarrassed.

[pcplod]

If you ain't ever been embarrassed in such a situation you simply haven't lived. And if you are not prepared to be embarrassed and learn to deal with it, life is pretty well much up, now, as it is.

[desperategirl]

If you ain't ever been embarrassed in such a situation you simply haven't lived. And if you are not prepared to be embarrassed and learn to deal with it, life is pretty well much up, now, as it is.

 

Thanks. This is kind of how I feel, but it seems to break the "rules" that I'm too daft to know about!

[pcplod]

Rules are always there to be broken unless you know damn well that to break them would be the height of stupidity. When circumstances dictate it make up your own rules as you see fit.

 

If the worst case scenario plays out, as you anticipate it, what is the 'damage' to you?

 

PS, If it turns out to be a mistake, is it an opportunity to learn from it, that you would otherwise pass up?

[BluEyeL]

I know the waiting game and moving on is damn hard, and I've given in multiple times myself., but I don't think is a good idea to text him. He might come back weeks later, or even months later, or never. But go ahead.

[Drseussgrrl]

If a man is interested, he will be in touch. Period.

[TigerCub]

 

Generally when I get to this point (it happens...quite a but) I just accept it and move on, but there's something about this guy that I like.

 

Any advice would be great. Even if it's just to tell me I'm a moron.

 

Thanks!

 

So it's frequent that you are in this type of situation?

 

If so I would suggest that you look deeper into that and learn from what you're doing if you don't want to be in this position again.

 

I understand that you like him, but honestly it just seems that he isn't interested in you anymore. I'm sorry about that.

 

But say that you text him ...

- if you say 'wow we went a little further than I thought' or 'I don't usually do this kinda thing'

 

it will just come off as you being ashamed of you and trying to cover it up.

Do you want that?

 

Also, I think if you texted him, he probably will contact you back because if he hasn't had time to find anyone else, you'd be a good option to kill time with and most likely (he would think) get some.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't contact him, and I would just evaluate my actions and behaviors on a date to maybe learn where I'm going wrong.

 

Good luck

[desperategirl]

Rules are always there to be broken unless you know damn well that to break them would be the height of stupidity. When circumstances dictate it make up your own rules as you see fit.

 

If the worst case scenario plays out, as you anticipate it, what is the 'damage' to you?

 

PS, If it turns out to be a mistake, is it an opportunity to learn from it, that you would otherwise pass up?

 

It's kind of the height of stupidity because I assume I'd have heard from him by now, but even just thinking about actively doing something rather than passively accepting it makes me feel a bit better.

 

I guess the damage is just that this guy might think I'm a bigger loser than he already does.

 

I could learn that I shouldn't spend the night with a guy so soon - well, alread HAVE learnt that, but will consolidate it!

[desperategirl]

I know the waiting game and moving on is damn hard, and I've given in multiple times myself., but I don't think is a good idea to text him. He might come back weeks later, or even months later, or never. But go ahead.

 

Good advice, and not unexpected. Moving on is hard.

 

I don't know why I want to do it - my gut thinks I should, while my logical brain thinks I shouldn't.

 

I guess I just feel that the stakes are pretty low, as there won't be repercussions, save him thinking I'm a jerk, which he may think already.

[BluEyeL]

Good advice, and not unexpected. Moving on is hard.

 

I don't know why I want to do it - my gut thinks I should, while my logical brain thinks I shouldn't.

 

I guess I just feel that the stakes are pretty low, as there won't be repercussions, save him thinking I'm a jerk, which he may think already.

 

The damage would be in actually spending more time with a guy who is not attracted to you enough to want to date you longer term. Also, you have more of a chance of him coming back to you on his own if you don't text him. It could be weeks later though. If you could be strong and stay away, I'd say try as hard as you can!!

[desperategirl]

So it's frequent that you are in this type of situation?

 

If so I would suggest that you look deeper into that and learn from what you're doing if you don't want to be in this position again.

 

I understand that you like him, but honestly it just seems that he isn't interested in you anymore. I'm sorry about that.

 

But say that you text him ...

- if you say 'wow we went a little further than I thought' or 'I don't usually do this kinda thing'

 

it will just come off as you being ashamed of you and trying to cover it up.

Do you want that?

 

Also, I think if you texted him, he probably will contact you back because if he hasn't had time to find anyone else, you'd be a good option to kill time with and most likely (he would think) get some.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't contact him, and I would just evaluate my actions and behaviors on a date to maybe learn where I'm going wrong.

 

Good luck

 

Thanks for your reply. It has happened before, and after some amazing advice from some awesome people on here, I've actually started seeing a therapist about patterns, but also about my own extreme responses to these dating situations.

 

I haven't bothered getting back in touch with other guys, but this one seemed so keen, and I found him quite easy company, that I feel like there may be something to gain, and if not, nothing/very little to lose?

[desperategirl]

The damage would be in actually spending more time with a guy who is not attracted to you enough to want to date you longer term. Also, you have more of a chance of him coming back to you on his own if you don't text him. It could be weeks later though. If you could be strong and stay away, I'd say try as hard as you can!!

 

Ok. Good point. Hadn't thought of this possibility, i.e. spending time with someone who's not interested. I'd evaluated the risk more as not hearing back/getting a resounding NO. Although I'd rather get a NO than nothing!

 

I know that if he was interested he'd get in touch etc, I just wonder if maybe he's shy, or embarrassed etc about the other night too?

[RebelWithoutACause]

Just as a note, I'm thinking that if I do nothing, I won't hear from him, if I contact him, probably the same outcome, but in practical terms, it won't make things worse, aside from maybe me feeling embarrassed.

 

You are right about it not making things any worse, you've nothing to lose at this point. But more importantly, being open about having felt an attraction and wanting to see if things between you two can go further is not embarrassing in the least. It's the mature, adult, non game-playing way of handling things.

 

I know from experience that you probably aren't going to get the outcome you want but it's still worth a try. Otherwise you'll spend the next 2 weeks obsessing over what could/might have been.

 

I myself am not afraid of being open with my feelings because I'm not afraid of rejection. I just don't take it personally. But it's taken me years to get to this state of mind.

 

BTW if you decide to contact him make sure it's not beggy and desperate, or, even worse, apologetic.

[desperategirl]

You are right about it not making things any worse, you've nothing to lose at this point. But more importantly, being open about having felt an attraction and wanting to see if things between you two can go further is not embarrassing in the least. It's the mature, adult, non game-playing way of handling things.

 

I know from experience that you probably aren't going to get the outcome you want but it's still worth a try. Otherwise you'll spend the next 2 weeks obsessing over what could/might have been.

 

I myself am not afraid of being open with my feelings because I'm not afraid of rejection. I just don't take it personally. But it's taken me years to get to this state of mind.

 

BTW if you decide to contact him make sure it's not beggy and desperate, or, even worse, apologetic.

 

Hey, thanks for taking the time to reply. I kind of felt that too, in terms of it being quite upfront. However, I guess the worry is that upfront can come across as desperate. But then who cares if he thinks I'm desperate if he's not interested anyway, right?

 

So hypothetically, if I did get in touch, what kind of thing would you suggest saying?

[desperategirl]

Judging by your last thread he left your house Sunday

And its now tuesday???

It hasnt even been 2 full days!

Relax, and let him text you

he did say "ill text you"

If you dont hear from him within the week

then move on

 

Thanks for your reply. Yeah, I know it sounds soon, and if I did contact him I'd wait a few days, but it doesn't fit with his previous pattern of texting really quickly, that's why I think he's gone cold.

[pcplod]

It's kind of the height of stupidity because I assume I'd have heard from him by now, but even just thinking about actively doing something rather than passively accepting it makes me feel a bit better.

 

I guess the damage is just that this guy might think I'm a bigger loser than he already does.

 

Some mistakes can be fatal, literally or very expensive both literally and metaphorically. This one, as it already is and might yet still be, comes nowhere close on any account. You maybe can't see it that way, maybe others advising you literally can't see it that way, but I can assure you that, entirely objectively, it doesn't. Rationalise it. Does it make you desperate trollop? Maybe in his eyes, but why would you care? In my eyes just someone for whom things in one particular situation with one particular situation didn't work out. Anyway, if he blows you ought as an unimpressive easy lay, why the fu*k would you want to have anything more to do with him, embarrassed or not? You have already said that you won't jump in the sack with him again as easily, so that is established. Okay, maybe his expectations have already been set, but this isn't a forgone conclusion.

 

As a man I can have sex on a casual basis with a woman and yet still respect her as a person. There is more to respecting a woman or any other person than merely what their enthusiasm for or ease with sex is, or not. I would have thought that rather obvious. But maybe I'm as queer as a nine-bob note.

 

I could learn that I shouldn't spend the night with a guy so soon - well, alread HAVE learnt that, but will consolidate it!

 

And the next guy could like you and like the idea of having sex with you and look forward to the possibility and still like you and respect you. It is only sex, after all. He might even be prepared to put sex on the back-burner to demonstrate his keenness for you. That would be a sign of maturity and sophistication, an appreciation of the nuances of human relationship dynamics. There simply isn't a prescribed script for any of this. You have to look at the actors, the stage and write a script for the particular situation, something that is likely to be a one-off. And next time, different actors, different stage you have to write another script. Survivors are the one's who learn to adapt.

[Eddie Edirol]

Ok. Good point. Hadn't thought of this possibility, i.e. spending time with someone who's not interested. I'd evaluated the risk more as not hearing back/getting a resounding NO. Although I'd rather get a NO than nothing!

 

I know that if he was interested he'd get in touch etc, I just wonder if maybe he's shy, or embarrassed etc about the other night too?

 

His silence is the resounding NO. You just dont want to accept it. How many prospects do you have right now? Ifno others, thats could be why your gut doesnt want to let you start over with someone new.

[RebelWithoutACause]

Hey, thanks for taking the time to reply. I kind of felt that too, in terms of it being quite upfront. However, I guess the worry is that upfront can come across as desperate. But then who cares if he thinks I'm desperate if he's not interested anyway, right?

 

So hypothetically, if I did get in touch, what kind of thing would you suggest saying?

 

It's not desperate to just state a like for somebody. It's desperate only if you do it repeatedly after being turned down, if you beg, plead and grovel.

 

I don't know if or when you should contact him because I don't know his personality type or the dynamic between you, but if I was in a similar situation I'd say something along the lines: "Hey, I had fun on our dates and enjoyed spending time with you. If you had fun too I'd love to go out again. If for some reason you are not able to, that's fine too :-). Have a lovely evening/day/Saturday/etc."

[desperategirl]

His silence is the resounding NO. You just dont want to accept it. How many prospects do you have right now? Ifno others, thats could be why your gut doesnt want to let you start over with someone new.

 

Another good point. Another first date could push me over the edge right now.

 

There's another guy I'm interested in, but it's a ridiculously complicated situation, that I can't read.

 

Thanks.

[desperategirl]

It's not desperate to just state a like for somebody. It's desperate only if you do it repeatedly after being turned down, if you beg, plead and grovel.

 

I don't know if or when you should contact him because I don't know his personality type or the dynamic between you, but if I was in a similar situation I'd say something along the lines: "Hey, I had fun on our dates and enjoyed spending time with you. If you had fun too I'd love to go out again. If for some reason you are not able to, that's fine too :-). Have a lovely evening/day/Saturday/etc."

 

This totally makes sense to me. I'm still very much unsure as to wherther I iwll contact him, but this osunds like a good way forward if I do decide to.

[Eddie Edirol]

Another good point. Another first date could push me over the edge right now.

 

There's another guy I'm interested in, but it's a ridiculously complicated situation, that I can't read.

 

Thanks.

 

Why read it? just go for it, but dont count on anything and you dont have to be disappointed. No use dwelling on the last guy.

[nescafe1982]

If a man is interested, he will be in touch. Period.

 

^ This. I said on the last thread, but I'll repeat it here: it's dangerous to stake so much of your emotional well-being on what someone you've known a week thinks of you. It can only lead to obsession and ultimately, to despair.

[charisma.9901]

I'll disagree with the "conventional wisdom" given here, with the exception of Rebels-- Rebel's advice is what I totally agree with.

 

It's been two days--- and you've only known him a week, meaning that you really *don't* know what his communication habits are actually like. This may be fairly normal for him, and it may not. Who knows?

 

My point however, is this. You have no idea why he hasn't said anything back... so you are obsessively assuming the worst. Now, maybe he isn't "interested". But then again, maybe time has simply slipped by more quickly than he realized.

 

In several cases, early on in a dating relationship I've had men go 2-3 days without calling/texting me. What did I do? Rather than obsessively worrying about how I screwed everything up, I was upfront & texted them-- friendly, low pressure, and with no expectations. Something along the lines of: "Hey you How's it going?" or something similar. Out of the 5 or 6 times I've done this, I've never not gotten a response-- and most of them responded positively & we restarted communication. Three of them were men I ended up dating for 6-8 months. Two of those longer-term boyfriends let me know later on that they felt like they'd screwed up and were "scared" to text because they assumed I'd be mad, etc. whatever because they'd let the time slip away.

 

The one who didn't respond positively-- well, I had my answer! And it helped provide the closure I needed to leave it alone and quit worrying about it.

 

The point is, *if* you do text (and I totally think it's permissible), follow Rebel's advice-- light, optimistic & upbeat. Don't apologize or ask if you've screwed things up. Just drop him a lighthearted line and say hi-- if he says nothing, then you have you answer. If he answers... well then great.

 

Don't text him 600 times. Don't text him 6 times. Text him once, and decide beforehand that you are willing to accept whatever answer you get.

 

& remember breathe ;-)

[desperategirl]

Why read it? just go for it, but dont count on anything and you dont have to be disappointed. No use dwelling on the last guy.

 

Well...it's very complicated...it's a very good friend etc etc, and there really could be a fallout.