BK Girl Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 So my boyfriend of 13 months really, really upset me last night. It all started off yesterday when he wrote me his usual good morning email from work (we always email throughout the day to check in with each other). Since Sunday night he has been looking out after my chihuahua for me so that I can have time to work on my music--I am a DJ and have a set to play next week that I am extremely nervous about due to being very depressed for the last 4 months or so and not being able to play at all. In my emails I continually expressed gratitude to him for letting me have this time to myself as well as saying it to him over the phone. We began emailing about a flea problem that my dog was having since staying at his house (he didn't have a problem while at my house). It was a little annoying but I was in no way mad or upset about it. But apparently my boyfriend was really worried about it. Well when he asked how I was doing, I told him that I had woken up sick. I tried throughout the day to fight what I thought was a cold but it just kept getting progressively worse until I had a fever by 5:00pm and felt atrociously lightheaded and nauseated. I called my b/f at that time as I had intended to go to his apartment and pick up my dog, but was now too ill. When I called him up, he right away started ranting about how he was on his way to the pet store to pick up stuff to kill off the fleas. Though I had written him that I was sick earlier that day, he didn't even pause to ask how I was feeling, going on and on about the poor dog...this has been a source of our arguments a lot as I feel he has more compassion for animals than human beings. I finally got in the chance to say 'your girlfriend is sick too.' to which his reply was ' I don't care. You're not important right now. Bailey(the dog) is more important' I said 'fine. I'll let you get back to shopping at the pet store' and he was like 'okay.' I went into the bathroom at my work and cried. I couldn't understand why he behaved so coldly. Yes, I could understand that he was worried about my dog having fleas but I couldn't comprehend his attitude towards me. Later that night when he called and I was at home, I was still pissed. Whenever he has been sick I go to his house and buy him soup and medicine and give him massages and do anything I can to make him feel comfortable. I wasn't even asking for that during our earlier conversation. I just wanted some sympathy. I hadn't intended on calling him because I was still mad and wanted to work through my feelings because I'm really trying to work on myself and my feelings and not lash out at people which is probably what would have happened. Well, I was right. It did happen. At first when I explained why I was upset, I got the reply that I knew I would which was: 'you're so selfish. All you do is think about yourself. Why don't you grow up? Poor Bailey has fleas!' Meanwhile I'm sick with the flu. He right away starts yelling at me telling me all this which makes me cry, not because I think I'm being selfish but because he won't listen to me at all. But then he took it too far and started lecturing me about music and how he thought that DJing was just a "phase" I was going through and how his friends back home who were "real" DJs were always playing out and always talking about music and this and that and how if I was really serious about it then I would attempt to play out more often. I was in shock. I could expect something like this from my verbally abusive mother but not from someone who claimed to be "in love" with me. It was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me because music really is my passion but I haven't been able to do much with it due to my depression. The fact that he was attacking me about it was really messed up especially when I'm doing everything I can to better myself and get myself out of this rut (i.e. therapy and self help books and just about everything I can think of). I thought this guy was my friend. In fact I considered him one of my best friends but hearing him say all of that really hurt. Well, I absolutely freaked out on him. I really let him have it. I was actually a little shocked about how crazy I went.. Well after that he ended up apologizing saying that he had no right to say that and that when he had said earlier that I wasn't important and didn't matter in comparison to the dog that he hadn't intended it that way and that I took it the wrong way. I went to bed actually feeling better though. It's been this cycle that whenever I get upset and tell him, he invalidates my feelings, tells me I'm horrible in some way (ie selfish, childish etc.) and then I end up crying and apologizing. I've been letting this happen for way too long and something in me just snapped when he accused me of not really being into my music (especially since I've been busting my butt going to school everyday for audio engineering and working full time since January). I don't feel angry at him anymore(or maybe I'm in denial), but it's more of a feeling like I can't be with someone who doesn't know me and isn't compassionate. He wrote me an email apologizing for last night again and even called me at work when I didn't write back to make sure I was okay and to invite me over tonight. But to be honest I just don't think I can do it. At this point I don't know even know what to say to him. It's sad cause I do love him and am in love with him but I want to end this ridiculous cycle that is adding to deteriation of my mental well being. How do you end a relationship with someone that you really love but who doesn't treat you right? Am I totally over reacting?
billybadass36 Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 You're kidding, right? If this guy's willing to put up with the apparent level of maintenance that you need, then if I were you, I'd keep him around as long as he's willing to stay.
Author BK Girl Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 I won't disagree with you that I am tough to put with at times. But so is he. On top of being an alchoholic, he has other issues that are much more severe. And his verbal abuse is getting too much to take. I never deny that he's done things for me but while I try and work on myself to be a better person he denies that he has any problems and has frequent outbursts of anger due to some pretty messed childhood situations he experienced.
GuyMontag Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 I have to disagree with Billy, I don't think you are high maintience. Your b/f is being an ass (and pyschological abusive). Saying that a dog is more important than you is a blatant attempt by him to hurt you. I would dump him, you deserve better.
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