Making sense of it

[Daniwashere]

First post on here. I guess I just need to vent or complain about how I got dumped because for some reason I can’t seem to move past it. My mind keeps replaying the last two weeks leading up to it, searching for some kind of indication that things were going to end but I come up blank.

 

It was a LDR but it worked great for me. It lasted for about four months – I know – such a brief period of time especially when I’m reading on here about years of people being together. We talked at night, gave each other the right amount of space, and each of us trusted the other one enough not to get worried. He was six years older than me – not the oldest I’ve been with but I was the youngest he had.

 

So from the start, I met this great guy on a friend/dating site online. I wasn’t looking for someone to date but someone just to be friends with. He was. We clicked great. Same interests, same sense of humor, just all over we seemed fit for one another. Well…after a few long, late night conversations, I felt I was in a better position to date. (Was in the middle of a divorce but that’s another subject.) When I asked him if he wanted to date me, he said he had nothing to offer me so we shouldn’t. I felt really sad and depressed but life keeps on. We did meet for pizza once during this period where, at least I felt, we clicked well together.

 

We stayed in contact on the site, keeping it friendly nice and then one day I said “I think I’m going to go on a date with this other guy.” He told me to do what I want but from his line of questioning for the next few days, I could tell he didn’t want me to go. In the end, I decided not to.

 

In late February, after about a month and a half of him telling me he didn’t feel ready to date me because of stability reasons, we went to the zoo together for my birthday and hooked up that night. The next morning I told him we were dating, not sure how he was going to take that – I mean, I could’ve just been a one night in his mind – but he said yeah. And he seemed happy.

 

We would meet a few more times, once he came down and even just spent a few hours with me at a museum – no sex involved – so I know he wasn’t just after that. Besides, he’s pretty cute and could’ve gotten someone else closer if he needed that. We would laugh and say in the future, we’d build a house that had a slide, raise a bunch of animals, and just in general be happy. Not once did we fight. I never went to bed angry with him. I never cursed him out silently in my mind.

 

Then about two weeks ago he got fired I guess for the first time from one of the jobs he was going to do. I think it really got him mad and maybe a little scared. He was worried about not having enough money. When he was driving back and we were chatting on the phone, he mentioned he never wanted to get married. Ever.

 

First time I heard of this so yeah, I’m a little taken back. Any news like this needs time to be digested. I had seen myself, from the way he was talking, about one day maybe doing this. But, I asked a few friends and they said even some of their parents lived this way. Talked to those parents and they said it seemed right for them and kept the relationship new. So it didn’t seem bad in my head.

 

Then we talked about kids. We’ve talked about kids at least three times in the past. I’m more “I’d like to have one more” and he’s “Nope.” But then he changed to “Okay, but we’d have to guarantee it would be a boy.” Honestly, that wouldn’t be too hard with all kind of technology stuff right now but it’s expensive. What I figured, at least in my mind, was we’d think about doing it, realize it was a lot of money, and then just spend the money on something else.

 

This brings me to the Saturday before being dumped. We had a great, two hour conversation about all kinds of stuff. I’m trying hard to remember exactly every word but there was nothing about it that struck out as being “Oh no.” The kid thing did come up again but again, the same compromise was brought up. I didn’t think anything of it. After all, we’d only been going out for a few months. I didn’t even know if I really wanted to have another one (I have an autistic older son and another son from my marriage and they are a handful). He seemed really excited about the trip though, talking about even planning more for the future and brushing up on his ghost stories.

 

Monday he texted me, wanting to drive down to be with me. (I had sent some nice photos.) I said to save it for Friday before I was going up there.

We had made plans to go on a camping trip on the 5th. I wanted to see how everyone fit – it would be the first time he met my kids. Like I was telling my mom, who’s been great helping me through this, I wanted to see if I could look at it and say “This works. This is great.” I texted him the 3rd, asking if there was anything I needed to get for the trip, and he just said to get whatever we want to eat. Sure – no problem.

 

4th of July morning, he calls and says he needs to talk to me. Warning signs start flashing in my head. We talk for a while on the phone and he explains basically how he doesn’t want to have kids ever (this appears to be the big point), how every time we’re intimate (no idea where that word came from. He used, like me, sex when describing it) there’s a chance and he was unsure if I wouldn’t eventually try tricking him into having a child (his ex did this to him). He goes on to say he is an immature 33 year old who can’t seem to take care of himself and he doesn’t see us having a future together. He asks for me to call him again tonight and I say “Okay.”

 

I sat down and cried. I have no idea where this is coming from. Half of the words don’t sound like him. So I spend the next few hours with my family, who have all come over to enjoy a barbecue, discussing this issue. The main problem I can see is the kid thing. But I’m more than willing not to have any more. I’m fine with that.

 

So that night I call him and he is just so cold on the other side. He doesn’t sound at all like the person I knew for the past few months or even two days before. I told him I could do not having kids but then he goes on about how he’s just not good for me. Talks about how I deserve better and hopes one day I find it. The entire time we’re both saying we like each other (I had plans to say love on the trip because it sounds better face to face but…didn’t happen). He tells me there’s no one else and I believe him. I’m crying the whole time, and begging him not to do this. He states, “It’s already been done.” So we hang up, say good bye, and agree to basically NC forever. I immediately have to call back though to ask him to delete those pictures but that’s it.

 

The next few days are bad. I cry a lot. He really touched me deeply even though it was only for a short while. And I know I can find someone else. I know he had faults. But he had made me so happy. I had been depressed before meeting him and I was getting in shape, experiencing new things, just having fun. It just feels, to use Harry Potter terms, like a dementor came and sucked all the happiness from my life.

 

After 3 days, I’m pathetic I know, I broke NC. I sent him a message on that site saying how I hoped we could at least be friends. I know usually being friends doesn’t work and I probably wouldn’t ever talk to him again, but just knowing he’s completely gone hurts horribly. No response but I know he read it within 30 minutes of me sending it. He hasn’t really been posting on there or anything (yeah I check. Working on not). It felt good to get some kind of closure with the letter though so I actually was able to sleep that night.

 

I just…I don’t know. Maybe someone on here can point out there the big red flag was I should’ve noticed like a few days or so before. The only thing I can see is the kids thing but this wasn’t the first time and I could deal with the option of not having more. He had even talked about getting a vasectomy earlier and I said it was okay. I just thought things were going good and this came out of nowhere.

 

You think someone told him something and flipped him out? Is it maybe just life circumstances and he decided to cut the one thing he could? I miss him a lot. I kinda wish he had cheated on me or did something horrible so I could be mad but he really didn’t. He cancelled the trip but it would probably have been cancelled anyway because of rain.

 

Sorry for such a long post. I just needed to get it out somewhere and I’m sure by now all of my friends are tired of hearing it.

[almond]

I think you came on WAY too strong, and it scared him off.

[Daniwashere]

Ahhh. Okay. That clears some of it up. He was the one who brought up all this first but I can see how I scared him. So next time, with new guy, how do I avoid doing that? Like if new one brings it up, how do I just steer the conversation away? I feel so new to all of this.

[almond]

Stop instantly thinking of a future, marriage, children etc. when you start dating a guy. You have two children, so any relationship should be taken very slowly IMO. You should not start to think seriously or bring up conversations about having children, marriage, etc. until much further into the relationship. You should not want this with just anyone. You do not want to be desperate for a relationship, or for a man to make you feel good.

 

Learn to be entirely happy with yourself and your own life before getting into a relationship. Get yourself to a point where you feel great being on your own first, and your next partner will value this highly, and respect you more for it.

 

Work hard on yourself. Build a good social network, and nurture the relationships you have with your family and your children. Aim to create a strong personal identity that you are proud of, and a life that you love living. Then, when you start dating, a man should prove to you over time that he is worthy of being allowed in to that.

 

Basically, get yourself to a point where you no longer feel that you NEED a relationship before thinking about dating again.

[Daniwashere]

Thank you for that.