Dino1974 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Hello from the sunny west-coast....first time poster....etc, etc I'll try and keep this brief, with just the major info. I guess I can answer specific questions as I go along. Married nearly 10 years. Plus 2.5 year old little girl. I'm 37 and she's 29. When we met we became instant best friends. We had so much in common and really "got" each other. We were married 8 months after meeting. There were never really any sparks on the physical side....I was attracted to her (and her to me) but it certainly wasn't what bought us together. It was more a "meeting of minds" than clothes-ripping sexual desire. Nearly 10 years on, I feel like I'm totally holding her back, and I know she's become bitter and resentful towards me....she's basically said that. Basically, as we've grown, she has developed hopes and dreams (of course) and become interested in a wide range of activities. I have really not changed - I'm laid-back and just like the quiet life. I'm happy just being happy....I have no drive or get-up-and-go. I've always been like that. I admit I'm very lazy and stubborn - I only do things when I want to do them, and I will moan and whine if I have to do something I don't want. I can't seem to do anything about this.....it's just who I am. I've tried to just snap out of it....I've tried a shrink (useless)...and sometimes I can have a period of motivation....but it never lasts that long. I have bad self-confidence and social anxiety issues, which doesn't help. I hate who I am, and feel very guilty and sad that my wife feels like I'm holding her back. I just can't seem to change, even though I know it will eventually cost me my marriage, most likely. We're now at the point where she has pretty much said that the only reason we're together is because I have a good job and because of our little girl. She has basically "settled" and it's starting to get her down. Sex life is non-existent due to complete lack of desire on her part and lack of effort on my part. We do not fight at all. There is very rarely any raised voices. Actually, we're fine most of the time. We just don't really talk about it. I'm in my own little world and she just carries on. Every few months she'll get down, we'll have a talk, I make promises to try harder, it's good for a little while, then it all goes back to the same old routine. I feel like I need to see another shrink, but the last one was so useless and she doesn't see the point as she doesn't think they're any use in the first place. Although there is the thought that "I am who I am" and that I shouldn't have to change.....but I really feel that I am responsible for this and I don't like the way I behave. I just have no idea how to do it. Thanks for listening
whatintheworld Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 You said it - another therapist is a very good idea. Do not give up on the idea of therapy because you had a negative experience in the past. I have a friend who cycled through almost ten therapists before finding one she clicked with. That may be on the more extreme end of things, but not all therapists are good therapists. More importantly, not all therapists are good matches for you. You sound like you have serious self-esteem and motivation issues. These could be signs of clinical depression. See someone for the sake of your marriage. 1
Jstub Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Are there any topics or things that get you motivated or excited? or are you just flat lining on everything?
Babolat Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 You said "I'm happy just being happy" and then you said "I hate who I am". If you are happy with who you are, why change? Instead of think of this as a change, talk about compromises that work for both of you.
aMguilts Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 hi dino you do sound like you are suffering from depression for whatever reason like babolat noticed, your happy just being happy, but you hate who you are? big contradiction why did you need to see a `shrink` in the 1st place? aM
eddyctv Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 You should consider bike riding. No joke. Who doesnt like to ride a bike? You get exercise, you can set personal goals, and you'll feel less lazy, and more inclined to do other things. Both you and your wife could get bikes and ride together. Just a thought. 1
Decisiontomake Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Nearly 10 years on, I feel like I'm totally holding her back, and I know she's become bitter and resentful towards me....she's basically said that. Basically, as we've grown, she has developed hopes and dreams (of course) and become interested in a wide range of activities. I have really not changed - I'm laid-back and just like the quiet life. I'm happy just being happy....I have no drive or get-up-and-go. I've always been like that. I admit I'm very lazy and stubborn - I only do things when I want to do them, and I will moan and whine if I have to do something I don't want. I can't seem to do anything about this.....it's just who I am. I've tried to just snap out of it....I've tried a shrink (useless)...and sometimes I can have a period of motivation....but it never lasts that long. I have bad self-confidence and social anxiety issues, which doesn't help. She has basically "settled" and it's starting to get her down. Sex life is non-existent due to complete lack of desire on her part and lack of effort on my part. We do not fight at all. There is very rarely any raised voices. Actually, we're fine most of the time. Wow - I could write all those things about my husband/marriage, and I can tell you that if you want your marriage to work you HAVE to change/step up. I'm not sure it's depression at play - it's ok to have this type of personality as a foundation in terms of lack of "drive" as such, but if you want your marriage/family to remain intact, then you have to take control of what you can - and that is responding to what she's asking you to do. Your wife will probably go on for some time to come, due to your child's age, and financial security, but it will wear and wear and she will then one day be a walk-away spouse - it's all over this board. I'm sorry you're having difficulty with making the changes that are necessary. If you really can't make them, then you should walk away - I wish my husband had been more honest about his ability to do so over the years and saved us both the ups and downs that we are still going through. I know it's hard when there's not plate crashing arguments involved, as it's really easy to just live in apathy. That's no good for either of you though. Hopefully this board, and potentially a better therapist than you've seen before, will help you figure out a plan of action. Good luck.
eleve82 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 "Although there is the thought that "I am who I am" and that I shouldn't have to change.....but I really feel that I am responsible for this and I don't like the way I behave. I just have no idea how to do it." I must say this line here "I am who I am and I shouldn't have to change" is the number one reason why couples end up getting divorced. Lets put it this way, if all of us were so uncompromising, we would never get along with anyone in the long run. Also, knowing that your passivity would cost you something dear and not doing something about it isn't being "laid-back", its being lazy and escapist. Don't confuse the way in which people approach matters (laid back/aggressive, etc) with a refusal to do anything in the face of reason and logic. That brings most people to the question: does the marriage actually mean enough to you for you to WANT to improve things? What do you care enough in your life about to want to put in effort for? Frankly, it sounds like you are not sure about what you care about - hence why you don't feel a compelling need to do anything. People who have experienced poverty, illness, loneliness, unemployment, war - people who have been severely deprived of things know exactly what they want and what they will do for it because the contrast is so stark that it is immediately obvious to them. You sound as if you may be in a "comfort zone" where the pain is neither intolerable nor nonexistent. You are drifting and waiting for something to hit you hard. I cannot tell you what the right thing to do, but I know one thing for sure. There are two types of people in this world - broadly speaking- the sort who sees a problem and actively does something about it, and the sort who sees a problem and either does nothing, pretends it doesn't exist or runs away. Many of us are guilty of doing it on some level - most of us aren't particularly happy with our jobs, relationships, state of health etc, but not many of us actuall do something about it until it all falls apart. You can be the minority that actively does something BEFORE its too late and take charge of your life, or you can spend the rest of your life lamenting that the unfortunate events in your life are beyond your control. The decision is yours ONLY and nobody else - not even a shrink - can help you reach this decision. Your life happiness depends on it. 2
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