Ssgrimes Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I am stuck in a negative holding pattern right now and can't seem to get myself out of it. I am staying busy, trying to work on figuring out me and what made me become so vulnerable when that has never been the case and just can't seem to get my head to a place where I can understand why. I am consumed with hurt, sadness, guilt, anger, and the fear of the unknown. This all still so new and fresh I know it is expected and I completely understand how others have posted it similar to an addiction, this is how I feel right now. I need a 12 step program to get xMM out of my head is what it feels like at times. Thank all of you for your support these past few weeks. I just feel so lonely at times and have no one really to talk to about this.
Author Ssgrimes Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Maybe I should go out and eat that while pie!!! I do think too much about thinking what not to do. I never thought if it that way. I need to make a list of things I can do and start doing them. Thank you so much!!! 1
happy stillmore Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 (edited) I read somewhere it helps to get over someone by doing things that you can do now that he isn't in the picture. Do things he normally wouldn't want to do but you would. I think you and I started our NC at the same time. Mine was around mid-june.the whole situation came about over memorial day weekend. I saw how he was doing all kinds of errands and doing everything with his wife (she didn't let him leave the house alone). I saw how he was being the "good husband" and abiding by her rules. It drove me crazy! I literally saw him one hour a week and a day here and there. How can you have a relationship on that?! I would have been patient had I seen that he was miserable at home. What I saw was MM wasn't too bothered by the situation to do anything. He was too afraid to rock the boat at home. He is a kept man whose wife (mom) packs him a lunch, drives him to work and put up with the A. She knew I would get frustrated and give up. She knew he wouldn't have the courage. She enabled him for thirty years to become a dependent husband. Damn him for not fighting for me, us. I'm sorry to unload. As you can see, I'm in an angry stage right now. I have to remind myself I wouldn't want a man who doesn't place our love first and foremost in life. I can see how people go mental in breakups. A part of me would love to know if he is smiling at home right now or if he is staring at a tv preoccupied with his thoughts of how he toyed with my heart. (Probably not the latter) Where are my binoculars so I could drive by his house to see? I'm totally kidding. Ha ha. I can't stop dwelling either. What is it about A relationships that make it so hard to get over. I was never in an A before. I'm guessing because I was so miserable in my marriage and finally felt the kind of love I wanted in my life. I was happy because I trusted him completely. We talked about so many future plans. My future always included him in it. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to make it happen. His last words were: "I cry when I think of how I hurt you. I wanted to make our dreams come true. I couldn't do it." Yeah yeah. Doesn't make my hurt go away. My healing tactics are to tell myself, if he was in fact playing me, I wouldn't want him anyway and this is the best thing for me. If he was not playing me, truly loved me, he let me down greatly by his lack of courage or willingness to work hard to enable him to move out (work two jobs). I worked full-time while going to school. He can work hard if he wanted me bad enough. I wouldn't want a man who doesn't stand up for what he wants or is a coward anyway. Edited July 10, 2013 by happy stillmore
Author Ssgrimes Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Happy, I thnk we have a lot of similarities. We had a partial dday over Memorial Day weekend, where I am fairly certain he lied, lied, lied about our relationship. I sent a NC letter about 3 weeks later. Immediately after sending it I felt more empowered, but now that it has been about 10 days I am bitter and angry and sad. I find myself doing things that I like, and that I know that he likes also, because I know that he is probably being watched and not able to do any f those things. I just give myself a little pat on the back for going and doing something and knowing that he is stuck at home. Kind of helps me deal with some of my anger.he may have treated me bad, but look who is out living their life.... I get sad thinking about how the man I was strictly friends with for two years and never crossed the line with, became this person that I really didn't like for about 6 months, but I did anything to not lose the relationship. He pushed and pushed and I finally relented. I never should have done that and I regret the decision but there is nothing I can do about it. I have the guilt, and the fear that his wife may look at phone records and decide to contact me and knowing I have no clue what I would say to her. I had an even this weekend that triggered a lot of the feelings that I am having so that hasn't made it any easier. Together we will get through with this. I am here if you need me. :-)
Author Ssgrimes Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 RR You hit it spot on. Even though I requested NC there was and is still a lot unsaid. This has been the hardest part. Great things to think about and remember as continue on this long journey of healing.
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