Questions for the WS

[Queen of Sheba]

So, these questions are for the WS who wanted/wants to stay with their BS

1) Do you think your affair was different to anyone else's? Why?

2) Did you ever stop loving your BS?

3) What are you doing to show remorse? Which things are because you want to, which because you feel you should and which because your BS has told you that that is what is needed even though you find it difficult

4) What have you refused, either outwardly or just don't do that your BS wants?

5) Were all the risks you took worth it?

6) Now your BS knows what are the things you find most difficult?

[Confused48]

So, these questions are for the WS who wanted/wants to stay with their BS

1) Do you think your affair was different to anyone else's? Why?

2) Did you ever stop loving your BS?

3) What are you doing to show remorse? Which things are because you want to, which because you feel you should and which because your BS has told you that that is what is needed even though you find it difficult

4) What have you refused, either outwardly or just don't do that your BS wants?

5) Were all the risks you took worth it?

6) Now your BS knows what are the things you find most difficult?

 

The silence is deafening. The WS don't want to talk about it. Some are not remorseful and so can not answer. The ones that are, well I can imagine they don't even want to talk about this with their own BS. Like your WS and mine with us. They would only do it for the BS that they owe it to to talk to about it. I can't blame them for that. I feel for sorry for my WS. This is hard. And I know that but for the grace of god.....

[Bittersweetie]

FWW here, 3.5 years after d-day.

 

So, these questions are for the WS who wanted/wants to stay with their BS

1) Do you think your affair was different to anyone else's? Why?

 

At the time I thought we could be "soulmates." Now, with time and perspective, I see I projected what I wanted/needed onto my AP, making him the "perfect" guy. To answer, my A was just like anyone elses: hurtful.

 

2) Did you ever stop loving your BS?

 

No, because I did not fall in love with the AP. I knew if I did that I would lose love for my H. So I stopped myself.

 

3) What are you doing to show remorse? Which things are because you want to, which because you feel you should and which because your BS has told you that that is what is needed even though you find it difficult

 

The time after d-day was hard obviously. My H asked for many things despite no guarantee of reconciling. Some of them pissed me off until I realized that by doing these things I was slowly, penny by penny, rebuilding trust and integrity. Then I had no problem doing things like texting where I was or giving over passwords. Today, 3.5 years after d-day, we have an open and honest relationship so there is nothing I "do" specifically to show remorse...I have nothing to hide, and anyway, I like sharing things with my H.

 

4) What have you refused, either outwardly or just don't do that your BS wants?

 

There was one thing I did not tell him originally after d-day. And it came out 6 months later. That was a big mistake. I never did that again.

5) Were all the risks you took worth it?

 

Hell to the no. I was a huge dumb selfish idiot times a million.

 

6) Now your BS knows what are the things you find most difficult?

 

The first year after d-day was hard. It was hard when he wouldn't even look me in the eye. When I had no idea whether he was about to walk out the door or not. I remember one time not long after d-day when he bought basketball tickets for two weeks in advance. And I was so happy because I thought, he sees us being together for two more weeks!

 

It is a process. I was fortunate that my H gave me a second chance and I was not going to mess that up. Now, there's nothing I find difficult. We're open and honest. If something bothers me or I'm upset I share instead of keeping it in like I did before...that was a difficult coping mechanism to learn but it has led to much more of a positive relationship.

 

Hope these answer help with what you were looking for.

[Confused48]

FWW here, 3.5 years after d-day.

 

 

 

Hope these answer help with what you were looking for.

 

They do help me. Thanks Bittersweetie.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

So, these questions are for the WS who wanted/wants to stay with their BS

1) Do you think your affair was different to anyone else's? Why?

i guess there was a time I thought it was different, but now I know it wasn't.

2) Did you ever stop loving your BS?

No - I loved him during. I know most will say I couldn't but I did / I loved both of them.

 

3) What are you doing to show remorse? Which things are because you want to, which because you feel you should and which because your BS has told you that that is what is needed even though you find it difficult

 

I try to be open - as much as I can - we are both so broken because my husband had what you probably would call a revenge affair a little over a year after my dday. There are some things he does not know but it because he has not asked and he doesn't want to know. I answered his questions honestly.

 

4) What have you refused, either outwardly or just don't do that your BS wants?

i don't know if I have refused anything. We are both trying to recover.

5) Were all the risks you took worth it?

 

Absolutely not. I wish I could change it all.

 

6) Now your BS knows what are the things you find most difficult?

 

The irrevocable changes in friendships and life in general. It's been a very hard change.

[Confused48]

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Queen of Sheba

So, these questions are for the WS who wanted/wants to stay with their BS

1) Do you think your affair was different to anyone else's? Why?

i guess there was a time I thought it was different, but now I know it wasn't.

 

Lilmiss, I feel for you. But I'm glad you got to this point.

 

 

2) Did you ever stop loving your BS?

No - I loved him during.

 

I heard this too.

 

5) Were all the risks you took worth it?

 

Absolutely not. I wish I could change it all.

 

Wouldn't we all. Except the unrepentant I mean.

 

 

6) Now your BS knows what are the things you find most difficult?

The irrevocable changes in friendships and life in general. It's been a very hard change.

 

 

The irrevocable changes in friendships and life in general. It's been a very hard change.

 

Can you elaborate on this last point?

[compulsivedancer]

So, these questions are for the WS who wanted/wants to stay with their BS

1) Do you think your affair was different to anyone else's?

 

Our affair started out a little differently, as it began with a discussion between my husband and me about an open relationship. This discussion opened some doors that I was never able to close again, that ultimately led to an affair.

 

I didn't think this was uncommon, but it was also a "double betrayal," meaning my AP was my husband's BF. I actually thought this was pretty cliche, but the people on this forum seemed to think there was an extra level of hell just for me.

 

2) Did you ever stop loving your BS?

 

Absolutely not. Not even a little bit.

 

I did start to doubt the relationship a little, though. And my H said that as the affair progressed, I was starting to pull away from him. The timing suggests that this coincided with when it switched from a partial PA to full-on sex.

 

3) What are you doing to show remorse?

 

I spend a lot of time talking to my H about his feelings, my feelings, etc. We are spending a lot more time together than we ever have. I am trying to be a lot more patient with him than I have been historically. Additionally, I'm trying to explain when I'm upset and why, since apparently I was not communicating effectively before, which contributed to the feeling of needs that weren't being met. I am also communicating a lot more effectively during/about sex, which I've historically been a little shy about, while always wanting more.

 

I am also trying to follow through more. I'm spending less time reading (a big bone of contention between my H and I). I am trying to focus more on positive things that make me happy and build skills (art, writing, exercise, etc.). I am trying to be more consistent following through when I agree to do something (housework, etc.), and also to do things more often without being asked.

 

My husband believes that I was overly fixated on sex before, so I have for the most part stopped reading erotica, looking at porn, masturbating, etc, unless he is involved.

 

I have also found that in committing more to my husband, my desires have changed somewhat. I am less interested in what men think of me, I am more cautious about flirting, wearing revealing clothes (except around my husband), etc. I used to often cross the line conversationally where sex was concerned, and I am much more aware of this now and generally don't do it anymore.

 

Which things are because you want to, which because you feel you should and which because your BS has told you that that is what is needed even though you find it difficult

 

Difficult: As I've been posting recently, I am having a helluva time with NC. Also, I am turning the finances over to my husband because I consistently have difficulty with procrastination.

 

4) What have you refused, either outwardly or just don't do that your BS wants?

 

I still try to talk him out of retribution toward the AP. This is because I worry about the consequences, but H sees it as defending AP.

 

5) Were all the risks you took worth it?

 

Nope. In fact, I was pretty happy with H and never questioned our relationship before. Now even when the relationship feels like the best thing in the world, I still have questions and worries, AND I know that H could take it away at any time.

 

On the other hand, I am a much better person now than I was before. I think our relationship, if we make it, will heal into a much more two-sided complete relationship, but it'll always have a giant ugly scar running through it where it was broken. And there's a good chance we won't be able to get through this.

 

6) Now your BS knows what are the things you find most difficult?

 

There are triggers everywhere, for both of us. For instance, right after DDay, I chopped off my beautiful long hair and now wear it short. Not only did I need a change, but I couldn't bear my long hair anymore, because it was a constant reminder of something that my AP loved. I always wore my hair down for him, he told me about daydreaming about sex with me and included details about my hair. So what if my husband LOVED my hair. He can't stand the thought of it long again.

 

The other day he met me for lunch and he was in a horrible mood, because as he drove down the street, he caught himself looking for a specific place that AP and I used to have sex.

 

And of course the struggle with thoughts of AP.

 

Hope that's useful at all.

Edited July 10, 2013 by compulsivedancer

[compulsivedancer]

The silence is deafening. The WS don't want to talk about it. Some are not remorseful and so can not answer. The ones that are, well I can imagine they don't even want to talk about this with their own BS. Like your WS and mine with us. They would only do it for the BS that they owe it to to talk to about it. I can't blame them for that. I feel for sorry for my WS. This is hard. And I know that but for the grace of god.....

 

Confused, I want to talk about it. I desperately need to discuss it with people who get it. People who see it for what it is, see it as ongoing, understand the magnitude of the struggles, etc. My friends and family just DON'T get it (yes, most of them know).

 

It helps to see where other people have been, it helps with my questions, and it helps me to understand my BS.

 

However, this forum is only so friendly to WSs. Case in point (my thread): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/404953-bs-wants-declare-war-ap

 

Not that we don't deserve it. Honestly, I was looking for some harsh words. And I got them. But I think most WSs in R are broken and hurting and want some support. Not necessarily to the same extent as the BS, naturally. But it's hard to take the abuse. It's one thing to get it from your BS, another altogether to get from a group of anonymous strangers. It means that a lot of WSs may not stick around to answer questions from the same strangers with the harsh words. (Queen of Sheba, I'm not lumping you in with this, just offering a possible explanation on why BSs outnumber WSs so much on here).

[wanting more]

The silence is deafening. The WS don't want to talk about it. Some are not remorseful and so can not answer. The ones that are, well I can imagine they don't even want to talk about this with their own BS. Like your WS and mine with us. They would only do it for the BS that they owe it to to talk to about it. I can't blame them for that. I feel for sorry for my WS. This is hard. And I know that but for the grace of god.....

 

WSs are few and far between in this board. They appear, then quickly disappear after a few posts.

[compulsivedancer]

Too bad. We could learn a lot from each other (WSs and BSs). I have a feeling I'll be here for a while.

[leonine]

I'm a former WW, a year and some change past d-day.

 

So, these questions are for the WS who wanted/wants to stay with their BS

1) Do you think your affair was different to anyone else's? Why?

 

Like others have noted, I thought it was different at the time, but as I read more about affairs after coming clean to my husband, it turns out that it was pretty standard fare. Nothing special. Not a "True Love Story", though I believed it to be while in the midst of it.

 

2) Did you ever stop loving your BS?

 

No, but my feelings for him were affected. Faded. I always cared for him very much and didn't want to hurt him, but I was unsure about us.

 

3) What are you doing to show remorse? Which things are because you want to, which because you feel you should and which because your BS has told you that that is what is needed even though you find it difficult

 

I've answered all his questions as truthfully as possible. I'm open about my inner thoughts and feelings (even the ones that on the surface he might not like). I've taken time from things that I used to enjoy doing on my own to do things together (so has he). I've apologized more times than I know and not just when he brings up the affair.

 

I do all of these things and more because I want to, and not out of a sense of obligation. We're both making changes to become more intimate (emotionally, physically was never really an issue for us), and that makes both of us happier.

 

4) What have you refused, either outwardly or just don't do that your BS wants?

 

I honestly can't think of anything that he's asked for that I haven't done.

 

I guess actually right after d-day (like 2 days) he wondered aloud about me carrying a voice recorder and having a talk with the xMM. I said that I didn't really want to do that. I was just trying to avoid xMM at that point. I pointed out that if what he was after was a natural conversation between me and him that that wasn't going to happen - I would know about the recorder. lol He dropped it and it never came up again. If he had insisted though, I probably would have done it.

 

5) Were all the risks you took worth it?

 

Not even a little.

 

6) Now your BS knows what are the things you find most difficult?

 

Knowing that I've hurt him so badly is the worst. Every now and then, someone who doesn't know our whole situation will make a comment to him with me around along the lines of, "she's a keeper", or "you got a good one" and I just roll my eyes. He doesn't though - he'll put his arm around me and agree with them. Breaks my heart.

 

Overall, we're working through everything together and in many ways are better than we ever have been. I'm fortunate to be married to a very loving and forgiving man.

 

[wanting more]

I agree. I'm an xOW and I guess maybe a WS. I get confused sometimes on who I am with all the terms on here.

 

But I really only post as the xOW. I dont talk about the relationship I was in/am in kind of, while the A was going on.

[compulsivedancer]

I agree. I'm an xOW and I guess maybe a WS. I get confused sometimes on who I am with all the terms on here.

 

But I really only post as the xOW. I dont talk about the relationship I was in/am in kind of, while the A was going on.

Wanting more, I'm a little lost...err, wanting more, one might say. I'm not familiar with your history. I've been posting primarily as a fWS, but I qualify as an fOW/AP too. I just never really gave their relationship the time of day. Always thought it was false (even before the affair), so I never really thought of them as together. So I have to kind of remind myself I'm an OW too.

[wanting more]

I started on this board posting just as the OW, although I was in a 23 year relationship with my kids father. I posted a few times as a WS but always went back to commenting from the OW point of view.

[not-so-sure]

So, these questions are for the WS who wanted/wants to stay with their BS

1) Do you think your affair was different to anyone else's? Why?

 

I did. Swept up in things. Everything started slowly. We had exchanged pleasantries over a number of years, then our contact started to escalate. I thought all that time thinking about things without crossing boundaries made things different.

 

In retrospect I am still not sure. AP and I have far more things in common than BS and me. AP does not have kids though and that rips me out of the stupor. AP does not have the parenting intent.

 

2) Did you ever stop loving your BS?

 

I have always loved my BS, but never really in the way I think a spouse should be loved by a partner. However, the affair made me far more critical of what I found irritating about my spouse.

 

3) What are you doing to show remorse? Which things are because you want to, which because you feel you should and which because your BS has told you that that is what is needed even though you find it difficult.

 

I haven't disclosed. The affair has been over for a while now. I am not seeking advice on that here but I am pretty sure there will be response to that.

 

4) What have you refused, either outwardly or just don't do that your BS wants?

Again, no disclosure.

 

5) Were all the risks you took worth it?

In some ways yes - I realised I had not lost the capacity to love and that is a feeling I want to bring back into my marriage. In most other respects, no. The (continuing) deceit and secrecy. Losing time to my family. And of course I miss my AP. I am not interested in a lecture about these things, I am merely answering the question put to me.

 

6) Now your BS knows what are the things you find most difficult?

My Spouse doesn't know.

[JustJoe]

The irrevocable changes in friendships and life in general. It's been a very hard change.

Sorry but I do not believe that you can have romantic love for two people at the same time.

[Queen of Sheba]

Sorry but I do not believe that you can have romantic love for two people at the same time.

Can a WS be romantic with someone for whom he feels nothing and treat the one he loves badly do you think?

[Confused48]

Confused, I want to talk about it. I desperately need to discuss it with people who get it. People who see it for what it is, see it as ongoing, understand the magnitude of the struggles, etc. My friends and family just DON'T get it (yes, most of them know).

 

It helps to see where other people have been, it helps with my questions, and it helps me to understand my BS.

 

However, this forum is only so friendly to WSs. Case in point (my thread): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/404953-bs-wants-declare-war-ap

 

Not that we don't deserve it. Honestly, I was looking for some harsh words. And I got them. But I think most WSs in R are broken and hurting and want some support. Not necessarily to the same extent as the BS, naturally. But it's hard to take the abuse. It's one thing to get it from your BS, another altogether to get from a group of anonymous strangers. It means that a lot of WSs may not stick around to answer questions from the same strangers with the harsh words. (Queen of Sheba, I'm not lumping you in with this, just offering a possible explanation on why BSs outnumber WSs so much on here).

 

Many thanks to you and all the other WS that chimed in since my post about "deafening silence" on this topic. I hope it was clear that I make a strong distinction between WS in recon, or even if not in recon, the WS that are at least remorseful, (like Rebel-D.) The unrepentant active cheating WS are the ones that really rub me the wrong way. I've been sanctioned and censored for some comments to them. But for the rest of you I'm so very grateful for your point of view and telling your thoughts. It confirms to me that maybe what I'm hearing from my WS is the truth and not just damage control. Your willingness to ignore the hurtful comments of some BS and stay here to help us is very commendable. Thank you!

 

P.S. Compulsive - I defended you against such an attack on another thread today.

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm not so sure about not-so-sure because that responder used all gender neutral terms in the response, but it's interesting that all the other responders to this thread so far were women. Any brave men responders?

 

I haven't been around long enough to witness all the attacks on WS that were mentioned in this thread but I can imagine... That's too bad because we can learn from each other.

 

There's a whole seperate section for OW/OM, how come loveshack doesn't break it down to BS and WS? Just one infidelity subsection under marriage. Would make more sense to have an infidelity general section, with subsections for BS, WS, and OM/OW.

[janedoe67]

1) Do you think your affair was different to anyone else's? Why?

 

Not really in the general sense - an affair is a betrayal of one's spouse, period. However, I think mine might have differed from the typical woman's affair because apparently men have affairs for sex and women have affairs for the emotional connection. I was sex starved, so the sex was definitely the key factor.

 

2) Did you ever stop loving your BS?

 

This one is tough. I stopped "loving" my BH way before my first affair, and he wasn't too keen on me either. He would say the same thing. Then we recovered, and without going into the whole long thing....when I cheated again I was trying NOT to love him...because I didn't want to love someone who didn't love me back (at least not in the way I wanted him to love me). That sounds like a bad lifetime movie, I realize, but I'm being open here.

 

3) What are you doing to show remorse? Which things are because you want to, which because you feel you should and which because your BS has told you that that is what is needed even though you find it difficult

 

This time he hasn't told me to do anything. But I am open with my words of remorse. He sees the emotion. Everything is open to him. I make sure to be clear about my wherabouts and fully explain anything that seems fishy to him. I answer any questions he has. I am working on myself and my issues besides just the cheating. Being emotionally open is hard for me at times because I closed myself off to be protective for so long, and my fear of rejection or just.....indifference is so huge. But I am trying.

 

4) What have you refused, either outwardly or just don't do that your BS wants?

 

We have not been physically intimate since the last D-Day. He has no interest in sex anyway, and I feel bad asking.

 

5) Were all the risks you took worth it?

 

The first time I fooled myself into thinking so while it was going on. This time I knew even as it was going on that it was empty and NOT worth it, but I was just so selfish and angry and starved for touch I was willing to "take what I could get." Pathetic, I know.

 

6) Now your BS knows what are the things you find most difficult?

 

Being open and trying to be a better wife without allowing myself to hope too much.

[compulsivedancer]

Jane, it worries me that you haven't had sex since DDay. How long ago was that? If this was the main thing you were looking for in an affair, and you aren't getting it in your marriage, will you go looking for it again later?

 

I was only looking for sex, I thought. I wanted to explore other partners (we were discussing an open relationship at the beginning). But in retrospect, I was already in an EA danger zone with my AP, so there was probably a lot more going on there. And as the affair progressed, obviously I was becoming emotionally involved toward the end.

[compulsivedancer]

Thank you, Confused. I'm sure I deserve what I get, though. I'm glad that hearing our stories helps in some small way.

 

It's true, betterthanthis. Except for BSs in revenge affairs, I'm not sure I've seen any male WSs in this forum. Am I wrong?

[Confused48]

Thank you, Confused. I'm sure I deserve what I get, though. I'm glad that hearing our stories helps in some small way.

 

It's true, betterthanthis. Except for BSs in revenge affairs, I'm not sure I've seen any male WSs in this forum. Am I wrong?

 

Realist3 is a WS. And unrepentant actively wayward male. With some good insights. I also have seen some reconciling male WS. BusDriver is one. There are more but I can't think of them right now.

[Coolit]

So, these questions are for the WS who wanted/wants to stay with their BS

1) Do you think your affair was different to anyone else's? Why?

 

Each situation is unique in some way but fall usually into different catagories. My affair was purely lust. Animal attraction that instead of ignoring I went along with. But due to the fact I was inexperienced with men we formed a friendship and slowly eased our way into the A. There were no IlYs and no plans to ever leave our spouses

2) Did you ever stop loving your BS?

No, i may have a very broken love but my H is the better man and I love him

3) What are you doing to show remorse? Which things are because you want to, which because you feel you should and which because your BS has told you that that is what is needed even though you find it difficult

H has made no demands except I get std tested. I am doing nothing but trying to make it through each day.

4) What have you refused, either outwardly or just don't do that your BS wants?

 

Nothing. Id do anything.

5) Were all the risks you took worth it?

Never. Trading everything for sexual gratification was the stupidest thing I have ever done

6) Now your BS knows what are the things you find most difficult?

 

Wondering how I could deserve a husband who loves me, makes no demands and just wants me to get better. I don't regret tellin him but I do regret the BW finding out.

[janedoe67]

Jane, it worries me that you haven't had sex since DDay. How long ago was that? If this was the main thing you were looking for in an affair, and you aren't getting it in your marriage, will you go looking for it again later?

 

I was only looking for sex, I thought. I wanted to explore other partners (we were discussing an open relationship at the beginning). But in retrospect, I was already in an EA danger zone with my AP, so there was probably a lot more going on there. And as the affair progressed, obviously I was becoming emotionally involved toward the end.

 

I don't want to detract from this thread, but my story is here:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/402079-serial-cheater-finally-comes-clean