amolya Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I need some advice/thoughts on dealing with anger in relationships, and in general. Long story short i was dating a guy, which was fraught with confusion, and was a bit all over the place. He seemed to have conflicting feelings about me, which I wanted to understand. So for the past few weeks, I wanted to understand the situation and have a face to face talk, as all our arguments etc were always over text. Anyway, he was really busy most of the time, so it was hard to arrange a date, and the last 3 text messages were wrought with more misunderstanding. the second to last two, involved me joking about something, but him getting sensitive and taking it too seriously even when I explained I was just kidding around. The final one ended it all. I got super upset. First I said JFC (jesus f***kin christ), as I was exasperated but knew saying the whole thing would make him flip out. However, he asked what it meant, so I told him exactly what it was, and that I said it in anger but in a way he wouldn't realize. He proceeded to imply that means I dont care about him, and I went off the rails. crazy emotional woman off the rails. I sent about 20 whats-app messages, saying i was frustrated and angry, and that he shouldn't talk to me about love/care when he doesn't care about me (feelings I had based on what hes said to me in the past), and that I just wanted to have a real life conversation instead of stressful confusing whatsapp messages, and I was trying to understand why it was so hard to communicate without feeling like i was stepping on eggshells, and basically my ego got the better of me, and I disregarded his feelings and just let it out. Now I know a better approach would have been to either not have said JFC at all (how I regret this), or afterwards to just calmly say "I'm sorry that offends you, but I was just really angry as I feel like you misinterpret me a lot and don't try to understand my point of view, when I am trying hard to understand yours". Instead I flipped, and he basically stepped back and said "That's it. its over.i'm not interested anymore". SO I feel like the anger has cost me a lot. Maybe I have serious issues. I would like some perspective, and how YOU deal with anger, and with difficult situations. When someone says/does stuff to anger you a lot, and you constantly let it go, does it come to a point where you flip out, or are you able to continue letting go of your anger?
happywithlife Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 My advice - don't try to hash out important topics via text. There's too much room for misinterpretation and you really can't explore the topic well. Face to face is best and if that is impossible than pick up the phone and call the person. 5
hoping2heal Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 1. Anger didn't cost you that much. You didn't feel the guy cared much for you and he barely bothered to make time for you. Really, you're not missing much with that one. I mean you got mad and told him off once and he ended things. 2. As another poster said; save important topics for when you can be in person 3. Stop and think about what you want to say as opposed to the erroneous insults or aggressive dialogue that wants to peek it's head out. Though, sometimes you will be just so over the top boiling angry that your logic will fly head first out the window and you'll let it rip potato chip. Most couples have experienced this from time to time. 4. Pick better men to have relationships with. This guy hardly acknowledged you or your feelings. 3
nescafe1982 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 ^ This. Also, women are very quick to discount their reasons for getting angry to being "crazy women," and the like. Stop that... our society has as much trouble dealing with female anger as it does female sexuality. If instead of discounting yourself and your feelings, you look into what was causing your anger in this situation, perhaps you would have seen the biggest issue: You wanted to speak with him about something that is important to you; he responded by staying away, refusing to acknowledge your needs as important to him. Rather that deciding you have a disorder or something, the next time you feel that anger welling up, really think about what a) has hurt you, and b) what you're afraid of. Typically rage is a combination of hurt and fear. It might help you to diffuse your anger, and approach the next man face-to-face in a constructive way, e.g. "it hurt me when... and I'm scared that..." And no more serious discussions (of any kind! good or bad!) via text. The more of your relationships is conducted by text, the more distant you two will feel from one another. Good luck! 1
Adele0908 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I've done what you've done before. Texting while angry and upset. So now you can see the consequences of that, right? When you are upset with your boyfriend, and he is not right there in front of you, the best thing to do is to sit with your anger, frustration or sadness for a while. Let it out, cry, scream, whatever you need at the moment. You need to figure out exactly WHY you are upset. Then once you have figured out what is bothering you, tell him calmly how you feel. Don't blame him for how you feel. It's not his fault that you are upset. Just tell him that when he does "X", you feel "Y". That's it. The other option is to show your feelings and emotions in front of him when you guys are together. Because basically, you assume that he KNOWS that he is hurting you. You assume that he can read your mind. You assume that he knows how you want to be treated. But he doesn't know until you tell him. I used to go through texting wars with the man I'm dating, till I figured this out. I still have to catch myself sometimes. So don't feel bad because you are not the only one. relationships have a way of showing your less than flattering side. It's like looking in a mirror. everyone on the planet experiences this. About anger...what I learned about anger is that when something makes me angry, it's because it has pushed some kind of old emotional or mental wound. For example, when my man would miss my phone call and not call me back for a day or two, I would get angry, and think that he was ignoring me. then when I really looked at it, I realized that I was angry because I was scared he was gonna leave, because I've been broken up with before. Also I have a fear of being dismissed as stupid or unimportant. What I'm doing now is this anger exercise. At the end of every day you write down what made you angry that day on a notecard and put it in shoebox. You do this for a month and then review the notecards, and then you start to see patterns on what makes you angry. Then you can really look at what old wounds and pain you still have. Usually it's stuff from childhood. It's an interesting exercise and is helping me get more control over myself. Hope this helps you
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) Honestly OP, people say things out of anger sometimes. I have, through text, talking, we sometimes say things we don't mean. Not saying it is ok, just that... Well, if he wanted to be with you, saying JHC wouldn't have been as big of a deal. You just gave him an easy out. I don't handle my anger very well, it makes me want to rip my mans face off sometimes! Haha, but I don't get angry often. Sounds like you were annoyed more than angry. I really don't think what you said was all that terrible. I've said worse. Lol not to mention I would be pretty pissed at such things too. Edited July 9, 2013 by miss_jaclynrae
Author amolya Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Thanks for the replies thus far. I completely agree face to face is best for these kinds of conversations. Which is why I told him many times we had to talk about what the heck our relationship was in person. He told me while i was on vacation if I wanted an answer to all his questions then or in person? I said let's talk face to face. And while waiting to talk face to face, he would ocassionally text me, once or twice saying he was still busy. And then we had conversations where he would get sensitive about things, or when he freaked out at me getting long term contraception which upset him when i told him it was not for him. And these episodes angered me more on top of the pain I was feeling, waiting to hear back what was going on in his mind. And further, the fact he didnt even TRY to understand why I was doing what I was doing (continuing to see a guy I've been seeing for 6 months, and basically "keeping my options open"). All of this together caused me great emotional turmoil. And the worst bit, is how he just up got and decided that was enough and he wasn;t interested. I feel like I deserve SOMETHING after all this. A face to face chat? Even a pleasant goodbye? Is this incredibly irrational?
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Thanks for the replies thus far. I completely agree face to face is best for these kinds of conversations. Which is why I told him many times we had to talk about what the heck our relationship was in person. He told me while i was on vacation if I wanted an answer to all his questions then or in person? I said let's talk face to face. And while waiting to talk face to face, he would ocassionally text me, once or twice saying he was still busy. And then we had conversations where he would get sensitive about things, or when he freaked out at me getting long term contraception which upset him when i told him it was not for him. And these episodes angered me more on top of the pain I was feeling, waiting to hear back what was going on in his mind. And further, the fact he didnt even TRY to understand why I was doing what I was doing (continuing to see a guy I've been seeing for 6 months, and basically "keeping my options open"). All of this together caused me great emotional turmoil. And the worst bit, is how he just up got and decided that was enough and he wasn;t interested. I feel like I deserve SOMETHING after all this. A face to face chat? Even a pleasant goodbye? Is this incredibly irrational? People don't always get what they deserve. Don't hold your breath. 1
Adele0908 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Thanks for the replies thus far. I completely agree face to face is best for these kinds of conversations. Which is why I told him many times we had to talk about what the heck our relationship was in person. He told me while i was on vacation if I wanted an answer to all his questions then or in person? I said let's talk face to face. And while waiting to talk face to face, he would ocassionally text me, once or twice saying he was still busy. And then we had conversations where he would get sensitive about things, or when he freaked out at me getting long term contraception which upset him when i told him it was not for him. And these episodes angered me more on top of the pain I was feeling, waiting to hear back what was going on in his mind. And further, the fact he didnt even TRY to understand why I was doing what I was doing (continuing to see a guy I've been seeing for 6 months, and basically "keeping my options open"). All of this together caused me great emotional turmoil. And the worst bit, is how he just up got and decided that was enough and he wasn;t interested. I feel like I deserve SOMETHING after all this. A face to face chat? Even a pleasant goodbye? Is this incredibly irrational? well there's your problem. You haven't fully committed to him and he senses that. He knows that. You don't seem to trust him, and of course, if you don't trust him, he won't commit to you. There is something blocking you from trusting him, and it's not him.
Author amolya Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 well there's your problem. You haven't fully committed to him and he senses that. He knows that. You don't seem to trust him, and of course, if you don't trust him, he won't commit to you. There is something blocking you from trusting him, and it's not him. Do you mean I don't trust him because I continue to see other people? The reasons I wasn't willing to commit, are that he first told me he was in love with his sex, and thatmhe didn't know how he felt about me or what he wanted from me. The last time I went out with a guy who 'didn't know what he wanted' and i fell for him I got my heart stomped on. Furthermore, I want to commit to a strong man, who knows how to take care of himself, who is sweet/romantic, who criticises in a kind rather than harsh way, and who would Tell me if they liked me instead of getting jealous. This guy wasn't that guy. At the same time I cared for him and wanted to work something out. Perhaps I was too selfish, and wanted to have my cake and eat it too - ie spend time with him but not be in a relationship with him...
Adele0908 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Do you mean I don't trust him because I continue to see other people? The reasons I wasn't willing to commit, are that he first told me he was in love with his sex, and thatmhe didn't know how he felt about me or what he wanted from me. The last time I went out with a guy who 'didn't know what he wanted' and i fell for him I got my heart stomped on. Furthermore, I want to commit to a strong man, who knows how to take care of himself, who is sweet/romantic, who criticises in a kind rather than harsh way, and who would Tell me if they liked me instead of getting jealous. This guy wasn't that guy. At the same time I cared for him and wanted to work something out. Perhaps I was too selfish, and wanted to have my cake and eat it too - ie spend time with him but not be in a relationship with him... Yes, you seeing other people means you don't trust him enough yet. Based on what you said, you haven't committed because you are afraid he is going to hurt you, because of your past. Also, he is not exactly what you wanted. You want "a strong man, who knows how to take care of himself, who is sweet/romantic, who criticizes in a kind way rather than a harsh way". So since you are holding on to your past and to your desires, you can't accept this man for who he is. So you argue with him, and hassle him about "what's wrong", because you need to find proof that he isn't right for you. It's not fair to him. He has to carry all your burdens and expectations and baggage, along with his own issues. It doesn't sound like much fun for either of you.
Author amolya Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Thanks, I didn't really think about that before. I guess part of me might be afraid. But what would you do if a guy told you he didn't know how he felt about you? I felt i had to stop myself falling for him, and maybe i used those things as excuses to not fall for him ? Maybe I'm afraid of commitment.. I'm not sure. But at the same time there were times when he seemed needy or insecure, and when he first found the flirty picture, said he didn't trust me. I wasn't really sure how to handle this. It's why I'm asking, so I can learn And be a better person in the future
Adele0908 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 When did he say that he didn't know how he felt about you? Was it after you asked him how he felt or did he just volunteer that information? You said you would text him and tell him that you wanted to talk about the relationship. How would you feel if someone you dated constantly asked you "what are we doing", "where is this going?". It's like being put on the spot, and most times the answer you get is "I don't know". Whether its face to face or on the phone, it annoys people, especially men. It's better to just ask "what are you looking for right now?". It's less confrontational. If you actually really liked him and you were just afraid of getting hurt, then basically you fed that fear and sabotaged the relationship. But if he was treating you badly or was stressing you out unnecessarily, then him leaving is a good thing. But it seems like the main issue here was lack of trust. Also, seeing another man on the side for 6 months probably hurt his feelings. How would you feel if he was seeing other people on the side for months. Wouldn't you feel very insecure? You have to put yourself in other peoples shoes. You attract what you are so it seems like both of you were at the same or similar levels of trust and commitment. When you are able to trust more and commit more and open your heart again, you'll attract a man who is able to do the same. Either the man that you are with will change and commit more to you, or the universe will send you a new man.
Author amolya Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Hey, I ink the first time, he volunteered the info, the second time he asked what I thought of him and what i wanted from him and I asked the question in return. I only asked to talkin person about the relationship because I was confused about him getting insanely jealous of seeing others while maintaining he didn't want a monogamous relationship with me, and other things,and all our emotionally charged conversations seemed to happen over text. I just wanted a face to face talk to avoid misinterpretation and drama. I only asked a couple of times. I'm not sure if I was entirely afraid of getting hurt. I first thought he had a lot of issues I didn't want to get involved with (depression, hung up over ex) but also felt he didn't always treat me with respect. However I find myself wondering if I was just too sensitive. As for him seeing other people, it perhaps would have hurt me a little. But I would have tried to find out what he wanted long term and been open and honest so we would make sure we were on the same page. Instead what he did was avoid talking about it, and continues to sleep with me while saying he didn't like me seeing other people. I do believe you're right when we attract what we are. It's like a mirror image. Maybe I was angry in him what I knew was in myself. Perhaps we were both confused and crazy and all over the place and it would never have ended well.
Adele0908 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 To me it just sounds like you're not ready to be fully open and trusting. Your not sure and all the questions you were asking makes it seem like you aren't sure about him, so he isn't sure about you. I doubt the ex was a factor anymore. If he wanted her back he would be going after her. He might just be trying to move on from her. All the drama between you two wasn't helping, I'm sure. sounds like you're trying to grow and learn, so the next relationship you have will be a lot smoother.
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