utwonderwoman Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Same story as everyone else. I was with my fiancé’ for two years. We lived together, had bought a house, been through loss of jobs, and other mounds of other stress. I loved him more deeply than I thought possible. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. I thought he would be a wonderful father and husband. He decided on 09/11 that he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me anymore. What does that mean? Can I please get a man’s perspective on this? We had seen a counselor for problems and he didn’t like her and he was unwilling to try another. I wrote him tons of emails of how I was willing to try, why it would be successful, but he wants nothing to do with me. He wouldn’t for weeks. Then he agreed to meet me for lunch on the day that he was to leave for our vacation to his hometown. He wouldn’t let me drop him off at the airport (some girl was going to.) The lunch was nice but didn’t leave me with feelings that things were going to get worked out. He said that he was going to talk to a lot of people while he was there. What does that mean? He let me hug him and kiss him on the cheek, but nothing more. He says he loves me but he just doesn’t know if this will work. What does all this mean? Do I move on or do I keep trying hoping that he will see how committed I am to making this work? Please help me.
snilljente Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 "some girl was going too"...sounds like he is seeing someone else, in which case, I think you should move on.
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 No, she wasn't going with him. A girl from his office (that he assures me is too old for him) is the one dropping him off at the airport and picking him up. That is why he wouldn't let me take him. I am sorry if I wasn't clear about that before.
Just Visiting Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Sorry to hear about your situation. I understand the pain and confusion that comes with finding out that someone you love doesn't feel the same way. Please take a step back from this man. Don't chase him. It would only make things more difficult. I know you want to but it is not going to help. Try not to contact him for awhile. Concentrate on healing and taking care of yourself. The one thing I have learned is that if you leave them alone long enough, they will eventually find a way to contact you. It is going to painful (been there) but it is has made me stronger and wiser.
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 I appreciate your feedback. And painful is the understatement of the year. I don't even know how to take care of myself anymore. I cannot concentrate at work and with the holidays coming, I can hardly cope. Dividing up the finances and the households just seems to be the agonizing icing on the cake. A friend of mine bought me the book 'He's Just Not That Into You.' I used to be a logical woman. I cannot seem to find my brain to move on. What are the steps?
Just Visiting Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 I am planning on picking up the book as well. Heard it gives great, insightful advice. When my ex left without an explanation, it was very very painful. I couldn't eat, didn't sleep well, thought about him all the time. I just wanted to die, but I slowly got out of that state. It was my first live-in relationship and it hurt deeply. What I did learn from it is that the strong survive, success is the best revenge, don't completely wrap yourself around another person, and if you leave them alone long enough...they will find a way to contact you.
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 It is insightful in that you do not feel that it is at all dressed up. The guy writing the book seems to come off very direct (very Dr. Phil) and to the point. The woman seems strong and no nonsense but still a woman at heart. You said that slowly you came out of that state. How long did it take you to start living your life? How did you do it? I don't think he will contact me. He is a very firm decision maker. I wish the part of me holding on would let go so I could just move on and quit thinking that it will work out. I feel like such a loser.
Weird Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Don't try and press the situation and jsut let time sort things out. If it is meant to happen it will happen. Sucks that you two were engaged but you have to look on the bright side...better he did this now than after you two got married.
ltomlinson81 Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 I understand how you are feeling, ut. I am in a similar situation (aren't we all?). I feel like all I can think about is my ex, that is, except when I am distracted. Keep yourself busy, don't contact him, don't converse about him with friends. Make your life your own now, treat yourself like a queen. You will be thinking about him a lot in the near future, but just don't act on anything. That is what I am doing now, with no contact, and I'm hoping that will help me to get over things.
Just Visiting Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 It's normal to think that way, "I am a loser" for when a relationship breaks up. Believe me, I felt like that after he left. And I was depressed for quite awhile. But during my depression, I vented when I was feeling particularly low, sought counselling, read everything I could on relationships and self-esteem. My family and friends were thankfully patient with me. Once I started getting out of the depression, they were there to help me celebrate...lol. For me, it took me over a year to start feeling human again. But I find I tend to hang on to things longer than necessary. So it is going to be awhile. There are certain things that I miss about him. But to be honest, if he ever did want to reconcile, I would look at him like he had a screw lose or something. Because when the rose-coloured glasses come off and you see what the other person is capable of, their emotional patterns, baggage, and tendencies. You just don't to expose yourself to that again. I respect myself too much to do that. My ex did contact me eventually. I think he was feeling sentimental because our would-have-been-anniversary was approaching. I thought that once he picked up his things that I would never hear from him again. So I was very surprised when he did. It has been months since we had any sort of contact. But I know that he will try again. But now I am at a point in my life where I can see what kind of person he is. And I don't want to expose myself to that again. I am hoping that this has helped.
Weird Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 just visiting, what if the guy changes for the better and wants to show you...or do you know he will never change? I do not know the situation nor am I saying he deserves a 2nd chance. I am just merely saying people can change for the better and I think unless they really do something bad (cheat, abuse) they should get a chance to prove they have seen the err of their ways and show they are a better human being.
Just Visiting Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Hi Weird (sounds funny..lol); With this particular person, after the break up I found that I was not the first person he played. I truly wish that he is able to overcome this pattern. But I don't see it happening anytime soon. If he ever does then I would be very happy for him. Because like I said before, there are things about him that are positive. But trust and honesty are not his strongest qualities. And those qualities are very important to me.
JamVan Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 When do you know the person has changed? I know from my experience my GF has come back and said she's changed, realized what our problems were and knows she's ready to start a life together. That being said it's lke clock work, two months of bliss and then issues and problems arise, she needs time and space to figure stuff out and I'm left waiting , wondering and picking up the peices. I am still with my GF as of right now, but it really is heading back to where we were before. I told her I needed a complete seperation and let her deal with her problems. She came back saying I don't know what to say, I don't really want to end things but that's your choice. I said this has to be mutual, if we both don't want this then lets begin to actually work things out. The only advice I have, is make sure your ex has in fact made the changes that were present in the past. People can change I agree, just be careful and remember you come first and so does YOUR hapiness!
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 In my case, it was me that needed to change. How do I convince him that I have changed. What will work to convince him?
Just Visiting Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 utwonderwoman....I am not sure what you mean when you say you need to change. explain further.
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 Me being argumentative and impatient over pretty much everything.
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 And he also said the following: failed promises, constant mental abuse and aggression towards each other.
Weird Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Originally posted by Just Visiting Hi Weird (sounds funny..lol); With this particular person, after the break up I found that I was not the first person he played. I truly wish that he is able to overcome this pattern. But I don't see it happening anytime soon. If he ever does then I would be very happy for him. Because like I said before, there are things about him that are positive. But trust and honesty are not his strongest qualities. And those qualities are very important to me. Cool, glad you clarified that and I like the stance you take on it. utwonderwoman, babe, BOTH parties have to change when things go sour. Don't try and act like you are the only one who needs to change. Trust me on this, if you changed for the better and he stayed the same you will roll your eyes at the thought of getting back together if the situation arose because you will see he wouldn't be worth the time. I really do believe in the philosophy that for 2nd chances to work both people need to change for the better.
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 Thanks! He says that he is working on being the person that he wants to be. But what can I do to convince him that I am serious about my changes. How do I help him to see the changes if he refuses any kind of contact with me?
Just Visiting Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Then don't push the issue. He will see that you have changed your ways down the road. You can't force him to look right now. Continually seek ways to improve yourself in the meantime. And when your paths do cross, then he will have the opportunity to see that you have indeed changed.
Weird Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 You can't force him to see the changes and you can't press the issue. All you can do is play it cool and just be a better person around him and hopefully he will see the changes you have made.
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 well, I guess he has made his decision. He didn't even bother to call me before the court date on the closing of our house today. It is like I am starting all over with pain again. I don't even know what the point of going on with my life is anymore.
Devildog Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 ut, here is what I have done in a similar situation, only I didn't get a laundry list of problems handed to me. You can sit around and hope that he decides he can live with the issues, or you can make a positive attempt to change if you want the other person back. First of all stop arguing with him. I realized that my arguing with my wife was me saying, "I know better than you do". If you really want to change, you need to do more than just say I will try to change this behavior. You need to understand why it is you act or feel this way. Where do the issues come from and what triggers them. If you understand why you feel the way you do you will ge able to gain control of those issues and feelings and really change them. I doubt this guy has dropped off the face of the earth, he must still talk to friends or family, he will hear how you are doing and try to contact you.
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 I appreciate your feedback. I have done all this soul searching on the problems that he addressed and the problems that I felt that I had on my own. I wrote lists, read books, and sought counseling. Not to mention, the endless hours spent talking to friends about the problems that I felt that I needed to work on. I emailed him (because of his do not call rule) all these things. What I thought my problems were, and how I was working on fixing them. Not just yapping about them, but what actual steps I was taking to work on them and why I also thought they were impt to fix, not just because it was what he wanted. He left to go to his family for a week (our planned vacation) and said that he would do a lot of talking to people there to sort out his feelings. No calls, no emails, no nothing. The logical part of me understands that he made his decision, but the part of me that is still in love with this man and our future together, refuses to let go. I just want to know, how I am supposed to go on?
Weird Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 You go on by realizing that your life existsed before him and it exists after him. No human on this planet is worth having your life ruined for. Not one. In time you will see that and you will realize that if you two are meant to be together you guys will end up being together. You have to get rid of the negative thoughts and just realize everything is not in your control. On and tell your brain to quit jerking you around with the damn chemicals making you feel so lost and ruined. The logical part of your brain (and everyone's brain) realizes it isnt the end of the world and isn't even something to be upset about...shame the logicla part and the emotionl part can't just have a sitdown and come to a compromise:) Well, they do in due time but it is a shame it can't happen right away after an emotionla hardship like a break up. Just know everyone on here has felt lost and like there was no point after they broke up but after some time they all realized the break up wasn't the end of the world and I'd say most of them are better people because of what happened. Failure and adversity makes us human stronger and gives us knowledge. Ask any successful (in any aspect) person and they will tell you the adversity they have faced and times things have gone wrong are what lead to their success.
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