curlygirl Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Hi, I'm a first time user but after reading alot of these posts I am pretty sure that you people out there can give me some advice. I am engaged to my "first love" and we are due to get married in May next year. Things had been a little difficult over the last few months as he had been busy at work as had I and we hadn't spent much time together. I also had some health problems which made my sex drive go through the floor. To cut a long story short, my fiancé came home from work 3 months ago and told me that he couldn't get married as he wasn't ready. Lots of questions were asked and he confessed to having been seeing a girl from work for the previous 2 months. They'd met in town when I thought he was playing squash and had a few snogs at work when no-one was looking. He said he didn't love her but he needed time to sort his head out so I told him to leave. He was gone for 7 weeks in which time we still had contact and I thought everything was going OK. He was very affectionate when I saw him and we slept together a few times too. He said he wanted to come home 3 weeks ago. The day before he did I was thrown back into emotional turmoil by finding some messages in his phone. He had promised me that he would have nothing more to do with her when he left as I had made it clear that it would be over between us. Over 15 messages from her saying things like "I miss you", "been thinking of you" but the one that upset me the most was that she kept saying "I love you". When I confronted him with it he said that he was going to break contact with her tonight as tomorrow he was coming home and he didn't want anything more to do with her. I'm still really upset and totally confused as it was that weekend when I found out that he had indeed told her that he loved her. He said that he was falling in love with her. He also told me that during the first 2 weeks when he moved out of our house he saw her in town 3-4 times and stayed at hers twice!!! They never had sex (and I'll have to believe him) but they did everything else. This was the time when he was still being lovely to me and I was under the impression that she was off the scene. Things are OK at the moment between us and I have started seeing a counsellor as I can't sort my head on my own. There is just one issue that is really worrying me and when I've asked him he doesn't give a clear answer. This girl was 21 (we are both 25) and she moved to France 2 weeks after he moved out. I feel like he's back with me because she isn't here anymore. When I ask him if she was what would he do he says "they are all what if questions and no-one can answer such things!" I have spent the last 3 months no longer knowing who I am, whether I can trust him again and what I'm supposed to do. He is continually turning his phone off when he is in the house claiming that "he doesn't need it at night" - what's that all about?!?! I'm angry, upset, p!ssed off and really confused. I'm fighting with myself everyday about this and I really don't know what to do anymore. He's not a big talker either which makes matters worse - I'm left analysing everything. He says he's back home because we "feel right together" and I really do still love him after what has happened. I'm more concerned about the sequence of things. He tells me, moves out, spend 2 weeks with her, she leaves for France and then he comes home. I really need some advice here. Is the way he did it "normal"? Is that a sight he might do it again?! Thanks for listening....
overseas2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Are you out of your mind? Why are you still with this guy? Do you just want to like destroy your self esteem?
Stone Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 I am so sorry, my dear unfortunatly I was in a similar situation as you my wedding got called off 1 month before the wedding, everything paid ect. and I was a mess for quite some time.) I am so glad you are seeing a counsler now I still have issues becasue of this 3 years ago and I probably should have seen someone about it. I know you don't want to hear it and I am sure everybody is telling you to be gald your not marrying him! It took me a very long time to say Not Marrying this man was the best thing I ever did. Why would you marry him after what he has done? It is not going to get any better, do you want to start your future this way? I am sure he slept with her if he stayed at her house... he is skrewing with your head... RUN FAST!!
GiveAndTake Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 My opinion is, stop worrying and move on with YOUR life. Let him do all the relationship work for awhile. He owes you at least that. Have a 'take it or leave it' attitude even if you don't feel like that. You will never feel secure until he proves his remorse. It has to be his doing. Don't hold up hoops for him to jump through. Simply observe him. Let him get the hoop and jump through it. If he doesn't, move on.
mrs.sarah Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Get rid od him now!!! You deserve to be treated better than that. At least this happened now and not after the wedding. He's obviously not ready for commitment if he's cheating. Best wishes with everything.
Leikela Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 I am so sorry you are in this situation. Take it from someone on the outside... If he truly loved you, respected you, and wanted to be with you, he never would have chased after another girl in the first place. I'm sorry to say that he is not a keeper for you. What's going to stop him from hooking up with another girl in the future? He's proven to you that he cannot be faithful. I am also having a hard time believing that he never had sex with her. Let's get real... I think you need to think long and hard about this. What do you love about him? Is it worth the pain of him cheating on you and possibly cheating on you in the future? Do you believe that you can find someone who will be crazy about you and be faithful?
tiki Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 You got a rotten egg. Keep searching for one that fits your needs. Good luck.
Adunaphel Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 I agree with the other posters....hard as it might be try to leave this guy. He has been cheating on you (he even told her he loved her), he probably lied about not having sex with her (like 'doing everything else' was not enough), he is acting suspicious(turning his phone off), you are worried he is back with you because she is not available and he's not even doing *anything* to show you it's not so. he's not really acting like he's trying to get back your trust. be glad you didn't marry him.
Sukotto Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 I personally fail to see why everyone seems to think that leaving him is the best idea. If they were engaged then there is obviously a bond between them. Its true that he probably shouldn't have seen this other girl but maybe it was due to a problem in your relationship? You said that you were both busy and had various other problems prior to this, he probably felt unloved and lacking attention, when this new girl gave him what he was lacking then he probably found it hard to resisit. I'm not saying its all your fault but surely you have some part to play in it. You guys definately need to have a talk about your feelings for each other and get EVERYTHING you need out in the open if the relationship is going to work, a partner always needs reassurance that he feels loved. It doesn't have to be said, it could be some small act that shows you love. Even just a half hour at the end of every day where you guys sit and talk would help. Follow your instinct, can you remember why you were originally attracted to this guy, do the feelings still stand true at this moment in time? If so and your sure he feels the same then you should do your very best to make it work.
suebee Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 JMO - I agree with most of the posters here. I would look for someone else. I was "in a sense" in the same boat as you. My now current H cheated on me the whole time we were dating behind my back. I knew none of it. We got married and I found out about his prior cheating about 4 months after we were married. He even cheated on me 3 weeks before we were married. I was devastated. I told him I wouldn't have married him if I had known he was going out on me. I wouldn't even have continued to date him! Now I'm miserable and trying to work on myself to be happy again. I sunk into a depression, was seeing a therapist, and was on medication for a while. He claims he isn't cheating now but I really don't trust him and probably never will. Any happy times we had in the past are clouded over with thoughts of "was he telling her the same love lines he was telling me?" or "do they have a special day, song, etc. like we do?" It's an awful way to live. He claims he loves me but, in my mind, if he loved me, he wouldn't have even thought about cheating. I was asked to go out on a date while I was dating him but turned the guy down because of the situation I was in.
anon2 Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 And move on! Get a hanky and wipe your tears away. You found out before marrying a jerk. I found out my wife was cheating on me when we were engaged and later too--years later after she'd given me STDs and we had two kids. Thank your lucky stars and look for happiness elsewhere!
Author curlygirl Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 Thanks for replying. I am hoping that he will come with me next week to see the counsellor who has been great over the last few weeks. He has some huge emotional issues that he needs to deal with and I know that these have affected the relationship this year in particular. He often says that he's not good enough for me and that I should find someone better. He puts himself down quite alot and even said that my counsellor might "advice me to get rid of him as all he does is cause me pain" Some of his comments are quite disturbing. Even my counsellor says that he sounds a little depressed. I'm taking one day at a time and like was mentioned in one of the replies, I am going to observe him and let him start putting things right. Things are getting better slowly but I know this is going to take time. We are engaged, after he proposed to me, and I'm not going to throw everything away so fast. I know for other people that might sound a little stupid and naive but I still love this guy and he's told me he's really sorry for what he did. He left his phone on last night after I told him that it upsets me when it is turned off. He said he thought it was better for me if it was switched off as I get worried and anxious if it beeps. He even showed me all the messages that he got last night just to prove that none of them are off her He gave me a big hug in bed and just said that things will get better. I'll stay with the counselling, I have several girls night outs planned and I'm going to start thinking positive. Its "reassuring" (if that's the right thing to say) that so many people are in or have been in similar situations. There's nothing worse than thinking "why me" and "what did I do?" I'll keep you all posted and thanks for the advice. It's nice to not feel alone
Devildog Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Originally posted by curlygirl He often says that he's not good enough for me and that I should find someone better. He puts himself down quite alot and even said that my counsellor might "advice me to get rid of him as all he does is cause me pain" Some of his comments are quite disturbing. Even my counsellor says that he sounds a little depressed. He probably has some low self esteem. Comments like that are a way to fish for compliments to make him feel better. Sometimes when couples have hard times, if intimacy problems develop, they might feel unattractive to the other person. This piece he had on the side probably made him feel better about himself. BUT that is no justification for cheating on someone you are in a commited relationship with. If you do decide to continue with this relationship and marriage, be advised, you will probably always have trust issues. Every time he goes out with his friends you will wonder, every time he works late you will wonder, every time his phone beeps you will wonder. And that lack of trust will cause problems eventually. He will begin to feel that he can't do anything without you checking up on him. The painful reality is that you are better off not investing several years of your life if you don't think you will ever trust him again. But then you might be someone who it is easy to restore trust with. I am not one of those people.
Mr Spock Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 DUMP HIM. This guy does NOT love you. If he was really in to you, he wouldn't cheat. I don't know what else to say except you're 25, and should NOT have to go to counselling for some loser jerkoff who can't keep his d*ck out of some other girl's vagina. And if you keep making excuses for him, I'm going to get angry and stop reading your posts.
foofoolala Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 As suketto said, of course there is some sort of bond between you and your fiance. I won't argue that. However, I think the majority of us are trying to say that this is no way to start a life together- with distrust, cheating, so much dysfunction before you even walk down the isle. Marriage is hard enough after years and years- trust me. If you are having these probelms now they will continue.
guest Posted October 24, 2004 Posted October 24, 2004 I agree with those who advise to end this now. He has already maltreated and deceived both you and another woman, this is not the way to start a marriage. You should be happy this all happened before you married him. It does sound as though he stopped seeing her because she is out of the picture. If he so quickly turns to someone else to get his needs met now when there are problems, ie: your sex drive, his self esteem, he will probably do the same again in the future, when the problems/stresses may be far greater. He admits to telling her he loved her, if that's true then he was either lying to her also in order to have sex with her or it could mean that he does actually love her. For me, the former would be much worse because I have zero respect for people who lie in order to get sex. I would not want to be involved with someone who is capable of hurting and using other people this way and who obviously has so little respect for themselves. If he does love her, more than he loves you, it's painful to face, but at least you realize that he is not the one for you and although it might not feel like it a the moment, that is for the best in the long run. Good luck.
StillHurtin Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock DUMP HIM. This guy does NOT love you. If he was really in to you, he wouldn't cheat. I don't know what else to say except you're 25, and should NOT have to go to counselling for some loser jerkoff who can't keep his d*ck out of some other girl's vagina. And if you keep making excuses for him, I'm going to get angry and stop reading your posts. I agree w/ Spock and most of the other post. There is no excuse for someone to have an affair. If he really did love you he wouldn't of slept w/ another woman. If there was problems in the relationship he should of came to YOU first, instead of another. I am so sorry you are going through all this. It must be so hard. At least you found out b4 the wedding and children what type of person he is. I know you love him, but you don't deserve this. If you need to get counseling then do b/c maybe you need that help to get over this guy and find someone who truely loves and respects you and wouldn't hurt you like this. He may feel bad for what he did, and say he will never do it again, but can you trust him? Are you going to go through a marriage not trusting him? A marriage w/o trust is not a good marriage, beleive me.
Author curlygirl Posted October 27, 2004 Author Posted October 27, 2004 It's over. It ended yesterday and I am so RELIEVED! I have realised that he is never going to change and that he will always be doing this. This is about me now and what I want. I know there is a guy out there who loves me and will treat me with the respect that I deserve. Things are not going to be easy, I realise that, but I am now at a point where I have no choice but to move on. I have great friends and a fantastic family and I KNOW that I am eventually going to be OK. I found out last night that he had had a few "drunken snogs" over the years which I had never known about. I guess I'm just hoping that he will continue to be a serial adulterer forever. It makes it easier to accept that he won't change and will probably do this to her, if they get together, and anyone else. Does he have all the signs of a serial cheater?? Final straw came when he finally admitted to still being in touch with her and he hasn't denied that they might start something when she gets back from Paris next year although "it hasn't been discussed" - whatever! I've informed all our friends and HIS family (as they knew nothing!) what has happened in a lovely long e-mail this morning I put his name cc so he has read everything that I sent - I reckon he'll be rather shocked that I've done that. He has been the one that has been a 2 faced, cheating, lying arsehole and I don't want to spend my life with someone like that. I might not have much self esteem at the moment but I know that he's not right for me. The guy who gets me down the aisle and has his kids with me is gonna be one lucky fella
Stone Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 You go girl, I am so PROUD of you!! and I am glad you made him look like an arsehole to his friends and faimly, go have fun, take a vacation alone or with some friends, and don't get wrapped up with any serious realtionships for a couple months..... I am SSOOOOOOOo proud of you, you deserve much better and now his whole faimly knows it.... Good Girl!
SOSORRY Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 Everyone is so angry. People make mistakes and they learn, it does not necessarily mean that he will do it again. If we went through life not thinking like this we would all be doomed. I made the mistake of cheating on my fiance before we got married. I got serious cold feet and was very confused I ended up having an affair with a friend of mine and at the time I thought that my fiance was not for me. I tried to call of the wedding, I cheated, I lied and I betrayed him and I believed other people when they said that he had been cheated on me, deep down I knew that wasn't true. Somehow i came out of the cloud and realized what i was doing and what i was going to lose. I was devastated at the way that i had been acting. I had been swept off my feet and made to feel like a queen. I told my fiance what had happened he was obviously not happy but he is a rock and was able to make sense of my behavior, not the he agreed with it. We talked through things. I never made any excuses or tried to blame anyone as I don't know why it happened and I still don't. My fiance and I have always been so in love we couldn't bare to leave each other side. For those few months of the affair I could not be near him i was very confusing. We are married now and I meant everything I said to him on our wedding day and I believe we will be forever. He trusts me fully because he knows I take responsibility for my mistake and he knows that I will never do that again. I know that I will not either. It is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life and I can barely live with myself sometimes because of the pain that I have caused him. I am not promiscuous by nature. I am going to counselling now because I need to try and understand what happened and I need to work through my guilt so that we can get on with life.My husband does not believe that we should dwell on the past. We see this as something that has made us stronger because if we can get through this we can get through anything. The trust is strong our bond is stronger and every day I treat him like a king and love him with all of my heart. We are honest about everything now, little white lies do not even feature. People make mistakes. It does not make them evil or dis-trusting. I have learnt from what I have done and will not make the same mistake again, I came so close to losing him i feel sick to think about it. People deserve second chances.
Stone Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 He has done this to her SEVERAL times and lied about it SEVERAL times, She gave him a second chance and he blew it, the only one who deserves a chance here is her and that' a chance to be in a committed relationship with someone who respects her and not waste anymore of her precious time on a man who has emotionally raped her.
SOSORRY Posted October 28, 2004 Posted October 28, 2004 yes you are right sorry stoneheather I did not see her latest reply. He is beyond his second chance and she deserves to be respected.
Stone Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Not a problem SO SORRY, I've cheated to and regret it, but this poor girl has had enough But it was so nice to hear your story, and I am so glad it had a happy ending
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