Arguments!

[Queen of Sheba]

So, as the BS we have every bloody right to be angry right? If I want to rant and scream and shout I will. Do you? My OH still seems to think that as I've had good days and then can start again suddenly recon will never work. He's not prepared to be arguing for 2 years! I don't think we will be arguing for 2 years having the same discussions. He seems to think that because he's answered the questions and/or responded to what I am saying about something it is dealt with and I shouldn't be bringing it up again. He thinks I'm looking for different answers. I'm not (although better ones showing how he did actually consider me would be nice!) but because it is not rested in my mind it's going to keep coming up isn't it? How do you deal with the things that really hurt and for which there aren't good enough answers? Do you keep bringing them up because they pop into your head? Do you dismiss them? HOW?!

[Confused48]

At first my WS was like this too. It sure did no good for recon.

 

Eventually my WS became resigned to talking about the same things, over and over and over. Eventually I got comfortable that WS would talk to me about these things whenever I wanted. Only then did the need to rehash these things start to diminish.

 

The more the WS resists the more you will need to talk about it. At least that is my experience. Has your H read the post pinned at the top of this section called, "what every WS needs to know?" Have you given your H a copy of "how you can help your spouse recover from your affair?" There are a lot of things that are helpful to recon that do not come naturally to a WS.

 

Funny thing, I got that book for my WS and read it too. I was reading it and a casual acquaintance saw the title. I can tell that person now thinks I've had an affair!

[Queen of Sheba]

Yep I made him read it. He said he understood more but it didn't last. I keep telling him to read it again and again! He is well meaning and he tries but he keeps going into self defence mode and when he isn't arguing he has no right to do that and he can't defend anything!

 

Does it just diminish because you actually just get need to say it less, it pops into your mind less or does your WS do/say something different?

[jnel921]

In the beginning our MC warned my H that My emotions would be mixed. He also warned him that there was no time limit as to when this would end. He did tell him that if and when we were in a better place we would have conversations about it that would feel less uncomfortable.

 

A year ago I was a mess. I am beyond that now. While my H still gets teary eyed talking about it he is forever grateful that I stayed with him. I have asked him questions and he has been open and honest with me. No reasons to lie now.

 

It has gotten better, but is a work in progress everyday.

[Confused48]

Yep I made him read it. He said he understood more but it didn't last. I keep telling him to read it again and again! He is well meaning and he tries but he keeps going into self defence mode and when he isn't arguing he has no right to do that and he can't defend anything!

 

Does it just diminish because you actually just get need to say it less, it pops into your mind less or does your WS do/say something different?

 

Some people get it right away, the true heart felt remorse. Some never get it. My WS got it over time. As I withdrew in response to WS not getting it. WS said the right things from day one but I could tell it was not heart felt, not fully. In part b/c after reading the stuff I mention above, WS still did not follow through with the recommendations regarding this very topic, i.e.: being willing to talk about whatever, whenever, as often and repeatedly as I wanted to.

 

Once I got so sick of WS not getting it I did a 180. Not to influence WS. I was really gone from the R in my mind. WS then got it. I did not believe it but WS persuaded me, gradually.

 

WS also began to let me rehash things with no discouragement. I was shocked at how, in a very short time, I stopped needing to rehash things. I stopped even thinking about things, some things that used to obsess me.

 

Not completely. And new problems are always coming up. I'm far from being the poster child of a successful recon. But I can tell you, and your H should know, that his failure to be willing to rehash things with you will drag this out. And it is a strong sign that, in his heart, he does not get it and is not all that sorry except for himself at getting caught. IMHO.

[JustAReformedGirl]

So, as the BS we have every bloody right to be angry right? If I want to rant and scream and shout I will. Do you? My OH still seems to think that as I've had good days and then can start again suddenly recon will never work. He's not prepared to be arguing for 2 years! I don't think we will be arguing for 2 years having the same discussions. He seems to think that because he's answered the questions and/or responded to what I am saying about something it is dealt with and I shouldn't be bringing it up again. He thinks I'm looking for different answers. I'm not (although better ones showing how he did actually consider me would be nice!) but because it is not rested in my mind it's going to keep coming up isn't it? How do you deal with the things that really hurt and for which there aren't good enough answers? Do you keep bringing them up because they pop into your head? Do you dismiss them? HOW?!

 

You have every right to be upset. However, you've committed to reconciling, right? I'd suggest both IC and MC to help you deal with these emotions in a healthy manner. Yes, your H did wrong, and he needs to be understanding of what you're going through.

 

I'm not familiar with your story, but how long did his affair go on for? Was it once, or many times? Just curious, because it sometimes sheds some perspective on the situation. While cheating is cheating, the frequency would paint a more clear picture of your H.

 

At any rate, don't bottle up your emotions. You need to express them. But, since you're working on reconciling, keep in mind that, if your H is truly working toward fixing things with you-and I mean sincerely working things out with you-constantly being raked over the coals is going to be daunting. This is why I suggest both forms of counselling. Yes, he f*cked up, and what you're feeling is perfectly justified-but the counselling will help you both through this.

 

If however, his heart isn't into reconciling, or yours isn't, you might be better off just divorcing. That way, you're not putting each other through further misery.

 

This is your call, Sheba. If you both want to reconcile, it involves work from both of you-he just has to do a lot more of the heavy lifting.

 

Best of luck.

[Confused48]

You have every right to be upset. However, you've committed to reconciling, right? I'd suggest both IC and MC to help you deal with these emotions in a healthy manner. Yes, your H did wrong, and he needs to be understanding of what you're going through.

 

I agree with the above.

 

I'm not familiar with your story, but how long did his affair go on for? Was it once, or many times? Just curious, because it sometimes sheds some perspective on the situation. While cheating is cheating, the frequency would paint a more clear picture of your H.

 

I don't agree that this is really relevant. Like you say, cheating is cheating. And on top of that, every BS is different. Some could not tolerate a single EA or single ONS. Others could tolerate multiple full blown affairs.

 

At any rate, don't bottle up your emotions. You need to express them. But, since you're working on reconciling, keep in mind that, if your H is truly working toward fixing things with you-and I mean sincerely working things out with you-constantly being raked over the coals is going to be daunting.

 

I agree it would be daunting for the WS. However, if the WS recognizes what a gift a second chance is, then he will take the coal raking with great patience and without letting the OP know it is daunting. I have doubts about this WS b/c he is giving her grief about this.

 

 

This is your call, Sheba. If you both want to reconcile, it involves work from both of you-he just has to do a lot more of the heavy lifting.

 

Best of luck.

 

Agreed.

[Queen of Sheba]

You have every right to be upset. However, you've committed to reconciling, right? I'd suggest both IC and MC to help you deal with these emotions in a healthy manner. Yes, your H did wrong, and he needs to be understanding of what you're going through.

 

Yep having both

I'm not familiar with your story, but how long did his affair go on for? Was it once, or many times? Just curious, because it sometimes sheds some perspective on the situation. While cheating is cheating, the frequency would paint a more clear picture of your H.

4 months but the time he spent on it was just ridiculous, particularly when he says most of the time he didn't want to be doing it. He's never done anything he didn't want to do in the the whole of his entire life! So telling me it was unimportant doesn't really compute!

 

At any rate, don't bottle up your emotions. You need to express them. But, since you're working on reconciling, keep in mind that, if your H is truly working toward fixing things with you-and I mean sincerely working things out with you-constantly being raked over the coals is going to be daunting. This is why I suggest both forms of counselling. Yes, he f*cked up, and what you're feeling is perfectly justified-but the counselling will help you both through this.

I understand that it will be daunting for him but after 2.5 months its time he realised what he needed to do, I've told him enough times in many different ways and so has the counsellor.

 

If however, his heart isn't into reconciling, or yours isn't, you might be better off just divorcing. That way, you're not putting each other through further misery.

I think we both want to recon but I don't know how hard he is prepared to try given that he still falls into selfishness and how things affect him first before/if looking at me and my feelings. His heart is there but not sure everything else that is needed is. Sometimes I do sometimes I don't!

 

This is your call, Sheba. If you both want to reconcile, it involves work from both of you-he just has to do a lot more of the heavy lifting.

At the moment it's me but I try to think positively that one day he'll "get it" and actually get it rather than saying he gets it and not following through with actions.

 

Best of luck.

Thank you

[Queen of Sheba]

Seems to me that your husband is still in the defensive/minimizing stage and has not fully embraced the damage his actions have caused-that was a difficult time for me because I remember thinking he did not give a hoot about what this did to me- as he was able to start really understanding what he did, he was much better at being who I needed him to be- he hit rock bottom one right with the guilt/shame/remorse and I knew then we were on our way to healing-as he put it, it took him a while to be able to accept the person he was during the affair, it was hard to see himself for who/what he was and when he did, it was like a ton of bricks fell on him-

It's odd, he's certainly still in that stage possibly coming out of it. When he's not arguing or being defensive he says the right things, but when he is in that minimising it all as unimportant, I should dismiss it etc. I think then - is this because he's struggling or what he really thinks and he still doesn't get it.

[Confused48]

It's odd, he's certainly still in that stage possibly coming out of it. When he's not arguing or being defensive he says the right things, but when he is in that minimising it all as unimportant, I should dismiss it etc. I think then - is this because he's struggling or what he really thinks and he still doesn't get it.

 

This sounds so much like my WS at two months out. I suffered for 6 months or more of this crap. WS waffling. WS Saying WS gets it. WS saying all the right things. WS probably wanting to do the right things but I knew WS heart was not in the right place.

 

Then I bolted. Then WS realized that WS had screwed up with this waffling half hearted recon. WS realized, finally, that WS wanted me really bad. Realized how bad.

 

I think you need to do a 180.