AP tells you "You had a right to know"

[wanting more]

When I gave details of the 3yr A to his BW, it was because I felt she had a right to know. A right to know what a lying POS her husband was. He lied about the length of the A, lied about vacations we took, business trips we took, lied about the amount of times we had sex, lied about the money he spent.

 

I also came on this board and there were many threads I started looking for opinions on what I should do.

 

I probably did say "you have a right to know". It wasn't trying to hurt her more with so many details of the A, it was to let her see with her own eyes how much he was lying to her.

[seren]

It's the, should I just send the transcripts, proof, photos, whatever to the BS, that I don't get. I wonder if the AP truly thinks it through, how having a parcel arrive and opening it, maybe with children around and the BS being floored by the contents, is of any good whatsoever. Yes, contact and ask if the BS wants all the information and then allowing the BS to ask what they want and how they want to recive it. But, in most cases it appears to be done more out of a need to say to the BS that the AP was imortant and I understand that, but not the sudden desire to tell all and pretend it is for the BS to suddenly need to know.

 

I also wonder if the married AP's feel the need to give the same information, given in the same way to their partners, many times the WS of the AP is kept in the dark, which seems a lot like double standards. Practice what you preach I think.

 

As much as the WS compatmentalises, so too do many AP's, how else can someone tell themselves it is OK to do something that can cause such hurt and the, I am not married to the BS so they don't matter - until I (the AP) is hurt or wants to provoke a D Day, is so outside my thought process and what is right, that I will never understand the whole A dynamic.

 

I would urge every AP to let the BS know, at the beginning of the A, forget waiting until the A has ended, do it at the start. If the A is all that and a bag of chips, then the WS will be thankful that they can end the marriage so they and the AP can be together, though I don't hold out much hope of this, it's easier to blame the BS or other excuse for the WS not leaving other than cake eating.

 

If you are going to tell, remember the BS is a person with feelings, dreams and a history with the WS and do it kindly.

[Queen of Sheba]

It's the, should I just send the transcripts, proof, photos, whatever to the BS, that I don't get. I wonder if the AP truly thinks it through, how having a parcel arrive and opening it, maybe with children around and the BS being floored by the contents, is of any good whatsoever. Yes, contact and ask if the BS wants all the information and then allowing the BS to ask what they want and how they want to recive it. But, in most cases it appears to be done more out of a need to say to the BS that the AP was imortant and I understand that, but not the sudden desire to tell all and pretend it is for the BS to suddenly need to know.

 

I also wonder if the married AP's feel the need to give the same information, given in the same way to their partners, many times the WS of the AP is kept in the dark, which seems a lot like double standards. Practice what you preach I think.

 

As much as the WS compatmentalises, so too do many AP's, how else can someone tell themselves it is OK to do something that can cause such hurt and the, I am not married to the BS so they don't matter - until I (the AP) is hurt or wants to provoke a D Day, is so outside my thought process and what is right, that I will never understand the whole A dynamic.

 

I would urge every AP to let the BS know, at the beginning of the A, forget waiting until the A has ended, do it at the start. If the A is all that and a bag of chips, then the WS will be thankful that they can end the marriage so they and the AP can be together, though I don't hold out much hope of this, it's easier to blame the BS or other excuse for the WS not leaving other than cake eating.

 

If you are going to tell, remember the BS is a person with feelings, dreams and a history with the WS and do it kindly.

Spot on!!!

[waterwoman]

I would urge every AP to let the BS know, at the beginning of the A, forget waiting until the A has ended, do it at the start. If the A is all that and a bag of chips, then the WS will be thankful that they can end the marriage so they and the AP can be together, though I don't hold out much hope of this, it's easier to blame the BS or other excuse for the WS not leaving other than cake eating.

 

 

LOL! Wouldn't that be interesting......

[Trimmer]

If a dday were to happen and BS wanted answers from me, I'd gladly give her copies or sit down and scroll through them together IF... WMM turned a 180 and denied the intensity and frequency of our relationship.

 

BS should have the right to see the truth if that were the case.

But only then, hmmm? Not as long as you're still having fun. Only if your MM didn't stand up for the intensity and frequency and wonderfulness of your relationship. She only deserves the truth if he turns out to be a liar.

 

Oh wait...

 

As of present, MM says I'm his true love, we are best friends and this and that, and he's "stuck" in his roommate marriage for various reasons and BS is happy with the roommate situation at present. That could all be true, but if it turned out he was a sociopath and made me out to be an obsessed stalker, I'd want her to know what a heartless ass he is.

Only then would she deserve the truth. Because he's certainly not a heartless ass now.

 

I'm not sure how I would have handled this if my BS didn't do it. Of course I would've made sure she found out. I wouldn't've been nasty about it (unless she didn't believe me?)

Why, because her inability to believe something world-shattering would somehow justify your being nasty to her? How does that tip the scales?

 

...but there's no way he was going to get away scot free.

And there it is... It's to stick the knife in his back, via her. At least you say it right out and don't claim that you're doing it because she 'deserves to know.'

 

As to why they wouldn't say anything earlier, in order to have this A, I had to either not think of OM's GF, or view her as a little less than a real person.

I don't like it, but again, I have to respect your ability to see this and be honest with yourself about it.

[Queen of Sheba]

When I gave details of the 3yr A to his BW, it was because I felt she had a right to know. A right to know what a lying POS her husband was. He lied about the length of the A, lied about vacations we took, business trips we took, lied about the amount of times we had sex, lied about the money he spent.

 

I also came on this board and there were many threads I started looking for opinions on what I should do.

 

I probably did say "you have a right to know". It wasn't trying to hurt her more with so many details of the A, it was to let her see with her own eyes how much he was lying to her.

At what point did you tell her all this though? Right at the beginning when he didn't have a chance to come clean once outed or over time when you saw that he was still ying. As he was for the 3 years of your affair of course.

[So happy together]

When I gave details of the 3yr A to his BW, it was because I felt she had a right to know. A right to know what a lying POS her husband was. He lied about the length of the A, lied about vacations we took, business trips we took, lied about the amount of times we had sex, lied about the money he spent.

 

I also came on this board and there were many threads I started looking for opinions on what I should do.

 

I probably did say "you have a right to know". It wasn't trying to hurt her more with so many details of the A, it was to let her see with her own eyes how much he was lying to her.

 

Am I the only one who thinks this is inappropriate? Don't you think she already knows what a POS she's living with? I mean, really, she lives with the guy! If he chose to lie about anything to her, it is none of your business and you should let them deal with it. Maybe it helped her heal. Maybe he had reasons. But you putting your nose in the middle of their lives after the affair is over is not the right thing to do. This is just my opinion, but I really think it's damaging. They need to work through their own R if they choose to reconcile and you should not be in the middle of it telling them how to do it.

[So happy together]

It's the, should I just send the transcripts, proof, photos, whatever to the BS, that I don't get. I wonder if the AP truly thinks it through, how having a parcel arrive and opening it, maybe with children around and the BS being floored by the contents, is of any good whatsoever. Yes, contact and ask if the BS wants all the information and then allowing the BS to ask what they want and how they want to recive it. But, in most cases it appears to be done more out of a need to say to the BS that the AP was imortant and I understand that, but not the sudden desire to tell all and pretend it is for the BS to suddenly need to know.

 

I also wonder if the married AP's feel the need to give the same information, given in the same way to their partners, many times the WS of the AP is kept in the dark, which seems a lot like double standards. Practice what you preach I think.

 

As much as the WS compatmentalises, so too do many AP's, how else can someone tell themselves it is OK to do something that can cause such hurt and the, I am not married to the BS so they don't matter - until I (the AP) is hurt or wants to provoke a D Day, is so outside my thought process and what is right, that I will never understand the whole A dynamic.

 

I would urge every AP to let the BS know, at the beginning of the A, forget waiting until the A has ended, do it at the start. If the A is all that and a bag of chips, then the WS will be thankful that they can end the marriage so they and the AP can be together, though I don't hold out much hope of this, it's easier to blame the BS or other excuse for the WS not leaving other than cake eating.

 

If you are going to tell, remember the BS is a person with feelings, dreams and a history with the WS and do it kindly.

 

 

Or, if they decide to truly reconcile and try and work on their marriage, don't sleep with him anymore, go NC and, in the words of Ludacris "Move b*tch, get out the way".

 

However, to the WS... don't go back for the wrong reasons and create another dynamic for an affair, so there's that. And then, if someone cheats on you, you should probably just divorce and find someone with whom you are compatible.

Edited July 10, 2013 by So happy together

[underwater2010]

Am I the only one who thinks this is inappropriate? Don't you think she already knows what a POS she's living with? I mean, really, she lives with the guy! If he chose to lie about anything to her, it is none of your business and you should let them deal with it. Maybe it helped her heal. Maybe he had reasons. But you putting your nose in the middle of their lives after the affair is over is not the right thing to do. This is just my opinion, but I really think it's damaging. They need to work through their own R if they choose to reconcile and you should not be in the middle of it telling them how to do it.

Actually she did just what an AP should do. Give each and every detail, although she should have waited until asked (in her case I don't think the BS did). And yes we do know what kind of POS we were living with, but the devil is in the details as they say. How can a BS make a choice to reconcile if they do not have ALL the information.

 

The funny part is that an AP (most of the time) has no problem participating in the lie called an affair. An AP loses the privilege of not being involved the minute they engage in a relationship with a MM/MW.

 

Remind me again why it is okay to stick your nose in the relationship during the affair and not after?

[Summer Breeze]

I think it's quite understandable. Many OPs feel guilt during the affair I guess but not enough to stop doing what they are doing because it feels good and they have hope of more. When the hope is gone that restraint is gone too. And I can quite understand feeling furious and wanting to lash out. Not nice maybe but perfectly human. And when you are in pain it's hard to care about someone else. I personally couldn't give a stuff for the OW's suffering on and just after dday - I imagine she felt the same, We are both very British and restrained so would never indulge in big emotional showdowns or even gratuitous nastiness, but I'd bet we were both thinking of it!!

 

I think you pretty well nailed it. Whether the future a MM promised was fake or real it must hurt like he!! to all of a sudden know it's not there and you've been tossed under the bus. From what I've read in here I think the reactions to the BS aren't about them. They're from the WS that hurt them. I think what they do is absolutely personal to the BS but I don't think the intention and root of the anger has to do with the BS. I think it's all driven by the hurt from the actions of the WS and the realization of the reality of the R/A. I think that once that hurt is hurled at the BS and they might come back at the AP, it turns into somewhat of a battle between the two.

 

I don't see the sense of hurling things back and forth. Get on with it or get over it. But that's just me.

[Spark1111]

I think you pretty well nailed it. Whether the future a MM promised was fake or real it must hurt like he!! to all of a sudden know it's not there and you've been tossed under the bus. From what I've read in here I think the reactions to the BS aren't about them. They're from the WS that hurt them. I think what they do is absolutely personal to the BS but I don't think the intention and root of the anger has to do with the BS. I think it's all driven by the hurt from the actions of the WS and the realization of the reality of the R/A. I think that once that hurt is hurled at the BS and they might come back at the AP, it turns into somewhat of a battle between the two.

 

I don't see the sense of hurling things back and forth. Get on with it or get over it. But that's just me.

 

As is often the BS's reaction to the OW, borne from great pain and often misdirected.

[Coolit]

My affair ended by my confession. I confessed because I wanted to shoot the affair in the foot. As long as it was secret what we did there was a chance of it happening again. The guilt had finally caught up with me and I suffered a mental breakdown. I still don't know who I have become and I hate myself for my horrid decision.

 

What I didn't know was MM was setting me up as an obsessed love sick puppy. You see without my H's knowledge I had engaged in a threesome with MM and his wife. His w decided she didn't want to continue. But there was a lot more goin on between her H and I than she knew/wanted to know. Sexting, chatting, touching and even some kissing. It was mostly words she didn't know about at that point. Then after she ended it, he kissed me like he never had before. And for a weekend we fooled around right under both our spouses noses. We had sex too. It was vile and disgusting. We were drunk on lust and booze but the booze was not to blame. It was chosen to be used to embolden us.

 

I tried to hang on to him after. I didn't want to sober up. I wanted to keep going so I didn't have to face the reality of what i did. But then I couldn't take it and confessed everything to my husband (the only thing H didn't want to hear was details about the sex). Because we were all friends I told MM's W that i had told my H. She became very patronizing to me about how i shouldn't have tried to start a secret affair with her husband. Which confused me but you mist remember I was a wreck at this point and had even attempted suicide once. BW went On about how her H told her everything. Which I took to mean the things I thought were behind her back. Because of this I accidently told her about the te sex behind her back. She got angry realy fast.

 

I went to see MM and yell at him. He was the only person as equel to blame as me. And he lied to my face about events that i was there. He minimized his own actions and even when as far as to suggest that I took advantage of him (which I laughed at because I had only ever had sex or even kissed my H up to him and he had cheated on his W two times that she and I know of). He said he didn't really remember the weekend incident because he was too drunk. All these things I knew were lies because I was there and we had talked about them after. That was when I knew he was lying and had been for a while to his W about me. That I was chasing him. All texts were deleted. So I knew telling her was pointless. I only wished I hadnt let the weekend slip. So as much as she has a right to know, she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to hear what really happened. She wants to believe his lies. That is her choice. So in part I am glad I don't have any evidence because I know I'd give them to her.

 

My motive wouldn't be because "she deseres to know" or to get revenge against him but because when you are full of self loathing and hated by someone who had been a friend you want to at least be hated for the truth not because of lies told about you.

 

Never have an affair.

[HopingAgain]

[/b]

 

 

Or, if they decide to truly reconcile and try and work on their marriage, don't sleep with him anymore, go NC and, in the words of Ludacris "Move b*tch, get out the way".

 

However, to the WS... don't go back for the wrong reasons and create another dynamic for an affair, so there's that. And then, if someone cheats on you, you should probably just divorce and find someone with whom you are compatible.

 

Once again, I agree. I know this is an unpopular thought amongst many BS's, but personally, I don't want to hear any feigned innocence or indignation or even declarations of OW being hurt by my H as an excuse for her to relieve her anger/guilt/sadness/desire for revenge by telling me or hanging on after the affair. Just GO AWAY! lol

[Summer Breeze]

As is often the BS's reaction to the OW, borne from great pain and often misdirected.

 

Completely agree. I'd guess when it starts getting personally aimed at the BS from the OW it's because both forces of anger meet and off it goes.

[compulsivedancer]

Trimmer, the reason for the question is that I'm not sure what I'd do if she didn't believe me. I don't believe I'd be intentionally nasty, but I could see myself getting frustrated quickly if she didn't believe me. That is where the "evidence" comes in. At that point I might have sent her a transcript.

 

I know you all are going to ream me for this, but during the A, I thought of him as MY boyfriend and her as the OW. The OW with all the privileges. SHE gets to see him whenever she wants, SHE gets to go out with him in public, SHE doesn't have to pretend to his parents that she's just a friend, etc. I know this is sick, but that's how I felt. When I started to get jealous, I'd remind myself that I had no rights to him, he wasn't mine; he was hers.

 

Of course, I also thought the whole time that she'd given him permission.

 

Now I dream about her and wake up crying. Whenever my work plays a song by her favorite singer, I think of her. When I order at one of our regular restaurants I remember her order.

 

There is nothing for the AP after the affair. Just feeling hurt and lost. She mistakenly takes it out on the BS. It's either hate you or hate herself, and I'll bet she goes back and forth between the two.

[wanting more]

At what point did you tell her all this though? Right at the beginning when he didn't have a chance to come clean once outed or over time when you saw that he was still ying. As he was for the 3 years of your affair of course.

 

It was probably a little over a month after d-day

[wanting more]

Am I the only one who thinks this is inappropriate? Don't you think she already knows what a POS she's living with? I mean, really, she lives with the guy! If he chose to lie about anything to her, it is none of your business and you should let them deal with it. Maybe it helped her heal. Maybe he had reasons. But you putting your nose in the middle of their lives after the affair is over is not the right thing to do. This is just my opinion, but I really think it's damaging. They need to work through their own R if they choose to reconcile and you should not be in the middle of it telling them how to do it.

 

I stopped talking to him after d-day. She kept calling and emailing and throwing out details (lies) he kept telling her. I didn't start up

Conversations with her. She kept calling and accusing.

[canuckprincess]

I always think this is interesting. When a OW/OM is dumped and they tell the BS it seems "You had a right to know" is common thing to say followed by details. Just curious - if the BS had a right to know, why wait until you are dumped? Also, if BS had right to know why does OW/OM tell BS so many details when a gentle explanation would do if you really cared that the BS had a right to know. Why do it in a here are all the details to hurt you kinda way?!

 

Trouble is, far as I can see so far from this forum the crazy horrible APs aren't on here so won't get real insight into the "You had a right to know but I'm going to be vile while I tell you"?! Anyone got any thoughts on this?

 

As an ow I have no idea why a woman would tell only after the affair ended. Possibly the ow feels scorned and wants someone else to feel their pain. I believe it is the ws who should be telling the bs not the ap. Why on earth should I tell the bs, it's not my responsibility besides in my situation I would have to prove it to her because my word would not be good enough. So yes she has a right to know, but I have no right telling her. This is my opinion only and others may have a completely different outlook. I believe length and intensity of the affair have a lot to do with outcomes.

[Coolit]

There are lots of reasons to tell after. Some good some bad. Guilt that has built up and you finally have to face. Or to correct rumours. I mean if people are talking about you, you at least want it to be the truth. I'd way rather be known as the slutty wife who made a colossal error and had an affair than the be known as the desperate woman who chased a MM until she took advantage of him while he was drunk. Maybe to a hurting bettayed spouse it doesn't make much difference. But to a WS who is suffering heavily from their stupid actions it does. I'd rather be hates for what I actually did.

 

There is also that thing called the affair fog. That excitement over being sneaky. Those tingly feelings when you sneak glances. Amazing sex you want to hold onto. But as a real relationship develops you start to have the negative side effects. I truly believed guilt was a choice and I could just ignore it and have fun. And maybe for some people it is. But I crashed because of it. And i don't recognize the person I have become.

 

So I try to fix what I can't. And the temptation to tell the Wife after the affair comes in as well. So yes, there are many reason to tell after.

[Quiet Storm]

When some OW feel betrayed, they lash out. Many times it includes sending "proof", usually texts, emails, voicemails.

 

I think OW wants BS to see the intensity of the affair. She wants their love to be validated. She wants to say "See, he really did love me", and uses his own words to "prove" that. OW doesn't want to be viewed as a meaningless fling, and thinks the romance in the affair proves the magnitude of their love.

 

What many OW don't count on is that many reconciling BS view the affair the same way that they would view an addiction.

 

When some BS see read the pages & pages of romance & feelings & sex talk, they don't think "OMG, he really did love her". Instead, many BS eventually see it as evidence of his addiction- the denial, the loss of control, the escapism, the lies. Yes, maybe their spouse DID love the OW, but he loved her in the same way that a crackhead loves crack. It's all about the way the drug or the OW or the *insert addiction here* makes him feel. The substances or women or addictive behaviors can be interchangable.

 

They realize that their husband is a broken man- and that this affair wasn't about WS & OW's connection or love- it was about HIM. And they focus on his treatment, and counseling, and accountability- and handle it in the same way they would if their husband's great love was booze or gambling. This is how many BW heal- they realize that it was not personal. It was a manifestation of WS's issues.

 

Imagine a woman who knows that something is "off" with her husband, but he won't admit to anything. He has long unexplained absences. He is secretive with his phone calls. He seems anxious & irritiable around her. He loses his focus on the things he used to love- kids, hobbies, job, etc. She does some digging and notices numerous calls to one number. The calls look obsessive- if the person didn't answer, he'd call it twenty times. She manages to find software that captures deleted texts and sees hundreds of texts that he sent with dollar amounts & odd places to meet. This woman is in a similar situation to a BS, except the object of her husbands affection is not a woman, but a drug. His "high" is a chemical reaction from a substance, and WS gets a similar high from contact with OW. The exact type of drug or the specific OW is inconsequential- what matters is that the WS is accountable for his actions and wants to stop. Many WS & OW do want to stop their affair, but feel powerless to do so, like an addict.

 

I think it is always good to inform the BS, regardless of the motivation. However, OW should not assume that the evidence will be viewed by the BS as proof of their love. An OW that uses the texts & emails as weapons to hurt the BS, or as tools to show the validity of their relationship, is often disappointed.

 

OW- this doesn't mean that your feelings or his feelings weren't real. They were real, just like a drug high is real. But good feelings are not always healthy. Good feelings don't always lead us down the right path. Good feelings are not usually sustainable.

 

For an OW, loving a MM is very risky. For the BS, loving a MM is very risky. The man has issues and wouldn't make a good partner for anyone, but it's the commitment of marriage that often holds strong. That commitment keeps them together through the down times until the good times come again. The affair often becomes a chapter in the book of the marriage- it does not define the marriage.

[ladydesigner]

When some OW feel betrayed, they lash out. Many times it includes sending "proof", usually texts, emails, voicemails.

 

I think OW wants BS to see the intensity of the affair. She wants their love to be validated. She wants to say "See, he really did love me", and uses his own words to "prove" that. OW doesn't want to be viewed as a meaningless fling, and thinks the romance in the affair proves the magnitude of their love.

 

What many OW don't count on is that many reconciling BS view the affair the same way that they would view an addiction.

 

When some BS see read the pages & pages of romance & feelings & sex talk, they don't think "OMG, he really did love her". Instead, many BS eventually see it as evidence of his addiction- the denial, the loss of control, the escapism, the lies. Yes, maybe their spouse DID love the OW, but he loved her in the same way that a crackhead loves crack. It's all about the way the drug or the OW or the *insert addiction here* makes him feel. The substances or women or addictive behaviors can be interchangable.

 

They realize that their husband is a broken man- and that this affair wasn't about WS & OW's connection or love- it was about HIM. And they focus on his treatment, and counseling, and accountability- and handle it in the same way they would if their husband's great love was booze or gambling. This is how many BW heal- they realize that it was not personal. It was a manifestation of WS's issues.

 

Imagine a woman who knows that something is "off" with her husband, but he won't admit to anything. He has long unexplained absences. He is secretive with his phone calls. He seems anxious & irritiable around her. He loses his focus on the things he used to love- kids, hobbies, job, etc. She does some digging and notices numerous calls to one number. The calls look obsessive- if the person didn't answer, he'd call it twenty times. She manages to find software that captures deleted texts and sees hundreds of texts that he sent with dollar amounts & odd places to meet. This woman is in a similar situation to a BS, except the object of her husbands affection is not a woman, but a drug. His "high" is a chemical reaction from a substance, and WS gets a similar high from contact with OW. The exact type of drug or the specific OW is inconsequential- what matters is that the WS is accountable for his actions and wants to stop. Many WS & OW do want to stop their affair, but feel powerless to do so, like an addict.

 

I think it is always good to inform the BS, regardless of the motivation. However, OW should not assume that the evidence will be viewed by the BS as proof of their love. An OW that uses the texts & emails as weapons to hurt the BS, or as tools to show the validity of their relationship, is often disappointed.

 

OW- this doesn't mean that your feelings or his feelings weren't real. They were real, just like a drug high is real. But good feelings are not always healthy. Good feelings don't always lead us down the right path. Good feelings are not usually sustainable.

 

For an OW, loving a MM is very risky. For the BS, loving a MM is very risky. The man has issues and wouldn't make a good partner for anyone, but it's the commitment of marriage that often holds strong. That commitment keeps them together through the down times until the good times come again. The affair often becomes a chapter in the book of the marriage- it does not define the marriage.

 

Quiet Storm your posts are always informative and you always offer so much insight. Thank you for this post as I feel it is spot on