Queen of Sheba Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I always think this is interesting. When a OW/OM is dumped and they tell the BS it seems "You had a right to know" is common thing to say followed by details. Just curious - if the BS had a right to know, why wait until you are dumped? Also, if BS had right to know why does OW/OM tell BS so many details when a gentle explanation would do if you really cared that the BS had a right to know. Why do it in a here are all the details to hurt you kinda way?! Trouble is, far as I can see so far from this forum the crazy horrible APs aren't on here so won't get real insight into the "You had a right to know but I'm going to be vile while I tell you"?! Anyone got any thoughts on this? 3
stillafool Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I too have often wondered if "you have a right to know" where was all of this honesty when the affair started? Why didn't you have a right to know "I'm going to start fh--king your H" back then? Why now? 2
Spark1111 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I always think this is interesting. When a OW/OM is dumped and they tell the BS it seems "You had a right to know" is common thing to say followed by details. Just curious - if the BS had a right to know, why wait until you are dumped? Also, if BS had right to know why does OW/OM tell BS so many details when a gentle explanation would do if you really cared that the BS had a right to know. Why do it in a here are all the details to hurt you kinda way?! Trouble is, far as I can see so far from this forum the crazy horrible APs aren't on here so won't get real insight into the "You had a right to know but I'm going to be vile while I tell you"?! Anyone got any thoughts on this? Well I think it could be one of two things....clearing a guilty conscience AND a bit of spite for having been dumped. She wanted to tell you the truth BUT she wanted that truth to hurt you too. Sour grapes. I think even worse is when they don't return your kind call in a continued effort to protect themselves and your fWS AND the affair feelings. Why? In my sitch, she hoped we'd fall apart and he would return to her finally realizing he could not live without her....sigh.. When she broke NC almost 2 years later to hint at if he would be interested in reigniting the affair, I called her direct line at work and told her assistant if she did not pick up the phone I would be driving over to wait to speak with her IN HER OFFICE. I knew everything by this time, and every detail of her office conversation with him. She was absolutely gobsmacked at what I knew about them. I guess she fantasized he was still pining away for her; still keeping her secrets and had only returned for the kids and the assets, blah, blah, blah 6
underwater2010 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I think I would be grateful to know...but hindsight is 20/20. I would also have loved details from her side too, but that was never coming. She was to busy in the deny, deny, deny mode which you will read about on other sites. The way the apology you described above is why I think that the AP should wait until they are not hurting as bad. Because even if they don't intend to hurt the BS further sometimes their own hurt and anger comes through. 2
krazikat Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 She was absolutely gobsmacked at what I knew about them. I guess she fantasized he was still pining away for her; still keeping her secrets and had only returned for the kids and the assets, blah, blah, blah I can relate to this- for some reason our OW felt like she was the end all, be all when in reality she was just a but player in one of the worst mistakes of my husbands life-whats odd is he was pretty upfront about what it was all about and she willingly took part only to finally realize she wanted more and some how that is all my fault- oh well, I guess the affair fog is real and people get caught up in their own self-importance- This was my experience as well, and when ow realized their relationship was over, she made quite an effort to try and hurt me further. She was shocked by what he had told me, and immediately started lying to me. If I had not seen their texts and heard her vm's, Oat have believed some of what she said, but most of it was completely crazy and made no sense, and she contradicted herself over and over...it was bizarre and sad. But yes, she had believed he would leave me for her, even when he told her he never would. 2
LilGirlandOW Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) I am current OW, I have every text thread MM and I shared saved, like a diary. I started saving them in the begining so I could read them when we're not together and it was nice as we shared alot of great conversation, funny jokes and sweet love yous! If a dday were to happen and BS wanted answers from me, I'd gladly give her copies or sit down and scroll through them together IF... WMM turned a 180 and denied the intensity and frequency of our relationship. BS should have the right to see the truth if that were the case. As of present, MM says I'm his true love, we are best friends and this and that, and he's "stuck" in his roommate marriage for various reasons and BS is happy with the roommate situation at present. That could all be true, but if it turned out he was a sociopath and made me out to be an obsessed stalker, I'd want her to know what a heartless ass he is. But I would never just throw insults at BS, the texts would hurt to read though if the situation is not what he says it is,,,, thats for sure. Would a BS wanna see them? As they would hold the truth authored by MM himself. Edited July 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge 2
underwater2010 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I am current OW, I have every text thread MM and I shared saved, like a diary. I started saving them in the begining so I could read them when we're not together and it was nice as we shared alot of great conversation, funny jokes and sweet love yous! If a dday were to happen and BS wanted answers from me, I'd gladly give her copies or sit down and scroll through them together IF... WMM turned a 180 and denied the intensity and frequency of our relationship. BS should have the right to see the truth if that were the case. As of present, MM says I'm his true love, we are best friends and this and that, and he's "stuck" in his roommate marriage for various reasons and BS is happy with the roommate situation at present. That could all be true, but if it turned out he was a sociopath and made me out to be an obsessed stalker, I'd want her to know what a heartless ass he is. The key point is that she should be the one to ask for the details....not have them thrown in her face. What I cannot understand is the IF you threw in there. Why should she be denied the details if and only if he did not throw you under the bus? Why should the details be given only if he choses to leave you in the dust? And I hate to tell you that he is being a heartless ass by engaging in an affair with you. And you know it. It just isn't directed at you....yet. 4
underwater2010 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 But I would never just throw insults at BS, the texts would hurt to read though if the situation is not what he says it is,,,, thats for sure. Would a BS wanna see them? As they would hold the truth authored by MM himself. Oh yes....a majority of us ask for those details and are denied. And yes they do hurt, but they are necessary for most of us to be able to gather everything, deal with it and the move on. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I always think this is interesting. When a OW/OM is dumped and they tell the BS it seems "You had a right to know" is common thing to say followed by details. Just curious - if the BS had a right to know, why wait until you are dumped? Also, if BS had right to know why does OW/OM tell BS so many details when a gentle explanation would do if you really cared that the BS had a right to know. Why do it in a here are all the details to hurt you kinda way?! Trouble is, far as I can see so far from this forum the crazy horrible APs aren't on here so won't get real insight into the "You had a right to know but I'm going to be vile while I tell you"?! Anyone got any thoughts on this? I've seen some of the ones you refer to; the ones who only inform the BS as a kind of "F you!" to the WS for dumping them. Other times though, it's not so simple. There are APs that, whether they were dumped or did the dumping themselves, are conflicted about it. Some of them have asked on here whether they should tell the BS or not, and how much to tell. You'd be surprised how often other BSs tell them to tell all the details. In that event, it's not the AP being nasty at all; some BSs, based on their own experiences, think it's best to put every last card on the table-including the joker from the deck. Others will advise only telling as much as the BS asks for. I do agree that some APs do it entirely for the wrong reason; some only contemplate doing it out of anger at the WS, but never do (or do so gently) because they don't want to hurt the BS. Anyway, that's my two-cents. Some of them are vindictive and selfish, and others are just mixed up individuals, with the best of intentions. Keep in mind, not all APs are aware of their status; some find out they are the OM/OW, and that makes them angry as well, and thus, wish to inform the BS for the BS's sake, as well. 2
sweet_pea Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I am current OW, I have every text thread MM and I shared saved, like a diary. I started saving them in the begining so I could read them when we're not together and it was nice as we shared alot of great conversation, funny jokes and sweet love yous! If a dday were to happen and BS wanted answers from me, I'd gladly give her copies or sit down and scroll through them together IF... WMM turned a 180 and denied the intensity and frequency of our relationship. BS should have the right to see the truth if that were the case. As of present, MM says I'm his true love, we are best friends and this and that, and he's "stuck" in his roommate marriage for various reasons and BS is happy with the roommate situation at present. That could all be true, but if it turned out he was a sociopath and made me out to be an obsessed stalker, I'd want her to know what a heartless ass he is. Why not give her the proof NOW? That's the thing, unless APs are dumped/the affair is over, the BS doesn't seem to deserve the truth to them 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I'm just guessing here, but I think that hearing "you have a right to know" after the fact from an OW would be infuriating... Simply because of the source. Hearing it from a third party would be totally different. Mortifying, maybe, but a third party would be seen as volunteering information that could get them in a really sticky situation, possibly ruin friendships-it's a bold move. Personally I think BS has every right in the universe to know what is going on, it's absurd that WS is living a secret life and people hesitate to tell. In high school my friends mom contracted HIV from her cheating husband who everyone in town knew was a ladies man. Except her. She was oblivious. She's in her late 60's now. HIV. Not herpes or HPV. Death. She married him after high school. Only man she's ever slept with. An OW saying that could be doing it in a petty, condescending way in order to inflict more pain on BS and jockey for position with AP, or has "seen the light", is truly remorseful and trying to make amends. Most likely a combination of the two, or trying to pretend it is out of remorse when it's really stemming from wanting to keep the drama of the A going in any way possible, maybe. Not wanting to let go. 1
krazikat Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I'm just guessing here, but I think that hearing "you have a right to know" after the fact from an OW would be infuriating... Simply because of the source. Hearing it from a third party would be totally different. Mortifying, maybe, but a third party would be seen as volunteering information that could get them in a really sticky situation, possibly ruin friendships-it's a bold move. Personally I think BS has every right in the universe to know what is going on, it's absurd that WS is living a secret life and people hesitate to tell. In high school my friends mom contracted HIV from her cheating husband who everyone in town knew was a ladies man. Except her. She was oblivious. She's in her late 60's now. HIV. Not herpes or HPV. Death. She married him after high school. Only man she's ever slept with. An OW saying that could be doing it in a petty, condescending way in order to inflict more pain on BS and jockey for position with AP, or has "seen the light", is truly remorseful and trying to make amends. Most likely a combination of the two, or trying to pretend it is out of remorse when it's really stemming from wanting to keep the drama of the A going in any way possible, maybe. Not wanting to let go. Smh. One of my closest friends got HIV from her cheating common law husband. She was completely faithful to him, and he gave her a death sentence in return. It is so sad that these selfish acts can cause more damage than a broken heart.
So happy together Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I never spoke with my bf's wife when we were in the affair, and I would never divulge details of our relationship to her, even if they reconciled. I just wouldn't. 1
HopingAgain Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I never spoke with my bf's wife when we were in the affair, and I would never divulge details of our relationship to her, even if they reconciled. I just wouldn't. I have to say I appreciate your consistency on this. At least you would not be an OW who would keep all secrets during the affair and after it ended, just throw everything at the wife out of spite. 1
HopingAgain Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I think that this would absolutely enrage me and probably bring out my vindictive side (which I don't particularly like and am working on). I said in another thread not long ago, if you cared nothing about having an affair with my husband, don't start thinking about me after it's over in an attempt to hurt him through me. I am so glad that OW didn't do that with me, she had no need to anyway as I already found out myself on Dday. But wow, if she'd tried to rub salt in my wounds it would have been much worse...for her! 2
Spark1111 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I am current OW, I have every text thread MM and I shared saved, like a diary. I started saving them in the begining so I could read them when we're not together and it was nice as we shared alot of great conversation, funny jokes and sweet love yous! If a dday were to happen and BS wanted answers from me, I'd gladly give her copies or sit down and scroll through them together IF... WMM turned a 180 and denied the intensity and frequency of our relationship. BS should have the right to see the truth if that were the case. As of present, MM says I'm his true love, we are best friends and this and that, and he's "stuck" in his roommate marriage for various reasons and BS is happy with the roommate situation at present. That could all be true, but if it turned out he was a sociopath and made me out to be an obsessed stalker, I'd want her to know what a heartless ass he is. But I would never just throw insults at BS, the texts would hurt to read though if the situation is not what he says it is,,,, thats for sure. Would a BS wanna see them? As they would hold the truth authored by MM himself. BS has a right to know the truth of their lives regardless. If MM had another OW on the side, what would you want to know from her? 1
waterwoman Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I think it's quite understandable. Many OPs feel guilt during the affair I guess but not enough to stop doing what they are doing because it feels good and they have hope of more. When the hope is gone that restraint is gone too. And I can quite understand feeling furious and wanting to lash out. Not nice maybe but perfectly human. And when you are in pain it's hard to care about someone else. I personally couldn't give a stuff for the OW's suffering on and just after dday - I imagine she felt the same, We are both very British and restrained so would never indulge in big emotional showdowns or even gratuitous nastiness, but I'd bet we were both thinking of it!! 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Smh. One of my closest friends got HIV from her cheating common law husband. She was completely faithful to him, and he gave her a death sentence in return. It is so sad that these selfish acts can cause more damage than a broken heart. I'm so sorry to hear that. My friends mom and your close friend are two extreme, rare examples but it always baffles me when people know for certain that a friend's spouse is cheating and they say nothing. There's no possible way I could keep my mouth shut. If my friend hated my guts forever for getting in her business, ok. I accept that. I didn't contribute to her possibly contracting HIV by not knowing and not having the choice to make her own decisions based on facts, which I feel is the worse of the two choices in that situation. Unless they are married themselves and just enjoy affairs, why aren't OW/OM super annoyed that the AP doesn't tell the BS very quickly? Don't they want the MM/ MW to leave the marriage and be with them? If the BS has a "right to know" why dont they just tell him or her themselves? I would think they would be pushing for a DDay from day 1. If they are so in love why keep it a secret? Getting a divorce isn't such a big deal these days why drag it out for years and years in secrecy? Isn't that more damaging to kids than a simple divorce and shared custody? Every time I think about this stuff my head hurts. 1
krazikat Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear that. My friends mom and your close friend are two extreme, rare examples but it always baffles me when people know for certain that a friend's spouse is cheating and they say nothing. There's no possible way I could keep my mouth shut. If my friend hated my guts forever for getting in her business, ok. I accept that. I didn't contribute to her possibly contracting HIV by not knowing and not having the choice to make her own decisions based on facts, which I feel is the worse of the two choices in that situation. Unless they are married themselves and just enjoy affairs, why aren't OW/OM super annoyed that the AP doesn't tell the BS very quickly? Don't they want the MM/ MW to leave the marriage and be with them? If the BS has a "right to know" why dont they just tell him or her themselves? I would think they would be pushing for a DDay from day 1. If they are so in love why keep it a secret? Getting a divorce isn't such a big deal these days why drag it out for years and years in secrecy? Isn't that more damaging to kids than a simple divorce and shared custody? Every time I think about this stuff my head hurts. I dont get it either, not at all. Honestly, it baffles me. I truly see it as a sign of weakness, low self worth. They accept these part time relationships and call it love, then cry foul when it ends badly for them. Now, ap that had no idea mm was mm...they get a pass. Those who knowingly enter an A relationship are choosing the path of pain. You see all the justifications they make...sexless marriage, living as roomates, true love, etc. Not one makes a lick of sense to me. Then the ap that keep going back after dday and help gas light the bs...that is the worst. 1
krazikat Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Why not give her the proof NOW? That's the thing, unless APs are dumped/the affair is over, the BS doesn't seem to deserve the truth to them And if he amd his bs are just roomies, and she understands and is fine with that, why the secretive A? 2
Confused48 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Would a BS wanna see them? As they would hold the truth authored by MM himself. Yes a BS would. If not intended to hurt the BS but to give truth. Even if truth hurts. If the intent is right then yes. The OP describes a different intent. An intent to hurt. An attempt to break up the M to benefit the AP. I don't see you ever going that way OW. 1
Confused48 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Unless they are married themselves and just enjoy affairs, why aren't OW/OM super annoyed that the AP doesn't tell the BS very quickly? Don't they want the MM/ MW to leave the marriage and be with them? HappyTogether? J'adore? care to answer? Are you using protection or do you not care about HIV? Worth the risk to you? Think your MM would not cheat on you? 1
HopingAgain Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I don't see the point of the OM/OW sitting on the details of an affair whilst in it, only to spill their guts after the affair comes to light. It's obviously not about the BS 'having a right to know', it's about the OM/OW feeling betrayed themselves by the end of the affair and wanting to exact revenge. They might as well just stay quiet... Exactly! You see that all that all the time on the boards.here "I want him to suffer like I am...so I want to tell his wife". When I see this, I always think what a low life piece of trash! You helped disguise the affair for months or years when you were boinking MM, but now that he dumped you or didnt leave as promised,want to "inform" (hurt) the wife? 1
So happy together Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 HappyTogether? J'adore? care to answer? Are you using protection or do you not care about HIV? Worth the risk to you? Think your MM would not cheat on you? I think my r may be a little different. Ours was an exit affair, he hadn't slept with his wife or anyone else in 12 years. We began as an affair, but are now in an open and happy relationship. I am thoroughly tested every time I go to the girlie dr., and I don't think he would ever cheat on me. In his 28 year marriage, the only affair was ours. Not quite the same. But we are careful nevertheless.
compulsivedancer Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I am very glad that this issue never came up on DDay. Since my H knew OM's GF, he gave OM 2 days to tell her, then called to make sure she knew, and he made sure OM told the whole story. He also e-mailed her a copy of the transcript of our texts that he found (which had some things in it that would be very embarrassing/hurtful to her). I don't think he's talked to her since, so she didn't get any additional details, but she did get the basic outline. I'm not sure how I would have handled this if my BS didn't do it. Of course I would've made sure she found out. I wouldn't've been nasty about it (unless she didn't believe me?), but there's no way he was going to get away scot free. But I certainly had no intention of talking to her in person or by telephone unless she called me for details. However, I'm not sure what I would've done, as I couldn't be sure she'd respond to an e-mail or text. I would've told her everything if asked, but I did not want to have to face her. I feel a lot of guilt and general ickiness when I think of her. Now, part of this is that I thought she had given permission for him to sleep with me and only found out after the fact about it. That said, I am flummoxed that the two of them remain together. By all reports, their relationship has not been good for a few years, and this can't've helped. But that's up to them to figure out. I do wonder if she read that transcript; I'm guessing she didn't. I am SO glad I didn't save any other transcripts. It was one thing to answer all of H's questions. It was a completely COMPLETELY different thing to have him read my betrayal in excruciating detail (he highlighted portions and made me read them aloud to him). He needed the detail, but that level of detail was only hurtful to him and to me. It helped nothing whatsoever. I think I'm rambling, but the point is, not all APs do this, or would want to do this. But it takes someone who's at least a little screwed up to be with a MM/MW, and the feelings are no less strong because of it, so it's not so much of a surprise when they do something crazy. That said, I imagine the crazy ones are the ones that stick out in our minds. I imagine there are plenty who keep their mouths shut and don't say anything. As to why they wouldn't say anything earlier, in order to have this A, I had to either not think of OM's GF, or view her as a little less than a real person. I certainly wasn't thinking of her at the time. And if I had told her, what we had was likely to end. The AP wishes that the WS would end the marriage for him/her. Most APs don't want to be the one ending the M, at least, not until the affair is already exposed. (I did not want to be with OM, so this wasn't an issue for me.)
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