Transcendent Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 My ex-boyfriend of six years started to contact me again after he had fallen out of love with the woman he had initially left me for. I was somehow ecstatic (how is this possible? it has been six years, so why is this feeling suddenly rushing back?), but also felt an immense fear. What could he possibly want from me now? He left me broken-hearted and scarred. I shouldn't trust this man anymore. But instead of listening to my head, I followed my heart and agreed to eat brunch with him. I must be stupid. So darn stupid. It's getting a bit long winded so I should skip to the main story. After the contact, we continued talking everyday. And I mean EVERYDAY. We would talk about everything, from the sciences to life's morales. Our conversation flows very well, and this isn't a surprise to me at all. It just seems so natural. Everything was dandy and platonic for a few months until we suddenly kissed. Which progressed to us having sex. It was so intense during the act, but we both felt so wrong. It's a nostalgic feeling that is strictly forbidden. I suddenly cried immediately after we had sex. All the images of him leaving me for someone else, neglecting me, enjoying sex with her comes flowing in. I haven't cried like this in a while. I had a feeling he was using me just to forget the pains of the failed relationship he had with the other woman, like how he used me as a vehicle before to perfect their relationship... I'm just there as his toy. He can dispose of me any time he may deem fit. I tried to hold in my tears and regain composure, but everything just literally exploded. I appear extremely fragile, he could break me at any moment. He didn't know how to react except lay there next to me, and it's possibly the only thing he could have done at that moment. I have a big trust issue with this man, but I can't possibly stop loving him. I don't know why. It's just there. I just love him. I love him so much it drives me mad. He told me how he misses the feeling of being in love with that woman, but couldn't see himself being with her, so he ended it. This I could not understand. If he didn't see our relationship working before in the first place, and promptly decided to leave, why does he suddenly want me back in his life? If he love her so much, why didn't he try harder? Isn't love about growing together despite hardships? Love just suddenly seems so foreign to me. This makes me question his overall motive. Knowing that I have high trust issues for him due to our unrelenting past, he told me how he's being completely honest with me, and that using me for sex is probably the most counterproductive thing to do. Apparently lying expends too much of his energy/time. He told me how I have to communicate with him more if I want our "friendship" to work. What absolute.. CRAP? Excuse the language, but seriously? What friendship? We literally had crossed that "friendship" threshold after sex. Did I mention we repeatedly had sex over the time span of a few months? I've told him I don't want this kind of relationship at all, but we somehow fall into it. Is this just casual sex? Should I take this lightly? I've asked him these questions and he said that he thinks that's probably the "stupidest ****" he has heard from me in a long time. Just what are we doing to each other..? We have occasional fights, but after the quick banter, we suddenly talk as if everything is fine. But this cycle repeats, and its so exhausting. One minute he tells me how he's "slightly in love", the next, he tells me he doesn't currently see a future with me because of my illogical acts of constantly retreating from him and mistrusting him. Why does he need to tell me that he's in love when we strictly told each other that we should just be friends.. Friends don't have sex with each other. I don't believe in casual sex, "sex buddies", etc. It's a bond for me, and I place great value on it. What we are doing aren't what normal friends do.. He proceeded to tell me how he could not view me as "just a friend" but I immediately disputed with him saying that we failed in the first place for a reason, why should we go on with this cycle? He also said: "You can't seem to get over my past relationship with ___, that is probably the biggest reason why we can't work out. You don't want to make it work. That's why I told you that I want to be your friend - if anything. With how you think of me now, it's very hard for me to believe that we will have a future together, but I don't think I can view you as a normal friend at all." I can't get rid of the past. He told me how people learn from mistakes. It's just hard for me, I know time would eventually stop this crazy thought, but I feel extremely low every time I think of all the bad things he had done to me. We can't possibly fall into that trap again. I'm scared. It's as if we don't know what we want each other, but we need each other. To quote him: "You have plenty of friends, so I would understand that we could possibly stop talking again. I'm trying to make us work, would you give it more effort? Isn't it sad that you're the closest person I've known, yet you're also the person that refuses to communicate with me?" Why is our "friendship" so complicated? There are many instances where I've wanted to stop talking to him completely, but we somehow can't stop.. The cycle seriously repeats. I don't understand him. Should I take his feelings for me as "love" or just purely platonic love that friends places on each other? The minute he told me how he doesn't "currently see a future with me", the more I kept it behind my mind to prevent falling in love even more than before. He seems to dislike mistreating me so he wants me to be absolutely open with what I dislike about him so he "can keep it in mind", but I'm scared of hurting him so I don't tell him, which makes him upset. It's like we're kids. Once he's over his ex-girlfriend, will be leave me? Should I trust that he is over her? It's only been a few months.. How is it possible for someone to fall in love like that and cope so easily? What does he even want from me? What do I even see in this relationship? I don't know what to say anymore. I'm just utterly confused, and it's probably depicted in that crazy mess above^. Maybe I'll just view him as a source of evil that leads me to my demise. HAHA funny thought! This post suddenly seems so incoherent and I'm the one who made it....
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