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Was this a really bad move? Have not heard from him since and wondering what is up.

ziggue

By ziggue
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ziggue Established Member

ziggue

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I confronted a guy I was seeing about checking his dating profile online when we had agreed not to see other people.

 

Apparently he was just cleaning out kisses out of boredom at work. He said he has never seen anyone since we have been out. That he does not lie, did not want any drama after a log day at work and if we don't have trust it won't go anywhere.

 

I said I did not mean to cause drama. I just wanted to see if we were on the same page with things. I then added that I did trust him and apologized for the text.

 

Added another text later on saying that this was all a misunderstanding. That I have enjoyed being with him.

 

He was cool with it. He replied all good. It's better to get things out then bottle it up. understand why you are upset. Then went on about how excited he was about the weekend.

 

I thought things would go back to normal after that. 4 days later have not heard a single word from him. Just wondering what that was all about. Thought things got sorted after that text. He never said it was over or anything.

 

Was it really that bad what I did? Has he gone cold on me? Have not contacted him since as well and vice verser.

StayBeautiful Established Member

StayBeautiful

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How did it go from him still having a profile when you've agreed to be exclusive, to you apologising for asking about it?

 

He doesn't need to log on to "clear out kisses" and this has nothing to do with trust. I don't know in what tone you mentioned it, but you still don't need to apologise for bringing it up.

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WeldedFlower New Member

WeldedFlower

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I confronted a guy I was seeing about checking his dating profile online when we had agreed not to see other people.

 

Apparently he was just cleaning out kisses out of boredom at work. He said he has never seen anyone since we have been out. That he does not lie, did not want any drama after a log day at work and if we don't have trust it won't go anywhere.

 

I said I did not mean to cause drama. I just wanted to see if we were on the same page with things. I then added that I did trust him and apologized for the text.

 

Added another text later on saying that this was all a misunderstanding. That I have enjoyed being with him.

 

He was cool with it. He replied all good. It's better to get things out then bottle it up. understand why you are upset. Then went on about how excited he was about the weekend.

 

I thought things would go back to normal after that. 4 days later have not heard a single word from him. Just wondering what that was all about. Thought things got sorted after that text. He never said it was over or anything.

 

Was it really that bad what I did? Has he gone cold on me? Have not contacted him since as well and vice verser.

 

Cleaning out kisses is peculiar, why not take down the profile all together? But I do think (judging by his defensiveness or maybe he is being rude) that you may have presented the question in the wrong way. I try to follow the rule, its not what you say it's how you say it.

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ziggue Established Member

ziggue

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I don't think he ever deleted his profile. We never mentioned deleting our profiles yet.

 

I mentioned it in what's going on? I thought we were not seeing other people? I never meant for it to come out like that it just came out wrong.

 

He got what I meant though and went on about how he never had and that he understands why I was upset.

 

Plus all the stuff I mentioned up above.

 

Feeling pretty bad about it. Especially now I have not heard from him in 4 days. Not sure what to think. Pretty confused by the whole thing.

 

If he and I agreed not to see other people. Does that mean we are exclusive also?

 

Am I making a big deal about nothing?

StayBeautiful Established Member

StayBeautiful

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No, you're not making a big deal about nothing. His profile should have been deactivated once you'd agreed to not see other people.

 

What you ARE doing is becoming so wound up and self-accusatory that you're going to end up never bringing up your needs again. By going silent on you, he's either trying to teach you a lesson, or he's been made to realise that actually he does want to see other people. Either way, it's a jerk thing to do.

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RebelWithoutACause Established Member

RebelWithoutACause

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and apologized for the text.

 

Never apologize for trying to establish boundaries.

Now he expects you to go back grovelling. Don't do it. If he flips out and ignores you over this and cannot handle it like an adult then he's more drama than he's worth.

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ziggue Established Member

ziggue

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Oh I know he will be expecting that for sure.

 

I ended up deleting his number off my phone so I don't text him if I crack. LoL. Ugh. It is so frustrating and really getting to me as well. I was so upset at work this arvo when I was thinking about it. Beating my self up about it.

 

Just hate this whole thing. Oh I will bring my needs up. If he gets his **** together still. Just have to word it in a much better way. I never did that in my last relationship and it was a very hard lesson learnt. Never want to be taken for granted again.

 

Just don't understand why he would even say everything is fine then go days without saying anything. Another frustrating thing.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Just a question, but how did you discover that he'd checked his profile? Were you checking yours? Or checking up on him? (Sorry, I don't know how these sites work)

 

Either way, as the others said, you don't need to apologize for that. If you were indeed exclusive, you had every right to ask him about it. It may be the way you asked that put him off, but never let someone guilt you into ignoring your own needs.

RebelWithoutACause Established Member

RebelWithoutACause

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Just don't understand why he would even say everything is fine then go days without saying anything.

 

Because he's passive aggressive. And immature.

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ziggue Established Member

ziggue

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Well as far as I know he says that he was not seeing other people. That was not a lie apparently. Even he says I had a right to be upset about the whole thing. His actions show me other wise. Not unless he has been really busy and I am reading to much into it all. Shrugs I don't know.

 

It was the way I went about it. He understands why and stuff.... Just don't understand why I am getting the cold shoulder suddenly. At least tell me it is over if he does not want to see me again but apparently all is good.

 

I was thinking about deleting my profile and logged in. Checked on him out of curiosity and saw that it said he had last been online that say under his photo. Felt like I had been punched in the guts after seeing that.

 

I don't even mind him checking other girls out that walk by and stuff that is a pretty natural guy thing but actively looking at another site... I don't know.

 

Just don't like not knowing with stuff like this.

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ziggue Established Member

ziggue

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The thing that is really bugging me is not knowing why he has not contacted me in 4 days?

PutARingOnIt Established Member

PutARingOnIt

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He probably thinks you were checking up on him. Most guys don't like that.

JourneyLady Established Member

JourneyLady

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He probably thinks you were checking up on him. Most guys don't like that.

 

The ones that don't like being checked on are usually the non or less committed ones that want to have their cake and eat it too, in my opinion and experience. A mature man would recognize that an -exclusive- relationship is worth the occasional question he may have to answer for the first few years.

 

My ex was on lots of dating sites and claimed to "have forgotten" which ones he was on, etc. Five years later, I recognize he was never really committed to the relationship or me, but always on the lookout for something better.

 

It doesn't matter "what guys like". If they love a woman, they will put up with things they "don't like" for the sake of being with her. We have two choices - to not care and shut up about any perceived inadequacies in the relationship (and not get our needs met and put up with things we should not be putting up with) or confront and risk their dismay (and guilt). If they are really into us, they get past it and realize that if we were doing the same things, they would be bothered too.

 

If they are that bothered by losing their independence, then they are not ready for a relationship/partnership/marriage...

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Teufelhunden New Member

Teufelhunden

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If they are that bothered by losing their independence, then they are not ready for a relationship/partnership/marriage...

 

It's not about losing independence, it's about being accused of things when you have done nothing wrong. I had a girl a few months ago that on the second date I found her going through the text messages on my phone. I had nothing to hide at all on there but was extremely annoyed at her actions. Turns out she did stuff like that because she was cheating on her husband with me; she told me she was single, she was gone the instant I found out.

 

To the OP. Did you think maybe he was waiting for you to text? You said he didn't text for four days but that you didn't attempt to contact him either. Maybe he thought you were mad and was waiting for you to get back to him instead of risking making you more mad by contacting quickly after the discussion. By you not texting him at all he may very well just think that you ended things because of the incident and not the other way around. You say you want communication but you didn't discuss any of this with him.

 

Then again maybe he's just a jerk and is ending it, no way to tell. But the fact that you instantly wrote him off and deleted his number makes me think that maybe you jumped to conclusions that weren't there.

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ziggue Established Member

ziggue

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He did end up texting that night in the end and everything was fine. He sounded completely normal.

 

I will put the number back in my phone (had thought he might have been waiting for me to text) and make sure I will make sure I explain things better when something is bothering me again. Hopefully it does not.

 

Should I mention deleting our dating profiles at all? Cause we are after all. Not seeing other people.

forgetmenot75 Established Member

forgetmenot75

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he seems a player for me...

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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The thing that is really bugging me is not knowing why he has not contacted me in 4 days?

 

Have YOU contacted HIM?

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I am cringing at this. You are giving him all the power :(

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Teufelhunden New Member

Teufelhunden

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Should I mention deleting our dating profiles at all? Cause we are after all. Not seeing other people.

 

Yes if you are exclusive and it bothers you then you should talk to him about it. Don't do so accusingly, just calmly discuss how you feel about having an open dating profile and that you think that being in a relationship should mean that he hides or deletes it. Make sure you do the same with yours though.

BeholdtheMan Established Member

BeholdtheMan

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No need to apologise. You just need to set your standards and stand firmly by them. Don't doubt yourself.

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