Lillyfree Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 ...but i'll try my best for this post to not be all-over-the-place. it's mostly venting, but a bit of advice as to how to deal with this would also be helpful... last year i had a (mostly online, ld) EA, which came at a really bad time in my life and M, messed me up beyond words and took months to recover from. i've ended it before it went further - even the emotional part was not sitting well with me, and it's now been 8-9 months. took a lot of reading, thinking, talking to people (LS mostly) to work out what actually happened and why i did what i did. H and i are still not 100% but definitely better than we've been in years. so, i've had this friend that i've known for about 8 years. he's early 30s, has a wife and a gorgeous little boy. he's in a different city, but we'd catch up every now and then - see how we are, talk about the kids, my H, his W - just a quick catch up really. to clear things up straight away: it was NEVER inappropriate. i was the first person he's told they were pregnant. all 4 of us would talk between ourselves. they were going to visit when they come for a holiday. as far as i knew, they were happily married, young family. i couldn't see either of them cheating. yet - a couple of weeks ago he starts messaging me more and more. mostly about his son being sick (nothing serious), then started tiptoeing around things not being ok with him. i immediately assumed he's got depression or similar, said i'd talk to him about it if he needs someone to talk to, but he needs to go and get himself checked out - do physical tests first then go from there... anyhoo. he tells me how talking to me makes him smile. uh-oh. he comments on my instagram pic, saying how great i look (i don't post many selfies fyi, this was part of a photo challenge). etc, you get the idea. i start stepping away, not replying to his messages etc. couple of days later, we talk again... he tells me he feels unappreciated. that he's down a lot. starts with the compliments again...light's flashing and sirens are blaring now. i tell him that he needs to talk to his wife about it. he doesn't know of anything that happened in my M btw... as far as he's concerned H and i are going great, in perfect marriage. i don't know whether to be angry with him... or to feel sorry for him. i just never thought he'd be the sort of person to do this sort of thing, he was always a good guy. not sure how to deal with this. don't want to hurt his feelings, but on the other hand i can definitely say that i've been there once and i see what's going on this time. step by step. and that's another thing. it got to me a little bit. some lines coming from him were so word for word what OM was saying, that if i didn't know better i'd think they were the same person. and that's what i risked my marriage for, that's what i thought was connecting to another person on a level i've never done before. a bunch of cliché, bullsh*t lines. i bet that if i searched them some sort of database will come up where all the nerds can go and c&p cheesy rubbish that will woo chicks. urgh. it's brought back a lot of memories of OM. i was fine, i've gone past the angry stage and just wished him well. i felt free. and now.. i'm a bit bummed tbh. remembered OM's birthday is in a few days, then got angry with myself for remembering :/ if this were just some guy, i'd block him and not think about it twice. but he's a friend, and i'm more disappointed than anything else. and a little worried for him. i know that i haven't given him any cause to act this way, so i'm clear. i have no problem with my H seeing what i've said. i don't think H would be too happy to see what our friend has been saying to me though... sigh thank you for reading. i know it's not a huge problem, i've just been feeling really down last couple of days.
whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Continue to tell him it would be best that he talks to his wife. Be subtle too. Drop hints and then back off. DO NOT make his issues yours or even worry about him. He's looking for attention and you know this is wrong. He's a grown man so honestly, you could just say, I am sorry you're going through so much, sorry I can't help as I have so much going on in my life, my suggestion is seek counseling and do speak to your wife. And DO tell him that how he's flirting and acting with you at times is inappropriate. Him doing that has changed the dynamic and that's not good. 2
Author Lillyfree Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 thanks wwiu i've been trying to be subtle and tactful, turn the conversation towards his wife and son, etc. or just not reply. this has shaken me up quite a bit, and i'm also annoyed with myself that it has. and with him, that he would try and pull something like that with me. ffs. i just wish i'd known last year what i know now. or even better, that i never had to learn about it
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