daddylongleg Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) We were together for nine years. Not only that, but we spent every day of those nine years together. We didn't have our own separate lives. We only had each other. It was that way from day number one. I know that's not healthy and not good for a relationship, but that's the way it was and that's how connected we were. We didn't grow apart. We didn't burn out on each other. Even after we broke up, we went somewhere together and tried to do our own thing, then ended up hanging out by each other, laughing and joking. A few months before we broke up, she was trying to get me to go on vacation with her and she also wanted my name on her bank account. I broke up with her. At least, I initiated it. Basically, I was unhappy with our lifestyle, and she was unable to comprehend how unhappy I was. She was a workaholic, and I wanted to travel. She just kept making decisions without me about how we were going to live, and basically turning any situation in which I expressed my concerns into a petty argument. I didn't realize that that's what was going on until I was out of the relationship though. But, I never wanted to break up with her the person. I didn't know that, though. I thought long and hard about the decision - literally years. But, it got to the point where I just could not be happy suppressing my dreams so that she could work at meaningless jobs 60-80 hours a week. She actually quit her job and is doing exactly what I always wanted to do, now. Anyway, the reason I'm having so much trouble dealing with this is that I am still in love with her, and I don't even want to give it up. I've known this person for 11-12 years, and we were together every day, as best friends for nine years. I've talked with her and shared more with her than any person I've ever known. And, to just give it up because that's what people do nowadays seems absurd to me. She's the best friend I've ever had, the only woman I've ever loved, and the only woman I've ever made love to. What's making it so hard is that I know there were so many things that could have been fixed, and when she was breaking up with me I told her all of them. She didn't care. Also, she didn't seem to be thinking clearly. She didn't seem to care about the truth. I can't accept that I'm losing my best friend and the love of my life for faulty reasoning or temporary feelings. For instance, she said she wanted to be with someone who had aspirations. Then, she goes and does the exact thing I aspired to do. Also, she's obsessed with rock climbing, but I'd say I'm the more dedicated person. I'm also an aspiring singer, and I'm teaching myself guitar. When I told her all this, she said "Yeah, but that's all selfish stuff." Meanwhile, I've been talking about becoming a Big Brother for a while, and she doesn't do anything for anyone. Then, some of her reasons were so childish. She wanted a "deep romance." She enjoyed sex with me, but we never "made love." She NEVER complained about sex, and usually ranted and raved about it. She'd often say stuff like "I was thinking about last night all day today." That's after nine years together. In fact, it always boggled my mind how she could enjoy having sex so much with the same person for so long, as though her enjoyment never diminished. She wasn't one to lie to me in order to make me feel good or anything like that. It was only when she was coming up with reasons for us to be breaking up that she mentioned anything about sex. And, she refused to talk with me about the break up. She just told me that she never wanted to be in a relationship again because we "didn't make a good couple," and that was that. Every time I tried to talk with her she was either too tired to talk or she had somewhere to be or she said that we had already talked about everything, but we hadn't. We hadn't talked about anything. I don't think she had any clue what was really going on in our relationship. She gave our cat away without talking to me about it. I just can't accept that our life together would come to an end without a real discussion, without any attempt at fixing anything. She claimed that we had tried everything, but we had actually tried nothing. When I asked what we had tried, she told me that she had made sure to give me a hug every time she came home from work. Here she is, working 80 hours a week with no weekends, no sick days, no vacation days (save one week a year), bringing work home every day (including her one day off a week), always tired, and incapable of understanding that it isn't normal and that it's ruining our relationship, and she thinks hugging me when she gets home is "trying everything." She also did all kinds of crazy hurtful **** without ever really understanding how hurtful it was or ever really apologizing without adding some excuse, or saying she had changed since then. It's all detailed in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/400041-my-first-relationship-came-end-after-9-years Anyway, I'm venting. And, the more I do, the more I don't want anything but her. I practice singing every day. I go climbing often. I practice guitar. I read. I work on the van that I'm turning into a camper. I don't care about any of it. It feels like a nightmare. Edited July 9, 2013 by daddylongleg
ladyjaie7 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I'm sorry you're going through this, you were together for a long time and it takes longer to get over it sometimes. Closure may help but at this point if she doesnt want to talk about it, think of it as you don't need anyone that doesnt need you. She is probably really upset too but shes trying to be strong. If you really want to be with her you have to know there are going to have to be alot of changes on your part. The deeper connection and making love thing is an emotional bond that alot of girls look for but aren't quite sure what it is and men have no clue sometimes on how to show it the way girls are receptive to. You will get over this because all we have is time. Try to keep yourself busy or if you really want her back tell her but really tell her but if you don't - then you have to move on.
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