Simon Phoenix Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I apologize I went off on a tangent. I don't think NC is always the answer. I think it depends on the situation. I thought your comment about it doesn't matter how long the relationship was matters when it's over was kind of shortsighted. You can't compare a 6mo relationship to a 20yr one, that's ludicrous. Meh, when they are over they are both at zero. Now I agree that prior to the break the longer the relationship, the more two people should try to communicate and work on it before pulling the plug on it, but once it's over it's over. If there are no loose ends (for lack of a better term), like children, I really don't see why the length of the broken relationship matters as far as NC is concerned once the relationship is gone. I'm not one of those people who believes in NC forever. But I think it's necessary in the immediate aftermath, be it a relationship of six months or six years. By the time NC is implemented, both relationships are of equal length. You can disagree all you want, your opinion is your opinion. The insults are unnecessary though -- we're all on the same team ultimately.
marqueemoon4 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 We can agree to disagree. I don't see any insults in anything I said.
marqueemoon4 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) Yup. I am bitter about certain things. I'm glad it comes across because that's what I was trying for. I disagree with you bout nc always being the answer. And if someone is bitter about legit things that means they don't know about relationships? Really? Might be time for a 101 critical thinking class. Peace out. Edited July 9, 2013 by marqueemoon4
itto ogami Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Funny, I was just about to post a "4 Months NC Summation" - and all I can say is... NO CONTACT WORKS. I received a long heartfelt message from the ex the other day (after many unanswered breadcrumbs), apologizing for the first time and even repeatedly telling me "I love you" and that she regrets not telling me that when we were together -- tho i knew she was trying to. She also said I would always be inspiring to her and how grateful she was for our time together -- for her this message was sweet and mature altho melodramatic. And what brought her to writing this lengthy missive (despite the fact I find Facebook messages cowardly and she still doesn't get that) is that I HAVE NOT RESPONDED TO HER AT ALL in four months. By not engaging, not giving her a chance to write me off as clinging or pathetic or the Beta I had become, she felt that "scarcity" people covet. And she's entitled so not getting a response irked her ego. Not everybody will need or want to keep reaching out, but in this case, she feels she needs closure FROM ME. She respects me again. I couldn't feel more Alpha than the previous very difficult months. And I did not respond to this last message, tho I was tempted since I knew she was being as real as she's can at this point. NC isn't the only answer, but it's the BEST under certain circumstances. My friends who have been helping me through this period have been literally amazed at how effective NC has been since I pointed out what i was doing. And today I ended up seeing her and engaging briefly for the first time in over 4 months. But that's another post....NC works for what you need it to work for. 4
Talulah Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Funny, I was just about to post a "4 Months NC Summation" - and all I can say is... NO CONTACT WORKS. I received a long heartfelt message from the ex the other day (after many unanswered breadcrumbs), apologizing for the first time and even repeatedly telling me "I love you" and that she regrets not telling me that when we were together -- tho i knew she was trying to. She also said I would always be inspiring to her and how grateful she was for our time together -- for her this message was sweet and mature altho melodramatic. And what brought her to writing this lengthy missive (despite the fact I find Facebook messages cowardly and she still doesn't get that) is that I HAVE NOT RESPONDED TO HER AT ALL in four months. By not engaging, not giving her a chance to write me off as clinging or pathetic or the Beta I had become, she felt that "scarcity" people covet. And she's entitled so not getting a response irked her ego. Not everybody will need or want to keep reaching out, but in this case, she feels she needs closure FROM ME. She respects me again. I couldn't feel more Alpha than the previous very difficult months. And I did not respond to this last message, tho I was tempted since I knew she was being as real as she's can at this point. NC isn't the only answer, but it's the BEST under certain circumstances. My friends who have been helping me through this period have been literally amazed at how effective NC has been since I pointed out what i was doing. And today I ended up seeing her and engaging briefly for the first time in over 4 months. But that's another post....NC works for what you need it to work for. This is so true, I think that one person in the relationship ends up being reduced to tears and loses their self-esteem. Then, the other person wants them back to that level. 1
Trimmer Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I apologize I went off on a tangent. I don't think NC is always the answer. I think it depends on the situation. I thought your comment about it doesn't matter how long the relationship was matters when it's over was kind of shortsighted. You can't compare a 6mo relationship to a 20yr one, that's ludicrous. As far as importance in ones life, the psychological fallout afterwards.. etc etc NC isn't a requirement. It's not a rule. It's not a law. It's a piece of advice. Consider it accordingly. If keeping some level of contact works for you, and helps you achieve your goals, then obviously keep doing it. I'm not going to suggest you argue with success. And if you've never been through the hell on earth that is dealing with a selfish, ****ed up ex wife who has custody of your child, you probably shouldn't be commenting on it. Stick to what you know. Your situation sucks, and you probably think you're the only one who has it that bad. But that doesn't make you the only one entitled to give your opinion. And you're certainly encouraged to give your opinion, and I'd be glad to agree with you that NC isn't always the answer in every single case (including mine: with kids.) And it might be enlightening to engage with you in a reasonable discussion of things like whether - other things being equal - the length of a relationship makes a difference. But you are being combative and bitter, and I suppose you're entitled to that too, but to me that's no fun, so I'm not going to reward you with positive engagement. As a matter of fact, I think once we break up after this post, I'm going to go NC. In this particular case, I think that would be the best way for me to move on. I just find it humorous when people who don't know what they're talking about shoot their mouths off on message boards. But that's your prerogative. Almost as humorous as someone who bemoans the prevalence of a "ME ME ME ME" attitude, yet manages to enter someone else's thread and dominate the discussion, making it all about himself. Now that is funny. 5
TaraMaiden Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I apologize I went off on a tangent. I don't think NC is always the answer. I think it depends on the situation. I thought your comment about it doesn't matter how long the relationship was matters when it's over was kind of shortsighted. You can't compare a 6mo relationship to a 20yr one, that's ludicrous. As far as importance in ones life, the psychological fallout afterwards.. etc etc And if you've never been through the hell on earth that is dealing with a selfish, ****ed up ex wife who has custody of your child, you probably shouldn't be commenting on it. Stick to what you know. No Contact IS the answer. I emerged from a 26-year marriage, 2 kids. Due to geographical logistics, he got custody. NC worked perfectly for us. I think you need to swallow your bitter-pill, schytt it out and change your perspective. You're not the first to come out of a LTR, and you won't be the last. While every situation is unique, you don't hold the monopoly on that, so chill, okay? 3
BigTuna Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 No Contact gave me my dignity back. It shows that your world doesn't revolve around your ex partner, and shows a helluva lot of strength and restraint. Maybe their traits I didn't display too often in my old relationship, who knows? I just know that you've got to live your life, and you can't do that with someone that dumped you. I certainly ain't gonna pine for anyone that did that. 5
Pisces13 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Ah.....I remember that feeling. Trust me smileyz, it's for the better. There is a reason why a large majority on here say NC is the way to go, you just dont see it yet. Me to, and oh how majorly wrong I was...
iouaname Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I don't know -- it's weird because very few of my friends were no contact with their exes after breakups, and all of them moved on. I think no contact mostly helps speed things up and saves you dignity during a turbulent emotional time.
mbee Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I think NC overall is a great piece of advice! But just like someone else said it's not the rule and every situation is different. I know when things ended with my ex, going NC was next to impossible and I did not regret breaking it. He left me for a married woman and did a ton of disrespectful things since we broke up (starting rumors about me, lying, the list goes on). The conversation was more about why he was doing these things after we broke up. If I had went NC, I would have constantly been on forums asking you guys why this was happening haha. Well he never really gave a solid answer but he showed a ton of guilt and even went crazy (showing up at my job, begging me to see him, etc.). However the second month is when NC needed to go down. I'd go 6 days without speaking to him and he'd reach out to me. I'd respond and I'd be upset and angry with him and he'd get defensive. It got so toxic and he said something that was so disrespectful that I chose to not respond and haven't responded since. I knew if I responded I'd only humiliate myself. Yet, if I had gone NC during that first month a lot of things would be on my mind that aren't now but again these were relating to actions after we broke up. We still have not had a discussion on why he chose to cheat on me and the issues in our relationship because at this point that would assuage his guilt and it doesn't matter. Also, I'm a very romantic person. Any person I've ever loved KNOWS IT without a doubt. I need to say something sweet and that summarizes the love I felt for that person. Other people need to do that too. If it helps you then do it but don't do it more than once or as an attempt to make someone want you back. Do it for you and to show the other person you care. That's it. Other than that I think NC is a way to go. LC works for some people of course and is maybe more appropriate for relationships that didn't reach the "I love you" stage.
Talulah Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Ok, so NC does work, last night my ex Skyped me from his vacation spot and had so much to tell me! he told me he e-mailed me a couple of days ago and sure enough his letter went to my spam folder. He also told me that he is going to send me a scarf that he bought me. SO happy ayayaya!
flitzanu Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I think NC overall is a great piece of advice! But just like someone else said it's not the rule and every situation is different. I know when things ended with my ex, going NC was next to impossible and I did not regret breaking it. He left me for a married woman and did a ton of disrespectful things since we broke up (starting rumors about me, lying, the list goes on). The conversation was more about why he was doing these things after we broke up. If I had went NC, I would have constantly been on forums asking you guys why this was happening haha. Well he never really gave a solid answer but he showed a ton of guilt and even went crazy (showing up at my job, begging me to see him, etc.). However the second month is when NC needed to go down. I'd go 6 days without speaking to him and he'd reach out to me. I'd respond and I'd be upset and angry with him and he'd get defensive. It got so toxic and he said something that was so disrespectful that I chose to not respond and haven't responded since. I knew if I responded I'd only humiliate myself. Yet, if I had gone NC during that first month a lot of things would be on my mind that aren't now but again these were relating to actions after we broke up. We still have not had a discussion on why he chose to cheat on me and the issues in our relationship because at this point that would assuage his guilt and it doesn't matter. Also, I'm a very romantic person. Any person I've ever loved KNOWS IT without a doubt. I need to say something sweet and that summarizes the love I felt for that person. Other people need to do that too. If it helps you then do it but don't do it more than once or as an attempt to make someone want you back. Do it for you and to show the other person you care. That's it. Other than that I think NC is a way to go. LC works for some people of course and is maybe more appropriate for relationships that didn't reach the "I love you" stage. and speaking to him helped you how? you just said he never gave you an answer about any of it. you'd have the exact same outcome from not speaking.
flitzanu Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Ok, so NC does work, last night my ex Skyped me from his vacation spot and had so much to tell me! he told me he e-mailed me a couple of days ago and sure enough his letter went to my spam folder. He also told me that he is going to send me a scarf that he bought me. SO happy ayayaya! so youre "using" nc to manipulate your ex into contacting you? that's not at all what NC even is.
Trimmer Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Ok, so NC does work, last night my ex Skyped me from his vacation spot and had so much to tell me! he told me he e-mailed me a couple of days ago and sure enough his letter went to my spam folder. He also told me that he is going to send me a scarf that he bought me. SO happy ayayaya! It sounds like you're in "C", not "NC"... That's the other one. 1
Talulah Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 How am I manipulating anything? I'm not using it for him to to contact me, he contacted me. I knew that he'd be away a few days after he left because of traveling. Strangely enough it made my healing process much easier because I know that he thinks about me. It's making moving on much easier.
Echo000 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 How am I manipulating anything? I'm not using it for him to to contact me, he contacted me. I knew that he'd be away a few days after he left because of traveling. Strangely enough it made my healing process much easier because I know that he thinks about me. It's making moving on much easier. hate to burst your bubble, but almost any form of contact will only make it harder to move on. You are riding a high..a sense of "yes they want me i can do it without them!"....That fades. Sadly, it does. 1
Talulah Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 hate to burst your bubble, but almost any form of contact will only make it harder to move on. You are riding a high..a sense of "yes they want me i can do it without them!"....That fades. Sadly, it does. Arrgghhh..I would do that under normal circumstances but I will be leaving the country and going on vacation and then on an intensive course after that. We're bound to lose touch. But then I guess it might be harder if we stay in touch. It's just hard because we were really close, but on LS who hasn't been close to their significant other, right? I just don't want to cut him off. I still care a lot and I know that he does too.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Arrgghhh..I would do that under normal circumstances but I will be leaving the country and going on vacation and then on an intensive course after that. We're bound to lose touch. But then I guess it might be harder if we stay in touch. It's just hard because we were really close, but on LS who hasn't been close to their significant other, right? I just don't want to cut him off. I still care a lot and I know that he does too. He doesn't care enough to stay with you, which is all that matters. 4
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 He doesn't care enough to stay with you, which is all that matters. Sounds harsh, but Simon is QFT. 100% right. 1
Echo000 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 if you love him and want to be with him, any form of contact will leave you in pain. Because it will be a reminder of what you can NEVER have again, what was but now is not. Thats too painful. I just told my ex this past Tuesday that i can not speak to her again, she is moving away for good and there is no hope. While she wants to stay in contact at least occasionally, its not okay with me and would only hurt. You need to realize the same thing- short term high will be massively overwhelmed by long term withdrawals after each contact. Fu**in sucks.. because your right. Everyone here clearly was SUPER CLOSE to their exes, otherwise we wouldnt care enough to write about relationships that dont even exist anymore.
BC1980 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 You are happy now because you got a reaction out of him by not contacting him. So he got curious. What are you going to do when he isn't curious anymore? What are you going to do when you are the one who is curious because he hasn't contacted you? I can guarantee you this is what will happen.
BC1980 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 You need to realize the same thing- short term high will be massively overwhelmed by long term withdrawals after each contact This advice times a billion. It's like you just got a hit, but, when it wears off, you'll be the one with anxiety, wondering when you will get your next hit. People here are really just trying to warn you because they have done the same thing as you are doing.
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