violetsareviolet Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 good evening all... I know it's a long read...I put my best foot forward in punctuation and punching the return key enough times. Just wondering if anyone had some insights for a newly invigorated man and some questions he has? after passing over the 30 year threshold of life, the inevitable "what does it all mean? why am I still not happy? why do I feel alone?" set in and invaded any and all thought process that was jogging around upstairs. I felt like the time was right to do a self-inventory and dive right in…but I had no idea what an exhausting journey it would inevitably be. First thing I became most conscious of was probably what I consider to be my greatest strength and ultimately my biggest flaw: passion. I am a hybrid shy/explosive Sagittarius, both Mercury and Sun land in the birth sign…the result is a very active mind, and when unharnessed, it will run around like a chicken sans head…wielding fire and chainsaws. It's f'ing scary. It's an unbridled obsessive/compulsive behavior that was seriously tearing the threads of my life apart. I would tap into this passion for just about every work project, assisting me in completing what seemed impossible. Sometimes however, I would become so focused that inevitable burn-out would occur…and I'd have to pass on the project or change it completely. My duties often entails a need to pick out flaws in a product or system, and make notes on how to fix it efficiently and quickly …troubleshooting, basically. Years of practice has granted me a skill to be very precise in noticing said flaws in the non-living, but this of course carried over into my personal relationships with humans. The immature self would this same passion, not in a creepy stalker way, just very bold steps or moves in short amounts of time. The woman might be perceptive or deny, and I would move forward accordingly…then at the first inkling of boredom or disagreement, my mind would materialize innumerable excuses as to why I should break up with her instead of working the issues out. And of course, being a slave to the immature self, I would do so thinking it was the best idea ever and still believing THE ONE was out there somewhere and it was my job to find her. the stubbornness of the Sagittarian sign would then point the finger directly at modern society's ideals regarding relationships and dating…after so many bad relationships, I figured I'd had to leave the country to find someone special…blaming it on "western women." Surely, there are many things that irk me about how the majority of women act in the US, due to the incessant pressure of media, advertisements blah blah…dead horse. I stubbornly realized that I can't blame my failures based on a majority of anything besides my own actions (duh). I am, as are you, a unique person…and we all have the power to make our own decisions; for better or worse. After all said and done, I have left a wake of very toxic relationships and friendships from the past 10 years or so. The last relationship that lasted longer than a year was back in 2002…nothing else really made it past 6 months or so. Making amends with some of the exes has been very interesting…some have appreciated, some won't call back, some thanked me…this is expected. Anyway…now that I've reached the other side, I can honestly say I don't even recognize the person I once was last year, let alone 5 or 10 years ago (thankfully!) I feel extremely blessed that I had the courage to see this journey inwards through…it was the most humbling, frustrating and liberating experience in my life thus far. So where am I now? I can honestly say my immature obsessive/compulsive behavior has been reigned in and stabled successfully, and replaced with a calmness I haven't felt since I can ever remember. I'm not sure it ever existed. As much deep and essential knowledge I have gained about who I am as a person, my new goals, taking courageous action instead of deflecting etc…I can't help but feel very numb towards relationships with women now; almost like I have gone back to zero knowledge or experience. The fiery, unstable passion that was shredding my romance and psyche is gone…but replaced with a void. It's very unsettling to me…especially right now. The universe presented me a true test that arrived last week in what better form…a lovely female! She is no stranger, nor is she an ex. The last time we spoke was over a year ago. We met at a design conference where I was volunteering…I pried about her dating status, full well knowing she was casually dating this douche I knew through a mutual friend. The immature self wanted to SAVE HER from this disaster of a guy she was dating, all the while I was a disastrous one myself. She was honest and told me she was casually dating him, and I feigned having a care in the world, when in reality it was truly pissing me off I had to contend with him in the first place. We snuck beers into a theatre and saw a fun movie together…the week after we went to meet up a group of friends at a DJ show/ pool party. The friends ended up leaving before we even got there, so we inadvertently spent the night dancing and such together…then went home. Usually this type of situation would have ended with naked bodies writhing about in bed…but not this time. We kissed passionately for a long time then I drove her home. A week or two passed, I got caught up with work, her bf came back in town and heard from a friend that I was courting her…so he apologized for not being dedicated and they patched things up. I can't even begin to describe how angry I was. That was the last time we spoke. Surely when we first met, I was attracted to her physically, thought her to be interesting with conversation, interesting…that's about where the feelings stopped. I was more into how obsessed the immature self with getting what he wanted…and he wanted to ruin their relationship because he was jealous. The immature self tried many times to sway her into choosing me instead of the guy she was on the rocks with. After not getting my way, I gave her a childish ultimatum and ended up walking away from it all and stopped talking to her completely. Anyway, last week...for whatever reason, her face ran across my mind…I got her phone number out, sent a simple hello text. She was genuinely happy to hear from me and wanted to meet so we could catch up. We did so for an hour or so, had a great time and that was that. Then the other day, she gets in touch out of the blue to ask me motorcycle questions…I helped her out with what I knew, and at the end asked me to go out for a drink that night. Without the immature ego driving my decisions anymore,, I can't see if this was her being thankful for my help or…I don't even know what. - One half of me wants to just let this go and be cordial to just remain the 'friends' that don't even talk that much. This is the easy route, as that's how things have been for the last year and I can keep myself busy enough to not think of this another moment. - The other half of the renewed self is poking me with an unfamiliar stick. "HEY. HEY. Look what's going on here…and what I've given you. Don't be an idiot"…and the voice quietly trails off. Normally the O/C immature self would have been adamantly impaling me with spears and arrows, and I'd be plotting ways to shower and win her affection… so it's very confusing. This voice is unfaltering and has zero desperation in its breath…a very calming voice. It scares me. She really does embody everything I would want in a fulfilling relationship…she is honest, very talented, very fun to be around, great sense of humor, not to mention the amount of interests we have in common. At first, I told my new self that this was just a mirage…don't waste your time, as there are literally millions of other options out there. However hard I try, I cannot deny the universe in its mysterious ways. Many new amazing opportunities with work have literally materialised out of thin air this past month, as well as this new found personal calmness and tranquility found after months of hard work on the journey inwards. Is this a happenstance with her another great gift or am I regressing into previous behaviour? I don't feel it's the latter, but I really want to assert my new self and ask her out as the man I've become. Are we to sit here idly and wait for…nothing? In closing, I'm not even sure what answer I'm looking for if anything…it just felt like a good exercise to write it all down. If anyone wants to chime in with 2¢, i'd really be interested in hearing an outsider's perspective and insights.
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