stormymonday Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I have been with my current girlfriend for actually 3 months today. When we first started dating, I was living 50 miles away, and before the first month was out I found an apartment ironically in the next building to her. We work at the same place and it is very close to our work, which was my main goal. I am a state worker, don't make a big salary, and this apartment was what I could afford so I decided to go for it. Originally we planned to have our apart time, and take turns staying with one another at night during the week. This hasn't panned out for whatever reason. I think she has stayed at my apartment (which we now call the shed since I never stay there) 4 times. I just ended up staying here all the time, and have pretty much moved in. Initially I brought up getting our own place about a month ago, she didn't bite at all. I thought maybe this was a bit soon, so I dropped it and didn't mention it again. Recently I subtly brought it up, she responded a little differently this time. Time to time she will say things like "When we move", or "When we have our own place I want to do this", but when I take it a little further, she seems to go back into "I'm not ready". Just today I was installing a paper towel holder in the kitchen, she says to me "I guess we will have to leave that here whenever we move". I raised my eyebrows and sarcastically said "What was that babe?". She smiled shyly and said back "I didn't say a thing baby." It's confusing as hell sometimes. Granted it's only been 3 months but we have been talking as friends for much longer. I understand that this is her first time having her own space to call her own, and that she is probably scared of it hurting the relationship or losing her freedom. I've tried explaining to her that I felt the same way the first time I ever lived with someone, it's downright frightening. However, once you get past the initial scare and give it a week or two, it's not at all as bad as you thought it would be. I have also broken it down for her from a fiscal standpoint as well. It would be so much easier on both of us financially, we would have more room, an extra bedroom would serve as a sort of "quiet space" when either of us want to be alone, or if we were in a disagreement, I would have a bed instead of the good old couch, and as silly as this sounds, our own place to do laundry! Our buildings do not have hook ups, so we have to take our wash to her friend's house, which gets annoying. Given that no situation will ever be ideal or be exactly what we want, it can certainly have more benefits than shortcomings. You won't have this, but you will have that, which is an improvement. Tit for tat. While I completely understand her concerns of living together at this point, it still doesn't make it any easier on my wanting to take our relationship to that next level. I've always heard that men develop emotionally a lot quicker than women do, this is starting to make more and more sense as each day passes. At any rate, I've rambled on enough. Just looking for some insight from a woman's point of view who has been in a similar situation. Thanks for reading and look forward to seeing what everyone has to say.
Phantom888 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Don't do it man! As much as I am a supporter of being in LOVE and commitment, moving in together after 3 months is waaaaaaaay too soon! It's worth the extra money to live apart because you still have your own space in case something were to happen. Also, what's the rush? Living together is almost like being married! Are you ready for that or you haven't really considered it? You guys will get on each others' nerves quickly if you move together so early on. Take your time man!!! Seriously I have had a number of women wanting to move in with me, and I just refuse! 3
CarrieT Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I've always heard that men develop emotionally a lot quicker than women do, this is starting to make more and more sense as each day passes. From a woman's point of view, this is bullsh*t. That said, three months is WAY TOO SOON to consider living together (and this is coming from someone who moved in with someone after six weeks - so I know better!) Just don't do it. Trust us... 4
Author stormymonday Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 There's no rush, I've even added "in the next couple of month's" to sort of lessen the impact. I think ahead, usually 6 months down the road. There's no way it would be tomorrow or even next week or the week after. The thing is, we don't live apart. I've tried staying over at my apartment, I toss and turn, toss and turn, and it just doesn't feel right. Then I will wander over here, lay down with her, and be out like a light. It's not that I'm wanting to immediately seal the commitment or anything, it just seems stupid to keep paying for basically a storage shed, that we both have agreed I'm never going to stay in. We both live on state salaries in an expensive area of the state, so it would lessen the blow on both of us.
Author stormymonday Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Not really looking for reasons why we shouldn't. I'm looking for insight as to why my girlfriend will sometimes say things like "whenever we move" and then sometimes be totally opposed to it. I've had roomies, lived with a couple girlfriends, so it's never been a big deal for me to share a space with someone.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Hey, me and my man moved in together pretty much after day one. Officially after 4 months (that was when my lease ended and I was added to his.) It's been amazing. I don't regret it at all. I love all our time together. I'd say wait until she brings it up on her own, then when you feel comfortable ask her WHEN.
veggirl Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Your gf likes the general idea of it someday but the way you talk about it makes it too soon and too much for her. I mean she has said she doesn't want to yet, I'd drop it. She likes the idea of it eventually but not now and when she says stuff like "when we have our place" she prob then cringes because she thinks you will think it means next week or whatever. 2
clia Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Not really looking for reasons why we shouldn't. I'm looking for insight as to why my girlfriend will sometimes say things like "whenever we move" and then sometimes be totally opposed to it. I've had roomies, lived with a couple girlfriends, so it's never been a big deal for me to share a space with someone. Because she's talking about the far off future, not right now, not two months from now. That's standard future talk.
Author stormymonday Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I guess it's different for everyone. Everything happened really fast with us, and it scared the crap out of us both. Neither one of us had been single hardly a month when we started dating. We were talking one day, I said something about "If we get together" and she said "I think we already are", and the rest is history. We have had our share share of arguments, disagreements, insecurities, and pissing matches, but it's rare. But you know, I've seen a lot of relationships where neither person ever argued, and to me if you don't argue, you don't care.
veggirl Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I guess it's different for everyone. Everything happened really fast with us, and it scared the crap out of us both. Neither one of us had been single hardly a month when we started dating. We were talking one day, I said something about "If we get together" and she said "I think we already are", and the rest is history. We have had our share share of arguments, disagreements, insecurities, and pissing matches, but it's rare. But you know, I've seen a lot of relationships where neither person ever argued, and to me if you don't argue, you don't care. Really? In only 3 months you have had your share of arguments and pissing matches but it's "rare"? So how many in 3 months? Yeah dude don't move in together. You're both on the rebound/co-dependent. Maybe she realizes that. Can you explain how arguing = caring? Communicating is not arguing, if that's what you're getting at. I don't think "pissing matches" are indicative of CARING lol wtf. 4
Author stormymonday Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 When I say our share, I mean 2 or 3, that's a lot for me. I'm not an argumentative person. Everything works though, we talk if we have a problem, if we get mad about something, we get mad and get over it. Everyone wants to attach a timeline to everything like it's set in stone somewhere that a relationship has to have been so long before this or that can happen. Why can't things be spontaneous and just happen?
Author stormymonday Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 You may see arguing as yelling and screaming, to me it's disagreeing on something. Two people aren't going to get a long all the time, everyday. We've had a few disagreements, so what?
shexy Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I moved in with my former bf after 6 months of dating....we are now broken up. 3 months is too fast. 2
sdraw108 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) Not really looking for reasons why we shouldn't. I'm looking for insight as to why my girlfriend will sometimes say things like "whenever we move" and then sometimes be totally opposed to it. Maybe because she IS considering the reasons why you shouldn't? At the risk of making this thread sound repetitive - 3 months is too soon. Sure, it *might* work out, but why risk it if you have a good thing going? I've always regretted the times I moved in with someone too soon. Edited July 9, 2013 by sdraw108
Author stormymonday Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Point taken. Just because it's not a big deal for me, doesn't mean that it's not for her. Maybe I will revisit the situation in 6 months, or just wait until she says ok let's do this. 4
sdraw108 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Maybe I will revisit the situation in 6 months, or just wait until she says ok let's do this. This is the best approach you can take. You've already made your intentions very clear to her. Repeating them won't achieve anything other than make her feel pressured. The ball is her court, let her take her time over it now. If/when she decides to do it, you'll know that it's right for both of you. Whereas if you keep mentioning it, she might just cave in but not really want it, and end up resenting it.
rolo99 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I moved in with my then-boyfriend, now almost ex-husband, after 4 mos. He was very freshly divorced. I had been single for a few mos. He sold his house, so i invited him to move in with me. 1.5 yrs later we were married....for 13 years. So yes, you can argue that it "worked" because we were together for almost 15 years, but what i have since discovered is that he is a very dependent type person, who looks for others to make him happy, instead of being happy within himself. Once he wasn't happy and I couldn't make him happy, he left.
Author stormymonday Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 There's really no hurry. I rented an apartment in the building next to hers, it was in my price range and closer to work, which was my goal. However, I just ended up staying over here all the time, don't really have an explanation, it just happened. I've tried staying in my place, but it just doesn't feel right. Whereas I can lay down in her bed, and be out like a light. So it seems stupid to keep paying rent for a place I never stay.
FitChick Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Who did she live with before you met? Roommates or boyfriend? She may just want to have her own official space for a while. Since you live next door, it's not a big hardship for you like it would be for someone who lived miles away. You should learn to be on your own as well. Be independent for a while.
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