Just venting

[Eivuwan]

I am doing the best to move on from my relationship but about once a week I wouldn't be able to sleep all night thinking about how he could have treated me the way he did. I figure I am just going to write a post about all the things I am upset about so that I can just read it when I'm having a sleepless night. This could be long. You are warned.

 

Things I don't like about my ex:

 

1) He takes no pride in his words. Literally 80% or more of the times when he agreed to do something simple like take out the trash, he wouldn't do it or would take weeks to do it. Then I end up doing it or there would be flies all over the apartment. This makes me feel that he is unreliable and does not care about my concerns.

 

2) He became more and more shallow over the years. The only things he cares about is his appearance, money, and whether he is smart enough for his job. When I first met him he used to care about things like making a difference in society. Now he openly admits that he doesn't care about people. He says that he cares about me and his dog and I used to think that that was enough for me, but now I realize that someone who is generally uncaring would not be able to sustain his love for me during difficult times. Also, while he says he loves me and his dog, the way he treated his dog is worse than the way I treat my dad's dog and I do not claim to love my dad's dog as a brother like the way he claims he loves his dog.

 

3) He is not able to listen when I tell him my concerns in a gentle and supportive manner. However, he listens when his friend calls him a selfish dick. It saddens me that it takes insults to make him listen or that the opinion of his friend is more important than mine when I am supposedly his best friend.

 

4) He said many stupid things during the break up period such as putting most of the blame on me, saying that in the future he just wants to sleep around with hot women and not have an emotional relationship with someone. He also said that I should have worked harder on giving him sexual satisfaction because he contributes the most in the relationship. And as for how he contributed the most, it is because he contributed the most money. I guess I was just a prostitute to him. I am currently a grad student and he started a career so yes, he is going to make more money right now. It is not as if I do not contribute most of my savings towards the relationship even if he end up spending more money overall. Furthermore, I tried to make up for this financial deficit by cooking for him, doing most of the chores, etc... But I guess it's never going to be enough for him as long as he is making the most money. I even sacrificed my grad school choices to suit his career. It's like he does not realize that part of why he is able to have the career he wants is because I sacrificed aspects of my career to accommodate him. Sigh. He tried to take back some of these stupid things later on when I called him out on it, but what's been said cannot be taken back so easily especially for someone who changes his words capriciously.

 

5) He always puts his comfort above mine and does not know how to care for me when I'm sick. For example, when I was visiting him in another state for a couple of months, he was too paranoid to give me the keys to his apartment so I can only go out around his work hours. I ended up being coped up at home alone most days. Basically, his concerns are always legit and mine are always trivial.

 

6) He thinks he can come and go from the relationship as he pleases. He insisted on remaining friends and wanted me to be open to a fresh start after a year of being single. I went NC and told him I never want to talk to him again. He is too selfish to understand why I need to do that... He thinks that I can move on just by telling myself repeatedly that he is just a friend now... This guy seems to have no ability for empathy sometimes.

 

7) He projects his insecurities onto me and pick on my looks for little things like the little bit of fat I have under my chin... I'm actually borderline underweight for my height... That bit of fat is because my chin is very close to my neck. He gets really bothered when I wear glasses instead of contacts even though I can't wear contacts all the time because they bother my eyes if worn for too long. Anyway, stuff like that made me obsess over my looks although things are much better now that he is not in my life.

 

8) He dumped me because he does not find me attractive even though I stuck with him through the years in which he was fat and unattractive. I'm not good enough for him now even though I have also been improving my appearance over the years.

 

I read an e-mail I wrote to him 3 years ago about how I was unhappy with him because he was selfish and unreliable... I regret that I gave him another 3 years of chances sigh... Well, it's time to not make the same mistake in my future relationships.

Edited July 9, 2013 by Eivuwan

[Appleness]

Keep posting. Lists like this really help because you have you keep a perspective on how to build your boundaries back up.

 

You didn't waste 3 years. You spent 3 years learning what you no longer want in your life.

[Eivuwan]

Keep posting. Lists like this really help because you have you keep a perspective on how to build your boundaries back up.

 

You didn't waste 3 years. You spent 3 years learning what you no longer want in your life.

 

Thanks for your kind words. Sometimes I'm just so frustrated about how he believes he contributed more to the relationship and that I'm to blame for everything because I didn't focus most of my time making myself look good like the way he did. He wasn't always like this and that's why I kept ignoring these warning signs. He used to talk about philosophy and other interesting topics with me. I don't understand why he chose to grow in this direction becoming more and more like his parents (who he hates because they badly abused him when he was little). He dislikes them but somehow does not realize that he is becoming like them. Sigh.

[Eivuwan]

I also realize that another reason why it is hard to get over him is because my confidence and self-esteem had been lowered because of his reasons for breaking up with me. I simply cannot accept those reasons because they seem so silly and they were things that could be resolved with time and work. Like the thing with me not being good looking enough. I was already going to the gym and making progress. Also I am not unattractive even if I didn't go to the gym. I am at the proper weight for my height and I don't have a huge belly or anything extreme. On the other hand, I stayed by his side for years when he was overweight and not very attractive.

 

We also had some difficulty with sexually satisfying each other but it seems ridiculous that he made such a big deal out of how I wasn't able to satisfy him when he rarely makes an effort to satisfy me on my preferences. In this, I can definitely say I made more of an effort. It just seems that I spoiled him throughout the relationship and that caused him to think that he is so much better than me. What he doesn't seem to realize is that I had unreasonably low expectations for him because he was my first love and because I keep making excuses for his behavior due to the abuse he experienced as a child. Too bad my support and understanding ended up backfiring. Instead of teaching him to be a better person, it seems to have made him think too highly of his needs and too little of mine. He is becoming more and more like his parents. Shallow, selfish, projecting blame all the time, and lack of empathy...

 

At our breakup he says that I have the perfect personality for him, but that physical needs are number 1 to him... It just hit me like a ton of bricks. This was not what he said when he was pursuing me... It just seems to me that he says the word love without realizing what it really is. For example, I was making him dinner one day because I like to make him happy. He said something along the lines of "why would it make you happy to go through all this hassle to make food for someone." I realize at that point that he cannot comprehend doing something inconvenient for others just to make them happy. When there is a conflict between his personal comfort and doing something nice for others, his personal comfort usually comes first.

 

Now I am going to make a list of my strengths so that I don't lose sight of myself as a person.

 

1) I am a caring, open minded, and empathetic person. My career is all about how I can be of service to others. With my skills, I could have picked a lucrative career but I didn't.

 

2) I am intelligent, well-read, and introspective.

 

3) I don't know if I am better looking than average, but I am certainly not unhealthy or ugly. I do need to continue going to the gym to get more fit and stronger for personal satisfaction though. But it is not like I'm going to the gym because of any major health or appearance reasons.

 

4) I am able to laugh, make jokes, and be cheerful, as well as know when to listen and be serious. I guess I'm saying I'm socially sensitive.

 

5) My major goals in life are to continue bettering myself as a person as well as being able to make a change in the world even if it's small changes.

Edited July 10, 2013 by Eivuwan