"Women who are chasers are thrill seekers."

[Emilia]

Yep, I do all that

 

It's especially bad when I catch myself trying to win over someone that I have already rejected, just because he seems to be into someone else.

that's really self-destructive behaviour ES

[Star Gazer]

ES: There will always be instances where the chemistry doesn't click. Even for me, that's the issue 99% of the time.

 

However, the loss of interest as soon as you know you have a guy or that he's desirous of a good relationship is telling and problematic.

 

There are two people here who over the years, I've recognized a lot of myself in from the EU perspective. You're one of them. The other has a history of choosing volatile relationships with men who aren't available to her geographically (and she and I have talked about it behind closed doors).

 

For you, I'd surmise (not playing armchair shrink here, just observing) that your struggles stem from something in your childhood. I've picked up on an excessive desire to please your parents, particularly your mother, which suggests that in some way, although loved to death as a child, you never really felt accepted or worthy or something. I don't know, just what I've observed.

 

It's not a love-fatal sentence, if you start working on it.

[Drseussgrrl]

My opinion is that looking for fault is not helpful. My mom divorced my father when I was two. She had to. He was abusing drugs, abusing us, etc. It was either that or stay, and I was her baby, and she'd rather sacrifice everything (which she did) than have me exposed to that.

 

However, late last year I finally realized that I don't have to be a victim. I don't have to lug around emotional baggage. When I finally decided to throw it away and just be happy as I am and as my life is, and decided to just be positive, and went through a lot of internal thinking, reading books, etc., I realized that there's nothing lacking in me that's present in children who have two normal parents.

 

I had to make the choice to throw away that baggage. Even though my father molested me, I don't consider myself a victim or a survivor. Merely someone who was molested when she was young, but now is past it.

 

The decision to be happy rests completely within each one of us.

 

T, this is so true and you are right on.

 

I don't know if I necessarily think I'm a victim. I am a happy person. I have accomplished a lot in my life of my own accord. I was the first college graduate in my family.

 

When it comes to relationships and men, however, I really wish I could get inside my own head and rewire my EU tendencies. And yeah, I suppose in those times I still think back and feel anger towards my dad for being such an ass. I didn't choose to be born, or even to him.

 

*sigh* - something else to bring up in my next sesh I suppose.

 

But I loved your post.

[Star Gazer]

(You're also prone to the "twitch" to want to chase.)

[Teufelhunden]

You told her no chance to get back together after 11yrs. This

Means the chase is on !.....

Expect to run into her at a gas station or grocery store.....

 

Lol luckily for me she lives out of state.

 

However, there is a get together later this year that she has apparently been asking several friends of mine around here to talk me into going. So unfortunately it does appear that she thinks the chase is still on

[iris219]

I'll chime in, even though I don't consider myself a chaser. Being the child of a single mother who was largely emotionally absent, I can relate in some ways, though I'm on the other end of the spectrum: playing it super safe when it comes to dating. I wonder if that is a symptom of EU.

 

Historically, I dated “safe" men (except for my most recent ex, who I’ll talk about in a moment). By that I mean men who were almost obsessively in love with me, who were afraid of losing me, and who would do anything to keep me. I felt no man was good enough for me unless he was bending over backwards to please me while simultaneously declaring his undying love for me. (I hate admitting this.) As a young adult, I felt there was no man worth chasing. I was the one whose love had to earned, and once it was, I was a good, loving girlfriend.

 

With my last ex, I ended up chasing him, accidently, because I didn’t realize that men get in relationships with women and don’t treat them like princesses. I just assumed that if he wanted a relationship with me he would treat me the way my exes did. Like the princess that I was. Big mistake on my part. Not only did he not do this, he treated me horribly. I couldn’t stand that someone I cared about had the nerve to treat me so poorly. Instead of leaving him, I was determined to make him see how wrong his behavior was (how dare he treat me badly), which resulted in about six wasted years of hell for both of us.

 

Now I’m back to dating someone who will do anything for me, who never argues with me, who thinks I’m amazing, and it worries me. Do I really love him or do I love that he loves me? I feel like I love him. I'm incredibly attracted to him. I think about him all the time, I want to be with him constantly, and I’m always doing things to make him happy, but I still worry that I’m repeating a pattern of dating “safe” guys. Could this be a symptom of EU? Can anyone relate?

[Maleficent]

I'll be honest. I think a lot of this eu discussion is just justification of why you haven't been successful in dating. When I was younger I used to try to make men fall for me and as soon as they were into me I'd abort. However, I was never truly interested in those men in the first place. Sometimes you really like a guy and he doesn't happen to feel the same. Are you EU if you go after who you really like instead of choosing among men you don't really want? No, not at all. Sucks when he doesn't feel the same and this happens in dating all the time. By telling yourself its your problem for being EU, you are just trying to distract yourself from the hurtful fact that the men you are into are not into you!

 

 

I can't speak for others personally, but I chased after a man for almost three years before realizing what I was doing to myself.

I knew he wanted nothing to do with me - even as a friend! he treated me like absolute crap but I kept going after him.

When I finally ended this nonsense, I met (and fell) for a man freshly out of a 4 year relationship who told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and wanted us to be just friends. Meanwhile, he met a girl online and was dating her.

Thankfully that one lasted only 2 months :S

 

 

So I think you're missing the point. It's not a matter of going for the one we really like. I mean really. There is a line between wanting someone and realizing after a few days/weeks he isn't interest and moving on VS chasing after him for months/years

 

In psychology, it's called a schema. We go after the men who are not into us because rejection is all we've known - so to speak. Going for the one who are into us is, unconsciously, scary. It's the unknown so our brain makes it so we don't have to go through the scary unknown (that's human nature)

 

It has nothing to do with having low self-esteem, or self validation. Our brains are playing tricks on us.

 

Going for the one who are into us is, unconsciously, scary. It's the unknown so our brain makes it so we don't have to go through the scary unknown (that's human nature)

[soccerrprp]

Yep, I do all that

 

It's especially bad when I catch myself trying to win over someone that I have already rejected, just because he seems to be into someone else.

 

Ugh......

[Col1]

Nothing wrong with a lady initiating by asking out a man on a first date. That's not chasing. If he's not interested, then move on.

[tbf]

This thread has been absolutely fascinating for perspectives.

It's a very good thread, particularly for members who have let down their walls. In vulnerability, there's strength.

[tbf]

In psychology, it's called a schema. We go after the men who are not into us because rejection is all we've known - so to speak. Going for the one who are into us is, unconsciously, scary. It's the unknown so our brain makes it so we don't have to go through the scary unknown (that's human nature)

 

It has nothing to do with having low self-esteem, or self validation. Our brains are playing tricks on us.

 

Going for the one who are into us is, unconsciously, scary. It's the unknown so our brain makes it so we don't have to go through the scary unknown (that's human nature)

So that the guys understand, this is gender neutral.

 

This thread isn't about accusations about why women rejected you or the simplistic belief that it's easy to break formative patterns by not being attracted. Not everyone can throw a switch.

 

It's about people sharing their vulnerabilities, finding others who share commonalities or at minimum, are able to compassionately empathize, and supporting each other and them through it.

[Woggle]

I think that's fair point. But a lot of women in this thread have a lot of love to give and we are working on our issues. So don't dismiss us completely

 

Until a woman or a man for that matter sorts out the issues with only being attracted to unavailable partners I would advise an available person to not torture themselves with trying to date them.

[crude]

Not for me it wasn't. For me it was about seeing a guy I wanted, and sometimes didn't want that much, and seeing if I could get him, which I pretty much always could. And then I got bored easily. The challenge was the fun part, and once the challenge was over, the incompatibility problems surfaced pretty quickly.

 

Isn't that the exact characteristic we claim men have. The man chases, get the prey, then gets bored. I don't think it's very common in men or women.

[tbf]

Isn't that the exact characteristic we claim men have. The man chases, get the prey, then gets bored. I don't think it's very common in men or women.

You don't understand human behaviours. Most behaviours are natural and considered emotionally healthy. It's the magnitude of the behaviour, where it becomes detrimental to yourself and/or others on a consistent basis, that defines when it becomes emotionally unhealthy. Add more magnitude and it becomes a mental health issue, whether personality disorder or psychotic behaviour.

[SJC2008]

In late 2007 I met a girl at a local bar. She wasn't bad looking at all, a cute brounette with killer blue eyes, tall and thin. Well she really really liked me. She told my friend that I'm beautiful? lol. Anyway, what do yall think I did? I ran for the hills! I rationalized myself out of it by thinking I wasn't attracted to her and that I was going throug some family stuff (true). Looking back it's obvious that I rejected her because I was EA, scared to get hurt and that I knew she liked me and "validated" me. I didn't have to prove my worth to her or win her over. I sooo regret not dating her. It was the perfect situation for the both of us being shy:(

 

I like to think I have changed and want to date someone who wants me but I can't say I'm 100% sure I have changed. I've learned a lot about myself this last year and have become very slef aware and am thankful for it. Self awareness is the first step and I see that in OP and ES but like ES said we have to do something about it.