"Women who are chasers are thrill seekers."

[Star Gazer]

While there's an element of thrill-seeking when it comes to challenge, is there an underlying question of lovability, hence proof of through acquisition of challenge?

 

I think so, yes.

 

"If I can make this difficult man love me, if we can overcome these obstacles, I am loveable/worthy."

[tbf]

I think so, yes.

 

"If I can make this difficult man love me, if we can overcome these obstacles, I am loveable/worthy."

Star, I'm so impressed by your honesty. You've come a long way.

[Star Gazer]

I am fighting with myself, because I am involved with someone who's inconveniently located (not long distance but not exactly local), and I'm feeling these twitches to chase.

 

And it's making me think I may be backsliding to where I was pre-Skiman, when I was a big time chaser/initiator/pursuer disguised as "an independent woman just going after what she wants."

 

And it's pissing me off.

 

[miss_jaclynrae]

Here's a quiz:

Are You Emotionally Unavailable | Lifescript.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

I took it. I'm cool and collective. Lol I know what I want but sometimes hold back, told me to take more risks. Haha

[Star Gazer]

Star, I'm so impressed by your honesty. You've come a long way.

 

I have an awesome therapist to thank.

[Treasa]

I am fighting with myself, because I am involved with someone who's inconveniently located (not long distance but not exactly local), and I'm feeling these twitches to chase.

 

And it's making me think I may be backsliding to where I was pre-Skiman, when I was a big time chaser/initiator/pursuer disguised as "an independent woman just going after what she wants."

 

And it's pissing me off.

 

 

No. Bad Star! No chasing him. I think you're aware of but don't fully appreciate your own value.

 

In your mind, you should honestly believe, "If he's not knocking himself out to pursue me, then he's an idiot and doesn't deserve me anyhow."

 

I think it's awesome that you're becoming more and more aware of it. Those are the first steps to changing it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think so, yes.

 

"If I can make this difficult man love me, if we can overcome these obstacles, I am loveable/worthy."

 

I've heard this from a lot of women over the years...I'm struggling to bridge the connection, I at first thought it might be connected with childhood experiences/relationship with father/mother...but I've heard women say this from many backgrounds and upbringings.

 

Many women seem to have a lot of issues with acceptance and emotional validation, from of all things to be done so by men...who for the greater part of things have no clue or understanding of this dynamic which is even occurring, and don't realize that women gravitate more towards their behavior and their unavailability that exacerbates those emotions and impulsive insecurities rather than I'd say personally..."love".

[ThaWholigan]

Awareness and acceptance is always the key to progression

[Star Gazer]

Here's a quiz:

Are You Emotionally Unavailable | Lifescript.com

 

 

I'm not impressed by this quiz. The way the answers are phrased, you'd have to be kookoo to answer in any way that doesn't result in "Cool and Collected."

 

I mean, some of those alternative answers are scary!

[Star Gazer]

No. Bad Star! No chasing him. I think you're aware of but don't fully appreciate your own value.

 

In your mind, you should honestly believe, "If he's not knocking himself out to pursue me, then he's an idiot and doesn't deserve me anyhow."

 

I think it's awesome that you're becoming more and more aware of it. Those are the first steps to changing it.

 

I'm not chasing! Just...twitching!

 

Thankfully, so far, he's beating me to the punch. He's the initiator/leader, and he seems to prefer that role, thankfully!

 

I think it's the distance. He's come to me, but because of scheduling conflicts, I have to go to him now and I'm kinda stomping my feet in my head. "I don't wanna! YOU need to WORK for ME!"

 

He will, but it feels...twitchy.

[Star Gazer]

I've heard this from a lot of women over the years...I'm struggling to bridge the connection, I at first thought it might be connected with childhood experiences/relationship with father/mother...but I've heard women say this from many backgrounds and upbringings.

 

Many women seem to have a lot of issues with acceptance and emotional validation, from of all things to be done so by men...who for the greater part of things have no clue or understanding of this dynamic which is even occurring, and don't realize that women gravitate more towards their behavior and their unavailability that exacerbates those emotions and impulsive insecurities rather than I'd say personally..."love".

 

I've worked with my therapist for YEARS (off and on, varying degrees depending on need/crisis), and she and I are convinced that it absolutely stems from your childhood/formative years. We try to recreate what we know.

 

For me, I never had a dad. He left when my mom gave birth - literally, held me, and then left. I never had a male role model, good or bad. I was left to flounder, trial and error, through my teens, college years and beyond.

 

I used to say there was nothing wrong with single parenthood because I turned out just fine compared to the statistics, but as a child of a single parent who never understood why her own father abandoned her, and struggled with relationships as a result... I will never intentionally be a single parent. Even infants pick up on that, and as a child growing up, I never understood why I was different from all the other kids who had two parents (even if divorced or one had passed). No one ever taught me what it was like to be loved and respected by a man, because I didn't have that formative relationship to show me and be an example. I had to learn on my own... And, it's been hard. Really hard.

 

Long story short, it almost always stems from some form of abandonment: physical, emotional, etc.

[Star Gazer]

You don't want to see him. You want him to want to see you.

 

Nah, I definitely want to see him. "He's the sexiest man alive!!!"

 

[Woggle]

I think a lot of women who constantly run into unavailable men or commitment phobes are like this. I wish they would stop blaming the men and look at why they keep chasing men like this.

[Treasa]

I'm not chasing! Just...twitching!

 

Thankfully, so far, he's beating me to the punch. He's the initiator/leader, and he seems to prefer that role, thankfully!

 

I think it's the distance. He's come to me, but because of scheduling conflicts, I have to go to him now and I'm kinda stomping my feet in my head. "I don't wanna! YOU need to WORK for ME!"

 

He will, but it feels...twitchy.

 

I really do understand how you feel, trust me. And as another child of a single mom, I do think I get why you feel that way.

 

As long as he keeps chasing you and not the other way around, all is good.

 

What have your hobbies been lately? I know you used to like to paint and do charity work and cook or bake or something, right?

[soccerrprp]

If you're a man who chases/courts a woman, you likely won't be chased by an EU woman. You'll catch an available one.

 

I do and I hope not. And still looking for the hottest, most sane, intelligent, left-leaning, healthy woman out there!

 

Phew, I was worried. Thanks.

[Divasu]

I took it. I'm cool and collective. Lol I know what I want but sometimes hold back, told me to take more risks. Haha

 

I couldnt get my results. It won't give them to me!

[Star Gazer]

What have your hobbies been lately? I know you used to like to paint and do charity work and cook or bake or something, right?

 

Tons of running, tons of charity work, tons of time with girlfriends and outdoor activities, and in the winter I also ski a ton.

 

I'm definitely not sitting around picking my butt.

[tbf]

I've heard this from a lot of women over the years...I'm struggling to bridge the connection, I at first thought it might be connected with childhood experiences/relationship with father/mother...but I've heard women say this from many backgrounds and upbringings.

 

Many women seem to have a lot of issues with acceptance and emotional validation, from of all things to be done so by men...who for the greater part of things have no clue or understanding of this dynamic which is even occurring, and don't realize that women gravitate more towards their behavior and their unavailability that exacerbates those emotions and impulsive insecurities rather than I'd say personally..."love".

I'd say it's a combination of issues of which the formative years play a substantial role. Societal gender roles also play a part where as SG has previously stated, the expectation within these roles for traditional "femininity" is receptive energy.

 

The last to impact are androgens, specifically testosterone which acts like an empathy suppressant for men.

[Star Gazer]

The thing is, when will it stop? When can he stop having to chase her all the time? My guess is never. Because women don't want it to stop.

 

It's an ego boost for the woman when the man always goes to her, always puts in the effort, always calls her and so forth.

 

If he isn't always the one doing those things the woman won't feel desired and worshipped anymore. And that's pretty much the whole thing for the woman. To be desired and pursued.

 

This really is irrelevant to the subject of the thread and argumentative. Please don't distract from this conversation.

 

And others, please don't engage in the debate he's trying to create. Start a separate thread for that.

[Treasa]

The thing is, when will it stop? When can he stop having to chase her all the time? My guess is never. Because women don't want it to stop.

 

It's an ego boost for the woman when the man always goes to her, always puts in the effort, always calls her and so forth.

 

If he isn't always the one doing those things the woman won't feel desired and worshipped anymore. And that's pretty much the whole thing for the woman. To be desired and pursued.

 

It has nothing to do with women. It has to do with Star and how she feels about herself and how she feels about her relationships with men. It wasn't a generalization.

 

Although, I think it's nice to let men do the chasing, and women do the pacing. Men like to chase. No need to deprive them of that instinct.

[Treasa]

Tons of running, tons of charity work, tons of time with girlfriends and outdoor activities, and in the winter I also ski a ton.

 

I'm definitely not sitting around picking my butt.

 

No, I wasn't implying that. I was just wondering what kinds of things you were up to lately. It's nice to see that you didn't give up these things for a guy like a lot of women unfortunately do.

[Treasa]

You said it yourself. You don't want to be the one to go to him. My guess is it takes away the whole point for you if you have to go to him.

 

When because of scheduling conflicts you have to go to him... maybe you should just skip going to him at all. And only see him when he goes to you.

 

Exactly. These are very good ideas. Until the relationship reaches a deeper stage, of course.

[hoping2heal]

I've heard this from a lot of women over the years...I'm struggling to bridge the connection, I at first thought it might be connected with childhood experiences/relationship with father/mother...but I've heard women say this from many backgrounds and upbringings.

 

I have an emotionally unavailable Father. He has always been this way and probably always will. He was a constant physical presence but not in any way, shape, or form an emotional one. My mother was more affectionate and nuturing during my formative years and I had other immediate family who were that way too. My Grandmother was a huge person in my life for example. I also went through some traumatic things as a kid.

 

I definitely felt the need for male validation but the game changer came when I started to pursue and accomplish personal successes. The less I needed a man's affection or a relationship to define something positive about myself, the less emphasis I put on male validation.

 

For women, everything around us from the time we're just little girls revolves around a man loving us. Fairytales, playing house (being a Mommy), Barbies (Hey, Ken), etc. I think we reach out for male validation because we believe that's what is going to make us feel better except male validation isn't the same as personal achievement and accomplishment. When you get that validation and realize you still feel as empty as you did beforehand now you need something like drama, or a EU man to distract you when the whole time what that person needed had nothing to do with men. But, we're taught to believe that happiness and fulfilment comes from our Prince Charming so we innately look there first.

 

I think that even if my Dad would have been emotionally available and loving, I would have went down a very similar road and had a very similar experience until the day I begin to build these pieces of myself that had nothing to do with a man or a relationship at all. I think that's why there's such a diverse background on women who still do the same thing.

[Star Gazer]

No, I wasn't implying that. I was just wondering what kinds of things you were up to lately. It's nice to see that you didn't give up these things for a guy like a lot of women unfortunately do.

 

Skiman was the only guy I ever lost myself for, and I was miserable really. It's not going to happen again.

[SJC2008]

If you're a man who chases/courts a woman, you likely won't be chased by an EU woman. You'll catch an available one.

 

This is why I don't go buy many a mens rule of playing dumb and/or waiting for the woman to bring up exclusivity. If she says no and splits she either A) Wasn't interested enough or B) She's EU and has to chase to validate/win the man over. So it's a win win in my book!