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How much harder is it to separate if you're still friends?

Decisiontomake

By Decisiontomake
in Separation and Divorce

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Decisiontomake Established Member

Decisiontomake

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I have posted more in-depth threads previously regarding my marriage: 23 years together, married 19 of those, two kids (18 and 15), and basically growing apart over the last few years.

 

We have had so many close moments over the last six months of one of us saying we want to leave (mainly me, or me suggesting for him to), but then we stop. I would prefer to hate him to make this easier.

 

The reason for this post is to ask if there is anyone out there that has separated/divorced from someone who they still got along with, but knew they shouldn't be married to?

 

Thanks for any input.

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Decisiontomake Established Member

Decisiontomake

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Lol - I guess it must be much harder as no one has any words of wisdom!! ;)

It-is-what-it-is. Established Member

It-is-what-it-is.

Posted
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No words of wisdom here.

 

I think there is a book called "too good to leave, too bad to stay" or something like that, maybe it would offer more?

 

I have to believe that marriage counseling would also help, I mean, help you both get on the same page.

 

I think if you really WANTED to leave, you would. So what's really holding you back?

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
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The reason for this post is to ask if there is anyone out there that has separated/divorced from someone who they still got along with, but knew they shouldn't be married to?

Long term psychologically it has been much better for both of us.

 

Divorcing my husband was one of two very heartbreaking things I've had to deal with so far in my life. It took me years to get over it but it was a different kind of pain from what a lot of people experience I think. It was like losing a very good friend, a loss of innoncence, the loss of that 'walk into the sunset together' thing. However it has not damaged either of us beyond repair and we still get on very well. I speak to him pretty much every other day or so just as have done for the last 20 years - except when I lived abroad.

 

It has been also financially much better for us, we didn't involve lawyers in our divorce.

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Decisiontomake Established Member

Decisiontomake

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Long term psychologically it has been much better for both of us.

 

Divorcing my husband was one of two very heartbreaking things I've had to deal with so far in my life. It took me years to get over it but it was a different kind of pain from what a lot of people experience I think. It was like losing a very good friend, a loss of innoncence, the loss of that 'walk into the sunset together' thing. However it has not damaged either of us beyond repair and we still get on very well. I speak to him pretty much every other day or so just as have done for the last 20 years - except when I lived abroad.

 

It has been also financially much better for us, we didn't involve lawyers in our divorce.

 

Thank you for that insight - it is helpful to know you survived, and did so in a good way too. I ready somewhere (might have been on this board), that so many marriages wait for their to be no love left before they consider divorce and that in doing so, they are kidding themselves that that will ever be the case. I see that in my situation and guess I'm trying to avoid making my own inevitable heartache by the immediate decision to separate. Sucks big time!

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Decisiontomake Established Member

Decisiontomake

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No words of wisdom here.

 

I think there is a book called "too good to leave, too bad to stay" or something like that, maybe it would offer more?

 

I have to believe that marriage counseling would also help, I mean, help you both get on the same page.

 

I think if you really WANTED to leave, you would. So what's really holding you back?

 

We have had counseling before and it's been good in terms of re-enforcing some of the areas we need to work on, but there's such a fundamental incompatibility with what we want from life, and how we approach it that it doesn't really "fix" those areas.

 

As for what's holding me back: history, habit, comfort, fear of the unknown, the wider impact (children/family) etc. My head tells me we should not be together, but then all those emotions pop up and then I'm back at square one. Am rather sick of myself going in the same circle!

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted
Thank you for that insight - it is helpful to know you survived, and did so in a good way too. I ready somewhere (might have been on this board), that so many marriages wait for their to be no love left before they consider divorce and that in doing so, they are kidding themselves that that will ever be the case. I see that in my situation and guess I'm trying to avoid making my own inevitable heartache by the immediate decision to separate. Sucks big time!

Well we should have divorced at least 2 years earlier, we were together for 10 altogether. I think we are lucky that our bond was so strong (I gather it might be linked to personality, I'm not sure) that it survived the nasty last 2 years.

 

If you end up separating you will be very sad for a long time. We were separated for about 5 years before we divorced and it was still heartbreaking.

 

Good luck.

mbethb Member

mbethb

Posted
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I'm only one week into filing for divorce so take this as you may. I intend to remain friends with my stbxh. We have been best friends for 15 years and share two children. I know many here are all for NC but that's just not an option for us.

 

He has done some very awful things in the last year and has handled things badly but he will always be my friend and father to my children and I feel it very important to remain in close contact with him for the sake of our kids and our sanity.

73Fras Member

73Fras

Posted
Posted

I guess I am a member of this camp.

 

I am 11 mths separated from my stbxh of almost 22 years...

We have 2 kids together and get along pretty well. In fact, he just helped me move into my new house and I will be helping him paint his new house next week....

 

I hope we can remain good friends - but do worry about that once each of us start meeting new people. It won't be easy for any new relationships to openly accept old ones...

 

As for the decision to divorce - we definitely should have done it sooner - but were stubborn and naive and comfortable in our lifestyle and careers... A part of me will always have anger towards my ex for finally taking those 1st steps but also will be forever grateful.

 

Best of luck - not every divorce has to be nasty

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revitup Established Member

revitup

Posted
Posted
We have had counseling before and it's been good in terms of re-enforcing some of the areas we need to work on, but there's such a fundamental incompatibility with what we want from life, and how we approach it that it doesn't really "fix" those areas.

 

As for what's holding me back: history, habit, comfort, fear of the unknown, the wider impact (children/family) etc. My head tells me we should not be together, but then all those emotions pop up and then I'm back at square one. Am rather sick of myself going in the same circle!

 

 

DTM,

Just thinking about your situation and wondering how you are doing.:)

 

REVITUP

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