Sunshine87 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I get the feeling that both op and his gf are codependent. From op's frantic posting style and the fact that he latched on to his gf so quickly, from the fact that his gf wasn't able to let a guy for years even though it was obvious he didn't want her. From what I've read, when two codependents get together, they form a QUICK and passionate bond...but it's a very volatile bond...with lots of misunderstandings, hurt feelings and overall "disturbances". Basically, it's not exactly "smooth sailing". And it definitely seems to be the case from the threads op has posted. OMG. This applies SO much to me. My ex ( who I was with for over three years) was co- dependent. So was I. Our relationship had most of the elements you mentioned above. We bonded SO quickly. Within two weeks we were SO close. In a way our co- dependency "helped" because neither of us came across as "too clingy" in the initial dating stages. We didn't have to abide by any rules. Nothing was too much! Until I began to become a bit independent and realises that it was unhealthy. It was stifling and I had no life outside of him. He was TERRIFIED of me leaving him for someone else. Sadly, HE broke up with me....jumped straight from our relationship into a engagement with the girl he was cheating on me with. This thread has taught me something about myself. I am co- dependent and being single is a PAIN. I can't wait for this phase to be over lol. But I mus ay that my time alone has made me so much stronger. Maybe I needed to go through this phase in order to be prepared for a healthy marriage in the future. Re OP, I don't think Phantom888 has done anything to warrant some of the comments lol. The both got together and didn't hurt anyone in the process. But I think that the posters make some valid points. I hope she doesn't hurt you. I hope you both work out. But it's just too soon to talk about her being "the one". You are also a bit insecure and I wonder if this will grow when you continue to discover more things about her. 1
veggirl Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 So did you ever tell her the truth about the chick you meet for lunches and movies or whatever? 2
Author Phantom888 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I think it's a good point to address codependency. I think both of us were at some point codependent on wrong partners. But then again, we both have had more than 6 months to cool down, and re-evaluate what we want in our next relationship. It's true that we moved fast. We are both experienced in knowing the possible consequences related to moving fast. But the real reason why we bonded so quickly was that we both had mental pictures of what EXACTLY we wanted in a future partner. From appearance, to career, family, income, capabilities, experiences...we matched each other 100%, which has never happened to either of us before. She has made an effort to disclose as much as possible early on, and to convince me that she is honest. I trust her. Is it possible there are things we don't know about each other? Of course! But we both agree that we will take time to learn about each other, with the plan of staying together regardless. Sometimes I feel we are so alike, it's almost weird. She was born 18 days before me...so maybe that has something to do with it.
Author Phantom888 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 So did you ever tell her the truth about the chick you meet for lunches and movies or whatever? Yeah... I actually told her before the weekend. She found it extremely hot that I "turned" a lesbian straight. But she also trusts that we are only friends now, and I am in no way attracted to this friend.
Treasa Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Yeah... I actually told her before the weekend. She found it extremely hot that I "turned" a lesbian straight. But she also trusts that we are only friends now, and I am in no way attracted to this friend. I hope you realize that a lot of people (in this case, women) will tell you things you want to hear, right? You can't turn a lesbian straight. At best she is bisexual. You also may not have the biggest cock, or be the best lover, but your girlfriend isn't going to tell you that. At 38 you should really know better than to believe everything you hear. I've gotten a weird vibe about this woman from your very first post about her. I agree with the others on the codependency. Also, being married for a long time doesn't indicate anything except that that couple was probably also codependent. I've been in codependent relationships. They're easy to spot from the outside. P.S. - Cancel that trip if it's refundable. After six weeks, you barely truly know her. What you are feeling is lust and affection, not true love. People can argue with me all they want, but I think we all know what it's like to be so sure about someone, and then end up being completely wrong. 2
xxoo Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I'm glad you are happy, but can you understand how your constant posting undermines the assertion that things are so wonderful and stable? You seem very anxious for someone so sure of things. Common sense tells us that your very new relationship will go through many challenges before it is as stable as you profess it to currently be. You are excited, but what is the rush to prove this is the one? If you don't let the relationship unfold naturally, you risk fitting yourselves into a box of your own making, and regretting it in years to come.... 1
Divasu Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I think it's a good point to address codependency. I think both of us were at some point codependent on wrong partners. But then again, we both have had more than 6 months to cool down, and re-evaluate what we want in our next relationship. It's true that we moved fast. We are both experienced in knowing the possible consequences related to moving fast. But the real reason why we bonded so quickly was that we both had mental pictures of what EXACTLY we wanted in a future partner. From appearance, to career, family, income, capabilities, experiences...we matched each other 100%, which has never happened to either of us before. She has made an effort to disclose as much as possible early on, and to convince me that she is honest. I trust her. Is it possible there are things we don't know about each other? Of course! But we both agree that we will take time to learn about each other, with the plan of staying together regardless. Sometimes I feel we are so alike, it's almost weird. She was born 18 days before me...so maybe that has something to do with it. You have to stop this in terms of "I think we both suffer from x, y and z". You, can only address YOU. Because, anyone who is overly dependent on another, is a result of having low self-esteem and a need for approval. And, the only person who has power over it, is you. 1
picaso28 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I don't need to defend myself, but since this is a forum, I will try to keep the conversation going. Codependant people seek relationships because they are unhappy alone. I have been happy with my life prior to meeting her. She has been successful in maintaining a career and motherhood for years. No one wants to be lonely. She made a poor choice with the other man, but at least she realizes it, and it's not too late. Who is to say 6 weeks is too short for a committed relationship? If we didn't have small children, we would be engaged already. I signed a one-year lease on my own to prevent us from living together too soon. I booked a vacation for July 4th, 2014 because I know we will still be together then. I am sure about her. I think you handled it the best way you can. Don't worry, trust her and enjoy dating her. If you don't trust her and worry about her leaving you, well eventually the relationship won't work. As for the haters on here, do what you feel. If you want to profess your love to her after date 2 so be it. Everyone is different. Main thing, be yourself, trust that she likes you and enjoy the good times. if you do that you are at least giving it the best shot of progressing long term. Good luck 1
Author Phantom888 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I hope you realize that a lot of people (in this case, women) will tell you things you want to hear, right? You can't turn a lesbian straight. At best she is bisexual. You also may not have the biggest cock, or be the best lover, but your girlfriend isn't going to tell you that. At 38 you should really know better than to believe everything you hear. No i totally think women BS all the time. But really there is no harm, and I know when it's complete BS. I just know she truly cares about my feelings, and we really want to be together. That's our foundation. The rest of the relationship will be built on top of this over time. We do plan to have a future together, and we are taking steps to head towards that goal. By the end of the summer, she will meet my family and I will meet hers. We are doing this one step at a time.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Oy vey. So much drama. She sounds like she loves it, and sounds like you are so desperate to be wih someone you are putting up with it.
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