Overcoming our 1st hiccup

[Phantom888]

My brand new relationship (6 weeks) went through a major hiccup this past weekend. No we didn't fight. She told me the truth about something, and it took me 24 hours to resolve in my mind.

 

When my woman divorced 4 years ago, she met a man almost immediately. They dated for 7 months, until it became clear to her that this man never wanted commitment. He did not even want exclusivity at 7 months. That was the story I got when I met her. This past weekend she told me that over the last 3 years, she and this man has been good friends. He would check on her every 2 months or so to see if she was dating anyone. If not, they would hang out, and casually date. The last time they saw each other was early this year, months before she and I met. This was a bit shocking to me because I never thought she would go back to a guy who was clearly not right for her. She said it was difficult to be alone, and at least this guy provided genuine friendship. She told me she was always hesitant about dating other men exclusively, because that means she could not see him anymore. But he kept coming back.

 

Here is the kicker.... he contacted her last week before the long weekend. Same routine. But this time, she told him about me, and that I was THE ONE she had been waiting for. He freaked out. I mean, he became aggressive, mean and defensive. He told her to dump me so they could get married immediately. She said HELL NO! Not gonna be friends anymore because this is a toxic "relationship" they have had for almost 4 years. He continued to flip out, and said, "I bet you I'm taller and better looking than this new guy (me)". She responded, "you may be taller". Finally, she told him that she wants a future with me, and that she and I have lots planned for our future....as a family.

 

I was glad she came forward and told me everything honestly. She didn't have to disclose anything, but she chose to. She said she never wants to hide anything from me. I trust that she loves me as much as I love her. She tried her best to make me feel secure. She even told me, "Your cock is way bigger than his!" I was like, "I don't want to know stuff like this!!" I have to admit, after she told me this Saturday night, I couldn't sleep. I was afraid the other dude would eventually come back. He lost her because he couldn't commit, and not because of anything incompatible. I was having a hard time. On Sunday night, she sensed that I was uncomfortable, so she told me that even if I never showed up in her life, she would reject him...because she eventually realized that his non-committal ways were a character flaw, and that it made him less of a man than she wanted. This man behaved exactly the way her ex-husband behaved. They were together since she was 16, and after 11 years of dating, her ex-husband still would not marry her, until she threatened to leave him. This past relationship reminded her so much of the pain, and she clearly would not want that ever again.

 

So that was our conversation. We made love passionately afterwards. I feel we took another step forward in our relationship because of this. The only reason why I considered this a "hiccup" was that I really felt threatened at some point, and was afraid to lose her. But in the end, she proved to me that we belong together.

[Star Gazer]

This woman was desperate for a man to come along and proclaim that he loved her, and you did that on, what, the fifth date?

[Phantom888]

This woman was desperate for a man to come along and proclaim that he loved her, and you did that on, what, the fifth date?

 

Nope... 2nd date.

[MidwestUSA]

Ugh, I lost it at "Your cock is way bigger than his".

[Arabella]

But this time, she told him about me, and that I was THE ONE she had been waiting for.

 

And you're not slightly worried about the fact that she's claiming you're "the one" ... after six weeks?

[Phantom888]

Ugh, I lost it at "Your cock is way bigger than his".

 

Honestly, I totally didn't want to know... I was not even thinking that. She said it to break the tension. I think she sensed that I was afraid.

[MidwestUSA]

Honestly, I totally didn't want to know... I was not even thinking that. She said it to break the tension. I think she sensed that I was afraid.

Have you gotten any other indicators as to how she handles tension, conflict, etc.?

[Drseussgrrl]

The constant threads, the speed at which you are moving, and now this points to two people addicted to the drama of infatuation.

 

Seriously? You both are 38?

[Phantom888]

And you're not slightly worried about the fact that she's claiming you're "the one" ... after six weeks?

 

I love the fact that she sees me as THE ONE. I seriously believe she is THE ONE for me as well. Yes, only time will tell....but for some reason, we both feel that this connection is very unique. We are not newbies when it comes to relationships/dating.

[SJC2008]

She's codependant so of course she will stay freinds with him. Codependants keep options on the back burner so they have someone to run to the minute the shyt hits the fan so they don't have to be alone. Like usually dates like so you're probabaly codependant too a la calling a six week courtship a relationship.

[Phantom888]

The constant threads, the speed at which you are moving, and now this points to two people addicted to the drama of infatuation.

 

Seriously? You both are 38?

 

Not addicted to anything extraordinary. None of the "Rules" apply to us really. I mean, how often do you see two people at age 38 who were previously with the same spouse for 15+ years? Clearly she and I are on the same wavelength in terms of commitment. None of the habitual dating rules apply.

[Star Gazer]

Nope... 2nd date.

 

Even worse.

 

She loves the attention you give her; not you for who you are. Emotionally healthy people don't proclaim love on the second date.

 

The moment your adoration wanes for even a second, expect her to run to the arms of the guy who's doting on her.

[Star Gazer]

She's codependant so of course she will stay freinds with him. Codependants keep options on the back burner so they have someone to run to the minute the shyt hits the fan so they don't have to be alone.

 

This, exactly.

[Phantom888]

She's codependant so of course she will stay freinds with him. Codependants keep options on the back burner so they have someone to run to the minute the shyt hits the fan so they don't have to be alone. Like usually dates like so you're probabaly codependant too a la calling a six week courtship a relationship.

 

I don't need to defend myself, but since this is a forum, I will try to keep the conversation going. Codependant people seek relationships because they are unhappy alone. I have been happy with my life prior to meeting her. She has been successful in maintaining a career and motherhood for years. No one wants to be lonely. She made a poor choice with the other man, but at least she realizes it, and it's not too late. Who is to say 6 weeks is too short for a committed relationship? If we didn't have small children, we would be engaged already. I signed a one-year lease on my own to prevent us from living together too soon. I booked a vacation for July 4th, 2014 because I know we will still be together then. I am sure about her.

[Phantom888]

Even worse.

 

She loves the attention you give her; not you for who you are. Emotionally healthy people don't proclaim love on the second date.

 

The moment your adoration wanes for even a second, expect her to run to the arms of the guy who's doting on her.

 

You are generalizing because that is what you would do... perhaps you are jaded by bad experiences. Have you been in a 15+ years relationship? Do you have children? Your rules may not apply to everyone, but your insight is appreciated. Emotional stability is purely subjective.

[Drseussgrrl]

If you were so sure about things I don't think you'd need to create several threads a week about every little thing that happens between the two of you.

[Phantom888]

If you were so sure about things I don't think you'd need to create several threads a week about every little thing that happens between the two of you.

 

Just because I post doesn't mean I'm unsure. I'd like to hear other perspective on things. Are you bitter because you are an unhappy person?

[Drseussgrrl]

Just because I post doesn't mean I'm unsure. I'd like to hear other perspective on things. Are you bitter because you are an unhappy person?

 

Not bitter...?

 

Are you saying that everyone on this thread is bitter? Because we're all saying the same thing.

[Imajerk17]

The FIRST hiccup? After literally 30 threads?

 

I wonder what the first cough will be like!

[iris219]

If you were so sure about things I don't think you'd need to create several threads a week about every little thing that happens between the two of you.

 

I think the OP is just really excited. I hope things work out for him. Him and his gf seem compatible, even if their courtship seems unorthodox based on the speed at which they moved.

 

OP, understand that as outsiders looking in, some of the details of your relationship seem like red flags; however, only you know for sure if they are indeed things to be concerned about.

 

I started dating my bf right after he separated from his wife. Common LS advice is to never, never date a newly separated man. I understand why that advice is given. However, after nearly 7 months together we are better than ever. Only you can decide what right for you in your relationship.

[KungFuJoe]

I get the feeling that both op and his gf are codependent. From op's frantic posting style and the fact that he latched on to his gf so quickly, from the fact that his gf wasn't able to let a guy for years even though it was obvious he didn't want her.

 

From what I've read, when two codependents get together, they form a QUICK and passionate bond...but it's a very volatile bond...with lots of misunderstandings, hurt feelings and overall "disturbances". Basically, it's not exactly "smooth sailing".

 

And it definitely seems to be the case from the threads op has posted.

[BluEyeL]

"Your cock is bigger", Jeez, how classy!! Why did she feel the need to share that whole story?This lady overshares way too much, and the OP is always in this emotional high state, seems almost like a manic state.

 

You two have been dating for the exact same amount of time as me and my current guy and we haven't even had sex yet after 11 dates, talk about speed differences.

[RebelWithoutACause]

 

Here is the kicker.... he contacted her last week before the long weekend. Same routine. But this time, she told him about me, and that I was THE ONE she had been waiting for. He freaked out. I mean, he became aggressive, mean and defensive. He told her to dump me so they could get married immediately. She said HELL NO! Not gonna be friends anymore because this is a toxic "relationship" they have had for almost 4 years. He continued to flip out, and said, "I bet you I'm taller and better looking than this new guy (me)". She responded, "you may be taller". Finally, she told him that she wants a future with me, and that she and I have lots planned for our future....as a family.

 

I was glad she came forward and told me everything honestly. She didn't have to disclose anything, but she chose to. She said she never wants to hide anything from me. I trust that she loves me as much as I love her. She tried her best to make me feel secure. She even told me, "Your cock is way bigger than his!" I was like, "I don't want to know stuff like this!!" I have to admit, after she told me this Saturday night, I couldn't sleep. I was afraid the other dude would eventually come back. He lost her because he couldn't commit, and not because of anything incompatible. I was having a hard time. On Sunday night, she sensed that I was uncomfortable, so she told me that even if I never showed up in her life, she would reject him...because she eventually realized that his non-committal ways were a character flaw, and that it made him less of a man than she wanted. This man behaved exactly the way her ex-husband behaved. They were together since she was 16, and after 11 years of dating, her ex-husband still would not marry her, until she threatened to leave him. This past relationship reminded her so much of the pain, and she clearly would not want that ever again.

 

And all of this after only 6 weeks? Both of you must really love basking in the unnecessary drama...

[Star Gazer]

Not addicted to anything extraordinary. None of the "Rules" apply to us really. I mean, how often do you see two people at age 38 who were previously with the same spouse for 15+ years? Clearly she and I are on the same wavelength in terms of commitment. None of the habitual dating rules apply.

 

The "rules" apply to everyone.

 

No matter how strong a connection you think you have, no matter how long your previous relationships/experience, getting to know another human being cannot be forced or rushed. Building a lasting relationship requires TIME and a strong foundation that just cannot be rushed.

 

But you went ahead and laid your concrete on the second day. It's built on sand.

[Divasu]

And, this is why it is sometimes better, not to disclose every detail about people from one's past. Most people can't handle it. That's fine.

 

If it brings you anxiety, to the extent where you "can't sleep", your best course of action would be to dial back on the 'my partner and I tell each other everything' routine. As long as she is faithful to you, stop talking about things that bring you anxiety.