just found out i am the other guy

[somebodyelse]

ok, I live in South America (from the states), I have been seeing a girl since mid-february. our relationship has had some ups and downs but the last month or so its been going really nice. some of the ups and downs had been due to some frustrations and confusing things for me, namely her not wanting to tell her mother, not have facebook pictures together, etc....now we had talked about his and I accepted her explanations that she wasn't comfortable until she knew it would last a long time. (Note that at least surface level, things are more traditional here). She also lives with her mother still at 26 (again very common here, most women and really men as well don't move out until they are married, and well some still don't).

 

well those insecurities try as I did to work through them turned out to be grounded. she revealed to me on wednesday that she has been in a relationship with another foreigner (from Europe) for three years. Now, she said she has not seen this person since we have been together (which I believe as we have been together near constantly). The whole thing was really bizarre for me, I mean even the way she described it. She said she loves me and wants to be with me but "hay un compromiso" (spanish essentially for there's a commitment), her family knows this person, and ending it could have severe consequences for her. She also said this person has the ability to change her life (basically he has money) and that they already have plans and proyectos (projects).

 

at first she told me she was not willing to leave this person. She used the words I want to but can't and the fear of consequences with her family, and of losing what would essentially be future economic security. Those certainly are understandable. I was not happy and told her that she would have to choose, and that leaving this person was the only way she could continue to be a part of my life and that she would have to accept that I couldn't replace those promises, that I really couldn't promise her anything but that I would be honest and if we made the decision to continue together I would try, but that both the future of the relationship and a possible future in terms of economics was not possible for me to promise so I wouldn't do it. I did assure her that we would be in a relationship and it wasn't something I would leave on a whim and that a potential future would be something we would construct and build together once we were there. (This is only 5 months, and although I was getting close to being ready to begin talking in a non-serious but seeing how compatible we are way about a potential future, there already was a need for more time).

 

anyway the next night she was waiting for me when I got home and told me that she would end it with this person, that she was sure she wanted to be with me and although it would be difficult and it wasn't something she could do in just a day or two she would do it.

 

It's been a few days, I have obviously been spinning with confusion and doubt and inner conflict, although its gotten better. We have only spoken once and she said she is still sure of her decision but has not begun to do what she needs to do although she did say that she has spent all her days thinking about me, the pain she caused me (and she was very apologetic) and thinking about how she will go through with it all.

 

I'm at a lost here. I really care about her and as I said I was getting to the point where I was ready to begin thinking together about what a future could/would be like. But I am not ready to commit for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like I should just break it off entirely (honestly the odds of this succeeding are low, and it may ultimately save us both a lot of heartbreak), if I should set a timetable for when she needs to be out of the other relationship, if I should leave this totally in her hands and not have this be a she leaves him then we are together immediately thing but a decision that she makes for herself (and I have been very clear that while it means a lot to me that she feels bad and recognizes she hurt me, this has to be a decision she makes for herself not for me and I have talked about the importance that this cannot be something that she resents me for later).

 

Would love some insight on what to do now. As it stands now I've been very clear that we cannot see each other and I do not plan to contact her again until she is truly available and out of the other relationship and then we will begin to pick up the pieces. Her going through all the of difficulty that entails is fundamental to rebuilding trust between us. Is this the right approach? If she does go through with it all, how should I proceed? Obviously we can't just pick right back up where we left off. We had plans to spend a weekend vacation together next month, something that I had really invested money and planning in. I would hate to do that alone, but I am thinking that perhaps telling her that we will not be together for the immediate future would be better. Again, while of course I want her to choose to be with me, this needs to be a decision she makes for herself, and perhaps not being with the other person needs to be a sole decision in itself and not one that also has the specter of losing me hanging over it. (this is of course not something I want to do, I want to be with her)

 

Any insight I appreciate. My head's slowed down but is still spinning a bit.

[JustAReformedGirl]

In your shoes, my head would be reeling, too.

 

Why did she end up with you, when she's already committed to this European guy with money? I'd be asking her that question; if she knew that being with him was her best choice financially, why did she end up with you.

 

Do I agree with her being with him just for his money? No. I couldn't do it, myself. If I'm with someone, it's for love, nothing more, nothing less.

 

Is she only supposed to be with this guy due to pressure from her family?

 

In any regard, I'd be angry about her hiding this from you for the last five months. If you want a chance with her-a real, legit chance-set a time line for this. If you leave it to her, she'll never get around to making up her own mind. She'll sit in a pool of indecision for a long time, without a specified time frame.

 

If you don't feel this will work out in the long run, cut your losses. The sooner, the better; the longer you wait, the more it will hurt you both, down the line.

 

But, the choice is yours. If you want to be with her, set a time, like I said. If she never commits to being with you over this financially secure guy, then there's nothing you can really do. For the record, I'm sorry you've wound up in this situation.

[somebodyelse]

all logic tells me the same 2long. she told me that when our relationship began she never thought it would go anywhere and that it has and that she feels worse for having lied to me and that she's sure what she wants is me.

 

this is what im most sure of, that for her she's got two big fears one is losing what at least appear to be from what she said firm plans (i don't know the details) and the other is losing me. based on what she has said and how i feel, I think she truly has strong feelings for me, as there has been times when she could have ended this with total normal justification (fights we had). also while i am hurt a lot, the truth is she did finally come clean, honestly she probably could have kept this up (i hate to say that but I acknowledge it).

 

for me I really fear losing her too. i mean on the one hand she says she's willing to walk away from all of that for me, that is in many ways very moving. i also do fear if these are things that can ultimately be worked out in ways that will allow us to have a positive relationship.

 

a big thing for me the last few days has been the unclarity and bizarreness of it all. the only real close friend I have felt comfortable talking about it with advised that he would really need to know more about this other relationship. would it be unreasonable to expect that? honestly the truth about that is something that would be helpful, its something i feel like i need to understand.

[Pierre]

all logic tells me the same 2long. she told me that when our relationship began she never thought it would go anywhere and that it has and that she feels worse for having lied to me and that she's sure what she wants is me.

 

this is what im most sure of, that for her she's got two big fears one is losing what at least appear to be from what she said firm plans (i don't know the details) and the other is losing me. based on what she has said and how i feel, I think she truly has strong feelings for me, as there has been times when she could have ended this with total normal justification (fights we had). also while i am hurt a lot, the truth is she did finally come clean, honestly she probably could have kept this up (i hate to say that but I acknowledge it).

 

for me I really fear losing her too. i mean on the one hand she says she's willing to walk away from all of that for me, that is in many ways very moving. i also do fear if these are things that can ultimately be worked out in ways that will allow us to have a positive relationship.

 

a big thing for me the last few days has been the unclarity and bizarreness of it all. the only real close friend I have felt comfortable talking about it with advised that he would really need to know more about this other relationship. would it be unreasonable to expect that? honestly the truth about that is something that would be helpful, its something i feel like i need to understand.

 

It goes to show that North Americans and South Americans cheat in exactly the same manner. Run for the hills, has done you a great favor by waving this gigantic flag.

 

GO meet other señoritas and have fun.:cool:

[somebodyelse]

well, not sure still about anything. im pretty paralyzed. im going to take some time over at least the next day and really ask myself the tough questions, like why i want to be with her, how would it possibly look, etc (Again theres a lot of stuff not including this, lack of time together, being from different countries and cultures).

 

in the meantime its her move, i mean she has to go through with everything for there to be a possibility. the no contact even for two days has been rough, mostly due to the fact that when she told me she would end it with this person, well i was ok, but the fact that its been a few days and she hasnt worries me. i dont want to be controlling and set a ultimatum, but i do feel like if she hasnt broken the nocontact by thursday (that would be one week for her to do what she needs to do) i will and move on.

 

any maybe hopeful advice on it working out? I know im asking for what I want to hear and tahts not so great, but man its rough. had felt really good aboutthis one

[The Way I Am]

The way you've described it, her relationship sounds like an arrangement to support her family. Is it an actual romantic relationship or is it a commitment that she made with no mutual romantic feelings at the insistence of her family?

[Pierre]

The way you've described it, her relationship sounds like an arrangement to support her family. Is it an actual romantic relationship or is it a commitment that she made with no mutual romantic feelings at the insistence of her family?

 

Arranged marriages is not part of the culture there. Sure, wealthy families marry into other wealthy families, but the women have choice. I think the lady is lying to the OP.

[somebodyelse]

guys i appreciate the comments. after a bit of drinking tonight I feel pretty sure that this has to end. maybe there will one day be a future but I am really uncomfortable with everything. I finally talked to my roommate about everything who is probably the person im closest to her but far from super close to.

 

i have no idea about the situation with this guy, how did they meet, what the deal is, what the heck happened. any future is fully dependent on understanding that situation completely. but im not sure if i even want to go down that road. im fing lost to be honest, lost in ways i never thought was possible, completely disillusioned, everything. trust me im controlling counter urges of just ending it over email or contacting her and seeing if she's started the ending it process. i know ive been drinking and cant take anything i say back and ive been venting about it (which has been quite healthy although I havent been the nicest, but not so much about her as other people and i guess the country where the other guy is from). as hard as it is to say it, i still have no desire to do anything malicious to her, to hurt her in any way. and to be frank im still scared to go through with what i think i need to do, with my own second guesses an regrets.

 

f it, this messed up world, this messed up country. part of me feels like as much as my home country (the states) is messed up, man i dont know if i can do it anymore here, and i do realize a good part of the messedupness is due to the states. man disappointing is all i have to say, about everything.

[The Way I Am]

Arranged marriages is not part of the culture there. Sure, wealthy families marry into other wealthy families, but the women have choice. I think the lady is lying to the OP.

 

I didn't say arranged married. I said an arrangement to support her family. I know South American culture doesn't have arranged marriages, but generally, they're very loyal to their family, and children are expected to take care of their parents in their old age. I was wondering if her family doesn't have money and so she feels obligated to marry someone her family set her up with in order to take care of them. The way it was described as having severe consequences for breaking it off and the money changing her life suggests her family is not well off. And the severe consequences might have to do with her family. But I don't know if that has anything to do with it, so I asked.

 

somebodyelse, good luck. I agree with you on walking away. I don't care for so much complication and baggage at the start of a relationship. I'm surprised by your decision though. Usually people asking for advice on LS are difficult to convince to let go and move on.

[somebodyelse]

trust me, im far from convinced....im just really leery and feel I am growing more so. i mean, its been 5 days and as far as I know she hasn't been able to do anything.

 

as far as her situation, man I really don't know. It sounds like a big part of it has to do with setting up a better economic situation for her and her family. They are not well off, while they are not dirt poor, they nor she is well off. Which actually makes me angrier about the whole thing. I mean, a few weeks ago she had no money to even take the bus home (her job hadn't paid her for two months). Meanwhile theres a rich dude far away who has promised her all this stuff, but hasn't actually come through on it? All very disconcerting and in many ways those things I guess have played into why I have not walked away yet. I mean in many ways its clear to me she's really lost emotionally herself and to me it sounds like she really may be being played totally by this other person as well. I mean its one thing to have a long distance relationship, its completely another to make promises and commitments, go through with meeting the family and having them know about those and then hold out for years.

[almond]

I would stop worrying about her, this other guy, their arrangement, the family's financial situation etc. Not only is it purely speculation, but I feel it is also irrelevant.

 

You have been lied to for five months. She also appears to be using this other man.

 

You need to focus on the impact it has had upon you, and also whether or not a future relationship is able to be healthy and sustainable after such a massive deception and breach of trust.

 

She may be a lovely girl, but five months is still honeymoon period. If she is willing to commit to a man for money, while cheating on him for five months, what happens if you stay together, she decides to do this again down the line, leaving you behind? What happens when the honeymoon period is over, and she wants financial security again? Obviously this is far from a certainty, but something to have a think about. Will this be something that you fear? Is it worth entering into a relationship that will almost guarantee some level of paranoia and insecurity?

 

Personally, I would walk. It's still early days, and you can recover from this with relative ease. I feel that continuing with this relationship is too much of a risk.

 

Good luck.

[somebodyelse]

and to add to that there has been a nagging question mark the whole time about the lifestyle she seems to want and like given her situation. I mean, she wants to go to expensive places, she likes to order expensive things. I think in many ways her whole idea of a relationship has been totally convoluted as in one person gives the other everything. trust me, this has been a source of frustration and conflict in our relationship so far. she said to me that she's never had a boyfriend who didn't pay for everything up to her taxi there and home again. and while of course when I invited her to do things, I paid, I didn't pay for her transportation although there has been maybe 2 or 3 times when I paid for her to take a taxi instead of the bus at night to help ensure she got home safe when she didn't have the money too. that for me was all part of at least seeing taht she was giving something to the relationship, that it wasn't just take take take and accept accept accept from me. and that's not all just money related. in fact there were things she did at the start like bring me lunch from home one day that meant the world to me, because that represented that ok maybe you don't have the money to invite me out to a restaurant but the thought was there. but things like ordering the most expensive thing on the menu for example at the bowling alley had gotten to me a bit. given the situation that has come to light, that is another complicating question and factor, what are her real intentions in any relationship? what does she really value? I think she's confused on all that and was in many ways handed a dream by this other person and has been in fantasy land ever since. I think she was lonely when we met and although she says now she never thought it would go anywhere, i think she is still largely in fantasy land but a different one now where its been me fulfilling her needs both emotionally and sexually. I mean I have gone out of my way trying to help her find a good job (I am an English teacher here, she is a preschool teacher), trying to help her work through how she was being treated where she was, I've been willing this whole time to work with her on her English I just wanted to see her take the initiative on it (She's studied it but has a lot of work to do still).

 

That's what's honestly so frustrating about this whole thing as while I have really been utterly wholesome (lack fo a better word) in this whole thing. turning down invitations from other girls and while I didn't rush into oh my god I love you, I have been exclusively focused on her and our relationship. Obviously she never has been.

 

I guess one of the biggest fears I have is if this should continue, what am I really and what will I be in a few months? I feel that her previous relationship at least from an emotional connection, real love connection is definitely lost, over, kaput, no doubt about that. And I do believe her when she says she loves me or at least I believe that she thinks that, but in some ways I wonder if I'm just the exit, the step out, the wake up call. When the infatuation wears off and guilt and doubts start to eat at her, is she still going to feel that way. I worry a lto about future resentment and told her that that would have no place in a future between us, not even one time would she be able to say she sacrificed for me, because had I known from the beginning I would have never asked her to, I would have never pursued her.

 

I think honestly this is where I stand, Thursday will be one week since she told me she had decided to be with me. That's going to be the unspoken time frame for me. If she still hasn't been able to take action, then she never will. Who knows? I may be making a huge mistake because if she goes through with that I'm roped into at least trying which I really felt like I was willing to do when she left here the other night as many second guesses as I have now. A lot of explanations and understanding still has to happen (which she knows and assured me when we spoke by text Saturday night that she was willing to clarify everything). I've been very clear that we cannot see or speak to each other until she has broken things off with the other person. And things continuing will be on my terms, including some that I don't think she will like and I will need real evidence that this person is out of her life and that she has been honest with him and with the people around her.

[somebodyelse]

thanks again guys, i just wrote a long email to her that I haven't sent yet but I am pretty sure I am after this post and a cigarette. God its hard, I want her in my arms and want to kiss her, want to make love with her but I think its the best thing to do. Her inaction these few days has caused me too much agony. I told her that the foundation is not there and that it cannot continue after laying out a lot of the questions and doubts I have and how I am feeling.

 

I have left open the possibility of a future but I told her that her first decision must be about her other relationship because where she messed up was not when she went out with me, it was when she didn't end that when she wasn't satisfied whether that was before we ever met or in the immediate beginning of us. I know she's scared, of losing the stuff this guy has promised (and what probably in all honesty was a love relationship at some point) as well as losing me and I just told her this is a decision she has to make independent of me. one of the things that sticks for me is that she told me how horrible she feels for doing this to me, and that that's what she feels worse about, and I realize that she cannot leave this guy out of pity for me. the whole thing began with perhaps at hte time subtle disrespect for me which has grown into a large disrespect.

 

Basically I said only after she has made that decision to continue and improve ro work out her relationship or to break it off can she truly be available to love me or anyone else and that that must happen independently, that she can't leave him to run to my arms.

 

not sure if im still not making a big mistake, sending this is probably going to be one of the rougher things ive done. what ifs will certainly nag me, i will really miss her but i think its for the best. and the truth is, if she really really wants this the way it would have to be for it to ever work, maybe this will spring her into action. i mean i think the saying goes you cant ever really miss something until you lose it. in a lot of ways im really hoping that will be what happens and if it does with time I would love to work something out from a good beginning with her, but if it doesn't then I will have to ride it out.

[BetrayedH]

Honestly, your email sounds like a mess. You would like to think you're putting your foot down but in reality, you're leaving the door open.

 

Leave her alone. Stop trying to influence the situation.

[The Way I Am]

I think you're making the best decision. But I hope you didn't send that email. I'd be surprised in anyone ever got a positive result out of a lengthy relationship email.

 

I think it comes off as needy and puts too much pressure on the other person.

 

If you haven't sent it yet, send her a brief message saying you're going to step back while she gets her situation in order. Don't write more than a few sentences.

[somebodyelse]

well the email was sent, and yea it was needy. part of it is being able to take the time to say everything in spanish calmly too. i mean there are times when the language alone and trying to express deep things is really frustrating. its done, im not worried about it.

 

she immediately began messaging me, i guess in many ways i wasnt ready to walk away. she said she wanted to talk, i told her she needs to take time to think but she was insistent and really ticked me off talking about how difficult it was for her and how much pain she had and she had been in a living hell the last few days. I was not going to let her play the victim here, i told her well that's where ive been too. i told her she needed to think and make decisions, she said she would never be able to make a sure decision, so i told her ok ill make this easier for you we will meet on friday and you have to have made a decision and taken action. if that decision is to end your previous relationship so taht you can truly be available to fall in love with someone else, then you need to do it and be able to show evidence that you did. I then reiterated that that would not mean we would just immediately be back together, that she would surely have things she needs to fix and pieces to pick up and put in order and that she would need to be the person to do that.

 

and that's really where I stand, things still aren't clear but the only way theres any chance of this working out is if she becomes truly single with no guarantee. truly recognizing where she screwed up and workign to move past it is what she has to do. ive accepted that this may not and in all honestly probably will not work out and well a bummer but I feel good knowing that ive put everything i could into at least giving it a possibility, as stupid as that may be in the long run.

[somebodyelse]

and honestly the email may not have been the smartest thing but i felt better all afternoon and was finally able to start feeling like more of myself at work...if i lost some alpha points then well hopefully i can earn em back one day

[BetrayedH]

I'm not so concerned that you "looked" needy as much as I am concerned that you "are" needy.

 

This woman is not some dainty flower that can't make decisions. She's an adult that has made some piss-poor decisions, lying to you for the duration of your relationship, lying to her family, and betraying her BF. If she's ready to make a course correction, so be it. But until she does, you shouldn't be needy for her at all.

 

All that said, I think the fact that you've given an ultimatum is a positive step. Too many OM/OW sit idly by and wait for ridiculous periods of time for their significant other to break off a relationship with someone else. It's not something that's healthy to accept. Don't accept less than you are worth.

 

I hope you're ready to stick to that ultimatum on Friday because I expect you're going to get more indecisiveness. Hell, she's already told you she may never be able to make a decision. That would have been enough for me.

[The Way I Am]

I could care less if you're behaving by some sort of "alpha" code. But getting all needy and having long dramatic discussions isn't likely to move her into action or help you get over her. It's just going to keep drawing everything out and keep you entangled longer.

 

Before actually being with this girl (if it comes to that), you need to consider her character. If her relationship with her fiancé is a real romantic relationship, would you really want to be with someone who might do the same to you? Do you want someone who expects you to pay for everything and orders the most expensive things?

 

A friend of mine has a wife who makes him miserable constantly causing drama and spending more money than he can afford on designer cr*p. An old boss couldn't retire when he wanted because his wife had expensive habits and racked up too much debt. Is that what you want?

[somebodyelse]

you're right....and a big thing for me will be a full explanation of the other relationship, its something i really need to understand. after all this yesterday, she changed her whatsapp picture to one of the two of us. i mean there's tons of questions taht need to be answered there, i mean how are you in a relationship for 3 years and you don't talk all the flipping time? she's constantly talking to cousins and im pretty sure her brother as well on there. and while i highly doubt this situation was arraigned (they are not two rich families) it is pretty much standard operating procedure for the daughters to be controlled.

 

to be honest im still back and forth, earlier today i was thinking I would just call her and tell her that there was no place for her in my life, but then i just dont want to go through with it. i mean she is stunning and i dont mean supermodel body stunning, i mean just so pretty stunning. she's also except for a few times where we've had our spats really fun to be around.

 

this is my last post here because while venting has helped i realize this is a decision i have to make myself.

[BetrayedH]

Hey don't be scarce. We'd like 2 hear how things go.

 

We could be all wrong, but even if we're not, it always was your decision 2 make. I hope things work out for both of you (2gether or apart).

 

Just do your best not 2 be overwhelmed by your emotions. Think with your head as much as you can.

 

-ol' 2long

 

I agree with 2long on that last statement, big time. Do your best to make decisions with your head rather than your heart. It's the wisest advice I got in my "shock" phase.

 

And I agree with him about wishing you the best outcome, whatever it may be.

[somebodyelse]

well i for sure always intended to post eventually what the resolution was, and surely i will read things again. i've been using this as an outlet but it has played a role in me being unable to gain full control of my emotions i think. even though actually ive handled this i think fairly well at least externally.

 

one of the biggest sticking point for me is she came back the next night. the first night my knee jerk reaction was while i can't promise you anything about the future im ready to try this and forgive you if you leave this other person immediately. she said she couldn't and while still wanting to hug and kiss me and cry, she left. and honestly that was it. she was immediately messaging me telling me how sorry she was for all the pain she was causing me, i told her the only entrance back into my life was ending the other relationship.

 

and she came back the next night. waited for me when i got home i had another commitment for an hour, she waited through that, she waited while i showered (hey i live in the caribbean before a talk like that at 9:30 at night the sweat has got to go). and she told me she was willing to go through with everything and that she wanted to be with me. and she did say it would take her time.

 

i dont know what she's been thinking this whole time to be honest. she told me this person is coming some time in the near future and that eventually this situation would have to end in some way (the first night). while in many ways i do feel quite used and taken advantage of, i mean even though it took me calling her on strange behavior, she on some level did finally accept the utter terribleness of what she had been doing. i still feel in many ways she had rationalized it all too easily (oh she was alone, gringo teachers have a reputation for sleeping around, she never thought this would go anywhere and especially she would never come to have romantic feelings). while all of that really calls into question her character, i do see that she didn't play this until the bitter end though. she's been very apologetic and has told me that she never intended to hurt me but that she "intensely wanted to live all the beautiful things we were living." while i recognize that a big part of this was filling a void for her and of course she didnt want it to end because that would mean going back to being alone and in what is clearly at most levels an unsatisfying relationship, i also dont get the sense she would have had much trouble finding another interested guy. and she did tell me that never having had a boyfriend who didn't pay for everything up to her taxi there and back, that she was happy to pay for her transportation herself and take an hour plus long bus ride (she lives on the other side of the city) to come and be with me. and we have had talks about money, and i've told her that if i invite you to do something, yea im paying, but if we happen to be out with friends or something i appreciate you picking up your part. that's really only happened or had the opportunity to happen once since then, but she did pay for a couple beers one night when she just happened to be close to where i work and asked if i wanted to meet her for a bit. that aspect is also totally muddled because she didn't have a job when we met and she was finally paid for both april and may at the start of june (this is the kind of crap that happens too often here) and her salary was a joke anyway. she has since left that job so in some ways i mean, she hasn't had any money really to contribute.

 

anyway i tried to point out some of the things that do make me think ok, she f*ed up here big time, and what she did was totally wrong. but they are the things that make me feel like forgiveness is possible and perhaps this is something different for her.

 

now, im not going to post again at least until this meeting happens friday. i would gladly read more comments though, especially reactions to the points i made here as being signs for potential.

[BetrayedH]

Sounds like a reasonable stance to me. That's provided that you stick to your guns about not being involved with her (at all) until such time as she has broken it off with the other guy. In particular, I appreciate that you're not offering cheap forgiveness even if she does break it off with him. She needs to reearn trust.

 

What bothers me the most is this mysterious request for time. It's a classic cheater's tactic and it shows a lack of maturity. Even now that she's "seen the light" or whatever, she can't make an adult and rational decision to be upfront and honest with all of the parties involved. She's got some serious growing up to do. So far it's a bunch of junior high school drama. I don't even see why you need to meet with her on Friday. She either breaks up with the guy and tells you or you have no reason to see her. That's a healthy boundary. Speaking from experience, you shouldn't expect that you'll somehow be her white knight that shows her the correct and true path. Who she really is may come back to bite you in the arse and it could happen when you've invested many more years and potentially a marriage with children. If she's not prepared to take immediate and decisive action on Friday, I hope you drop her like a hot rock. You've already created this deadline. If you move it, you're doomed to keep repeating that cycle. Further, I would suspect that you'll have advertised to her that you're willing to tolerate some pretty crappy treatment and so she'll feel more free to dole it out to you in the future. Next time, she'll expect your patience and forgiveness for cheating ON you instead of just with you.

Edited July 11, 2013 by BetrayedH

[somebodyelse]

well guys, this is where things stand now. i was having real doubts about going through with meeting on friday, but was planning on doing it. She told me she was sick and wanted to meet on Saturday. I asked her if she had taken action, she said had but that had not included ending the other relationship totally.

 

So I sent her a message where I told her I was going forward without her that I didnt see a great resolution in all this. This prompted a bunch of messages back and forth Thursday night (which was not very mature on my part, but it is what it is). She told me she had talked to this other person monday and told him things were not ok in the relationship, that she was lonely, etc. She essentially told me that it didn't seem alright to just out and say I've been seeing someone else this whole time that apparently everything's been ok. I told her that that was not acceptable, that she had to be totally honest, that that was the first step for me and a sign that she's learned something from all this. She for a while played the you don't want to understand me and you're never going to trust me again card. I made it clear that she could not play the victim here, that she's in this situation due to her own choices.

 

Anyway, Friday morning I sent her a message that said that up until now she had said she was sure what she wanted but had not gone through with what she needed to do. That being 100% honest with everyone involved was always the first step for me and that I had been clear on that and the fact that it was on her to rebuild trust and that started with clear evidence she had taken that first step. I said that while I had originally said Thursday, she had asked for Friday because she had something to do Thursday and I accepted, and now she was asking for Saturday and I wasn't willing to give that. I said that until she is able to show evidence, I was going to do what I said I would which was continue my life without her.

 

Friday was an up and down day, I actually felt pretty good all morning and even told a few people I was single. The afternoon evening I felt bad due to the way I had been treating my body this past week (started changing that today).

 

Friday night she messaged me and said she had gone through with ending the other relationship and she was willing to show me what she had sent. The other person hadn't responded yet though, she assumed he hadn't seen it. I said that was good that she was doing what she says she wants and that I felt like the next few days were going to be a time where she needed to work through that process alone without more pressure from me and I encouraged her to make sure she has a friend to speak with for support (she told me she had a cousin she could talk to anything about).

 

So, it looks like we will be giving this a shot to work out with us together. Obviously the breakup has to play out (I don't think the other person is just going to say, oh ok, no problem, have a nice life). We will also still need to do a lot of talking and a lot of determining how we move forward in a positive way for both of us.

 

Maybe I'm making a huge mistake, but I feel as good about things as I have through all of this. Honestly last night I was having serious doubts about my ability to move on, but I knew it would have to come down to her actions.

 

Advice on how to move forward? I think it will be a slow, long, day by day process. I realize I'm going to have to temper my expectations a little. I want to go back to this being fun (isn't that the point anyway) and if things grow in the right ways then perhaps something more serious can begin to form again.

[BetrayedH]

I think you did fairly well sticking to your requirements.

 

It's disappointing how much arm-twisting you had to do in order to get her to do the right thing. It doesn't make things look promising. I think you were a little desperate to make things work and she's managed to meet the minimum expectations. That makes it hard to celebrate.

 

I think my hope is that you follow-thru on your last paragraph that discussed how "maybe" you could move forward "if" things continue on the right path, etc.. She really does have a lot of rebuilding of trust to do. This is the beginning of that process, not the end. This is a really shaky foundation to build upon and I hope you continue to view it with some skepticism. You are most certainly correct that she's not the victim here.

 

I would want to see what she wrote him as well as his response. My gut says that while you have now become option A for her, she'll continue to see her "ex" as option B. As a result, I bet she won't want to disclose any of this to her family. I hope you're not continually competing with a fantasy world where she has wealth, stability, and familial support with the plan B guy. She may not like it, but the fact is that she needs to be able to demonstrate a full commitment to you BEFORE you make a full commitment to her. That's a consequence of being a cheater. The onus is upon her to rebuild trust and to realize that there are no guarantees in the meantime. If she doesn't get that, then you should walk.