Still Searching Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 So, I posted a week or two ago, about my ex of 14 months, who several times now has called it off, only to say she'll try again. She called it off two weeks ago on a Tuesday, and without begging or saying much of anything, I promptly initiated NC. I could feel her pulling away/distancing herself a few days before this. Two days after she calls it off, I get a phone call, which I ignore. She leaves a voicemail, saying she knows I don't want to talk, but could I please call her back as soon as possible. I do, and she proceeds to tell me she's in town (she lives an hour away). I ask what for, she says to give me my key back, which I tell her is ridiculous, as she wasted her time driving, she should just throw it away. She's crying, and asks if she can come over to talk, which I (foolishly) agree to. I get an apology, and start to hear a lot of things that I wanted/needed to. Some realizations she's made, things she hasn't been doing and should have been, etc. Before it know it it's 11, and I let her spend the night. I felt "off" the entire time, all the way through the next morning. She's slightly offended by how I wasn't super excited to see her (can you blame me?) She made plans for the weekend with her mom during the two days we weren't talking, and asks if she can just have the weekend to herself, and sort some things out (both with herself, and some issues with her mom). She works in my town on Tuesdays, and always spends the night the night before to avoid the long drive in the morning. This particular week (last week), she had to work both Monday and Tuesday, and on any normal night, she'd come by me Sunday night and stay through Tuesday. Not the case this time, but whatever. She comes Monday, things go fine, and she agrees to seeing each other over the 4 day weekend for the 4th. These plans are a go as of noon on Wednesday, but shortly after, she cancels, saying she can't do it again. My 4th of July vacation was a nightmare (my own fault). She ends up coming over in the evening on the 4th, and we had a two hour discussion on some things. I had no plans for the fireworks, but she was going with her mom and cousin, who both guilt her a lot with things, like who she dates, and just how she lives her life in general. Long story short, she refuses to stick up for me, or us, to her friends or family, and says she's just not confrontational. Basically, she expects things to work themselves out without ever actually talking or discussing anything. The next two nights, she asks to see me, which I again foolishly agree to. She doesn't show up until 7:30 or 8 at night, with no real rush or enthusiasm to see me, and wants to go to bed by 10 both nights. Morning comes, she's awake for 10 minutes, and she's out the door. Yesterday I asked what her plans were, and she rattled off a bunch of stuff, no mention of me. Call me selfish, but she always planned around us, first figuring out what we were doing, and then if there was down time, she'd do something with her mom, or go see her grandma. I expressed my concern with her total lack of interest, and asked if she even wanted to do this anymore (she's previously said that yes, she wanted to work on and fix things). I was met with an, "I don't know...", which basically made up my mind. When she called in the afternoon, she said she wasn't going to do anything with her mom, because, "you'd only get an hour with me, and probably wouldn't like that." In the past, it would have been, "I'd only get an hour with you", or "We'd only get an hour together." I'm not stupid, nor do I think I read into it too much, but it seems you can tell when a person is checking out, just based on their words and actions. She wanted to take things slow, she said, and didn't want to have any serious discussions. Again, maybe I'm selfish, but if I'm going to work on things, I want to maintain the good, and work on correcting the bad, not reduce/mostly eliminate the good, and just ignore the bad and expect it to fix itself. I finally told her I was done with her going back and forth. Each time it happens, my friends, family, and her all respect me less, and I respect myself less as well. I told her I can't blame her for my feeling uneasy and unconfident, because it was me who let her keep doing it over and over. I'm not a perfect person, but I can honestly say I put 100% effort into this relationship, doing whatever I needed to to give her what she wanted/needed. Looking from the outside in, she never made any adjustments or changes for me, and I don't think I was asking for very much. Maybe it comes down to her being two years younger, with less maturity, and not over being selfish (she admitted to this), I don't know. Regardless, it's over, on my terms. I should feel good, but I don't. I realize I have no control over how she feels or what she does. I guess I begin NC yet again, this being day 1. I'm sorry for the long post, but it just helps to vent and get my thoughts out. I'll keep using this thread as my own little NC journal of sorts. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read or reply. It's much appreciated. If you need some more background info, check out my other threads...(I think there are only two).
Author Still Searching Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Today is day 2 of NC. Every time I go through this stuff, I tell myself I won't hear from her ever again, and yet I have. Part of me should want this time to be different, to not hear from her, and yet part of me is almost waiting, expecting the phone call or email. I wish I didn't feel that way. Of course I'm feeling the usual things, thinking the usual thoughts. I wonder if she even misses me, if she thinks of me, etc. The biggest thing is that I look at what I needed from her, and I think about how simple it is in my mind, and yet how she simply chose not to put forth any effort. Ugh...
Author Still Searching Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Today begins day 3 of NC. I thought I was doing alright yesterday, went to the gym after work, but when I got home to my apartment, I lost it. Coming home to an empty, cold, dark apartment was just plain depressing. I felt tears coming, and didn't fight them. Had myself a good cry. Not sure I feel much better this morning, but I guess there's no choice but to keep on "surviving". I try to focus on the negative, the reasons why I shouldn't want to be with my ex, and yet part of me just wants to hear from her, that she's finally willing to make an actual effort at working things out. I realize hoping and waiting for this is destructive and fruitless, but the thoughts exist, all the same. Where's the fast-forward button so I can just feel better already?
Exitleft Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 One day at a time, it will be a week before you know it
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