Goodbye Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 This is a topic that comes up from time to time, but I think it is important to keep it fresh. I'm compiling a list of things I do not miss about my R with the ex MM...it helps me to remember these things when I start to feel lonely and my mind starts to glorify the relationship. 1) Waiting for HIM to call on HIS terms, and the terms of his family. At my age, I shouldn't be waiting for someone to call. 2) Waiting for promised calls that never come because MM wasn't "able" to extract himself from his obligations to his wife and child. 3) Being second to someone's wife. Being second to a child is completely fine with me. 4) Being away with MM and having him go into the hallway to take a "business call" and you know he is talking to the wife. 5) Paying for everything so that the MM doesn't have charges on his credit cards that might be questioned by the wife. 6) Not being able to share the good and the bad about a relationship with anyone, because it will be judged. 7) Not being introduced to his friends and family. 8) Not being able to introduce him to my friends/family. 9) Receiving emails from a "secret" account. 10) Having plans cancelled because "something came up." 11) Worrying if something happened to him, I'd never find out. 12) Worrying if something happened to me, I'd be all alone. 13) Having hope stomped upon by MM's "future faking." 14) Feeling anger at MM and wanting revenge. It is not a good feeling to desire to hope someone else is suffering. 10
BrokenPrincess Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 *feeling terrified anytime my H wanted to use my phone *trying to coordinate work travel needs so we could meet in a neutral city *frustrating miscommunications from misinterpreting texts. And then only being able to clear it up with additional texts since we can't just call like normal people *never having enough time together 3
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Kudos for staying strong, and using these points to help you get over your ex MM. I think it will go a long way toward your healing process. You deserve better than to be second; not that you should come first to his wife, but because he future faked with you. I'm sure you will find someone single who meets your standards.
Author Goodbye Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Broken, I also had the frustration of trying to "create" trips together in neutral cities. It all was mentally exhausting, not to mention expensive. 1
tinker683 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 1) Having to keep everything a secret. I hated having to hide all of those feelings behind a mask when we were out with friends 2) Her managing down my expectations constantly due to her cake eating. 3) Her thinking it was perfectly acceptable that "quality time" was a 2-3 hour lunch date once a week. 4) Her seeming inability to own up to the consequences of her actions. There was always an excuse, a special plea, *SOMETHING* that always made her coming smelling like roses and me/something else was somehow responsible for the way things turned out. She never had any role in anything going sour, never at all! I'm sure there are more but I'm exhausted and these pretty much sum up my chief problems with the relationship. I miss talking to her and hanging out with her, but I'm really glad I don't have to deal with any of this bullsh*t anymore. 2
BruisedBNBroken Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Please keep them coming, reading this thread over and over will hopefully help break me out of my affair fog. 4
MissBee Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) Been out of the A for ages, but I can very much still remember and relate as I read. Some of these you posted I could have posted myself at the time: 3) Being second to someone's wife. Being second to a child is completely fine with me. 4) Being away with MM and having him go into the hallway to take a "business call" and you know he is talking to the wife. 11) Worrying if something happened to him, I'd never find out. 10) Having plans cancelled because "something came up." I always worried I'd be the last to know or I'd never know and if God forbid he passed away and I did know, my grief would never be properly handled as hers was...that scared me soooo much! Overall, I don't miss and cannot again sign up for a relationship in which I have to take into consideration his wife and marriage smh. Sorry. Some say it's no different than dating a guy with other obligations. My ass it isn't! It is. Granted, you can date a single guy who puts you on the back burner and never prioritizes you as well; but, that dude would get dumped! So why take that from a MM? No guy is that special. If for some reason I "had to" be in an A, it would have to be where it is an exit affair and there are expedient steps taken to transition or where it's totally FWB where I don't care what he does when he's not sleeping with me....but to sign up for one where I invest time and emotion, indefinitely; nope, never again. When I had my first real relationship post-A...it was such a breath of fresh air. It was like I forgot how relationships can be when they are open and you know for a fact you are the ONLY (not number one, as number one implies a queue) woman in his life. It was truly like I was marveling at everything again like wow, we can go to his mom's house for dinner??? Wow! I can go to his baby nephew's birthday party with his family??? Wow! When he can't do something I know it's not because he has a wife and kids to attend to in the primary compartment, but because he really can't and he is transparent about why and I don't need to be consumed with jealousy and feeling low because "her" feelings and "their life" is coming before "us"....WOW!I can sleep over his place at anytime and can proudly answer his door when the doorbell rings as there will be no one to hide from?? WOW! I can meet his son and we can all hang out and his son can hold my hand and tell his friend "This is my daddy's girlfriend, they're gonna get married!" cuuute lol, . We can talk about marriage and kids and if I get pregnant it won't be the end of the world where I have to work my baby into this secret life and against the disdain and backlash of his family??? WOWWWW! Yepp...it was such a contrast. I thought and believed I was important and a priority, and I was to an extent in the A, but there was always a but and a caveat. He wasn't even married and he didn't live with her most of the time so we didn't have to hide as a lot of people do...yet it was still restrictive and it wasn't until I had a new open relationship to compare it to that I really began to feel the weight of just how unnatural loving someone and attempting to have a real relationship within an A is. Edited July 8, 2013 by MissBee 4
Author Goodbye Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Please keep them coming, reading this thread over and over will hopefully help break me out of my affair fog. Not getting flowers sent on special dates/birthdays because of the whole credit card secrecy. Having him accidentally call me his wife's name. Having him disappear during a weekend together and realizing he bought his wife a gift at the pro shop. Seeing on FB that he was really with his wife when he claimed he was on a "guy's fishing trip." Having my daughter ask me why I'm upset and needing to lie to her because she has no idea about any relationship. Not being able to be the best mother possible because my heart and mind are caught up in the tearing emotions involved in the relationship.
So happy together Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I can't possibly be the only one who didn't have to deal with any of this stuff?
KathyM Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Good for you, for compiling that list. I think it helps to put these things (the negatives) down in writing to remind you of why that relationship was bad for you, and that you deserve so much better. 1
MissBee Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I can't possibly be the only one who didn't have to deal with any of this stuff? Rare is the person in an affair who experiences no difference or adversity because of the affair...rare indeed. But most people, even "happy OW", usually experience feelings of disappointment, jealousy, discontentment with being a secret, special arrangements or inconveniences etc. because it's an affair, that they wouldn't experience otherwise. People experience it to a lesser or greater extent. I think most people prefer a normal, out in the open R over an A, even for something simple as: I don't miss it being inconvenient. But on every OW board I've read on, most OW, even those staying put, usually vent and complain about certain annoyances or hurts that come as a result of the nature of their relationship and I'm sure they won't miss it if the relationship transitions. If you experienced nothing of the sort...that's amazing and good for you! 2
Author Goodbye Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I can't possibly be the only one who didn't have to deal with any of this stuff? Well, from what you've said, yours was an exit affair not kept in secret? Now your MM is a divorced man so it isn't really an affair? 2
Author Goodbye Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I just keeps coming.... I won't miss not being able to send him gifts to his home. I won't miss him telling me he is sleeping in the guest room but knowing he is probably with his wife. Not having any holidays with him. Constantly refraining from telling his wife everything even though she should know.
happy stillmore Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Being jealous of wife. Knowing she had the power because she knew him longest. Wishing you had met him first. Wife used their debt and grown children to guilt him him into staying. I don't miss pleading with MM to stand up for us. Then feeling down that he couldn't or wouldn't. Valentine's day was a day we planned to be together. He ended up getting a stomach bug and I actually was angry. I was frustrated with the fact that the earth and moon have to line up just right in order to spend a day together. I realized how twisted this situation was when I was more angry he was sick, than concerned. I don't miss wishing my life away. I wish MM was here to see this. I wish MM could be with me.....wish, wish, wish 1
So happy together Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Rare is the person in an affair who experiences no difference or adversity because of the affair...rare indeed. But most people, even "happy OW", usually experience feelings of disappointment, jealousy, discontentment with being a secret, special arrangements or inconveniences etc. because it's an affair, that they wouldn't experience otherwise. People experience it to a lesser or greater extent. I think most people prefer a normal, out in the open R over an A, even for something simple as: I don't miss it being inconvenient. But on every OW board I've read on, most OW, even those staying put, usually vent and complain about certain annoyances or hurts that come as a result of the nature of their relationship and I'm sure they won't miss it if the relationship transitions. If you experienced nothing of the sort...that's amazing and good for you! Thank you for the perspective. I wonder if I have forgotten some of the harder times...
wanting more Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 ... Going to the hospital knowing I'm having a miscarriage, and going alone because xMM is out of town and can't just come back home for "my" emergency ... Having surgery after my miscarriage and going thru it alone and lying to everyone about what the surgery is really about because no one knew I was pregnant except xMM. These were 2 of the loneliest times for me ever.
Author Goodbye Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Being jealous of wife. Knowing she had the power because she knew him longest. Wishing you had met him first. Wife used their debt and grown children to guilt him him into staying. I don't miss pleading with MM to stand up for us. Then feeling down that he couldn't or wouldn't. Valentine's day was a day we planned to be together. He ended up getting a stomach bug and I actually was angry. I was frustrated with the fact that the earth and moon have to line up just right in order to spend a day together. I realized how twisted this situation was when I was more angry he was sick, than concerned. I don't miss wishing my life away. I wish MM was here to see this. I wish MM could be with me.....wish, wish, wish I can relate to all of your points. Especially the pleading for MM to stand up for the relationship.
Sarabi Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 ... Going to the hospital knowing I'm having a miscarriage, and going alone because xMM is out of town and can't just come back home for "my" emergency ... Having surgery after my miscarriage and going thru it alone and lying to everyone about what the surgery is really about because no one knew I was pregnant except xMM. These were 2 of the loneliest times for me ever. Oh my I can't believe it. I am so sorry you went through all of this, let alone going through it alone Awful. Simply awful. I'm so so sorry ((((((((hugs)))))))) 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 ... Going to the hospital knowing I'm having a miscarriage, and going alone because xMM is out of town and can't just come back home for "my" emergency ... Having surgery after my miscarriage and going thru it alone and lying to everyone about what the surgery is really about because no one knew I was pregnant except xMM. These were 2 of the loneliest times for me ever. Been there exactly - done that - and when he found out I was pregnant and miscarried his child, he couldn't deal - he just told me to talk to my sister - he couldn't help me. Ass. 1
Author Goodbye Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 That is just awful. I had something a bit similar. During my last visit with exMM, I was in a city unfamiliar to me. The morning we were both to leave I spiked a fever and was having major abdominal pain. It turned out to be a kidney stone. The onset was around the time he was to get ready for the airport, and I could see he was stressed. He made the most half-hearted offer to go to the ER with me, and when I said I'd be ok, he immediately rushed off...I'm sure he was TERRIFIED he'd be stuck caring for me when he was due back home with the wife. I spent the day in the ER by myself and an extra night in the hotel, by myself. SO DEPRESSING. 1
wanting more Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Very tough time to deal with. I still remember the date i had the miscarriage and the date I was due. Those are still tough to handle. the due date was in June. It brings back the loss of my child. It brings back the complete loneliness I felt. THAT I don't miss at all!!!!
happy stillmore Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 My heart goes out to all who experienced this heartbreak. I'm sorry you didn't have someone to be there to support you through that hard time. If that wasn't an truth-telling moment, I don't know what is. We all deserve so much better. We have learned that we can survive tough times alone. We love ourselves too much to ever let ourselves enter into another relationship that isn't healthy for us. Hugs to you all. 5
MissBee Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) This is so true. I'm in my first post affair relationship. Sadly, the absolute openness and availability of this man has taken some time to get used to. I spend weekends at his house, have met his children, and have access to him at any time I want it. It's ridiculous but I don't hear these things from him...."someday, I wish, when we are together"....Blah blah. We talk about things, then we DO them. Novel concept. Yeppp! Yepp and Yeppp!!! I remember I'd just smile to myself about it, because I was truly taken aback sometimes that we didn't have to do any special planning, but he was there and available with no caveat and no need to explain it to anyone or plan specially, we could just unapologetically be. And yes, it felt so great that it wasn't just fantasy and wishes of "I wish I could... one day...I don't know when but soon" etc. It felt good not to have to wait for some other thing to happen or not happen, but we could make plans and actually do them and it felt so good that he planned me into his life, his WHOLE life, not just a piece of it where we had one life together, then he had another life, it felt so good to know I was always included openly and everyone who knew him knew he had a gf, which was me, and it just was a total different energy which the A couldn't compare to. I was more compatible with my exAP tbh, and wished sometimes that we could have had the openness and freedom my exbf and I had...but again...I was so over wishing. Edited July 9, 2013 by MissBee 2
seren Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Wanting More, I am so very sad to hear about your loss and that you had to go it alone. When I lost my baby I planted a rose bush in her memory, I sometimes talk to it and it is a tangent reminder of her, not that a reminder is needed. xx for you 2
LimeBlue Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 * him never bothering to wish me on my birthday, yet I always made notes of his important dates (birthday, meetings etc) and sent a text of support/wishes * going into hospital for a minor surgery and him forgetting I went in * being the one to often initiate contact first because he compartmentalized his life to such an extent that I clearly was forgotten (except when I was convenient) * him wanting me to move even though he knew I had no money or support, yet offered no assistance * the constant feeling of 'I wonder if it is ok to text him' because I never felt I could approach him whenever I needed or wanted to * knowing that I gave my all yet he was not there for me when I needed him because it was too much trouble 1
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