keithkat Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) I met my partner while we're both doing our solo travels. He's in his world-hitchhike adventure, and I was curious on how it's like, and he invited me to join him to see if hitchhiking is for me. I decided to go for it because it seemed like I am physically and emotionally safe with him (I didn't want to fall in love). After a few weeks, we eventually got intimate but still no strings attached. I left him a week after basically to run away and get a clear hold of my self. However i found myself missing him and and he said he missed me too so we joined forces again and travelled together for 2 more months. We got official during this "2nd" trip together and then I had to go home and he had to keep on travelling. We decided to keep a long distance relationship, and after several months of being away from each other, he finally booked a flight ticket to my place and we will be together in a few weeks to plan how to cut the distance between us for good. A few weeks ago, his ex-girlfriend added me, and I told him about it. I told him that if he still wants to get back with his ex, I'm fine with it. He then got disappointed saying that he was sure he wants to stay with me forever but it seemed that we aren't in the same page after all. That's when I got stirred up about our relationship. I thought we're doing fine until I started analysing the things which provoke me to say that maybe he still wants to go back with his ex. Just for the background, he was living with his ex for several years and was already like a family together although there's no child involved, around a month before he started his world travel, he told his ex about it. His ex said she'd wait for him for a year but he said not to wait for him anymore because he wants to travel for not just a year but several years. He said their relationship was already broken even before he left her. So they broke up the day he started his travels. He had experienced a lot during his travels and he said he was sure he already got over his ex after four months of travelling. And that if I break up with him now, he won't go back to his ex anyway. However, there are some things which made me think that maybe he still is not over his ex. 1.) He still wears this necklace with a half heart as a pendant given to him by his ex. He said it doesn't mean much to him anymore and it looks good on him so why not wear it. 2.) In his online profile (not fb), he only has solo pictures of himself and one picture with his ex. He said he put them up before he started travelling and said that a picture with a girl makes him more trustworthy that's why he put it. Also, when we were still travelling, I found this photos of his ex wearing lingerie in his memory card. 3.) He still has constant communication with his ex due to the fact that he made a joint bank account with her so that it would be easier for him to handle his finances, and the girl also helps him with his insurance, and other stuff. He said they only chat for official reasons. 4.) He said that she is a special person to him because they lived together for several years. 5.) He didn't tell her that he already has a girlfriend because he doesn't want to ruin what's going on between them now. He doesn't want her to be hurt. And when we were still travelling together, he told me he would also be hurt if his ex would get somebody else because they were together for so long. But when I confronted him about it recently he said it's not true. So these are the main reasons why I think he hasn't gotten over her yet. My boyfriend says that we may have spent only a few months together but it feels like we've already known each other for a long time. Maybe it's because we were always together 24/7 encountering different people and challenges, and just know a lot about each other's character. He said he's really sure he wants to be with me, and he's doing a lot of things to connect with me. He wants to be with me forever, and is always talking about his plans with me and our future together. However, I still couldn't help but doubt. :-/ I don't know if I should just break up with him or not. Can anyone help me clarify the situation? Thank you so much. Edited July 8, 2013 by keithkat
CA2TN4Love Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 How long has he been traveling for (i.e. broken up with his ex)? From what you've stated, it does sound like he has some strong feelings for his ex, especially considering that he hasn't told her about you and he has confessed that it would hurt him to know she's moved on. Why did he decide on this long hitchhiking trip and break up with his ex? How far away do you live from her? I'm a firm believer in the philosophy that actions speak louder than words. And when the actions don't match the words, that's when things become confusing. You listed quite a few items that give you pause in regards to your SO's potential feelings for his ex. We'll never be able to tell you whether or not he's over her, but his actions will. Pay attention to them. It almost seems like he doesn't want to burn the bridge with her (not wanting to tell her about you for fear that it would change their dynamic) so that she can remain an option. And what guy would tell you, "Oh yeah, if you and I don't work out, I'm totally running back to her." Dismiss the words and acknowledge his actions.
Chris516 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 This is treading the fine line, between jealousy of him, on your part(ladies first). Disrespect of you, on his part. I have marginal communications with my ex, but I rarely talk to her. I am head over heels about my SO, and I let her know it.
Author keithkat Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 How long has he been traveling for (i.e. broken up with his ex)? From what you've stated, it does sound like he has some strong feelings for his ex, especially considering that he hasn't told her about you and he has confessed that it would hurt him to know she's moved on. Why did he decide on this long hitchhiking trip and break up with his ex? How far away do you live from her? I'm a firm believer in the philosophy that actions speak louder than words. And when the actions don't match the words, that's when things become confusing. You listed quite a few items that give you pause in regards to your SO's potential feelings for his ex. We'll never be able to tell you whether or not he's over her, but his actions will. Pay attention to them. It almost seems like he doesn't want to burn the bridge with her (not wanting to tell her about you for fear that it would change their dynamic) so that she can remain an option. And what guy would tell you, "Oh yeah, if you and I don't work out, I'm totally running back to her." Dismiss the words and acknowledge his actions. Thank you for your reply. :-) He's been travelling for more than a year now, and he's plan was to travel for 3 years with no attachment involved. He's been with a lot of girls while travelling before we met, but it seems like I he's able to change his plans for me. He's actually willing to compromise his dreams (get into an exclusive ldr with me, giving up studying something somewhere if i wont go with him, going to my country which was out of his way, took really long (more than 24 hours) bus rides with me to catch my flight when he used to have this rule never to take a bus towards a certain direction, etc). I thought we will go separate ways if I don't take care of his plans and dreams but he said he's willing to give them all up because his greatest dream is to be with me. Since I have known him, I actually observed that he doesn't say things he doesn't mean. It took him a while to tell me "i love you". He told me if he only told really close people about us and if his ex would ask he would of course admit that he already has me. Should I just wait for him to come here, and observe more? If he's not my boyfriend he's like a best friend, and I don't want to change his plans and let him spend a lot of money on me when it seems like I'm not sure about this.
Author keithkat Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 This is treading the fine line, between jealousy of him, on your part(ladies first). Disrespect of you, on his part. I have marginal communications with my ex, but I rarely talk to her. I am head over heels about my SO, and I let her know it. Thank you for your reply. :-) Am I really jealous? Or am I just pointing out the things which make me doubt him? My boyfriend is very communicative and does a lot to make me feel loved. This is so far the best relationship I ever had. It's just that he began questioning me if I see forever in him, and I began to analyse things which make me doubt.
CA2TN4Love Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Should I just wait for him to come here, and observe more? If he's not my boyfriend he's like a best friend, and I don't want to change his plans and let him spend a lot of money on me when it seems like I'm not sure about this. So is it less about his possible residual feelings for his ex, and more about you not being sure about having a future with him? Based upon your response, it seems to me that he's shown you that he really cares about you by wanting to terminate his plans to travel in order to be with you. Do you want him to do that? Do you want to be with him daily and incorporate him into your life? By the way, if the ex doesn't know about you, why did she add you? Have you talked to her? It sounds like he's already made plans to come see you, so I would go forward with that and maybe you two can have a serious heart-to-heart and overcome the insecurity that you feel in regards to his ex. I do hope it works out, if that's what you want. =)
Author keithkat Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 So is it less about his possible residual feelings for his ex, and more about you not being sure about having a future with him? Based upon your response, it seems to me that he's shown you that he really cares about you by wanting to terminate his plans to travel in order to be with you. Do you want him to do that? Do you want to be with him daily and incorporate him into your life? By the way, if the ex doesn't know about you, why did she add you? Have you talked to her? It sounds like he's already made plans to come see you, so I would go forward with that and maybe you two can have a serious heart-to-heart and overcome the insecurity that you feel in regards to his ex. I do hope it works out, if that's what you want. =) Thank you again for your reply. :-D I think the issue is both our feelings. Hehe. I want him to be the best person that he can be. I don't like that he would just give up all his dreams for me. That's why I'm willing to compromise, too. I like the thought of waking up with him by my side although I'm not sure about forever. My boyfriend posted a lot of pictures of us together in his blog, and he posted a picture of us together on his facebook when one of our common friends requested it, and we get tagged by the people we meet along our travels. I just want him to get his true love, and I will get mine, too. I don't want to hold on something that is not mine. But he told me he didn't expect to meet his true love during his travels, but he did anyway.
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