yesterday2501 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 A few weeks ago, I met someone online. She's a bit younger than me, by about 6 years, but seems very well-spoken and mature. We started texting early on and found that we had a surprising amount in common. We kept in touch every day; good morning, good night, how's your day, that kind of thing, all good conversation, until our first date. From what I could tell, everything went really well. We had a nice dinner. I got the impression that she had all but given up on the online dating thing; she seemed really excited to meet someone like me who was intelligent and not sleazy, and she said she actually preferred guys who were older and more mature. She was pretty clear about what she wanted - a boyfriend, someone to share activities with, someone not clingy since she is busy quite a bit. Later, we went walking around town, holding hands, and then took a drive around the neighborhood in her car... well, getting stoned. We were laughing and talking, and then she reached over and grabbed my hand tight. At the end of the date, she asked what I was doing the next day, saying maybe we could hang out. I made a move and kissing turned into making out. It really seemed like there was a spark. Next day, I didn't hear from her much. She said she was meeting a friend she didn't get to see much and got tied up. As the week went on, I heard a lot less from her, which from experience, told me she probably lost interest. But she continued to initiate the texting all week, which confused me. By Friday, she was talking about hanging out and watching a show together that we both liked. So I figured I'd ask her if she was busy over the weekend, if maybe she'd want to do something together. Dead silence. Nothing the next day, either (this was this past Saturday, the holiday weekend). I texted her once to say "How's your day going?" Next day, still no response, but I noticed she was online on the dating site. I had noticed this earlier in the week and tried not to think about it, but on Sunday... I noticed she also blocked me. I was confused, and hurt since I really liked her. So unfortunately... I went full-on needy on her. I sent her a few texts. I told her I hadn't heard from her, wondering if I said something wrong, I didn't understand, etc. I also came clean about a personal tragedy that I figured she might have found out about by looking me up on Facebook, something that might have made me seem dishonest. I did not at all expect to hear back from her. To my surprise, later that night... I did. She said she was sorry about the personal thing, sorry for not getting back to me, and that I wasn't being clingy (Really? I was), and she still wanted to hang out and get to know me. We talked on into the night. She asked if I wanted to hang out at my place sometime this week. I told her I really felt like we might have something and she said it was a "possibility as we get to know each other more." Said goodnight and that was it. Now, I talked to my co-workers this morning (both female) and the consensus is this: she's crazy. She's addicted to attention and just stringing me along to make sure she keeps getting it. She's playing a game with me. This had not occurred to me until recently; she has seemed genuine and laid back. I attributed the sketchy contact to her being very busy and other things to her overthinking things, both of which she told me she was and did. Obviously, I overthink things, too... but they could be right. I just don't get the pattern. She keeps in touch, says she wants to hang out, disappears, seems like she's cutting contact, and then gets back in touch, apologizes, and puts me back on the hook. I got a really good feeling about this one, I really enjoyed meeting her and do feel like there was a connection. But I also don't want to get played with, disrespected. She didn't strike me as the type, but I've been wrong before. Opinions? I'm not texting her at this point, waiting for her to do that. If she wants to hang out, should I?
jphcbpa Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Maybe she is just busy. Perhaps you should back off a little with comments of "we might have something" Did you say you drove around and got stoned with her on a first date?
Author yesterday2501 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Yes. Yes I did. It was super fun. We're both down with "The Dude." And I told her I was sorry for seeming like a clingy idiot, that I'm in no rush.
InsaneTrombone Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) I just don't get the pattern. She keeps in touch, says she wants to hang out, disappears, seems like she's cutting contact, and then gets back in touch, apologizes, and puts me back on the hook. I'm dealing with the EXACT same thing right now. Distant with communication, apologizes later. Goes on date once a week have a good time, cuddle kiss makeout etc etc. Rinse and repeat this past 2 weeks. Edited July 8, 2013 by InsaneTrombone
clia Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Later, we went walking around town, holding hands, and then took a drive around the neighborhood in her car... well, getting stoned. Sounds safe. We were laughing and talking, and then she reached over and grabbed my hand tight. At the end of the date, she asked what I was doing the next day, saying maybe we could hang out. Okay, so she asked you out. What did you say? Next day, I didn't hear from her much. She said she was meeting a friend she didn't get to see much and got tied up. Okay, so she was busy and got tied up. As the week went on, I heard a lot less from her, which from experience, told me she probably lost interest. But she continued to initiate the texting all week, which confused me. These two sentences directly contradict each other. If she was initiating texting, I don't see why you thought she had lost interest. Why weren't you initiating any texting with her? By Friday, she was talking about hanging out and watching a show together that we both liked. So I figured I'd ask her if she was busy over the weekend, if maybe she'd want to do something together. So you texted with her all week, then waited until she suggested (for the second time now) hanging out, and then finally asked her out for the weekend (the holiday weekend no less) at the last possible minute. Awesome game, man. Dead silence. Nothing the next day, either (this was this past Saturday, the holiday weekend). I texted her once to say "How's your day going?" Next day, still no response, but I noticed she was online on the dating site. From what you've posted, you didn't seem to be expressing much interest in her. She initiated the texts, she suggested hanging out. You seem pretty passive. Asking her out on Friday for that weekend? I'd be turned off. I'm not really surprised she wasn't jumping to respond to you. Also, it was the holiday weekend. She was probably busy doing other things. To my surprise, later that night... I did. She said she was sorry about the personal thing, sorry for not getting back to me, and that I wasn't being clingy (Really? I was), and she still wanted to hang out and get to know me. Congratulations, you guilt tripped her into talking to you again. We talked on into the night. She asked if I wanted to hang out at my place sometime this week. I told her I really felt like we might have something and she said it was a "possibility as we get to know each other more." Said goodnight and that was it. What did you say when she asked you out (for now the third time)? Yes? So, when is your next date? I attributed the sketchy contact to her being very busy and other things to her overthinking things, both of which she told me she was and did. Obviously, I overthink things, too... but they could be right. I just don't get the pattern. She keeps in touch, says she wants to hang out, disappears, seems like she's cutting contact, and then gets back in touch, apologizes, and puts me back on the hook. Again with the contradictions. First you say the contact is sketchy, then you say she keeps in touch...which is it? How much contact are you expecting at this point, after one date? I'm not texting her at this point, waiting for her to do that. If she wants to hang out, should I? Oh, apparently you didn't take her up on her offer to hang out at your place, which by my count was the third time she had asked you to do something. Why not? What are you waiting for? How many times do you expect her to ask? I feel like I'm missing something here, because it sounds to me like you are the one playing her. From what you posted, she has been the one initiating all the texting, and she has suggested hanging out three times now and you haven't said yes. (???) What the heck do you expect her to think? No wonder she blocked you. Text her right now and ask her out for Wednesday or Thursday night.
Author yesterday2501 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I'm dealing with the EXACT same thing right now. Distant with communication, apologizes later. Goes on date once a week have a good time, cuddle kiss makeout etc etc. Rinse and repeat this past 2 weeks. Yes, that seems to be the pattern. I have another co-worker that thinks she's not necessarily crazy, but that she is busy and may be keeping her options open. Nothing much I can do at this point anyway except wait and see... just irks me, the idea that someone who seems really great could be playing me. I'll be honest, I'm good at relationships. I'm good at making someone feel comfortable and loved. But this does not translate at being good at dating because I tend to develop feelings of comfort and loyalty quickly and dating is a slow, awkward, feeling-out process. So one thing that's bugging me is it seems like I should have screwed this up already by being so forward, but still... here she is.
Author yesterday2501 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I feel like I'm missing something here, because it sounds to me like you are the one playing her. From what you posted, she has been the one initiating all the texting, and she has suggested hanging out three times now and you haven't said yes. (???) What the heck do you expect her to think? No wonder she blocked you. Text her right now and ask her out for Wednesday or Thursday night. Well, yes, you are missing some things. One, she didn't initiate contact every day of the week. Sometimes it was me. Two, I did say I would hang out with her the day after the first date. She more or less flaked out. Maybe for legit reasons, sure, but who knows. Three, I mentioned doing something on the weekend earlier in the week, which again, was met with silence. The conversations with this girl tend to drop out mid-way. Four, I did say that if she wanted to get together, Tuesday or Wednesday night would be best. I've been conditioned by a lot of other dating experience at this point to wait and let her come to me, because otherwise, I seem clingy and they get turned off fast. It's been the case with several other dates, all of which went really well, followed by a lack of interest and them eventually ignoring me. I guess that's just where my mind went. But you're right, maybe I did guilt trip her into getting back to me, though she didn't have to be so understanding and that still was no reason for her to reiterate interest in me if she wasn't feeling it.
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 First off, the first date was too much, too soon. In the future pace yourself and let the anticipation build up before you start making out like teenagers at the back seat of her car. First dates should be short and sweet. Second, you are way too worked up over someone you've just met. I know you felt a spark and this can exciting but you really need to get it together and stop over analyzing every little detail. Busy yourself with something more productive. There is nothing in your post to indicate she's "crazy". Her behavior is perfectly normal for someone who's put you on the backburner. She doesn't want to get rid of you completely because she probably enjoyed your company/attention but at this point is not interested enough to make you a priority. Follow her lead and treat her as someone you casually date from time to time. Who knows, it might lead somewhere further down the line. 1
Author yesterday2501 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 First off, the first date was too much, too soon. In the future pace yourself and let the anticipation build up before you start making out like teenagers at the back seat of her car. First dates should be short and sweet. Second, you are way too worked up over someone you've just met. I know you felt a spark and this can exciting but you really need to get it together and stop over analyzing every little detail. Busy yourself with something more productive. There is nothing in your post to indicate she's "crazy". Her behavior is perfectly normal for someone who's put you on the backburner. She doesn't want to get rid of you completely because she probably enjoyed your company/attention but at this point is not interested enough to make you a priority. Follow her lead and treat her as someone you casually date from time to time. Who knows, it might lead somewhere further down the line. That sounds mostly right, I'll admit. I don't necessarily feel like I forced the date that much; it was her suggestion that we go for a drive, and she did initiate some of the contact. The next day, I did text her to say that I hoped it wasn't too much/too weird and that she had a good time, to which she replied, "I had a great time!" But yes, I am analyzing way more than I have a right to. Chalk it up to being completely nuts (yes, I just admitted to being nuts in a thread where I question someone else's sanity). And as far as being more productive... well, I'm at a point in life where things are pretty mundane for me day-to-day. Dating has been one of the only things I have to keep me occupied! Very unhealthy, I know.
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Dating has been one of the only things I have to keep me occupied! Very unhealthy, I know. I personally don't date but from I've heard on here, the best way to avoid obsessing over someone is to multi-date. Start seeing other women and what's going on with this one will not seem like such a big deal. 1
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