Queen of Sheba Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Anyone got experience of WS who strayed due to questions to things they wanted answered that you as BS couldn't do at the time. Depression - started same time as starting affair. who knows what came first. But resulted in treating me without any consideration. He says not but has no evidence for this whilst have much! But I just know depression is complicated and a horrible disease and I know it presents itself as a selfish disease and people push loved ones away. This is what helps me to understand what went on but has anyone else got experience of this?
beach Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Seems like an easy excuse when the cheater won't take responsibility for his OWN bad behavior! Why not? It's easy to blame outside influences. Age? Did it keep him from getting older? Depressed? Did it cure his depression? Why accept unacceptable behavior masked as excuses? Until he admits it was selfish and completely destructive - he's got massive amounts of work to do to improve his perspective. He's not honest with himself or you! His big fat ego is still in his way of finding out his truth. You can't do it for him. What is YOUR plan to take care of YOU? 1
Spark1111 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Yes! My H suffered from depression and MLC, but so do MANY OTHERS and they do not seek an affair to fix what ails them. So, it's still no excuse, understand? People take proactive measures to TREAT depression and mid-life crisis so that they remain viable, healthy partners to their spouses. The get new hobbies, go the the gym, travel, buy a sports car. They do not fine a new person to have sex with behind their spouse's back.. It's a mitigating factor, but NOT an excuse or explanation or reason for an affair. And ultimately, I decided I didn't cause it, either the depression or the affair, I couldn't control it as I was purposely deceived, and I can't cure it. I had begged him to at one time to go to counseling, take the anti-anxiety pill, and take care of it. He did not. After DDAY, when I threw him out I WAS the ONE in counseling (and had been for a while wondering why my H seemed to be falling out of love with me), I told my IC I was done, finito, sick of it all, trying to love a man to mental wholeness and what did I get? Betrayed. So no more. While I am empathetic, it was ALWAYS his job to fix himself, just as it is my job to fix me. IC is the only way for him to figure out why he crossed that line. He was depressed? Why? He was getting older. So why did that depress him? And he needs to keep going until he gets to his root cause. 2
beach Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 IF he's still depressed and still getting older - I guess what he's offering you is MORE cheating as the years roll along. Is that good enough for you to stay?
Author Queen of Sheba Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 At the risk of defending him which I am not prepared to do...! I have told him he made all the choices. We were having problems with sex life and he thought he was going to die not having had "normal sex". Stuff round that. OW bit of a nutter but not as much as he made out. Led her on just to get sex and kept threatening to tell me causing his depression to be worse. I can believe it was all for sex but the amount of effort he put into it is what hurts. I can be preety sure it won't happen again for a number of reasons but it's dealing with the pain that troubles me. He did finish it, (it didn't answer the questions(!)) and she told me, most unpleasantly. I know depression is a selfish illness (I don't mean selfish people have depression I mean people who have depression present selfish behaviours. (My mother is driving me insane with at the moment but that's another story!!) he wouldn't go for counselling which I begged him to do because of course he knew what was causing the depression, his bloody affair! He is remorseful but doesn't understand the pain and how I see how he made choices, the affair (not her) over me many times.
Spark1111 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 At the risk of defending him which I am not prepared to do...! I have told him he made all the choices. We were having problems with sex life and he thought he was going to die not having had "normal sex". Stuff round that. OW bit of a nutter but not as much as he made out. Led her on just to get sex and kept threatening to tell me causing his depression to be worse. I can believe it was all for sex but the amount of effort he put into it is what hurts. I can be preety sure it won't happen again for a number of reasons but it's dealing with the pain that troubles me. He did finish it, (it didn't answer the questions(!)) and she told me, most unpleasantly. I know depression is a selfish illness (I don't mean selfish people have depression I mean people who have depression present selfish behaviours. (My mother is driving me insane with at the moment but that's another story!!) he wouldn't go for counselling which I begged him to do because of course he knew what was causing the depression, his bloody affair! He is remorseful but doesn't understand the pain and how I see how he made choices, the affair (not her) over me many times. Ok, know this: people abuse substances like alcohol, heroin, pain pills because they are trying to NUMB pain. Affairs may start out like that, but they continue because it makes the person feel more ALIVE. The rush and the chemicals are more like cocaine addiction in brain chemistry. The effects are short lived after a brief hit, then the spiral down is even worse. What is the only thing that alleviates the down? Another cocaine hit and high, just like an affair. hence all the excessive texting and planning and lying. Got to have another fix. the problem is, they may not even see their AP objectively, or stop to think of the consequences of their actions, or even feel less love for their spouse.....it's an addict needing another hit. The perfect storm that has nothing to do with you, sex, the marriage, etc. It has to do with an endorphin high related to sex and an emotional connection based on illusion, intermittent reward...and chemistry. Don't romanticize your H's affair...and don't allow him to either. Sex can be discreetly had with a paid partner; discreetly with few if any threats to the marriage. An affair is risk-taking, secret, compulsive and dangerous and self-sabotaging. I think the chemistry is very, very different. Did he ever say to you, if we don't have sex soon I will need to find release elsewhere? Rhetorical question. Of course he didn't. Another excuse. make him work on this please. And have him seek IC and possibly anti-depressants too. Do not accept the first round of superficial excuses.
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