30 Days of N/C LDR and I'm Still Broken

[Bionka]

Okay folks, I'm looking for insight on my break-up and since it's LDR many of my friends don't understand the circumstances and are telling me to move on. Bottom line is that I really love this man and I don't know what to do. If possible, please take the time to read my story and feel free to give any advice or make suggestions.

 

We first met at a bar here in Canada after he arrived from Europe for work. We hit it off, had a night of fun, and that was that. We would bump into each other from time-to-time and have a quick catch up but our timing was always off to start anything more than a friendship.

 

Fast forward to last July where we bumped into each other again and hit it off again, but this time our timing was on. Both single and open to dating. We moved along quickly and circumstances had him move into my place about 3 months in.

 

In November of last year he was offered a well paid management position in his field but the job was in Asia. He accepted the job and moved mid-December. Before he left we had agreed to remain in an exclusive relationship with one another and try to and make the long-distance thing work. I was hesitant since I had never been in such a relationship, but agreed to try my best since I loved him. He moved. We chatted pretty much every day via Skype, FB, emial, and texting. Things were going well.

 

He had decided that he wanted to fly me out for a visit and leading up to the trip things were normal. We were both excited to see one another in person as it had been close 4 months since he left. I arrive in Asia and things were wonderful the first day but then something changed in him. He became distant and cold towards me and I was feeling more like a buddy than his girlfriend. It would continue this way for 3 weeks. I was hurt and devastated. How could this man that said he loved me so much and was missing me since the move, be so callous all of a sudden? We fought, I was hurt and he wasn't communicating. The day before I departed back to Canada he told me loved me, he still wanted to be with me, and wanted to keep trying at the LD thing. I was lost and confused but told him I would try again.

 

When I arrive home I decided to take a serious step back from the relationship. My mind was still spinning from his hot and cold behaviour and I needed time to re-evaluate. On top of the vacation from hell that I thought was going to be a honey moon, I return to my best friends father dying of cancer, I'm doing a summer course full-time at univ, and working 6+ evenings a week. I was super stressed.

 

About 2 weeks being home he gets on Skype and starts to open to me. Telling me how sorry he was for his behaviour while on holiday, that he messed up and he wants to try and make it work, that he loves me and he's the man for me. Again, hot and cold behaviour and my mind is thrown for another spin. I once again agree to give it a try because I really do love the man and we start to make plans for his visit home to Canada to meet my parents and such.

 

No more than 2 days later my friends father passes away and it is a hard day. I message him with this news and I see that he sees the message but he doesn't respond. I'm emotional and go and stew over EVERYTHING, the entire relationship, the holiday, school, death, all of it. In an instant and out of pure emotion I send him a 2 sentence message that there are too many issues, and too much stress to make this work anymore. He responds by saying, "Really...that's it....Well i respect your choice, I will always think of you fondly with deep feelings and I wish it could have turned out for the better. I know i made a mistake and i am sorry for that but i respect your choice. I have lost you and that's something i will come to terms with over time. You do deserve better and I wish i could have been that man for you, but it would seem that I am not....like i say i respect your choice and I wish you all the best. I will take care and move on from things, good like Hillary I think you will make a great partner for the right guy and I wish you all the best in finding him. I'll catch you when i do. Good luck also. I'll not bother you anymore."

 

I wake up the next morning realizing that I had made mistake and was going to try and contact him but quickly found out that he 'blocked' me from everything including my phone number. The following day I send him a short and brief apology email which eluded no response. We broke up on the June 7th and I haven't heard from him since.

 

Anyways, since the break-up I have been trying to do all the right things for myself and I am growing immensely. For some reason he has a real hold on me and a month later I still miss him like crazy. We had planned for me to move to be with him once I was done univ. next year and we would take it from there.

 

I don't know if I should try and send him another email? Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Thank You.

[Bionka]

I apologize for the lengthy story but I wanted to give the full picture in hopes of some helpful insight. Thanks again.

[cerridwen]

You can send him another email.

 

However, unless you both talk things through honestly and thoroughly from the start, this pattern of hot/cold, push/pull (which you're now perpetuating) will just continue.

Know that this can also be his pattern.

Despite working on things, if this is ingrained and he's not interested in changing, this could continue.

 

He needs to communicate instead of shut down.

What he did on vacation was not cool.

Revisit that and talk that through with him if you get back in communication.

 

Sending him that breakup email wasn't cool of you either.

You both act out of emotionality and trust me, that's not good for anyone.

So, you have some growing to do too.

 

Contact him.

Ask him if he'd like to talk and if you receive no response, start the healing process.

If he DOES respond, know you're both going to need to mature in leaps and bounds to make a LDR work.

Communication, honesty, acceptance, discernment, will all need to be exercised if this is to work.

Edited July 8, 2013 by cerridwen

[Bionka]

Thanks for the response Carrie! I have been exercising N/C for over 30 days and am continuing to work on myself. I can react out of emotion sometimes but I'm working on my bahviours. If I write an email I don't want to come off as needy or desperate because I'm not, but I do want him back in my life.

 

Do you have an suggestions for the email?

[cerridwen]

Thanks for the response Carrie! I have been exercising N/C for over 30 days and am continuing to work on myself. I can react out of emotion sometimes but I'm working on my behaviors. If I write an email I don't want to come off as needy or desperate because I'm not, but I do want him back in my life.

 

Do you have an suggestions for the email?

 

I'm so glad you're working on your behaviors.

It will only benefit this and/or any future relationship, OP.

Good for you.

But, I suggest spending more time reflecting before writing the email.

 

If there's a bookstore handy pick up the book In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant.

Ask yourself the hard questions within.

Be clear on what issues are yours and which are his.

Do be brutally honest with yourself about if some part of you is indeed needy/desperate/lonely and it's fueling your desire to reunite.

Once you're as clear as possible, write him an email from a very honest place.

Send it with no expectations, and that alone will be freeing.

But the book, Bionka?

It's worth reading and applicable to your situation.

A few more days NC, learning about and strengthening yourself, is a good investment.

[Bionka]

Thanks for the sound advice, Carrie and I plan on taking another 30 days to see how I feel then. In the meantime, I'm on the hunt for the book recommendation.

 

Cheers!