2 years, at a standstill no sign of ring

[EternalInk]

Because everyone kept asking me why I haven't talked to him about it yet. And actually my original plan was to get married out of college. I'm 6 years past that already!

 

That's because they wanted you to hop on the train of failed marriages.

 

It seems like you're in a relationship with EVERYONE, but your boyfriend.

[nescafe1982]

Ok OP this is what you do.... Ask him DIRECTLY what he wants.

 

"What exactly are you wanting at this point? What are you looking for right now in terms of a relationship?"

 

Forget about assuming, forget about asking other people. I have been there. You have to ask him. It is really scary to ask a man these type of questions, but it will save you a lot of heartache, worry, and pain if you just ask him.

 

Of course, in order for you to ask him, you have to be clear YOURSELF on what you want. So before you ask him, it would be a good idea to spend some time away from him and think about if this is the man you want to be married to. You really need to look at yourself and your feelings. Write it down. Write in in your journal or your diary. Ask yourself how you really feel about him.

 

I will give you a tip. Men don't usually fully commit until you fully commit. So ask yourself if there is anything holding you back from fully trusting this man. Is there anything holding you back from fully surrendering to the unknown? What are the things that you fear?

 

Adele is right. Ignore the various types of barely-veiled misogyny you will encounter here, and do this work (described above). Marriage is about what you want, what you are willing to ask for, and what he is willing to offer. That's it. Truth is, no one can (or should) tell you that you have no right to want or expect marriage. That is for you to decide, and for you to expect.

 

If you look into yourself and are truly ready to fully commit (whether that's two days from now or two years from now), ask for the same from your man. If he can't give it to you, be prepared to leave him for someone who will give you what you need to be happy in the relationship. End of story.

[Eggplant]

You'd be surprised, as long as you ask the right 22-23 year old. But the truth is those 22-23 year olds are too boring.

 

The bottom line is that her boyfriend knows she spent her carefree, youthful years ****ing around with deadbeats and now the baby gong is ringing and he's expected to heed the call.

 

Maybe he would've if he had gotten some of the carefree years. No man wants to be the chump who pays the bills after a long line of deadbeats got the whole thing for free.

 

Not any man with a modicum of self respect, anyway.

 

Yes, yes, bitter bitter homosexual bitter. What im saying is true for many men in her boyfriends position.

 

Erich -- don't assume the OP spent her carefree youthful years ****ing around with deadbeats. Some women are shy and late bloomers. Some women are unlucky.

 

You're angry with some other women in some other place about something that's not this topic and not the OP's fault. Don't be mad at her.

[Woggle]

When it comes to a woman's clock ticking men have dog like hearing and nothing makes a guy run faster than when he knows that's why a woman wants to marry. Men will marry without hesitation but usually only for genuine love. No man wants to be the stable and reliable chump a woman marries because it is not time to settle down and have babies.

[beach]

You're not old fashioned since you live with him.

 

Old fashioned would be no sex and no living together before marriage.

[Eternal Sunshine]

When it comes to a woman's clock ticking men have dog like hearing and nothing makes a guy run faster than when he knows that's why a woman wants to marry. Men will marry without hesitation but usually only for genuine love. No man wants to be the stable and reliable chump a woman marries because it is not time to settle down and have babies.

 

I would give anything to live in a world where people only married out of genuine love, from both sides. I have lost respect for my female friends that married the first stable guy that came along, because it was time

[Eggplant]

She literally said she spent years in bad relationships in her very first post.

That doesn't mean that she meant to be in bad relationships on purpose.

[Eggplant]

I would give anything to live in a world where people only married out of genuine love, from both sides. I have lost respect for my female friends that married the first stable guy that came along, because it was time

 

It's not fair to the guy to marry him if you aren't crazy about him. I agree with you. From the OP's post, however, she absolutely loves this guy. She is certain he is the one.

[Eggplant]

She literally said she spent years in bad relationships in her very first post.

 

Yes, but you implied she wasn't serious about a relationship. She may very well have been serious, but she invested in the wrong guys. She's still only 28, and really nobody at any age has years and years to throw at a dead-end relationship. It's not as though she met the guy a month ago -- they've been together 2 years.

 

You seem to imply that her current boyfriend is getting the short end of the stick by being the "chump who pays the bills." That she used up all her worth with other guys, and did it on purpose with other guys who weren't serious. You don't know any of this. In any case, she is not forcing her current boyfriend to stay with her at gunpoint. He is willingly investing years in a relationship with her, so he must consider her worth something.

[hoping2heal]

Thank you for all of your responses! I do appreciate the variety of opinions.

 

First off, I would never propose to him. Not happening. Maybe it works for some people but not me. I am very old fashioned.

 

I think what frustrates me so much is that I know he's the one for me. And yet we aren't moving forward. The social status thing just annoys me because I feel so much pressure. If we both feel the same way, what are we waiting for? I get so annoyed when people get engaged after dating 5 months. I see this all the time of face book. It annoys the crap out of me! It shouldn't but just does. I just want to move forward. I feel stupid because I know he's the one but nothing is happening. It is very frustrating. It upsets me because i know they are in similar financial situations. I don't need a fancy wedding, I just want to begin my life with him!! I want to begin our life together as a married couple. Not stuck in limbo land of not being sure what or when things will happen. Does this make any sense??

 

OP,

 

Where is it exactly that you think couples "go" once they are married? Once you are married you do not get whisked off into the clouds and live in a magical candy hut with garden gnomes to do your housework and kittens and bunnies that flit a bit. Your life as it is with this men will be your life once you are married. Every experience you have together now is already your life together. There is no waiting to begin life together; it's already begun.

 

Getting married is a ceremony to celebrate your commitment, but it's not a panacea. Relationships still end due to divorce or sadly; death. There's really nothing you can do married that the two of you cannot do or experience now as a couple save for a few tax deductions and some health insurance benefits.

 

What has your boyfriend said to you about marriage? How does he feel about it? Does he want to be married someday?

[Jane2011]

OP,

 

Where is it exactly that you think couples "go" once they are married? Once you are married you do not get whisked off into the clouds and live in a magical candy hut with garden gnomes to do your housework and kittens and bunnies that flit a bit. Your life as it is with this men will be your life once you are married. Every experience you have together now is already your life together. There is no waiting to begin life together; it's already begun.

 

Exactly what I think!

[Treasa]

Exactly what I think!

 

Me too. Nothing magically changes when you get married. If you aren't content right now, a ring on your finger and a piece of paper aren't going to change that. Either you know he's committed to you, or you don't. If marriage itself is what you seek, either bring it up to him or find someone who is interested in getting married, even if you aren't as happy.

[Els]

Because everyone kept asking me why I haven't talked to him about it yet. And actually my original plan was to get married out of college. I'm 6 years past that already!

 

This scares the bejeebus out of me. Are you sure you aren't IB?

 

In all honesty, I see nothing wrong with you desiring to be married. Your reasons, though, sound rather worrisome. It sounds extremely unlikely that you'll actually have a good, lasting, and happy marriage, if you're getting married for these reasons.

 

In life, things rarely go according to 'plan'. Especially things like these which are dependent on another person other than yourself - an independent being with timelines and opinions of his own.

[Jane2011]

To be clear, it's not that I disdain the OP. I just hate seeing her or other women imprisoned and made desperate and loony by this cultural expectation.

 

I know a lot of women love their men, but at the same time, I hate to see them (the women) in a position that appears to be begging. Marry me. Give me a ring. You have the power to make me happy. I need to have what other women have.

 

Just enjoy your relationship. Don't think of yourself as not having what other (married) women have. Think of yourself as having what so many people don't have -- a loving, committed relationship. That is, if you have to feel equal or better than other people at all.

 

I've just been lucky, though, because I don't even know how it happened to me, mentality-wise, but I don't see marriage as a gift or a prize anymore. Quite the contrary, I see it as a funny thing that people do.

 

It's true there are benefits to marriage -- steady sex, someone to look after you when you're old, constant companionship, a live-in partner who cooks and cleans or shares in those duties. But marriage itself doesn't have to happen for any of that to be the case. You can even have children without being married. A ring on your finger isn't a pre-requisite for any of that.

 

My boyfriend benefits from me cooking and cleaning all the time, and I'm not married to him.

[Treasa]

This scares the bejeebus out of me. Are you sure you aren't IB?

 

In all honesty, I see nothing wrong with you desiring to be married. Your reasons, though, sound rather worrisome. It sounds extremely unlikely that you'll actually have a good, lasting, and happy marriage, if you're getting married for these reasons.

 

In life, things rarely go according to 'plan'. Especially things like these which are dependent on another person other than yourself - an independent being with timelines and opinions of his own.

 

Amen to that. When I was young, the "plan" was to be married at 20, have kids at 25, and be a world-famous author.

 

Honestly, looking back, although things COULD have gone according to plan (ok, maybe not the author part), I've realized what life is really about, and the older I get, the more I'm enjoying it and enjoying the fact that my life DIDN'T turn out like that.

 

I've stopped trying to force life events to turn out the way I expect, and rather go with the flow and enjoy the hell out of whatever happens.

[Els]

To be clear, it's not that I disdain the OP. I just hate seeing her or other women imprisoned and made desperate and loony by this cultural expectation.

 

Yep, seconded for truth.

 

It's certainly easy to say 'ignore societal expectations', but in reality it certainly is far from easy. While many of us can and do drown out the noise, it does take its toll sometimes. So I can sympathize with people like the OP who are suffering from it.

 

However, we (and our partners) are the ones who have to live with the decisions we make, not society. My personal rule is: If someone isn't going to face any of the consequences of a decision, they get no say in the decision-making process.

[Treasa]

Yep, seconded for truth.

 

It's certainly easy to say 'ignore societal expectations', but in reality it certainly is far from easy. While many of us can and do drown out the noise, it does take its toll sometimes. So I can sympathize with people like the OP who are suffering from it.

 

However, we (and our partners) are the ones who have to live with the decisions we make, not society. My personal rule is: If someone isn't going to face any of the consequences of a decision, they get no say in the decision-making process.

 

Agreed.

 

Also, the older I get, the more I love sticking my fingers in my ears and going "LALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" at society while laughing my ass off.

 

Society can eat me. I'm not living my life for anyone else.

[Els]

Agreed.

 

Also, the older I get, the more I love sticking my fingers in my ears and going "LALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" at society while laughing my ass off.

 

Society can eat me. I'm not living my life for anyone else.

 

Attagirl, Treasa!

[Woggle]

Marriage is great for a man with a woman that genuinely loves him and is crazy about him. With a woman who feels she settled because he happened to be there while her clock was ticking the loudest it can be pure torture for a guy.