foldingaces Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) Thank you for all of your responses! I do appreciate the variety of opinions. First off, I would never propose to him. Not happening. Maybe it works for some people but not me. I am very old fashioned. I think what frustrates me so much is that I know he's the one for me. And yet we aren't moving forward. The social status thing just annoys me because I feel so much pressure. If we both feel the same way, what are we waiting for? I get so annoyed when people get engaged after dating 5 months. I see this all the time of face book. It annoys the crap out of me! It shouldn't but just does. I just want to move forward. I feel stupid because I know he's the one but nothing is happening. It is very frustrating. It upsets me because i know they are in similar financial situations. I don't need a fancy wedding, I just want to begin my life with him!! I want to begin our life together as a married couple. Not stuck in limbo land of not being sure what or when things will happen. Does this make any sense?? Even if you were to get engaged today or tomorrow, you'll still be in limbo because he doesn't have the resources to take care of a family, much less of himself. He needs to be the provider and protector of the family. That in turn brings security to you. Yes, it has been 2 years. Maybe he will ask you to marry him soon. Just think about it though...if you get engaged, that's just added pressure to save up for the wedding, pictures, the honeymoon, and him saving up for the other part of your's and his wedding bands. You moving out is probably the best for the both of you. Both of your lives aren't established financially. And finances are a big part of a marriage. That will be a strain on your whole relationship if neither of you are established yet. You may be anxious now, but waiting for the right time for the both of you will be rewarding in the end. Obviously communication is an issue here as well. Don't lend it to a man to decipher your thoughts. You have to TELL HIM....otherwise we won't get it, usually. If anything, go REALLY OLD SCHOOL, and have him get the both of you a promise ring =) Edited July 8, 2013 by foldingaces
SJC2008 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 You're knocking on the door of 30 and are beating the baby and marrige drums. Look, I would love to get married I really would. But marriage is a huge frikin commitment and most people don't have the communication skills and self awareness to have a successful marrige. A perfect example would be you said you may casually mention how moving out is good. Screw casual, have a serious talk about it and dig in. Two years in, neither one of you should be "afraid" to bring up ANY topic. Now going off of this alone doesn't mean you don't have the skills to be successful at a marriage it's just an observation. 2
FitChick Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Going to nursing school will be challenging and your relationship may not survive, so wait until you are finished. By then, you might have met a hot doctor! 3
kaylan Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 OP it sounds a lot like you want to marry him for the social status of being married. To avoid getting hit on, to avoid seeming immature, for financial security and "because everyone else is doing it so why can't I" do not sound to me like solid reasons for a lifelong committment. They sound like immature whining. And telling him that moving out is a good thing in the hopes that he will rush out to buy you a ring is just plain cruel and manipulative. Also a good indication you are not ready for marriage. "Because I love him and I can't imagine life without him" or "I can't wait to meet our children" are better starts. Grow up. I agree with all of this. You dont sound like you wanna get married because you love him. That should be why you want to marry him. Getting married just so you can be married by 30 is a bad idea. 2
SJC2008 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 And know that it IS okay to say you want to get married, that marriage is something you want for yourself. It's drummed into women that these are taboo words before a man proposes... like we have to justify our desire rather than claim it. They don't want the guy to ghost if they bring up marriage too early. On the other end of the spectrum men are taught to let the women bring up being exclusive or she'll ghost. Fear of loss is what motiviates this. But shouldn't we want the people who have differnt goals then us to ghost? It wouldn't scare me off if I was dating a woman and she said she'd like to get married one day. Just becuase she wants to get married doesn't mean she'll want to marry me and vice versa. It's about seeing if you're dating someone with the same end goal.
Jane2011 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) I understand how the OP feels. People tell you not to allow the pressure get to you but is hard! People tell you not to bow to societal demand but people like OP will get desperate ( as many women do) if she is 30 years old and unmarried. I can understand how she feels, in a way, because I felt that way (though not to the same degree as her) at one time. I pretty much wanted the guy I was with from 2004 to 2010 to marry me, and I bugged him about it. It wasn't the reason we didn't stay together or anything; I think we just weren't compatible. And my 'bugging' wasn't incessant or crazy or anything, just there occasionally. But I can no longer relate to wanting to be married really, really badly. I'm in my mid-30s, my two older sisters are married with kids, all around me (all over my Facebook and my friends and acquaintances in general) people are getting married and having children, posting their baby/toddler pictures, posting their sonograms (is that what it's called?) of their 6 week old, still forming baby......and...... I feel nothing. I'm with a guy and have been with him for 11 months, and I have no major desire to be married to him. I do want him in my life permanently (at least that's how I feel right now), and I'm committed to him, but I have no desire to be married to him, nor do I think I will in a year, two years, three years, or five years. Marriage just has no hold on me anymore. It's not entirely because of "divorce rates," either, although honestly, I do know my brother's best friend's marriage is falling apart, my older sister recently told me (as of about three months ago) that she's unhappy in her marriage, and another woman I know of is cheating on her husband. I know some marriages last and are wonderful and lifelong commitment, etc. But for the most part, many of them are just plain lame and/or no more lasting or meaningful than people who are just together. But it's not just that I don't envy marriages that are falling apart. I don't even envy marriages that are happy and lifelong. What's to envy? So they're married. Who cares? So they have a child. Who cares? I have two nieces and three nephews, and I'm happy with them. In reality, I do understand the OPs antsy feelings about being married. Emotionally, though, I'm the opposite of her. I distinctly DON'T want to be married. I think it's not the level of happiness or not (within marriages) that influences how I feel. It's my disgust with marriage culture in general in this country. It's so "the thing you're supposed to do"; it's so this "I'm happy and fulfilled" statement (even if one really isn't); it's so "I've got someone who loves me and who I love" statement. I guess, realistically, I see it as this exclusive club that people want to be in. And I've always hated exclusive clubs or any form of elitism, even that which doesn't mean to be, or doesn't claim to be. I don't want to be in the elite marriage club. It's my protest against elitism! I do like having a committed, long term boyfriend though. Edited July 8, 2013 by Jane2011 1
Keenly Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I really hate how society some where alone the lines ingrains women that marriage needs to happen after a certain amount of time. Women actually use the amount of time the relationship has lasted as a pressuring tactic for marriage. " we have been together for x years so that means you should propose. " No. Just no. The man will propose when he decided he is ready, on HIS schedule. Not yours. Its a major life decision for him to propose and its HIS decision when, where, and how to make it. If you feel his schedule isn't fitting yours, then leave him. If you feel that you can leave some men simply because they haven't proposed to you, your relationship isn't very good to begin with. Your choices as a woman are : A) enjoy what you have. Enjoy the relationship and let it develop naturally. Love your spouse for who they are and what they do, not who you want them to be and what you want them to do . Or B) leave and find some one else.
Author Sweetappl5 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 For those of you asking, no I have not discussed marriage with him directly. I said I was not going to do that until we were dating at least 2 years because I didn't want to pressure him early. That is why I am posting this thread. But like many posters, I think 2 years is plenty of time. I also failed to mention that he is younger than me. By a year... He is 27. I don't know if that has any bearing on the situation. To answer the one poster, no I would never leave him over this situation. I would have kids, buy a house, and build our life without marriage. I know that will never happen because his family would be displeased if he wasn't married. I know that his mom would prefer us to be married because we are living together now but I am not sure if she knows that I am living with him full time. To me marriage is the sign of ultimate commitment to each other. What is wrong with wanting that? I don't believe in divorce. I have never been so sure about anything. I know that he is the one and that he thinks so too. He is sad that I am moving out next month. He wants to be by my side always and to sleep next to each other. He is distraught over it I know for sure. I am sad as well because I will miss spending every moment with him. I am hoping that once he finds a job we will be able to afford another apartment closer to where I go to school. And our own place... We currently live with his best friend. It feels like we are still in college or something. I don't think there is anything wrong with how I feel. Many women I am sure are in my shoes. I know that he could afford a ring if he wanted. He has enough money saved for a downpayment on a house... He is just not making anything at the moment. Thank you for the additional replies.
Drseussgrrl Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I really hate how society some where alone the lines ingrains women that marriage needs to happen after a certain amount of time. Women actually use the amount of time the relationship has lasted as a pressuring tactic for marriage. " we have been together for x years so that means you should propose. " No. Just no. The man will propose when he decided he is ready, on HIS schedule. Not yours. Its a major life decision for him to propose and its HIS decision when, where, and how to make it. If you feel his schedule isn't fitting yours, then leave him. If you feel that you can leave some men simply because they haven't proposed to you, your relationship isn't very good to begin with. Your choices as a woman are : A) enjoy what you have. Enjoy the relationship and let it develop naturally. Love your spouse for who they are and what they do, not who you want them to be and what you want them to do . Or B) leave and find some one else. This isn't exactly fair. If a dude knows his gf wants to be married and have kids, he needs to get real about it and not waste her time for years and years. If he doesn't see it happening, he needs to extract himself from her life. Full on honesty. And no - just because you'd leave someone who doesn't share your life goals doesn't mean that your relationship as a whole is bad. It means you want different things. It's not society that tells us that we need to be married by x,y,z date. It's biology. Women are getting married later than ever before. We don't have all the time in the world and the race against the clock is not an issue for men like it is for us - for women who want kids. 2
nescafe1982 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Maybe they should start looking sooner. Oh, gee, that's all we have to do? Thanks so much, kindly internet stranger! Think about that gem you've dropped on us for a minute. hurr durr durr. OP I think it's high time you have a good-natured conversation about your future (the one you're planning for yourself, you know?) and to ask him if he sees himself in that future, or if he sees you in his? I think maybe the fact that you guys haven't talked about this topic openly yet might be bothering you more than the presence/absence of a proposal. Would it take pressure off to know that he's thinking the same things you are? If so, then ask him! Best of luck. 2
Treasa Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 OP, you sound in way too much of a hurry to be married, and it does sound like it's all about status and keeping up with what other people are doing. Not to say you don't love your boyfriend, but your eagerness to be married to him doesn't seem to be about him but more about the image you want. Relationships move forward if they're moving forward. Being married or not has nothing to do with that. I know of several marriages that are moving backward and in all kinds of dysfunctional directions, as a matter of fact. Also, saying that you're too old (at 28) to be calling a guy your "boyfriend" is pretty ridiculous, in my opinion. You're actually right at the age to be calling someone your boyfriend, even if you have been together two years. And in general, there's no right age to have a "boyfriend" vs. "a husband" vs. "a fiance." Seriously. I could get married in three days, and Keith HAS asked me to marry him, but I just don't feel like getting married. And after 16 years, I know that what we have is true love. That's good enough for me. I understand others wanting to get married, but I don't think it should be because of social pressure. The order I get, the more I enjoy being atypical.
nescafe1982 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Indeed, the OP, for example, would've had an extra decade if she hadn't spent it in bad relationships. Now it has to happen quick quick quick because her fertility is going to take a sharp drop in ~7 years. Your math makes sense, for certain. But if you think talking to a man who is around 30 years old about marriage is difficult, just try it on a 22-23 year old! The bottom line is that is a woman is ready to marry around 28 years old, she will look for a partner who can provide what she wants. Talking to her current mate to suss out his feelings on marriage is the first step in that process.
Treasa Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I don't think you should even consider getting married to someone with whom you can't easily discuss it. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I don't think you should even consider getting married to someone with whom you can't easily discuss it. Totally agree. You aren't comfortable seriously discussing marriage? Even after two years? Marriage takes a LOT of communication, I suggest talking big topics now like kids and where you settle down. It is so important o be on the same page about things before you make that ultimate commitment. I also want to say, you may not believe in divorce, but it is a real thing. Not just that, but ultimately if he wanted to divorce you, he could. All it really takes is one person to want out. It's just easier if both people do.
Drseussgrrl Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Why is the onus on the woman all the time? Why can't men just not be "deadbeats"?
Treasa Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Why is the onus on the woman all the time? Why can't men just not be "deadbeats"? A lot of mean aren't deadbeats. I just think that women more than men tend to say, "Why hasn't he proposed yet?" I've rarely heard a man say, "I really want to marry my girlfriend, but she keeps saying no."
Drseussgrrl Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 A lot of mean aren't deadbeats. I just think that women more than men tend to say, "Why hasn't he proposed yet?" I've rarely heard a man say, "I really want to marry my girlfriend, but she keeps saying no." Sorry - I was referencing "Erich's" post from earlier. I don't think men are deadbeats. In fact I love men. Sometimes you just don't get lucky til a little bit later down the road. I've dated some wonderful men and some not so wonderful men. Such is life.
Treasa Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Sorry - I was referencing "Erich's" post from earlier. I don't think men are deadbeats. In fact I love men. Sometimes you just don't get lucky til a little bit later down the road. I've dated some wonderful men and some not so wonderful men. Such is life. Totally agree! I met an amazing man when I was 22, dated him for a few years, and then friendzoned him, went through a bunch of losers, and am back with him. LOL I guess I'm slow to learn.
Author Sweetappl5 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) It's not that I am not comfortable talking to him... I just haven't yet because I wanted to wait 2 years! I will be talking to him about this shortly. Our 2 yr anniversary is coming up Thursday. Thank you for those who suggested it. I think it does make me anxious because I'm not sure what time frame he is on. This way I can find out. Ok Erich... Not sure how its my fault I wasted a decade dating deadbeats. Simply because they did not treat me right and I chose to leave, that's my fault? When you meet someone you don't know what will happen unless you date them! I'd rather have waited till now to find my boyfriend than never met him. I am also not dinging the baby bell... Kids has nothing to do with this. I for sure don't want that until I am 33-35! Your post makes me sound like a whore which I assure you I am not. Please don't judge when you know nothing about me, thanks. Edited July 8, 2013 by Sweetappl5 1
EternalInk Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 It's not that I am not comfortable talking to him... I just haven't yet because I wanted to wait 2 years! I will be talking to him about this shortly. Our 2 yr anniversary is coming up Thursday. Thank you for those who suggested it. I think it does make me anxious because I'm not sure what time frame he is on. This way I can find out. Ok Erich... Not sure how its my fault I wasted a decade dating deadbeats. Simply because they did not treat me right and I chose to leave, that's my fault? When you meet someone you don't know what will happen unless you date them! I'd rather have waited till now to find my boyfriend than never met him. I am also not dinging the baby bell... Kids has nothing to do with this. I for sure don't want that until I am 33-35! Your post makes me sound like a whore which I assure you I am not. Please don't judge when you know nothing about me, thanks. I don't get why you keep repeating the fact that you wanted to wait two years to ask him about marriage. It just sounds like all these years you kept telling yourself, "oh, I need to get married before I'm 30" regardless of whom you're dating. I bet if it was guaranteed that he won't run for the hills you would've asked him after 2 months of dating.
Revolver Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I don't like how so many women seem to put their value as a woman on whether or not they have a ring. 1
Author Sweetappl5 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I don't get why you keep repeating the fact that you wanted to wait two years to ask him about marriage. It just sounds like all these years you kept telling yourself, "oh, I need to get married before I'm 30" regardless of whom you're dating. I bet if it was guaranteed that he won't run for the hills you would've asked him after 2 months of dating. Because everyone kept asking me why I haven't talked to him about it yet. And actually my original plan was to get married out of college. I'm 6 years past that already!
Adele0908 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Ok OP this is what you do. The next time you guys are together, after you have had some fun and shared some intimacy, which could be sex or no sex, ask him DIRECTLY what he wants. "What exactly are you wanting at this point? What are you looking for right now in terms of a relationship?" Forget about assuming, forget about asking other people. I have been there. You have to ask him. It is really scary to ask a man these type of questions, but it will save you a lot of heartache, worry, and pain if you just ask him. Of course, in order for you to ask him, you have to be clear YOURSELF on what you want. So before you ask him, it would be a good idea to spend some time away from him and think about if this is the man you want to be married to. You really need to look at yourself and your feelings. Write it down. Write in in your journal or your diary. Ask yourself how you really feel about him. Do you just want to be married? Or do you really love this man and want to be with him? Ask yourself these questions. Before you ask him to make a commitment, ask yourself if you are ready to commit to him. Seriously I have been in your shoes, based on what you posted. Don't feel like you have to be married just because your friends are. This is YOUR life. This is YOUR journey. Everyone's journey is not the same. For example. you are going to nursing school. Some people go at age 21, some people go at age 41. So forget about your age. It is irrelevant. What is important is how you FEEL. I will give you a tip. Men don't usually fully commit until you fully commit. So ask yourself if there is anything holding you back from fully trusting this man. Is there anything holding you back from fully surrendering to the unknown? What are the things that you fear? 1
CptSaveAho Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Totally agree! I met an amazing man when I was 22, dated him for a few years, and then friendzoned him, went through bunch of losers, and am bhasn't learned anything still dating a loser ith him. LOL I guess I'm slow to learn. What a lucky man you have... /facepalm What enrich is saying is a high quality man doesn't date women who has a dating streak of dating losers and they don't get friend zoned. I've had an ex like you that pulled that stunt... She knows and expects go **** yourself response from me if she were to talk to me again. She would be disappointed if it doesn't come
Treasa Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 What a lucky man you have... /facepalm What enrich is saying is a high quality man doesn't date women who has a dating streak of dating losers and they don't get friend zoned. I've had an ex like you that pulled that stunt... She knows and expects go **** yourself response from me if she were to talk to me again. She would be disappointed if it doesn't come That is so funny, because five minutes ago he told me how lucky he was. In his case, I was the only one he ever wanted. It was me or no one. And he's higher quality than any man I've ever known.
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