Sweetappl5 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) I know this type of story has probably has been posted on this site a million times. I would like some honest, helpful advice please! I am 28 years old and am going back to school in August for nursing. I already have a degree but I was never able to find a job (education). I met my boyfriend when I was 26, and we have been dating almost two years. Our anniversary is coming up on July 11th. I love him so much. He is everything I have dreamed of. After years of bad relationships this is the one guy who makes me happy and makes me a better person. He is a very introverted person and a good guy.... was never into partying and doesn't even drink. I have never had an issue with him. We talk about our future and know it is there. We talk about the future in terms of having kids and having a house, what dogs we want to have (we are extreme dog lovers). He knows I am sacrificing a lot so I can go back to school for nursing and that it will help our future financially. He currently works in retail because he is not able to find a job right now either. He went to school for graphic design and is currently working for his dad's store which he will someday inherit but for now doesn't make any money. We both scrape by because I work for retail as well. We save a little, but not much. Our current situation.... I have been living with him for almost a year. Next month, I am actually moving back to my parents because school is closer. I still plan to spend 2-3 nights at his place. I am just getting antsy. I feel like I am getting older and I want to get married. I get hit on at work a lot because I have no ring to show I am taken. I feel stupid calling him my "boyfriend" at my age and for how long we've been dating. I feel like I should be calling him my husband or fiancé because that is where we are at emotionally. And not to mention people all around me are already having kids because marriage was years ago for them. I feel like I am starting to get resentful because he is just not getting it. I got upset about 2 weeks ago bc I felt like we weren't moving forward financially and I was tired of him putting off his portfolio so he can apply for graphic design jobs. He really has gotten his butt into gear the past weeks about that and has spending a lot of time on it. I am wondering if I should casually mention how moving out is a good thing. I know he is sad about it and is concerned about not seeing me everyday like he wants and is used to. And then I can say how I feel like the relationship won't move forward I don't because it feels like we are already married. Does this sound like a plan? I'm sure he has no idea how I feel. I wanted to wait till 2 years bringing anything up. I am also sad because i sont think he has anything planned for our anniversary. i know he works and doesnt want to spend a lot of money going somewhere to eat. Even though I've got school coming up I want to be married by the time I am 30. Does this all sound reasonable? Any advice?? Edited July 8, 2013 by Sweetappl5
BluEyeL Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I'd say moving out is a good thing. I wouldn't bring it up this way though. I'd move out, wait for things to settle a little and then I'd just say that after two years, you started to think of the future and, at this point, marriage with him seems like the natural step to take. Then listen to what he says. If he says that he sees marriage in the future, ask him about his timeline. If he gives you a definite timeline, like 6 months/1 year etc., it's good, if he's "some day", tell him your timeline. Then stick to it, and if he doesn't come with the engagement by that time, talk to him again. If he's not giving you what you want, cut contact and move on. 3
CptSaveAho Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 No offense, I wouldn't give someone a ring that was moving out and back in with their parents nor would I even consider it This post to me reads, Im getting older and wow Im 30 now, now that I found a nice guy, hopefully he will be dumb enough to let me use him which he doesnt sound like he's falling for it by his actions alone (not giving you a ring, etc) Finish your school, get a career, be worth something and you will be rewarded from it 1
Babolat Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Have the two of you ever discussed marriage? Have you communicated your desire to get married to him? If yes, what was his response. 2 years, to me, is enough time to "know" or at least to start thinking about it. 1
nescafe1982 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I think it's very fortuitous that you are having to move out due to outside circumstances... might wake him up a little bit to miss you at this stage. Definitely have this talk with him, just as Blueeyes says. It basically sounds like you need to set the pace for the relationship; set the bar, tell him how to reach it, and allow him to follow through. If he does, that's great! Make sure he feels appreciated. If he doesn't? Well, then it's time to cut bait and move on (and heading back to school is a good time to do it). As for the anniversary thing? Guys often don't get why these dates are so important; tell him what you want in nice terms, something like "I love it when we do X (go out, have a picnic, cook together, go to the movies. Say, can we do that for our Anniversary?" If money's an issue make it something cheap: romance doesn't have to cost and arm and a leg. But if he's the man you want to marry, you will have to develop a consistent, non-confrontational way of telling him what you want, and he will have to adjust his game to make your reasonable needs. (Of course, this works both ways: he must also learn to communicate with you, and you rise to him, etc... but you get the point). I think the biggest thing that separates "grown up" relationships from dating is candid, honest setting of standards.
jphcbpa Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Ask yourself why is it so important to be married by age 30? "I get hit on at work a lot because I have no ring to show I am taken. I feel stupid calling him my "boyfriend" at my age and for how long we've been dating." This give me the impression you care more about what others think about you and your "status". Agree with the poster about getting your degree and getting your career going. Take your time, there is all the time in the world to be married and have kids. 2
nescafe1982 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Alternatively, you could propose to him.. Don't do this. You want to empower him, not emasculate him. Methinks a couple of folks here have their own issues surrounding the topic of holy matrimony, no?
nescafe1982 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Ask yourself why is it so important to be married by age 30? And know that it IS okay to say you want to get married, that marriage is something you want for yourself. It's drummed into women that these are taboo words before a man proposes... like we have to justify our desire rather than claim it. Unless you really do want to get married so you'll stop getting hit on at work... but I think maybe you've been holding out this desire on yourself up to now instead. Stop me if I'm being presumptuous. 2
Lixxy Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I am just getting antsy. I feel like I am getting older and I want to get married. I get hit on at work a lot because I have no ring to show I am taken. I feel stupid calling him my "boyfriend" at my age and for how long we've been dating. I feel like I should be calling him my husband or fiancé because that is where we are at emotionally. And not to mention people all around me are already having kids because marriage was years ago for them. I feel like I am starting to get resentful because he is just not getting it. It seems to me like the pressure to marry before you're 30 is more important to you than... your actual relationship. I doubt your relationship is marriage-ready after only 2 years. 2 years is really nothing. In the grand scheme of things, 2 years is an extremely short amount of time. And a marriage will (or should! is the plan) to last for the rest of your life... Many relationships are still at the 'honeymoon' phase after 2 years. Maybe your partner is simply enjoying the relationship he has with you, rather than wanting more, wanting to succumb to the pressures of society and his friends by rushing to put a piece of gold on your finger, or feeling impatient or frustrated with you. Maybe he feels satisfied where he is with you right now, and just wants to enjoy more time with you before rushing into marriage because his friends are doing it? 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I feel like your reasons for wanting a ring are all wrong.You shouldnt want one so men stop hitting on you (they will do it even if you have a ring, trust me), you shouldn't do it because you feel silly calling him your boyfriend, you shouldn't do it because everyone is doing it. Now, if you want I get married because you want I spend the rest of you life with him great, but the only way he will know this is if he talks to you. The one big reason I could see as to why it hasn't happened is because of finances. You do realize rings cost money right? Weddings do too. Do do children. And unless you are happy with a small ring, and an almost non existent wedding, I could see waiting. One thing I learned from my failed marriage is that because everyone else is doing it is the worst reason to do anything. Stop comparing your life to others. 3
Babolat Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 OP it sounds a lot like you want to marry him for the social status of being married. To avoid getting hit on, to avoid seeming immature, for financial security and "because everyone else is doing it so why can't I" do not sound to me like solid reasons for a lifelong committment. They sound like immature whining. And telling him that moving out is a good thing in the hopes that he will rush out to buy you a ring is just plain cruel and manipulative. Also a good indication you are not ready for marriage. "Because I love him and I can't imagine life without him" or "I can't wait to meet our children" are better starts. Grow up. I was recently hanging out with a girl who is 28 (no romance). She is in a 3 year relationship and is upset becasue he will not "put a ring on her finger". She thinks she is old and will never get married. I have been married, divorced now and she states at least you were married. Really? Though I have learned a lot abolut myself from my failed marriage, I do not consdier myself any better off simply because I was "married". If you are getting hit on simply tell them you are in a LTR, you are flattered by the interest/attention, but not interested. 1
Babolat Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I feel like your reasons for wanting a ring are all wrong.You shouldnt want one so men stop hitting on you (they will do it even if you have a ring, trust me), you shouldn't do it because you feel silly calling him your boyfriend, you shouldn't do it because everyone is doing it. Now, if you want I get married because you want I spend the rest of you life with him great, but the only way he will know this is if he talks to you. The one big reason I could see as to why it hasn't happened is because of finances. You do realize rings cost money right? Weddings do too. Do do children. And unless you are happy with a small ring, and an almost non existent wedding, I could see waiting. One thing I learned from my failed marriage is that because everyone else is doing it is the worst reason to do anything. Stop comparing your life to others. Good points Regarding financxes, to me, no excuse. heck, you are already living together. I get so tired of hearing people say "we would get married, but we want to wait for this or that". If it's the right person, why wait? To me that is one of the two saying "I don't want to get married". And it's poor communication...stop with all the other "stuff" to justify a reason, talk about the reason. Just my 2 cents. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Good points Regarding financxes, to me, no excuse. heck, you are already living together. I get so tired of hearing people say "we would get married, but we want to wait for this or that". If it's the right person, why wait? To me that is one of the two saying "I don't want to get married". And it's poor communication...stop with all the other "stuff" to justify a reason, talk about the reason. Just my 2 cents. Yeah well, my first marriage my ring was tiny, no wedding (courthouse) and the next time around I want those things. So me waiting a few years doesn't matter to me. The way I see it, marriage doesn't change much, if I am going to spend the rest Of my life with someone I can wait until we can afford the things I want. The difference is two people agreeing to wait, rather than one person wanting now and the other person NOT. 1
Babolat Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Yeah well, my first marriage my ring was tiny, no wedding (courthouse) and the next time around I want those things. So me waiting a few years doesn't matter to me. The way I see it, marriage doesn't change much, if I am going to spend the rest Of my life with someone I can wait until we can afford the things I want. The difference is two people agreeing to wait, rather than one person wanting now and the other person NOT. Makes sense, good point.
Author Sweetappl5 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Thank you for all of your responses! I do appreciate the variety of opinions. First off, I would never propose to him. Not happening. Maybe it works for some people but not me. I am very old fashioned. I think what frustrates me so much is that I know he's the one for me. And yet we aren't moving forward. The social status thing just annoys me because I feel so much pressure. If we both feel the same way, what are we waiting for? I get so annoyed when people get engaged after dating 5 months. I see this all the time of face book. It annoys the crap out of me! It shouldn't but just does. I just want to move forward. I feel stupid because I know he's the one but nothing is happening. It is very frustrating. It upsets me because i know they are in similar financial situations. I don't need a fancy wedding, I just want to begin my life with him!! I want to begin our life together as a married couple. Not stuck in limbo land of not being sure what or when things will happen. Does this make any sense?? 1
CptSaveAho Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 It makes 0 sense Getting married doesn't mean you are actually going to move forward, you are still going to be stuck in your rut... he's going to have a crappy job with no ambition drive to move forward and the same with you All I read here is ME ME ME ME ME with no consequences of the actions. I know 16 year olds that got married thinking if were married, everything is magically going to fix itself. They learn really quick that what they see on tv and that disney movies are actually FICTION Sad part is you are 30 and still havent come to this realization 3
Drseussgrrl Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Thank you for all of your responses! I do appreciate the variety of opinions. First off, I would never propose to him. Not happening. Maybe it works for some people but not me. I am very old fashioned. I think what frustrates me so much is that I know he's the one for me. And yet we aren't moving forward. The social status thing just annoys me because I feel so much pressure. If we both feel the same way, what are we waiting for? I get so annoyed when people get engaged after dating 5 months. I see this all the time of face book. It annoys the crap out of me! It shouldn't but just does. I just want to move forward. I feel stupid because I know he's the one but nothing is happening. It is very frustrating. It upsets me because i know they are in similar financial situations. I don't need a fancy wedding, I just want to begin my life with him!! I want to begin our life together as a married couple. Not stuck in limbo land of not being sure what or when things will happen. Does this make any sense?? It makes total sense to me. I found myself in a similar sitch with my ex fiance. We dated nearly 4 years, lived together for 3, and everyone around us was getting engaged/married. He wanted to finish grad school. Tip: Stay off FB because it will drive you mad. I'm 34 and everyone is having kids. I don't say this to scare you, but welp I finally got what I wanted and we were engaged and planned our wedding for a year. He broke up with me 3 months before our big day, and was engaged to someone else less than a year later after that. All that time I had waited and hoped and tried to be patient, built a life with him, and she got it within 9 months of dating him. To him, she was the "one" and he seemed to know it right away. Does he know what you want? Many times men don't feel ready for the responsibility of marriage if there are other things they feel they need to accomplish before being certain they'd make good husbands/providers/fathers. Such as establishing a career, which he has yet to do. Just remember that nagging and ultimatums don't work. You want that ring because he's dying to give it to you, not because he was strong-armed. 3
TigerCub Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Thank you for all of your responses! I do appreciate the variety of opinions. First off, I would never propose to him. Not happening. Maybe it works for some people but not me. I am very old fashioned. I think what frustrates me so much is that I know he's the one for me. And yet we aren't moving forward. The social status thing just annoys me because I feel so much pressure. If we both feel the same way, what are we waiting for? I get so annoyed when people get engaged after dating 5 months. I see this all the time of face book. It annoys the crap out of me! It shouldn't but just does. I just want to move forward. I feel stupid because I know he's the one but nothing is happening. It is very frustrating. It upsets me because i know they are in similar financial situations. I don't need a fancy wedding, I just want to begin my life with him!! I want to begin our life together as a married couple. Not stuck in limbo land of not being sure what or when things will happen. Does this make any sense?? Maybe he doesn't feel like you're the one for him? Don't mean it in a hurtful way...just saying.. Seems like maybe the 2 of you have to have an open an honest discussion on the whole topic of marriage. 3
Jane2011 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 OP, you sound in way too much of a hurry to be married, and it does sound like it's all about status and keeping up with what other people are doing. Not to say you don't love your boyfriend, but your eagerness to be married to him doesn't seem to be about him but more about the image you want. Relationships move forward if they're moving forward. Being married or not has nothing to do with that. I know of several marriages that are moving backward and in all kinds of dysfunctional directions, as a matter of fact. Also, saying that you're too old (at 28) to be calling a guy your "boyfriend" is pretty ridiculous, in my opinion. You're actually right at the age to be calling someone your boyfriend, even if you have been together two years. And in general, there's no right age to have a "boyfriend" vs. "a husband" vs. "a fiance." 5
TigerCub Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 OP, you sound in way too much of a hurry to be married, and it does sound like it's all about status and keeping up with what other people are doing. Not to say you don't love your boyfriend, but your eagerness to be married to him doesn't seem to be about him but more about the image you want. Relationships move forward if they're moving forward. Being married or not has nothing to do with that. I know of several marriages that are moving backward and in all kinds of dysfunctional directions, as a matter of fact. Also, saying that you're too old (at 28) to be calling a guy your "boyfriend" is pretty ridiculous, in my opinion. You're actually right at the age to be calling someone your boyfriend, even if you have been together two years. And in general, there's no right age to have a "boyfriend" vs. "a husband" vs. "a fiance." I find that a lot of women view marriage as some goal that has to be accomplished. When I was in my early 20s I thought the same way - but I really only wanted the ring and the wedding and to be "chosen" As I got older I realized that after the wedding...what then? It's much better to take one's time and build a life with the RIGHT person versus rushing to win the competition of getting married. I dunno, my saying is "I'd rather be happy than married" and by that I don't mean that married people aren't happy, I just means that I'd rather be with someone where we are happy and secure with one another than just rush out to get a ring and be married as goal. I'm sure OP loves her bf and all that, but I hope that she really considers what life will be like after the party - and if she really is still in a rush to sign up for that. 3
Babolat Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 OP, are you willing to walk away from this relationship over this?
Sunshine87 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I understand how the OP feels. People tell you not to allow the pressure get to you but is hard! People tell you not to bow to societal demand but people like OP will get desperate ( as many women do) if she is 30 years old and unmarried. I have a few older friends who met wonderful men after 30 years. One of them is 34 years and she just got married to a man she adores/ who has the same quirky habits that she does. But not everyone ends up that way. Some women find themselves single and completely alone in their early 30's after having been in a LTR relationshi during their 20's. I'm not telling you to panic because a LOT of people will get divorce. As I speak, one of my friends who got married in fen last yea ( to a man she had been dating for four months) is currently separated. The marriage didn't last for a year. She has moved back to her parents house. I WAS on the bridal train so this isn't some far fetched story. This is a story about MY friend. I know two other people ( they dated for about 2 years before gettng married) who are separated and on the way to divorce after 3 years of marriage. It's so SURREAL....to go from watching two people "in love" on a fantastic and glorious wedding day, to separated a year or two after. The point is: The quality of the marriage is so important. Divorce is REAL. However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be sure about the direction of your relationship. You want to be married....to him. But if he doesn't want to get married, I'm sure your desire to get married will NOT fade. I don't expc you to throw away your innermost desires in order to suit the man you love. So it's good that you are evaluating the destination of your relationship after two years. It IS about that time. Have you ever discussed marriage? Wha are his views on marriage? How do you know he won't propose soon? What does your gut tell you? This is a very complicated situation so you need to ensure that you don't put pressure on him. Do you have any mutual TRUSTED friends who could throw in a few things in order to gauge your boyfriend's intentions?
Sunshine87 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 My post re: women getting desperate refers to women who have NEVER been married.
BluEyeL Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 OK, so first, 2 years is not "too early", I think it's just about time to find out if marriage is on his mind, because it's on hers. No need to shame her for wanting it. 3
CptSaveAho Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 If you're so old fashioned why did you spend years in bad relationships? such a great post too bad very few people here have the ability to look in the mirror "lets avoid the logical truth in hopes that our emotional rationalizations will correct them" hence this topic of marriage.... "I want to cover up my past quickly by getting married to a good guy that has a poor job and continue to get mad and resentful for him not being better then he is after the marriage takes place."
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