Afraid Recent Ex-gf (3yr. relationship) is dating 1 Week after breaking up with me.

[detroitlove]

I have a strong suspicion that my ex is already dating some other guy. We were together for 3 years and for over a year we would talk with certainty about marriage and our kids, about where we were going to live/do etc. In 1 weeks time, she said it was over. As most of you, this completely caught me off guard.

 

Following about a week of intense pain, I began to accept a few things. You know, she made the mistake, her loss, etc. But then I began to really look forward to the call or email from her saying she made a mistake and was sorry, I thought she would come crawling back to me. I thought I would get great satisfaction telling her, “nope, sorry, you had your chance”, which would give her some of the pain she so brutally gave to me.

 

However, now I have a strong suspicion that she has already found some other guy in her life, making her fall head over heels in his love. This is merely one, 1!, week after the most intense relationship of both of our lives. A couple days after she broke up with me, because I supposedly didn’t suit her needs, many needs that is, I sent her email kind of telling her off, but in a very nice way, and at the end I included things like, ‘I don’t want to lose my best friend’ kind of stuff. So, she emailed me back angirly telling me that I never gave her the things she needed in life, and how she’s met people in the last 3 weeks that have given her more than me in the last 3 years, ouch I know. So after reading this, I called her and said, “answer me one question, is there someone else, like specifically that has given you all this stuff I never did?” And she said, “yes, but not in the way that you think”. (Hmmm, what am I supposed to think). She went on to say (lie) that there was many people, not one, that made her realize what I didn’t give her. At the end of the call I kind of believed her, yet, I couldn’t pull myself away from the gut feeling that she wasn’t being totally honest with me.

I also suspect this from those stupid “away messages” on AOL instant messengers, which she always puts up. I have a screen name that she doesn’t have, and block the one that she does, so she thinks that I’m not reading them. I know it sounds “stalkerish” to do this, but I guess I’m just really lonely, and have a need to know how she’s “feeling” from those away messages. I’m kind of hoping that she’s depressed, I mean, at least give me that. Her away message last night said, “…is it possible to fall in love so quickly, with baseball? (wink)”, you know, like she’s joking about the baseball thing, yet serious about the love part (the wink). So I read this and automatically presume that she was watching the baseball game last night with some guy that she finds f**@#ng charming, and questioning how she can fall so quickly in “love” with him. It’s worth noting that this girl has absolutely no interest in sports. I know, it’s not smart to check up on your ex like I’ve been doing, but I am just so damn confused about everything that I need something, anything, to fully understand why she did this to me, and have that hope of not letting go. I must remind you that this has all happened in a matter of one week after ending a relationship where this girl absolutely adored me.

What I suspect my ex of doing is a complete slap in my face. It’s like kicking me when I’m already down on the ground, telling me not to get up. I mean seriously, this girl expressed so much love for me in 3 years, and now she’s already “falling in love” with some guy she’s probably known for 2-3 weeks!? At least give me the dignity of being hurt because you dumped someone you loved. At least be moderately unhappy for “having to” end a relationship. At least think about our love we shared for 3 years. At least think about me. I think I deserve at least a crossing thought, not one that says “he never used to do this/that and this one does”, but one that misses at least a small part of Me.

I never thought I could hurt as much as I have been, but knowing that she is as happy as ever and “in love” with some other guy she probably doesn’t even know, is hurting me even more.

It hurts because she is completely disregarding what we had for 3 years in a matter of a week, and doesn’t even bother giving me the dignity and respect I deserve after 3 years by at least thinking of me.

[Green_and_White]

Dude,

 

I am going through the same thing. I've dated this girl for almost 2 years and about 5 weeks ago she said she needed some space cause she has never been single (always had a serious bf) so I freaked out and told her like 3 days later to decide what she wants to do. The next day after the email she calls me when i get off work (work for her dad downtown and just got that job like 3 weeks before) and she wants to breakup. Says she is still in love and it sucks because i am probably the one she is meant to be with (blah blah). She promises to call and keep in contact cause she couldnt imagine her life without me. To this day she has never called me. I have called her twice, texted her on her b-day when we were both at MSU...thats all the contact. Well, sunday she IM me and she says sorry for missing your call. We talk and i find out she isnt in love with anymore and that "she lost that feeling" but insits there is no one else. So we are pretty much in the same boat but you are a year longer than me.

 

Remember this, she is the one that is messed up. I LOVE my girl and I get sad about the future that we no longer have. If mine and your girl can just throw it away and not give a damn, then they are the ones that are not well adjusted at all. They will have problems with every relationship that they will have. They will CONVINCE themselves that they love the next person because they are NEW and exciting. But when it comes down to them showing love to our ex-girls, thats where they will fail. I have learned that there are alot of sh*tbag guys. My girl learned that right before i got with her. She got out of a relationship and dated a guy a week later for about a month (banged him) and he got what he wanted and dropped her. I was there to catch her because I wanted her all semster and didnt know that though.

 

Be strong and be the bigger person. IF she REALLY did love you then they will try and fight the feeling of losing that love. Mine apparently has lost it in 3 weeks. So I know she never loved me even though I was the most amazing thing to her. Think about it. Why do we both love someone who can't really love us. This is about the most advice I have ever given on this subject and it has just hit me like a ton of bricks, it is very true.

[detroitlove]

Man, thanks for the good advice. But I can’t help but say that you’re lucky you had face this now, rather than a year later. Think about it, it’s better it happened now than sometime down the road when you were even more serious. My girl and me had like the next 5 years planned out. Imagine that having been pulled out from under your feet.

 

Yeah man, our situations are unfortunately quite similar. One week before she broke up with me (2 weeks ago), she hit me with a ton a bricks, saying she felt “trapped” and needed to find herself before she could include me in her life. She wanted the “space”, so after one week of not talking to her at all, I knew it was the beginning of the end. I thought she spent this week contemplating her career and sh*t, that’s what she told me she was going to do. She’s a Sr. at UofM and is the most goal-oriented person I’ve ever known, so she must have a plan before she does anything. I gave her time, as much time as I could take. And I couldn’t do it any longer. I emailed her saying either you want this relationship or not. She IMed me back saying, “we need to talk about things”. I knew what was coming the next day. I expected her to say things about her future, and how she has to leave me, but she comes here and starts giving all this sh*t about me not supporting her in the right way. That hurt even more, because it was all my fault, not her undying obsession with herself her goals

 

The thing is, I already made sacrifices for this girl. I just loved her so damn much. I spent 2 ½ years at Northern Mich. Univ. in the U.P. while she was at UofM. We had a long-distance relationship but saw each other every 3 weeks. But it was hard on me because she was so miserable without me. Last year, she had a house with 3 roommates who all had long-term bf’s, and that killed her because it was shoved in her face everyday, and I was 400 miles away. And that killed me to see her that way. What did I do to try and make this work? I transferred to Wayne State in Detroit and am now living at home, just to be closer to her. That all blew up in my face. And now it sucks because I don’t got much keeping me here anymore.

Did I mention she now lives in a house with 7 single roommates, all seniors, you think that had anything to do with what happened? Yeah, I think so too. Girls are f*cking stupid sluts sometimes I guess.

 

My girl has either been lying to me for three years, or she’s just f**ked up in the head, I choose the latter. She doesn’t even know who she is, and we do. We want someone who is aware of who they are. Because before you can say you love someone, you have to know yourself. These stupid girls obviously didn’t, and it’s entirely their fault for losing the greatest thing they thought they had. They lost Us, we didn’t lose Them.

 

All I can say to you and myself, is f**k b*****s. They aren’t worth Our time right now. You’re right when you say They messed up. We know how well we treated them. We know how much we loved them. They couldn’t see us. They couldn’t reach us. They couldn’t love us the way we truly loved them. They aren’t worth anymore of our time. We deserve better and will get better in the future. We are better than these silly and immature girls. They toyed with our hearts and ripped them out, but now it’s time to give our hearts to someone who will appreciate them and love them. We have to pick up the pieces they left on the floor and put them back together stronger than before.

 

And hopefully, when we both are there at the top with our future wife in tow, we bump into these juvenile girls on the street, to show them what they could have had, if they were only wise enough and mature enough, to return the love that we selflessly gave to them those years ago.

[the_opposite_sex]

....me being a woman, having a GUY do to me what you guys had happen to you. My ex had no clue what he wanted. He would break up w/ me for 2 days, then realized he missed me *blah blah blah* and we'd get back together. A few days later, he'd break up w/ me again. This pattern continued like once or twice more *it was like the 2 day curse*...this last time we broke up, he said it was for good. I'm taking his word for it b/c i've had it! I feel like i'm being used or something. We broke up Sunday and he messaged me today *Wednesday* (imagine that, 2 days again), but here's what was said...

 

HIM: well, I don't know how much you don't want to talk to me right now, but I just thought I would try to send you a message to see what was going on and how you are. Things are going pretty good over here. Work is going well, and school is pretty much the same. Just thought I'd check up on ya.

 

ME: well not to be mean, but you have that first sentence right...its best for me if i didnt have anything to do w/ you right yet. I'm doing really well if i dont talk to you or see you. And i'd like to keep it that way. So until due time, whenever that may be, dont contact me please. Hope you understand.

[Green_and_White]

Detroit,

 

Im very lucky it happend now. I feel bad. At the same time we did pretty much have our lives planned out. She talked about marriage, she went to DC and visited her firend who is getting married, comes home and she says she picked out her ring. I got a job with her father at his law firm. At the same time my dad offered a job at his company (10000 more a year plus benefits). She found that out and said she woudlnt be able to be with me if i took that job and ignored her father, it would be too hard to be with me. so sacrificed as well. I look back and I was the one who did it all. She said "we are serious and if you take this job it would really hurt" so I missed a great opportunity to better my situation and move out of my house. WE are both recent MSU alums and i guess she just needs to figure herslef out, but i know she will be with someone new soon...she cant go without.

 

Im bitter cause I altered my life to keep us satisfied. She alters her life a bit and destroys everything. So i know there is someone else out there. I went abroad the month after we dated and I told myself I would fall for her and I did and I couldnt stop talking to her every day for 3 months (4000 miles) away. We will find someone to make those sacrifices for us one day. All I know that she is a spoiled little girl from Grosse Pointe who apparently thinks she is better than everyone else and doesnt think she needs to explain herself. Let her be.

[ltomlinson81]

My boyfriend of 4 years and myself broke up about 2 months ago. A week after I moved out of our apartment, I met someone and went on a few dates with him. This was not planned, and I am definitely the more hurt one in the relationship, and I thought I wouldn't date for months. I was just having fun. Of course, to my ex, it looked awful. But honestly, I was just trying to fill the void. It felt terrible and uncomfortable after 5 dates or so, and I ended it.

 

Just know that your ex has not forgotten about you. She has not fallen in love with someone else. She is just struggling with how to move on. I think we all do during breakups.

[Weird]

Originally posted by the_opposite_sex

....me being a woman, having a GUY do to me what you guys had happen to you. My ex had no clue what he wanted. He would break up w/ me for 2 days, then realized he missed me *blah blah blah* and we'd get back together. A few days later, he'd break up w/ me again. This pattern continued like once or twice more *it was like the 2 day curse*...this last time we broke up, he said it was for good. I'm taking his word for it b/c i've had it! I feel like i'm being used or something. We broke up Sunday and he messaged me today *Wednesday* (imagine that, 2 days again), but here's what was said...

 

Sounds like you guys had the puddy/elaine dealio going.

[savethedrama4allama]

Go D-town! Represent!!!!!

[Salem]

Detroit, do you think she's meeting guys online? The reason I ask is I have seen this happen a few times with my friends, male and female. They start hitting chat rooms, flirting with others, and they end up with broken relationships. I'm a female by the way. Just the way she suddenly had all these others who were giving her all that made me think she may be meeting them online and who knows what line of bull she's getting fed. She may think she has a dreamboat lined up and he turns out to be a hairy old perv.

[opaleye]

I was in basically the exact same situation as you a couple of weeks ago. My boyfriend of almost 2 years cheated on me while drunk and broke up with me that night then a couple of days later he called me and told me that he was going out with this girl who he cheated with. This was like 4 days after we broke up!

 

I completely understand how you feel- it's like you get all the pain while they have someone to do all the things you ever did together with and someone else to help them through the breakup (which you doubt they are even thinking about because of the way they are acting). It's as if you are replacable and rubbish. In my situation I feel like he is doing it so that he won't miss me and want to get back together with me (we had broken up about 6 months prior and he had begged me to get back together with him after 3 weeks) so I feel like maybe he is distracting himself with this new thing. But it also feels as though it's a slap in the face- you give a person everything and let them know you as well as you know yourself and then they ditch you and don't even seem to miss you or care about your feelings. I wanted to say to him that if he ever did love me like he said then he would sacrifice this fling thing so that I wouldn't feel so unbelievably terrible.

 

In your situation it could be that she is trying to dull her pain with someone new, forcing herself to"get over you" and prove to herself that she made the right decision in breaking up with you, or maybe she doesn't want to get lonely and consider getting back together with you, or maybe she wants you to get over her by making you angry and forcing you to move on. ??? I know how horrible you feel- like your time together wasn't even worth mourning or getting over- but you will be the one who is better off in the long run- jumping into a relationship after being in a long-term relationship isn't the right thing to do in my opinion- it just delays any feelings they might have about you and your relationship and it doesn't allow for personal growth- since being dumped by my boyfriend I have gone through all the emotions- week 1- severe depression- confusion- hope for him coming back week 2- basically wanting to die- more pain- week 3- I was feeling better and angry- week 4- I feel better. I am starting to really get over him. I feel like I have grown and learnt from the break up while he has screwed up and thrown himself into a new relationship- treat yourself to something to make yourself feel more attractive and stronger, do anything that makes you feel better about yourself.

 

It helped me to try to make me the better person- to not let myself feel like they were getting the better of me and that I was rising above the situation. That stage will come to you- one second I just switched perspectives- I stopped hoping that he would come back and stopped wanting his attention- I just decided that I was going to be ok and that I deserved better. Be strong.

[chicothechimp]

you don't want to be naive... but then again... you don't want to presume too much what she is doing and not doing... I hoestly think that the worst thing that you can do it try to force her to give you answers... she likely knows that she hasn't given you much... but who knows what she is wrestling with inside... yeah, it is a ****ty way for things to go down... but I say hang in there, give her the benefit of the doubt until you know for sure otherwise, and do some NEW things in your life and meet some NEW people... get on with life so they if you do connect that she doesn't think you have no life at all without her... woman love attraction but the are repelled by clingyness or neediness in a guy... just be confident, focused, patient & discerning. That would be my suggestion. Remember the woman you fell in love with and give her the benefit of the doubt for now perhaps.

 

If you are musically inclined write some songs about your pain and frustration. You could try starting a journal. Or find a good friend who is an amazing listener and unload your thoughts as often as they deem they can listen. Don't bottle this up, dude. It will only fester.

 

Lastly, prepare for the worst: it may be over. If you prepare for the worst then you are in a decent place for healing and moving on. The first month is the worst. But it does get better.

[amerikajin]

I must remind you that this has all happened in a matter of one week after ending a relationship where this girl absolutely adored me.

 

If she adored you, she wouldn't have ended it and gone out with someone a week later. You need to take a step back and look at the reality here, whatever that reality is. Sometimes we have this way of throwing out facts to avoid dealing with realities we'd rather not accept.

 

My guess is that things have been brewing for a while. She may not have come out and given you ultimatums, but she probably dropped hints here and there. In an ideal world, she'd let you know exactly where you stand with her 100 percent of the time, but in the real world, many people don't like getting into arguments over those small wrinkles that appear in a relationship.

 

Try the old no-contact rule. Tell her you're going to let her sort her own life out for a while but if she ever wants to call, she's welcome to do so. Leave her alone for a while and there's a good chance she might find out Johnny Come Lately isn't so wonderful after all.

 

But you should move on with your life anyway. It's not a good idea to stay stuck in the past. If you've tried to patch the relationship and haven't been successful, then it's best to leave it alone for a while. Pressure never works.

[RS]

I know, it’s not smart to check up on your ex like I’ve been doing, but I am just so damn confused about everything that I need something, anything, to fully understand why she did this to me, and have that hope of not letting go. I must remind you that this has all happened in a matter of one week after ending a relationship where this girl absolutely adored me.

 

No its not a smart thing to check up on your EX like that. But heck I have done it before, I think its a natural reaction and your hopes of not letting go, well thats because its easy to hold on yet so very very hard to let go. The funny thing is after letting go you always tend to feel better, I think as humans we tend to not want to let go because we crave a routine and relationships are kind of like a routine, when we have a routine pulled out from under us we tend to go to pieces.

 

Whatever happens I hope you get through this, its so hard sometimes to find the strength to just carry on. Some people say find an interest and go head first into it, but its hard to fully devote yourself to an interest when you cant stop thinking about the person you think about all day. I tend to dive head first into work (I have never coped with a big relationship break up with an umemployed status and I hope I never have to) it helps me to get through the day, I always find the days the worst, at night I always seem to be at peace, I dont know why.

 

Good luck to you.