the big phone call

[lustlovelost]

I'm in a marriage of convenience. We got pregnant on a one night stand, and married with little to no love.

 

Sleep in separate bedrooms, no conversations, nothing, but pretend to be happy to family/friends/ etc.

 

One night while she watched tv on couch i surfed web and saw an ad for a girl offering to sell her undies to make extra money.

 

I'm a bit of a pervert and this sounded cool. We emailed. and got along really well. stayed up all night chatting and exchanging photos.

 

She worked at a neighborhood bar and invited me over the next day.

 

I went and we clicked.

 

I waited for her shift to end and we heavy petted and kissed in the parking lot.

 

no money or undies exchanged, that was forgotten we were just two people with a connection.

 

 

We started texting and talking multiple times a day major conversations about life, future, kids, etc.

 

She had a live in boyfriend who was also one of her bosses and got her, a great job. Something was missing she said. but she couldn't go

 

for me i stayed for my kid but as this relationship heated up i felt a need to come clean so I told my wife.

 

She was indifferent. Said she didn't care what i did as long as I continued to provide for her and our baby.

It confirmed what I always thought. she just wanted to be a stay at home mom, i gave her that. it's all that mattered.

 

Shared the convo with Natalie, (new girl) and she was so loving, supportive, told me she hated I was treated that way. I was awesome and deserved to be loved.

but she did say she was not willing to leave her guy. Still we talked about being together

kids, houses, said i made a great argument but she couldn't. but i could be her man on the side.

 

i somehow agreed hopeful i'd wear her down.

 

we finally had sex, and then talked about fantasies and fetishes, she had a laundry list of things she wanted me to do to her.

 

but we still only talked and texted all day with a few quick meetings in the car after she left work and before she got home to him

 

The the wife wanted to go out of town to visit relatives. It allowed me a chance to see Natalie. I talked to Natalie and she gave me her schedule of when she was off

I booked the tickets around it. last minute $1100 a piece for wife and kid.

 

Off day comes and i have a full day planned for us. well i get no text, no phone call. Then finally she tells me bf is still home but she'd reach out when he left.

 

The midday finally i get, he's gone but i'm out having drinks with a friend. I was livid what the hell. but ok. let her have her girl time. days' still young. Then I got texts telling me she's drunk and her friend he finds it sooo funny.

 

she's out drinking with a guy.

 

I was like well i'll come get you. she says no "he doesn't like sharing me"

 

wtf?

 

She's out with a guy she's sleeping with and telling me all this and i've switched schedules, and spent a fortune to send family away so we could have time together.

 

we had plans.

 

i told her she needed to come to my house, she kept sending me sad faces and "i'm sorry"

 

never heard from her the rest of the night, nor the next day.

 

then i finally text her.

 

she tells me one of her bosses died, i knew he had been sick, and she was hurt, and trying to keep staff morale high. but very short quick answers.

 

I told her I was very sorry, but then immediately said we needed to talk. she said ok she would call me tomorrow.

 

but she didn't never did

 

for days

 

then i texted her and asked if she was angry with me, she said no. it had just been crazy.

 

i told her i had a horrible week, and had a lot of pain and frustration and we needed to talk.

 

she said, she was sorry. and we would talk tomorrow....

 

well that's in a few hours from now.

 

I don't even know what to say if... and that's a big if. if she calls.

 

I want to go off on her. but in all honesty we're not dating, she can see who she wants.

 

but not keeping plans sucks.

 

and telling me she's ****ing another guy hurt my heart. i had no idea i had such strong feelings until she told me that

even my friends who know all about her were shocked and how hard i took it.

 

I want to recapture what we had, but i can't be walked all over either.

 

any advice? what should I say to her? How do I get her to feel just half of the pain i felt when she stood me up for this other guy.

 

 

Please give me your two cents.

[salparadise]

I want to recapture what we had, but i can't be walked all over either.

 

any advice? what should I say to her? How do I get her to feel just half of the pain i felt when she stood me up for this other guy.

 

Please give me your two cents.

 

This chick is a histrionic attention whore. She gets her jollies from being pursued and reeling in challenging men. The only reciprocation that will happen is when she perceives a high-value target treating her with indifference, in which case she'll do what she must to keep him on the string. You lost because you are easy. She doesn't see you as high-value anymore, so your attention doesn't do anything for her. She'd probably get a little boost of dopamine if you threw an emotional fit and gave her one more chance to step on you. The only thing you can do to make her feel bad is to ignore her. That will be hard for her to deal with if she's expecting to get a little more out of you. But since she has this other guy, and maybe several others, the effect will be minimal. Ignoring her is only going to send her into convulsions while you're the active target, which you no longer are. The best you can do now is preserve what little dignity you have left, and the worst thing you can do to her is ignore her. You might get a slight rise out of her if you can raise her expectations just before cutting her off completely, but I think she's done with you and moved on already.

[hoping2heal]

Are you familiar with the phrase "There is no honor amongst thieves" ? I may even be paraphrasing it but that's how I've always heard it.

 

Moral of the story is that this woman used her boss to pay her bills and get a good job. You already knew that. She was in a relationship and living with another (this boss) man. Again, you already knew that. One side of her mouth told you how awesome you were and that you deserved love, while the other side of her mouth was saying "Oooh but sorry, kind of can't get that love from me because I'm with someone else and I won't leave him". Do I even need to go into the selling her underwear for cash thing...

 

I mean what on earth were you expecting from someone who uses other people and screws around on her live in boyfriend? Oh, I suppose you were expecting that you'd be the exception to the rule. But once again..no honor amongst thieves.

 

You may be a husband for show but you're a father for real. Don't start going down the road of paying her back in un-kind. The woman is bad news. If you and your wife want to have an open marriage, etc. Fine, great, grand but you need to set your standards a bit higher and quit falling for con artists or this is what you'll get in the end.

[lustlovelost]

I understand.

 

One of my friends even said, "you always said it was just a needed escape."

 

She was shocked I took the news so hard. Hell I was shocked.

 

But I guess I really did buy in even if I didn't realize it.

 

You really think ignoring her is the best advice?

 

I was going to tell her how she mad me feel and move on.

 

Of course my friend says I should threaten to expose her to her live in boyfriend. I know his name, his Facebook, where he works, and i have tons of pics of his girlfriend doing very dirty things.

 

He says use it as leverage to make her do what I want, even if just for a day.

Just sounds like it would end poorly.

 

 

As for my current marriage. We realize how this situation would be negative four our child. We're awesome actors. Lots of hugging, kissing, hand holding, loving statements around our child.

 

She has no idea we don't sleep in the same bed.We're awake after her and up before her.

 

Our clothes etc are all in "Mommy & Daddy's room" Daddy just sleeps in the guest room.

 

We do everything to make sure our kid sees nothing but happiness. We're awesome parents

[CarrieT]

We're awesome parents

No, you are shysters.

 

There will become a point where your child is old enough to know that his/her parents' life is a sham.

 

And in the meantime, you are going to go through a lot of experiences and desires with people like "Natalie" and you are going to want more for your life than a fake marriage.

[FitChick]

She's just like your wife -- both women use men for money. Get a divorce. You will still have to support the kid but you will be free to date legally. While you are at it, get a vasectomy so you don't find yourself in the same situation with a different baby mama.

[RebelWithoutACause]

The "big phone call" should be to:

 

1st - a therapist,

 

2nd - a good divorce lawyer.

 

Seriously.

[BradJacobs]

You really think ignoring her is the best advice?

Yes. Why don't you think it is?

 

I was going to tell her how she mad me feel and move on.

Closure isn't always a good thing. Why give her the satisfaction of the pain that she caused? Go no contact.

 

Of course my friend says I should threaten to expose her to her live in boyfriend. I know his name, his Facebook, where he works, and i have tons of pics of his girlfriend doing very dirty things.

That's low. You lost. Take it like a man and move on. You knew there were other men in this game when you first started and now that she's decided to stop making you a part of her rotation you want revenge? Grow up.

 

 

He says use it as leverage to make her do what I want, even if just for a day.

Just sounds like it would end poorly.

Even worse. Your going to blackmail her for sex for a day? Seriously you have issues if that's even crossed your mind as an alternative to no contact.

 

 

As for my current marriage. We realize how this situation would be negative four our child. We're awesome actors. Lots of hugging, kissing, hand holding, loving statements around our child.

 

She has no idea we don't sleep in the same bed.We're awake after her and up before her.

 

Our clothes etc are all in "Mommy & Daddy's room" Daddy just sleeps in the guest room.

 

We do everything to make sure our kid sees nothing but happiness. We're awesome parents

Your child may not notice today but that doesn't mean your child will never notice you both are living a lie.

 

Stop playing house with a woman who wants nothing to do with you. Grow some brass and do the right thing by putting an end to it.

Edited July 8, 2013 by BradJacobs

[Imajerk17]

I was going to stop reading the OP about halfway down (I already knew how it was going to end by then), but then I actually read all the way to the bottom. I know, way too much free time...

 

This is how I see it though. No wonder why the OP is so upset. Given the OP's situation--in a sham of a marriage--this girl and all her issues was probably the best the OP could do. I mean seriously, do you really think many quality women are going to willingly go for a guy who is married and still living with his wife?

 

OP if your own dating life means anything to you (not to mention the example you are passing on to your child), then you need to get a divorce. There are plenty of single fathers who are awesome dads and who have a great dating life.

[lustlovelost]

I met with a divorce lawyer this morning.

 

My fear is my baby momma will likely move back to washington state to be with her family.

 

I'm literally on the opposite side of country, i worry about seeing my daughter.

 

it's a huge price to pay

 

but i'm doing it.

 

I'm ignoring natalie, she called. no response.

 

thanks

[StayBeautiful]

Don't call her "baby momma", it's derogatory and you're married to her. It took both of you to make that child, so don't come off all superior. What it boils down to is that you were a married man buying dirty panties off a stranger. Your wife doesn't deserve that treatment no matter how much the two of you are unsuited. Sort out your incompatibility - via divorce if you must - but don't degrade her while doing it. Your behaviour has been far more abhorrent.

[pcplod]

Don't call her "baby momma", it's derogatory and you're married to her. It took both of you to make that child, so don't come off all superior. What it boils down to is that you were a married man buying dirty panties off a stranger. Your wife doesn't deserve that treatment no matter how much the two of you are unsuited. Sort out your incompatibility - via divorce if you must - but don't degrade her while doing it. Your behaviour has been far more abhorrent.

 

That sounds like a biased retort based on bitter experience. Projection is such a sordid business.

[StayBeautiful]

Not at all. I'd say the same to his wife if it was her selling her panties to strangers and referring to the OP as Baby Daddy.

[shexy]

My two cents is: what did you expect to happen? Seriously?

 

I think you and your wife being in the marriage you're in is crap. Why are you both selfishly holding the other back from having a happy life?

 

And along comes some undie selling chick, and you think she really wants a relationship with you? She's living with someone already, why would you even mess with her in the first place?

 

She was just fooling around with you because she was bored, she had no intention of any relationship with you. And who cares, cause you won't leave your wife and get a REAL relationship.

 

My suggestion to you is, get divorced, THEN worry about finding a girlfriend. Why would you want to raise a kid in an unhappy, unloving environment anyway?

[RonaldS]

Let me get this straight....

 

You met a girl online who was selling her panties to pervs, and you can't figure out why a relationship with this girl isn't working?

[lustlovelost]

I'm not sure what else you want me to say.

 

I met with a lawyer today, and talked to my wife.

 

She's livid and doesn't want a divorce, I told her I do.

 

I told her I'd stay if we do counseling and come up with a plan. She refused. Her father is a psychiatrist and she doesn't believe in them... weird but long story.

 

 

 

As for the divorce, my lawyer says I don't need one.

 

We're waiting for a final opinion, but it's a belief that because we got married abroad and never got anything filed here, they don't think we're legally married but are checking the law.

 

None the less, that process is underway, despite her objections.

 

I have not spoken to undie girl anymore.

 

 

Please, just let me handle this now.

 

I read all the insults, I've read about my stupidity, I'm taking action, i just needed some advice and don't have any family, or many close friends

 

It's selfish for me to come and ask for advice then when it gets tough ask it to stop. I realize that.

 

Just realize, I'm human I made mistakes, I've taken the majority advice, and i'm moving in that direction.

 

Chris

[CarrieT]

 

Just realize, I'm human I made mistakes, I've taken the majority advice, and i'm moving in that direction.

 

Chris

 

For that, you are to be heartily commended. Seriously. I raked you over the coals and I am proud you are taking steps towards a more honest lifestyle that will allow you to eventually have a fulfilling relationship with someone worthy.

 

Bravo.

[salparadise]

Please, just let me handle this now.

 

I read all the insults, I've read about my stupidity, I'm taking action, i just needed some advice and don't have any family, or many close friends

 

It's selfish for me to come and ask for advice then when it gets tough ask it to stop. I realize that.

 

Just realize, I'm human I made mistakes, I've taken the majority advice, and i'm moving in that direction.

 

Chris

 

Hey man, don't worry about the harshness - this is an internet forum and most people are only able to view your situation from where they're standing, not from where you are. Nevertheless, it helps you to see that the where you're standing isn't working for you.

 

So many of us end up make similar compromises. We stay in dysfunctional relationships and convince ourselves that it's the best we can do, and deny that we're miserable as we give up little pieces of who we really are to maintain the illusion... until there comes a tipping point.

 

Your tipping point was the realization that you are so desperate for affection that you were looking to crazy-craigslist-panty-woman as a way of getting your fundamental human needs met! Now you're saying to yourself, if where I'm standing is really that bad I can move. The first step is a big one. Kudos to you for taking action. I would only add that the path to self-actualization is long and each step is both difficult and rewarding. Keep moving and be true to yourself.