Lordhellish Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I was in a LTR, just over 6 years. I am 32 she is 28. We broke up March 2013, 6 months after buying our first house together, her dream house. We had lived in my previous house for 4.5 years, seemingly happy. My problem with the break up is the speed in which it happened and she moved on. Now I know the usual response is I didn’t see the warning signs, and I have been racking my memory to pinpoint them. At this point realising I didn’t see the warning signs would be a good thing! That’s better than this is totally random, and feeling as though its just a mistake that’s getting worse. We bought a big house as we were ready to start trying for a child. Something she mentioned a week before leaving me. Valentines day (two weeks before breakup) she certainly makes an effort in the bedroom, which had been happening more and more since moving in to the house. I bought her a diamond ring which she showed everyone, and just seemed so happy. Yes we were no longer in the honeymoon stage, but still felt incredibly in love with her, and her me. We fought only a handful of times in our relationship, and not heated discussions or anything in 7 months prior. We had been through ups and downs with each other, I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. She NEVER gave a hint that she wasn’t happy. Something she admitted to people after the breakup that she just doesn't communicate ( I already knew she was bad at communicating but not this bad!) . She did find out mid Feb that she needed knee surgery which meant lots of time of work and 8 months no exercising. I can only think this added to whatever anxiety was going on in her head. D-Day. I went workand she was off, she text me in the morning the usual kind of thing, hey hunny,etc, etc love you x. A few texts backand forth no hint. She goes and does the weekly shopping, tidies up the house, goes opticians to pick up contact lenses. That night I get home she is crying, first thing she says to me while crying is “I don’t love you anymore”, dunno why I immediately ask his name and she tells me it’s a guy from work. Someone I know. A loser, in his 30s lived with his parents, quite fat and ugly, and known to chase the girls around the workplace. I was gobsmacked. Just couldn’t believe it. I ask her to leave. We meet up a few days later I do all the begging and pleading, hoping a few days apart would make her realise what she throwing away. I ask her to marry me. She says no, that she isn’t happy and she isn’t coming back. Next day she goes house hunting with him and a week later they are living together. They are still together 4 months on This shocked all our mutual friends, her work colleagues, her family. She has been ostracized socially from her work friends, they don’t like him and don’t like what she has done. Her sister is furious with her and wants this to end badly for her. She text everyone we knew saying sorry and she hates herself more that anyone else could hate her. I get a text saying sorry she forgot to say but she booked me an eye test for Saturday. She booked me an eye test on the day shedumped me?! WTF A few days later she even text my mother saying I kicked her out and she thinks its over. When I read that is when I asked her to come back and talk, and that I wanted to marry her. She was just behind an emotional wall that day. She came round but didn’t talk, my parents were in the house and she hugged my mum saying sorry, takecare I love you all, then left. A few emails from her totally business like, wanting to sort out possessions and get name off the mortgage. One of the last things she emailed me was that “this will be easier for you when you hate me. And we never need to see each other again” Then basically I haven’t heard from her in 3 months and I haven’t tried. NC both ways I guess. I just don’t get the speed in which everything fell apart, no warning, no wanting to try. Just had a new man in the wings. Turns out they had been getting emotionally closer for two weeks prior. She doesn’t even want to be friends with me, and no breadcrumbs. I would LOVE to have a breadcrumb at this point. Just so I know I am not totally forgotten. Everyone who knows us both are shocked. She appeared to be happy, always talking about me when I wasn't there, making plans for the future. She didn't confide in anyone before telling me. and she has blocked all mutual friends from FB. it is just so odd and feels like a massive mistake, that some anxiety got the better of her and she ran away with the first guy who came along rather than talk.
marqueemoon4 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 That's an awful story man BUT there are some positives.. 1. you didn't get her pregnant 2. you have people who see how cruelly she dumped you and are on your side 3. YOU DIDN'T GET HER PREGNANT If at all possible 180 her back.. I know it seems next to impossible but you have to. Also you mentioned an engagement ring, that b*tch best give it back if she hasn't already. You're gonna be alright man... 2
zendon73 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I was in a LTR, just over 6 years. I am 32 she is 28. We broke up March 2013, 6 months after buying our first house together, her dream house. We had lived in my previous house for 4.5 years, seemingly happy. My problem with the break up is the speed in which it happened and she moved on. Now I know the usual response is I didn’t see the warning signs, and I have been racking my memory to pinpoint them. At this point realising I didn’t see the warning signs would be a good thing! That’s better than this is totally random, and feeling as though its just a mistake that’s getting worse. We bought a big house as we were ready to start trying for a child. Something she mentioned a week before leaving me. Valentines day (two weeks before breakup) she certainly makes an effort in the bedroom, which had been happening more and more since moving in to the house. I bought her a diamond ring which she showed everyone, and just seemed so happy. Yes we were no longer in the honeymoon stage, but still felt incredibly in love with her, and her me. We fought only a handful of times in our relationship, and not heated discussions or anything in 7 months prior. We had been through ups and downs with each other, I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. She NEVER gave a hint that she wasn’t happy. Something she admitted to people after the breakup that she just doesn't communicate ( I already knew she was bad at communicating but not this bad!) . She did find out mid Feb that she needed knee surgery which meant lots of time of work and 8 months no exercising. I can only think this added to whatever anxiety was going on in her head. D-Day. I went workand she was off, she text me in the morning the usual kind of thing, hey hunny,etc, etc love you x. A few texts backand forth no hint. She goes and does the weekly shopping, tidies up the house, goes opticians to pick up contact lenses. That night I get home she is crying, first thing she says to me while crying is “I don’t love you anymore”, dunno why I immediately ask his name and she tells me it’s a guy from work. Someone I know. A loser, in his 30s lived with his parents, quite fat and ugly, and known to chase the girls around the workplace. I was gobsmacked. Just couldn’t believe it. I ask her to leave. We meet up a few days later I do all the begging and pleading, hoping a few days apart would make her realise what she throwing away. I ask her to marry me. She says no, that she isn’t happy and she isn’t coming back. Next day she goes house hunting with him and a week later they are living together. They are still together 4 months on This shocked all our mutual friends, her work colleagues, her family. She has been ostracized socially from her work friends, they don’t like him and don’t like what she has done. Her sister is furious with her and wants this to end badly for her. She text everyone we knew saying sorry and she hates herself more that anyone else could hate her. I get a text saying sorry she forgot to say but she booked me an eye test for Saturday. She booked me an eye test on the day shedumped me?! WTF A few days later she even text my mother saying I kicked her out and she thinks its over. When I read that is when I asked her to come back and talk, and that I wanted to marry her. She was just behind an emotional wall that day. She came round but didn’t talk, my parents were in the house and she hugged my mum saying sorry, takecare I love you all, then left. A few emails from her totally business like, wanting to sort out possessions and get name off the mortgage. One of the last things she emailed me was that “this will be easier for you when you hate me. And we never need to see each other again” Then basically I haven’t heard from her in 3 months and I haven’t tried. NC both ways I guess. I just don’t get the speed in which everything fell apart, no warning, no wanting to try. Just had a new man in the wings. Turns out they had been getting emotionally closer for two weeks prior. She doesn’t even want to be friends with me, and no breadcrumbs. I would LOVE to have a breadcrumb at this point. Just so I know I am not totally forgotten. Everyone who knows us both are shocked. She appeared to be happy, always talking about me when I wasn't there, making plans for the future. She didn't confide in anyone before telling me. and she has blocked all mutual friends from FB. it is just so odd and feels like a massive mistake, that some anxiety got the better of her and she ran away with the first guy who came along rather than talk. God our stories are so similar. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and hopefully in time it will get better. I have been on here getting help but my depression has not subsided. I have decided to see a psychiatrist. Have you thought about that to let things out? She doesn't deserve you my friend 1
Author Lordhellish Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Thanks for the replies. Firstly I just wanted to write my story, and sorry if it was a bit long. I am here venting rather than emailing her asking if we can finally meet up. I have spoken to three therapists, none of which has helped, because I am going there looking for them to explain her actions. I am still going to one a week just to see if they can help me move on. I just think this is just a messed up situation where she always had communication problems (repressed memories from childhood), commitment anxiety, anxiety about her knee and instead of talking and letting the stress out, she got preyed upon by another guy emotionally cheated, maybe physically and ran away rather than face me. Still feels as though she is running away emotionally. I let her keep the ring. I kept the house. Just bewildered about how quickly we went from being each others best friend talking everyday, living our lives to her not wanting to see me again. I wonder constantly if she is in a rebound and what will happen if and when it fails. Will she then actually talk to me. She broke the 3 month NC last week and that's what has sent me in a spin. After the house completed and became mine she sent an email the next day. "Hi, got the papers from the solicitor yesterday, thanks for sorting the house so quickly it is really appreciated. L" so cold, but also so pointless. why even bother sending it. Same day I did hear that her new guy is a bit creepy, and very much likes telling her what to do. Reminds me of her dad, and she has turned into her mum by accepting it. Told the person I don't want to know anymore. Just want to move on and stop thinking about her and what a mistake this is. Don't get why she WANTS me to hate her? Normally people want to stay friends don't they? Moving in with him like a week later, definitely not right.
TaraMaiden Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 As your therapists have possibly told you, accessing the Mind-works of another person is not only pointless, it's also fruitless. Unless you tackle the person themselves, head on, there's little chance of you gaining any insight into what they're thinking, or why. Even confronting them doesn't work, because you get lies, excuses, appeasement or just a complete stone-walling. Your best - indeed, your ONLY - option, is to shift your focus onto yoursel, how best to extricate yourself from all matters practical and business-like, and then to also address the emotional aspect of the heart-break. Understand this: The two are completely separate. Emotion cannot be allowed to influence what you must practically do. And in all seriousness, you should - and have every right to - ask for the ring back. Don't say "it doesn't matter" it most certainly does. Emotionally, speak with your therapist on workable strategies on 'letting go'. One is to quit 'snowballing'. (see next post). The other is to use the Rubber band technique. 2
TaraMaiden Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I read something on the internet, a while back, that struck a chord.... Basically it said that when you're in true distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so. After that, it's self-inflicted. A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact: That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them... They were missing the point. If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time. Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain. So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.' This is the problem with situations like this: Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there".... They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references.... The trick is to not start rolling the snowball. Pick it up and throw it, and move on. It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind. But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'. Pain is valid. Emotions are valid. They deserve to be honoured. But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty. The self inflicted pain begins when you begin to labour the point. When you diversify from the original thought and take that line of thinking into a completely new and unrelated zone. you may THINK it's all related, but it's not. For example: (totally invented and just to demonstrate....) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said.... Here it is again, with the original thought, and where the point starts getting laboured... (1) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, [highlight]snowballing starts here[/highlight] (2) but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said.... See what happened there? You began the snowballing, adding, embellishing, expanding - and feeding your own pain. Feel the feeling (1). Don't labour the point (2). 3
Z33 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Wow, 6.5 years together. I just got out of 2 years long relationship and thought I was in DEEP pain. I do believe it is pointless to find out what she is thinking. I tried to think from my lady's point of view and I just get more confused and have no idea. I think theres nothing you can do at this point to 'make' her come back to you. My lady doesnt want to come back to me so I am doing NC right now. I dont think you can make someone to love you. I am sure you were a sweet guy to her for the last 6.5 years and one day, she will realize she made a wrong choice and would try to come back to you. I wasnt the best boyfriend to my lady but I tried hard for the last 2 years. I hope she changes her mind and come back to me as well. 1
Talulah Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 If she left you for a guy who is a loser and everyone knows it too, then most likely it has to do with her upbringing. Most people are going to be happy when they are treated nicely, but people are going to want to be with people with whom they might perhaps recreate their parent's relationship. Either way, it sounds cliche but she clearly did not deserve you. She knows the pain she is causing and so that is why she told you that it's better if you hate her. Lots of dumpers do this, but few say it. Who knows why she picked this guy. And if he is controlling, then maybe that's what she knows from her relationship with her parents. But this whole buying houses right away with someone she just started dating sounds unstable to me. And no kids are a mayor plus. Find a hot girl to date and flaunt her, see how she reacts then. 2
eleve82 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 This sounds pretty messed up - sorry I don't have anything much to offer in terms of coping solutions. Only time will tell the truth as to why she is acting this way but either way, you should do as she is and move on as well. She does t deserve a seconds thought more than necessary. 1
marqueemoon4 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 She knows the pain she is causing and so that is why she told you that it's better if you hate her. Lots of dumpers do this, but few say it. Interesting, a few months after my exW left, and I found out she had a new bf, we were arguing and I said honestly, I can't help but hate you. Her response? "GOOD" She's so hopelessly broken. And OP.. GET THE GDAMN RING BACK. Unless you signed something legally binding, she should give it back because: A. you didn't get married. thats what the ring is, a promise to marry B. SHE ended it C. why the f would she want it??
Author Lordhellish Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Thanks Tara and everyone else for replying, it has helped me get out of the mood I was in over the weekend. To TM - I have read and applied the rubber band technique. I done this a week or two after DDay. I went through about 10 bands before giving up as it wasn't helping. I agree with the whole 12 minute snowball affect. I will bear that in mind when I start pondering about life. There must be a connection to allowing yourself to cry as well, always feel better if you let yourself weep then move on. Yes I do think a lot of her personality boils down to childhood experiences in her case, and she seems to have fallen into some sort of cliché. At first I tried fitting her into a BPD diagnosis, that doesn't fit, then GIGS but that doesn't ring true either. From what I can gather she is now socially withdrawn, has gone back to smoking (gave up for 5 years), and feels as though she DESERVES the guilt and shame. Funny thing is I would take her back in a heartbeat if she just realised she has taken a wrong turn. It would definitely need couples counselling though.... Well anyway I digress, I must focus on me, and stop thinking about what would happen if she came back. She isn't going to.
Author Lordhellish Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Ha about the ring. Honestly I don't care. Possessions / money wise I won. She left with basically nothing, furniture / house wise. She did leave the ring on the stairs the night she left along with her house keys, but I packed it up with her other jewellery and she knows its there. For me its worth the £££ if she looks at it in the future and she remembers I was good to her. Maybe she will feel 10% of the pain and loss I feel. I would rather stay on the high ground on this one. If anything I would like the car I bought her back, but legally it is hers. Just REALLY wish I hadn't filled the tank up the night before....
Talulah Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Interesting, a few months after my exW left, and I found out she had a new bf, we were arguing and I said honestly, I can't help but hate you. Her response? "GOOD" She's so hopelessly broken. And OP.. GET THE GDAMN RING BACK. Unless you signed something legally binding, she should give it back because: A. you didn't get married. thats what the ring is, a promise to marry B. SHE ended it C. why the f would she want it?? My ex, who is a really nice guy, try to make me hate him in the end, after trying to break it off in a normal manner. But I was always twice as nice to him just because he wanted me to get mad at him and I didn't :/.....I know that made him guilty:p. Get the ring back
Z33 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I went over to my ex's apartment on last saturday night to get some files from the laptop shes using (it was mine) She asked me to take it back but I told her I just need files. I tried to talk to her since I got a job offer from overseas but I dont think I want to take the job. Instead of listening to my story, she started yelling at me and ignored me. I got the files and asked her why shes so angry about me. She said she hates me, dont want to see me anymore, she never loved me, and blah blah. She tried to run into her room and I stopped her (not much force involved to be honest) and she started hitting me. Not that it hurt but I still dont understand why she hit me. I think I got hit like 56 combos. I left the laptop and didnt take back the early birthday present I got for her (A mirror-less camera) Now, I regret a little. I should've taken the laptop and the camera back lol If you wont regret at all, its your choice to get the ring back or not.
Author Lordhellish Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 So found out this evening that the ex emailed my godparents two weeks ago. We often visited them. My godparents wanted to talk to me before replying to her. Said I didn't want to know anything unless she is asking their advice on how to get back together. Well obviously it wasn't about that. I just find her actions so strange. They are my godparents why bother contacting them?! You try so hard to move on (her wish) and the knife gets turned a little bit more. Now I am so curious as to what she wrote but I know logical it won't make me feel any better. Just here to vent. Maybe someone can offer insight into this little world my ex seems to live in.
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