Long distance relationship and now bf does not want to get married.

[Miki]

Hi,

 

My name is Miki and I have been in a relationship with this man for 7 years now. We are both in our 30's. Two years ago he moved away for a better career and left me here in this city. I have no desire to move over there as I do have all my friends and family and my job here.

 

Prior to him moving away, we had talked about marriage and he had mentioned to me that we would "oneday" get married but not yet. I was okay with that. Now 2 weeks ago, he has decided that he doesn't want to ever get married. This was really upsetting for me as I have been with this one person for 7 years thinking that we would have a future together. Now I am feeling really down and sad and I can't figure out why all of a sudden he would confess this to me, knowing that I would be upset with it. He claims that he had told me this from the 'beginning' and that I knew what kind of man he was. I didn't agree with him because we did talk about it a few times but not always. One time when I tried to talk to him about this issue, I mentioned that there is no point in sticking around and hence there is no future here for him and I and he mumbled something about how we WILL get married etc. All of this is just too confusing. I really think he is just saying that so that I would stay where I am and not leave him but seriously I don't feel he loves me enough to marry me.

 

My question now is what do I do? I am really considering moving on and getting on with my life. I would like to have children oneday but the older a woman is the harder it is for one to have a child coupled with the many complications that would arise as one waits into their late 30's to have kids.

 

I have already told him that and he says that we could have kids now but marriage can come after that. That just doesn't make any sense to me. I would not want to have a child in that way. Why should I stay with someone who doesn't value the same things as me.

 

Could someone please advise me on what to do?? I have been with this person for so long and I do love him alot.

I don't just want to throw everything away but wouldn't most women walk away knowing that they will never get what they want in the end?

 

 

Miki

[Merin]

If Marriage and Children are important to you, and your guy has told you it's not going to happen with him...

 

Believe him...

 

Decide if that is something you can live with. If it is.. then maybe stay with him, If it isn't.. well then you already know what the answer is.

 

Best Wishes

[Majik45]

If he hasn't married you in 7 years, I don't think he ever will. It would be one thing if you guys had been together 7 years and were both getting out of college, but since you're older, I don't think he will ever marry you.

 

I would move forward and look for someone who can give you what you're looking for.

[Miki]

Well this is quite disappointing to read. Do you think my boyfriend could be just lying about not wanting to get married so that he will see how I would react?

 

Miki

[jellybean]

Originally posted by Miki

Well this is quite disappointing to read. Do you think my boyfriend could be just lying about not wanting to get married so that he will see how I would react?

 

No Miki, that's not likely...I think you're in denial.

[tiki]

Miki, I am sorry for your pain, I know it must be unbearable. I agree with merin...if you want marriage and kids and he does not, it's really a simple answer, lose him. Lose him now and give yourself a head start on finding someone on your own wavelength. I don't think he's testing you, either. Good luck.

[Miki]

Hi,

 

Well I can't explain why he is being so honest about this all of a sudden. I remember when he moved away, he said to me that we would eventually get married. He said he didn't know when but we would.

 

So I basically left it as that. Only until recently one of his best friends got engaged and when he told me about it, he also told me that he didn't want to get married ever. I don't understand. I am not in a denial. I find it very odd that he would even say that to me knowing how I would react. Could it be that he wants to let me go but after 7 years with a person I just don't see it being so easy to fall out of love. Could it be that he is seeing someone new right now behind my back and without me knowing?? I don't like thinking this way but could it be?

 

There was one incident where we were having dinner and out of the blue, he says in a very serious manner that he has been seeing someone for 2 months now... I was shocked. I don't remember what he or I said after that.. I assumed he was joking.... Do you think possibly this could be true and said it to see how I would react?

 

How could someone who claims that they love me hurt me emotionally in that way?

 

I'm sorry for writing yet again.....but I don't know what to do. It's not easy walking away from someone whom you shared so much with..

 

Miki

[JoL]

Oh dear..

 

You didnt follow this up, find out, demand answers, yell, scream and bring the house down demanding to know what the HELL he's going on about? I really think you should find out what is up with your significant other. It sounds like he is trying to either..

 

a. tell you he has met someone else..which you seemed to have brushed over as a silly passing comment- which it's not!!!

 

b. tell you he doesn't see a marriage-based future with you

or

 

c. he wants out of this relationship and doesnt know how else to break it to you.

 

What were his reasons for not wanting marriage?

 

A person would never say out of the blue "im seeing someone else" if..well..they werent.

 

I think you are in denial about this situation- the warning signs are all there.

[JoL]

Another thing..please believing that he said things to "see how you would react".

 

Only an extremely hurtful and sick man would make up stuff like "i dont want to marry you" and "im seeing someone else" as ways to "test" you.

 

I know it's hard to accept- but your partner hasnt said these things to test you- he has said them to be honest with you..but it seems like you are in denial.

 

Its time to have a serious talk with this man and figure out your future.

[lovangel]

in my opinion which this is all that you should take it for...

being a woman we all have emotions that tie us to our relationships the good ones, bad ones, ones that hurt us , and ones that make us stronger ; what ever the case maybe all we can do is learn from those relationships ... im sure you have heard that a million times right! set your emotions aside for a moment. The thing is we have no choice in what the other person wants out of a relationship we cant control how they feel nor should we try. Be true to yourself!! i read what you had to say and it looks to me that through out these past 7years maybe you havent been completely true to yourself. Maybe hoping that one day he would marry you, want to have kids, and get that white picket fence we as girls always wanted.

Did you all along let him know that what you wanted was to have that dream or were you untrue to yourself push your want, needs, and feelings aside so that it would better fit what you thought he wanted. i suggest you look inside for once see what you want and be true to you. You know what that is and if he's not in your plan for the future maybe its time that you to start healing from this relationship so that next time around there wont be so much confusion.

[miki]

Thanks for all who have responded. You guys are absolutely right. My first step is to slowly let go of him, it won't be easy but I will have to in order to be happy. If he doesn't want the same thing as me than what is the point in staying.

 

I don't think I could do this right now with the holidays just around the corner, but I plan to after Christmas. My family have no idea what the situation is and I am glad I have spared them of the grief. My friends think that he might just change his mind but how long can I wait for him... The sad thing about all of this was that I had stayed in this relationship this long to have him tell me that he doesn't want to get married. After supporting him(emotionally) through his studies and being there for him whenever he needed me I would have thought this man did love me as much as I love him. I love him so much that I helped him move even though the days leading up to him leaving this city I was so crushed but I supported him all the way because I didn't want him to be unhappy.

 

People get married and want to get married because they have found the right person whom they want to share the rest of their lives with and in my sad case I guess my boyfriend just doesn't love me enough.

 

Well I thank you all once again for your advise.

 

Miki

[Velveteel]

Miki,

 

I have to agree with the earlier posters, and with what you've just written: you have to let go of him. For whatever reason, he does not want to marry you, and has started seeing someone else.

 

Allow yourself to feel as much anger over this as you can. It will help counter those feelings of denial, and also help you separate from someone whom you obviously love deeply. Then you'll be free to find the man who will want the same things that you want. And prepare yourself, too, for him to struggle against losing you--if not immediately, then in the coming months. As the reality of the break-up sinks in, he may begin to tell you things that you want to hear, hoping to draw you back in. Be careful of your heart.

 

Good luck.

[Semli]

Originally posted by Majik45

If he hasn't married you in 7 years, I don't think he ever will. It would be one thing if you guys had been together 7 years and were both getting out of college, but since you're older, I don't think he will ever marry you.

Can't agree here. I've been with my g/f for 5 years now - one of which has been LD.

 

We have a couple more years of LD ahead of us and have a lot of obstacles to overcome, but I fully intend to marry her once we're back together. She knows this and we're both willing to wait.

 

So, while I won't have married her in seven years, I will eventually...