Tau Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 This is a question for any BS, but particularly BH, Did you have to deal with an intensely renewed interest in other women/men? How did it effect your R? I'm a BH, who is working on R for the better part of a year. I still love my W, I'm pretty sure I want us to stay together, keep working on this marriage. Extra obstacle? This event has so intensely expanded my awareness of women around me! (and I think, in turn, they notice me even more) I never cheated on my wife, in all the years we've been together (though admittedly there were some close calls). It's all the more frustrating because I've been given the option several times over our time together, AND we were virgins at marriage (something I understand as a mistake in retrospect, personally). In a bid to magically escape all this general malaise, it seems so enticing. And it's not making anything easier. My wife and I married young, and now that I know more about life and who I am, it's compelling to just dive in and enjoy what life provides. In the past, I would've felt guilty and imagined her crying, and that'd be enough to kill any mood. But I notice that voice has been utterly silent since Dday. But I imagine that makes R much harder than it already is. What are your experiences? Surely I'm not the only one to experience this.
Sadwife37 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I am a BW, but did experience very similar feelings. My H and I started dating in high school. We stayed together all during university and married when we were 26. We were each others only sexual partner. I also believe this was a huge mistake. After 10 years of marriage and 3 kids I found out H had an A with a co-worker. The relationship built slowly from a friendship. Both were married with kids. There was no intent on either side to leave families or start a new serious relationship. The A was fun, sexy, exciting, and easy. It ended totally on D Day for both parties when it came out and both are remorseful and trying to R. I was absolutely devastated. An emotional wreck. What got me past the horrible emotional lows was focusing on other feelings, thoughts and emotions. I thought about revenge. I thought about ways to get even. I fantasizes about sex a lot. Totally out of character for me. I would say most of my life I didn't even notice other men. I was happily married and busy. Focusing on my life. I wouldn't even notice if I guy I encountered was nice looking. A man was basically a man. After the A a lot of men were HOT. And I was a raging ball of hormones. Looking back it is surprising that given my emotional state I never acted out. I made it clear to my H that I had freebies- any time I wanted. he got to experience someone else and so could I if i ever chose. I actually said out loud to him " this is not over until I have a big bl*** di** in my mou**. Hahaha. The thoughts still make me smile. The thoughts made my H cringe at the time. But i honestly believe he would have accepted anything i did during this recovery process. The thoughts eased my pain. Now we are 20 months past D Day. I still notice attractive men far more than I ever did before. But my desire to act out has faded. I believe it faded with my rage and pain.
Zenstudent Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I could have written this post myself, except for the doubts. I think it's a good thing that you both get aware of and recognize the fact that you have other options as well. One justification you'll often hear from WS is "You took me for granted.... etc." - maybe so, but it's just as often a fact that the WS takes the BS for granted. It's a given that you will choose to stay and work it out after betrayal. The wandering eye, as you call it, proves to both you and your wife, that you are not a sitting duck waiting for the next shot to hit. You both know that replacing your wife is a real possibility. It increases your value in her eyes, is my take. Just don't over-do it so it creates insecurity instead. 1
underwater2010 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Quite simply yes. After and prior I have dealt with men hitting on me. It is the choice of whether you pursue it further or not that counts.
dichotomy Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) I am a BH. The complications go way beyond wife's EA and her issues finding real remorse..... it also includes her hidden sexual past, and current sexual issues in our marriage. I have spent most of my past putting a high value on faithfulless/monogmay and the connection between sex and love After so many arguments and debates over these things with WS,and on going therapy... I find myself going from "affair proof" to "affair resisitant". That is I would never pursue another woman, but I am greatful one has not blantenly offered. But yes - I do find myself checking out other women, and being aware of their noticing me, more than I ever have while in a relationship. It is sad, because this was goes against how I was "hard wired" ...previous to this betrayl and issues. Edited July 8, 2013 by dichotomy 1
Spark1111 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Oh this is very normal. I remember sitting in IC asking Why the hell had I been so good, devoted and faithful despite ample opportunity otherwise when all it had gotten me was betrayed? Couple that resentment with feeling oh, so, rejected and worthless, yes! I noticed and was being noticed and it played with my head. But I concluded it is NOT who I am and would have ultimately felt disgusted with myself for acting on it. It would have been borne upon insecurity, not confidence, and I would have regretted it. 1
Furious Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) This is a question for any BS, but particularly BH, Did you have to deal with an intensely renewed interest in other women/men? How did it effect your R? I'm a BH, who is working on R for the better part of a year. I still love my W, I'm pretty sure I want us to stay together, keep working on this marriage. Extra obstacle? This event has so intensely expanded my awareness of women around me! (and I think, in turn, they notice me even more) I never cheated on my wife, in all the years we've been together (though admittedly there were some close calls). It's all the more frustrating because I've been given the option several times over our time together, AND we were virgins at marriage (something I understand as a mistake in retrospect, personally). In a bid to magically escape all this general malaise, it seems so enticing. And it's not making anything easier. My wife and I married young, and now that I know more about life and who I am, it's compelling to just dive in and enjoy what life provides. In the past, I would've felt guilty and imagined her crying, and that'd be enough to kill any mood. But I notice that voice has been utterly silent since Dday. But I imagine that makes R much harder than it already is. What are your experiences? Surely I'm not the only one to experience this. I had the opportunity to cheat throughout my entire marriage. I just never did. Just because someone is married doesn't mean they've become blind to the opposite sex. Ironically when I became a betrayed spouse a part of me was so pissed off because I had shut down many attractions and took my vows seriously and in the end my loyalty counted for nothing. On my d-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. I get it, cheating is a cowardly action, because otherwise if the playing field is even it takes the thrill and excitement out of the affair dynamic. Most cheaters don't want a divorce, they just want something on the side to feed their ego. It's not rocket science to deceive the one person who trusts you. Cheaters depend upon and rely upon the trust of their spouse in order to successfully cheat. I realized I was not interested in a revenge affair. It's not my style. Most cheaters who embark on an affair convince themselves their affair is unique and they're so special. After reading and learning about affairs, most if not all affairs are rather cliche and cookie cutter. No one is immune to affairs, whether they were their spouses first lover or if they've had dozens of sexual partners before getting married. Cheating is choice, and a very selfish choice. I shocked my husband by going on a "soulmate" expedition at a fine bar in my city. By the end of the evening I had three phone numbers in my bag. Two of the men were married and one was single. I had worn my wedding band and it did not deter them. It was like shooting fish in a barrel and not some cosmic miracle and amazing connection most cheaters claim it to be. Most WS's would flip if they themselves are cheated on. Hypocrisy at it's best. I have no interest to reconcile and flirt with a revenge affair because I know it's too easy to go against my core values and I like who I am and as much as being betrayed has hurt me, my self esteem has not wavered. I'm either an all in or all out type of person. I'd rather divorce than to stay stuck in a marriage that has reached it's expiration date. Edited July 8, 2013 by Furious 4
drifter777 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 As I said to you in another thread, you are avoiding truly confronting your wife about her cheating and the devastation she has done to you. When you push your emotions into the dark corners of your mind, they tend to come out in strange ways. Ways like intensely renewed interest in other women, passive aggressive behavior, random feelings of overwhelming sadness or shame or anger - all the things you are working so hard to deny. Look, you need to see a counselor and start working on yourself. Get started on it - call a counselor and make an appointment right now. 1
BetrayedH Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Unless you want to feel worse than you already do, I'd recommend shutting down that wandering eye. As your wife should have done, either fix your marriage or leave it; those are the ethical choices in front of you. Sadly, I'm speaking from experience. 3
Snowflower Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 But yes - I do find myself checking out other women, and being aware of their noticing me, more than I ever have while in a relationship. It is sad, because this was goes against how I was "hard wired" ...previous to this betrayl and issues. I was a BW but this is very much my experience as well. Before my H's affair, I would feel guilty/bad for even noticing that another man was attractive. As soon as I noticed myself thinking "hey, he is pretty cute...," I would shut it down in my head and then feel a little guilty toward my H. However, these days I don't feel at all bad for noticing an attractive guy. And, I usually notice now if a guy is aware of me. Before his A, I NEVER, I mean NEVER, noticed if a guy was checking me out. My H would sometimes say something because guys will notice other guys looking, but me? Nope. Like dichotomy mentioned, I was hardwired for loyalty so whereas before it wasn't in me to really look, I "notice" guys more now. I won't cheat though. I have had enough/too much experience with infidelity to last me a lifetime! :eek: 1
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