Tau Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Hey, I'm a BH that has been reeling from a 9 year marriage, shaken within the last year. My question to other BS.. How did you battle the depression? It's never been this bad. I find myself utterly apathetic (when I'm not trying to ride that crazy bull of thoughts in my head). It's compounded by the fact I'm historically a pretty driven person, so it's a fairly stark contrast. My WS and I are still together (though some days are full of thoughts/desires to the contrary). I'm trying to eat right, sleep better, exercise, go outside. But I find myself only half present in conversations. I think I make pretty bad company. I also forget to eat I find. I've lost quite a bit of weight and I feel generally kind of slow/stiff. It's hard to lose myself in work, or anything really. I'm just really sick of it, and welcome any suggestions (outside of prescription anything). I'm also trying to avoid blatant escapism (alcohol, pot, whatever). Seems a bit too cliché. I know it's highly individualized, but for the follow-up bonus question: how long does this stupid depression tend to last?
Journee Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I have battled depression even before all of this mess. I also was pregnant at the time DDay hit so after having our youngest I had Post Partum Depression and it was rough. I had a rough delivery (C-section did not go well) so my body took some time healing. I just started P90x a couple of weeks ago to get my body back right. Two babies in two years can change things I recommend exercise as well. Yoga was great a suggestion. I know it may not be a man's first choice but it is ride and the relief you feel afterwards is amazing. You truly just focus on each posture and not a thing else. Some transitions take a lot of balance and focus. I am sorry you are hurting and I am not sure what advice to give. If there is anything that you once enjoyed doing I suggest picking that back up. I have busied myself a lot here lately with projects around that house. Do you have children OP?
Confused48 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 As a couple we spend lots of time together-laying in bed holding each other and not talking, just relaxing and enjoying being together- I found this helpful myself. Even right post Dday when (I beleive) my WS was not yet truly remorseful. Still being with WS and holding each other, some how got me feeling ok again. I know it is codependent. The way I was doing it I mean. Running to WS to cure me of my bad feelings. So I don't recommend it except as a short term solution. It got me through a rough patch until I could get through the bad feelings without needing WS to hold me. 1
dichotomy Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Exercise is good. Yoga does help, you can get some good DVD’s from amazon to do at home. Yoga for Beginners Boxed set (yoga for stress relief) on amazon was a great beginner set Do watch your diet, eat plenty of protein and take vitamins Antidepressants, you said to skip, but I feel they don’t work for “real problems” anyway. However individual and marriage counseling have helped - particular individual counseling. I have women for both IC and MC. Strangely I thought it would be easier for me to talk to a guy on my own, but talking to a woman turned out to be very helpful Listening to music, or watching movies on my devices are helpful for depression. Occasionally when the thoughts get too much in my head – I take a “double time” work lunch and go see a movie The depression for me was not only the loss, but the fear of weather there could ever be full reconciliation, or to make things healthy and right. It also include at first self esteme issues (which I fixed mostly) While I fought the battle for reconciliation – I decided to open up other ideas for myself – new hobbies, ideas for my life and future. Kind of untangling my life from my marriage and wife….in other words what kind of things I have always wanted to try but did not. What kind of things might I pursue if I was single? Then let’s try those. Martial arts, motor cycle lessons, a 5K race, reading new books, and being ok with a little flirting with other women. I can’t tell you any of this cures the depression – but it keeps it (mostly) from getting out of control
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I went on anti-depressants 1 year into reconciliation because the Holiday season was coming up and I felt that those triggers would send me deeper into depression. It was a last resort option for my sanity. I stayed on them for 18 months.
Author Tau Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Journee, We have no kids. We've both been very career minded. So it's just us, which has presented an option for complete cut and run from the torrent of the A. ugh. Thank you all for the insight. It's good to see so much of humanity laid bare, and helpful. It's a nice contrast to the selfish darkness brought on by WS.
drifter777 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 If you are not seeing a counselor regularly and opposed to taking medication then you just might not feel better for a long, long time. You really need IC and MC - a different counselor for each - if you are serious about reconciling with your WW. What you are doing is avoiding the confrontation with your wife that you need in order to even begin to feel "normal". Since you don't have kids I would recommend divorcing because true reconciliation takes years of hard, painful work. In the end you might still end up divorcing anyway so think long and hard before taking that path. Either way you need to focus on your own, personal recovery from the horrible betrayal your wife perpetrated on you. See a counselor who can help you to start sorting out your true feelings. 1
compulsivedancer Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I know this is a bit off-topic, but Tau, your story and the way you write remind me so much of my H that I double-checked with him to make sure he hadn't posted on the forum and changed the details a bit (he hadn't). I don't know if there are actually any parallels when you get into the details, and I don't know if I'm anything like your wife.... My husband and I are 6 months from DDay. He has spent a lot of time focusing on working out and eating healthily. He has dipped below 200 lbs for the first time since high school. I never really connected this with the affair (other than him dropping weight after DDay) because he's been losing weight for a while, but I know it's a goal that he can fight for and something he can control. Since the affair threw his life out of control, he desperately needs that. Additionally, I know he struggles with the wandering eye that you mentioned in a previous post. I think that being attractive and knowing women want him make him feel better after feeling completely rejected by me (for a slightly less attractive man, though I don't know if he believes that).
Author Tau Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Good to know guys like me get commitment issues. I can understand the weight loss. I often go without eating, and sleeping is spottier than it needs to be. I read your other posts, Compulsive. If your H and I are cut from the same cloth, then he probably can't believe that you find him attractive. Then again I wouldn't take back your selfish a**, so it wouldn't matter. After what you and his best friend did, I imagine his self worth and trust in others is completely broken. Or maybe he doesn't care. I know I've become numb to my W's affection. It feels very hollow. I believe my WW regrets it all, but there's still this thick padding between us. She feels like an enemy, but I love her. I imagine a double betrayal would taint a man's soul. That's too much. At least I'm not dealing with that. I feel for your husband. If he's a good man I hope he can stay one. He deserves that wandering eye. If he's a looker, maybe it'll help him find a woman he deserves.
Confused48 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Good to know guys like me get commitment issues. I can understand the weight loss. I often go without eating, and sleeping is spottier than it needs to be. I read your other posts, Compulsive. If your H and I are cut from the same cloth, then he probably can't believe that you find him attractive. Then again I wouldn't take back your selfish a**, so it wouldn't matter. After what you and his best friend did, I imagine his self worth and trust in others is completely broken. Or maybe he doesn't care. I know I've become numb to my W's affection. It feels very hollow. I believe my WW regrets it all, but there's still this thick padding between us. She feels like an enemy, but I love her. I imagine a double betrayal would taint a man's soul. That's too much. At least I'm not dealing with that. I feel for your husband. If he's a good man I hope he can stay one. He deserves that wandering eye. If he's a looker, maybe it'll help him find a woman he deserves. Your comment "Then again I wouldn't take back your selfish a**, so it wouldn't matter." is so wrong for a couple reasons. 1) It is not nice to slam Compulsive when she is trying to help you. 2) You don't know what you might tolerate until it happens to you. Before you found out what your wife did, I bet you would have never imagined you would think about reconciling. Don't make statements like that unless you have lived through it and found it to be true. You risk offending people who are living through that situation and having to realize, at great shock to them, that they want to recon. So unless you are in that situation and getting a D then don't assume you would. You just can not know, until you have been there.
compulsivedancer Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Your comment "Then again I wouldn't take back your selfish a**, so it wouldn't matter." is so wrong for a couple reasons. 1) It is not nice to slam Compulsive when she is trying to help you. 2) You don't know what you might tolerate until it happens to you. Before you found out what your wife did, I bet you would have never imagined you would think about reconciling. Don't make statements like that unless you have lived through it and found it to be true. You risk offending people who are living through that situation and having to realize, at great shock to them, that they want to recon. So unless you are in that situation and getting a D then don't assume you would. You just can not know, until you have been there. Confused, thanks for the help, but its actually really interesting to hear his response. After all, he sounds like my husband. So it's interesting to essentially hear what my husband would say to me if I wasn't HIS WS. Also, as I've said elsewhere, I deserve it. And this is pretty mild in the scheme of things. Tau, your comment at the top "Good to know guys like me get commitment issues" is almost exactly what H said when I told him about you.
jnel921 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 How is the Relationship with your WW? if you are almost a year out and feel depressed and are noticing other women perhaps you need to leave the marriage. You married young and I am sure that since she has had this extra experience you must feel like she one upped you. Can you stay with her for the rest of your life forsaking all others?? My first H cheated. I left him because he was a virgin when we married. When he realized the attention he got he was flattered. It didn't matter that I was pregnant with baby no. 2 and we had a 1 year old. Once he did this it was over and I knew there was no reconciling from this. You are young and have no kids. If you don't feel it will work I wouldn't stay. I have been in both situations where I left one WH and stayed with my WH. I have more years and experience under my belt. We had a deeper relationship. that made the difference. Gold luck to you and feel better.
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