Alone

[Baby123]

I wish I knew the things I now know when I started my A.

 

I feel so alone, when I'm at family events I feel like an outsider, when I'm with friends I feel like a liar. No1 knows the whole truth.

 

I feel more depressed then I ever have. I don't want to start my new job and move anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore.

 

 

What the hell is the point.

 

I guess me and mm have hurt so many people, what makes my feelings more important than there's.

 

I feel so USED

[sybo24]

I wish I knew the things I now know when I started my A.

 

I feel so alone, when I'm at family events I feel like an outsider, when I'm with friends I feel like a liar. No1 knows the whole truth.

 

I feel more depressed then I ever have. I don't want to start my new job and move anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore.

 

 

What the hell is the point.

 

I guess me and mm have hurt so many people, what makes my feelings more important than there's.

 

I feel so USED

 

Sorry you are feeling alone and used. You are in the right place as there are a lot of us who have felt and still feel that way. #

 

You will have good days and bad days, your self esteem has been shattered and you blame yourself for getting into this mess.

 

Its not your fault and you must try your hardest to focus on the future with the potential of having a good relationship with a single guy and not a miserable time with a future faker.

 

Find something to do with your time and maybe be honest with friends and family. They are there to offer you comfort and not judge you.

 

Sending you a big hug and moral support at this bad time x

[happy stillmore]

Baby123,

We, OWs, have felt what you are feeling. Like you are living a charade. It is an empty feeling indeed. Wanting what you can't have. Your love was so intense that you were willing to go through this hell. When you realize that MM decides you aren't worth all of the stress and decided to stay in his marriage and return to a simple life, it hurts so much. I've been there. I have come to realize that I'm relieved in a way to be free of a future of his family hating me, etc. Don't feel bad about yourself. We are all good people. I highly doubt there is anyone on the forum who set out to hurt anyone by having a relationship with a married person. We were all in a place where we met someone who we connected with on a deep level. We were not looking at the situation with out brains. We jumped in feet first without thinking of the consequences. It is okay. We can all learn from this. The lesson I learned is that I am going to live am honest life and not be an MOW or OW ever again. You will find you are not alone on this website. It is reassuring to find others in the same boat. We are all good people who had a momentary lapse of reason. It happens to everyone at some point in their lives. Hugs.

[Got it]

I wish I knew the things I now know when I started my A.

 

I feel so alone, when I'm at family events I feel like an outsider, when I'm with friends I feel like a liar. No1 knows the whole truth.

 

I feel more depressed then I ever have. I don't want to start my new job and move anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore.

 

 

What the hell is the point.

 

I guess me and mm have hurt so many people, what makes my feelings more important than there's.

 

I feel so USED

 

((((Baby))))) Are you in IC? You sound very depressed. I know it is hard but sometimes it really is just putting one foot in front of the other and faking it till you make it.

 

What nice thing can you do for yourself today?

[cocorico]

I wish I knew the things I now know when I started my A.

 

I feel so alone, when I'm at family events I feel like an outsider, when I'm with friends I feel like a liar. No1 knows the whole truth.

 

I feel more depressed then I ever have. I don't want to start my new job and move anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore.

 

 

What the hell is the point.

 

I guess me and mm have hurt so many people, what makes my feelings more important than there's.

 

I feel so USED

 

Baby, if you're feeling used then your R is not working for you. No R should ever make you feel bad about yourself. If you're feeling as bad as you describe, you need to get out of the R, as its not doing what a R ahold - augment a full life, make your days even better, make your life even richer and make you feel even better about yourself and your place in the universe. This R is clearly not doing that, from what you describe, so it's not healthy for you and you need to leave it and get yourself into a better space.

 

Are you getting counselling? Do you have other sources of support? You sound lonely and isolated and right now it sounds like you could use a little TLC. (((Hugs)))

[Pierre]

I wish I knew the things I now know when I started my A.

 

I feel so alone, when I'm at family events I feel like an outsider, when I'm with friends I feel like a liar. No1 knows the whole truth.

 

I feel more depressed then I ever have. I don't want to start my new job and move anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore.

 

 

What the hell is the point.

 

I guess me and mm have hurt so many people, what makes my feelings more important than there's.

 

I feel so USED

 

 

OK, so you are unable to rationalize your actions. That may actually be a good thing. It shows you have a moral compass, a conscience. You are on the right track.

[threelaurels]

In the end, we are all alone, and we have to live with what we have done. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone hurts other people at some point in their life. We have to learn how to turn those mistakes into life lessons, not sulk in guilt, regret, and misery to punish ourselves for what we have done.

 

You can change yourself and start living an authentic life if you want to. It will take a lot of effort and courage, but it's possible to do. We are all afraid of what the future holds and that often makes us want to cling to what we have in the present, even if it isn't what we really want or what's best for us. Bravery is not the absence of fear but rather the ability to face that fear.

 

I know it's a cliche, but we cannot truly love someone else or have a healthy relationship until we love ourselves first. Therapy will help you start down on this path. Please try to make an appointment and see someone for your own sake. It sounds as though you may be dealing with depression, and a therapist will provide you with help and shoulder to cry on if that's what you need.

[Pierre]

In the end, we are all alone, and we have to live with what we have done. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone hurts other people at some point in their life. We have to learn how to turn those mistakes into life lessons, not sulk in guilt, regret, and misery to punish ourselves for what we have done.

 

You can change yourself and start living an authentic life if you want to. It will take a lot of effort and courage, but it's possible to do. We are all afraid of what the future holds and that often makes us want to cling to what we have in the present, even if it isn't what we really want or what's best for us. Bravery is not the absence of fear but rather the ability to face that fear.

 

I know it's a cliche, but we cannot truly love someone else or have a healthy relationship until we love ourselves first. Therapy will help you start down on this path. Please try to make an appointment and see someone for your own sake. It sounds as though you may be dealing with depression, and a therapist will provide you with help and shoulder to cry on if that's what you need.

 

 

What a beautiful post.

 

What really matters is what OP does now. Anyone can make a mistake. The main issue is to figure why the addiction to the EMR causes people to destroy their ethics.

[Baby123]

Thanks so much for your responses.

 

I haven't been to Ic because I move around alot, I think I need it though as I've been feeling so down I would just rather not wake up in the mornings.

 

My mm seems to be the only one who understands me. But then he hurts me, our relationship has taken away all my strength, I don't feel like the same person.

 

I understand why the bs was so cut up about him leaving her, it's so easy to get addicted to him

[Pierre]

it's so easy to get addicted to him

 

It is easy for you to get addicted because MM validates you.

 

 

A strong woman with a healthy self esteem that needs no validation would be nauseated by MM.

[Baby123]

It is easy for you to get addicted because MM validates you.

 

 

A strong woman with a healthy self esteem that needs no validation would be nauseated by MM.

 

Pierre your right, I have no self esteem. I used to atleast be confidant on the outside, now I don't even have that!

 

Being with a MM did make me feel sick however and that's why mine and mm A only lasted 6 weeks before he left her (we just waited over Xmas, ny period) as he knew I wouldn't stand being second best.

 

I didn't realise being with a separated man would be just as hard as mm.

 

I'm with my friend on holiday and I've came back to the room to cry

[ComingInHot]

Baby, I'm so sorry you are hurting!!

Sometimes the Worst thing that can happen is getting what we thought we wanted...

But then what "good" is it of we can't be proud and honest and open and share it with pride with All our family, friends and loved ones?? How can it be sad of it's what we want??

I wish I had all the answers for you. But I think you probably already have them somewhere inside you anyway* When you're ready to face your answers, whatever they may be, I truly believe you will gain a little piece of Yourself with each resolution.

 

Be well Baby*

CIH

[Baby123]

Baby, I'm so sorry you are hurting!!

Sometimes the Worst thing that can happen is getting what we thought we wanted...

But then what "good" is it of we can't be proud and honest and open and share it with pride with All our family, friends and loved ones?? How can it be sad of it's what we want??

I wish I had all the answers for you. But I think you probably already have them somewhere inside you anyway* When you're ready to face your answers, whatever they may be, I truly believe you will gain a little piece of Yourself with each resolution.

 

Be well Baby*

CIH

 

I don't even know if love shack is the place for me. I guess its for people still in A's. My A isn't necessarily the problem, its the age gap and the fact we have same fight over and over.

 

Obv the BS and the trust issues which stem from the fact that I know he has the capability to cheat contribute to our problems but I guess they aren't the crux of whats going on.

 

I really feel like i'm drowning, each day is so hard. Id rather just sleep than have the same arguments, same feelings of hurt effecting me everyday.

 

I've been trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle for months.

[Baby123]

I guess mine and MM's problem isn't about our A, its to do with our age gap. I'm about to start a new job and hes finding that really tough. He wants me to go and do everything I can, so we go nc, then we break it, and just go around and around in a circle.

 

Another problem we have is he is still in contact with the bs, I know he has to be to some extent but it does make me feel very insecure. Everyone in his life wants him to be with her, no one wants him to be with me.

 

Also I have found a lot of the things MM had said to me during our A to encourage me to stay in the A about the BS weren't 100% fact, she wasn't an orge, and sometimes we argue over this.

[Baby123]

I know MM loves me, he changed his life for me but at the same time having an A, being partly responsible for the downfall of someones marriage has taken its toll on me, I have had to lie to everyone I know, and when me and MM fight I feel like I have no support network and I guess that's why im on LS.

[Got it]

Baby fighting in a relationship is not normal. Drama in a love relationship is not normal. If you love each other then being together should not be difficult.

He's toxic to you. You know that. It's time to walk away. You gave your love a chance and stayed together despite him being married and when he separated it did not get better. It's time baby it's time.

 

What do you mean fighting in a relationship isn't normal? I think most would say that some fighting is actually quite healthy. Zero fighting/conflict is not healthy.

[Pierre]

What do you mean fighting in a relationship isn't normal? I think most would say that some fighting is actually quite healthy. Zero fighting/conflict is not healthy.

 

I believe she meant to say that being unhappy is not normal in a loving relationship.

[SoleMate]

I don't even know if love shack is the place for me. I guess its for people still in A's. My A isn't necessarily the problem, its the age gap and the fact we have same fight over and over.

 

Loveshack is not (just) for people still in A's. We have posters - both seeking and giving advice - from all corners of any triangle and in all stages relative to A: "pre"/considering/wavering, active, and over. You will find lots of practical support and sympathy for ending an affair. Many people here know the hurt they cause.

 

My mm seems to be the only one who understands me. But then he hurts me, our relationship has taken away all my strength, I don't feel like the same person.

Sounds like hell. A liar and cheater surrounded by his hostile family, who has used his lies to manipulate you. I can understand why you'd be depressed over this r/s.

[Baby123]

Sounds like hell. A liar and cheater surrounded by his hostile family, who has used his lies to manipulate you. I can understand why you'd be depressed over this r/s.

 

When i'm at my most unhappy this is how I feel.

 

I find i'm conflicted because he left, he loves me, he does want the best for me, and we do get on it.

 

Its the situations and the fact that in the back of my mind what you just said is true.

 

I want to walk away but don't seem capable of NC.

 

I don't want us to fail.

 

Thanks so much for being somewhere to talk LS.

[Baby123]

Update- me and sMM are doing okay atm.

 

We love eachother dearly, and are trying to work through our problems.

 

We've decided to take it slow while I start my new job and move to see if this relationship is right for me and while he concentrates on his kids and his D finalising.

 

I'm trying not to be so emotional in regards to the BS so he feels he can be more upfront about everything, not like he did before, that he couldn't mention her or risk me flipping out.

 

I know how much he values me and I need to be understanding of the pressures in his life.I think I owe it to myself and to him to give this a chance, and right now we both seem to be working towards something good.

 

If the arguments continue I will go NC, and move on but I think this deserves one last chance.

[I Miss the Kiss]

I may not be the right person to be giving you my thoughts, but I wanted to give you a hug <<<BABY>>>

 

I was in your shoes, and I still am, only maybe not exactly as on OW. My MM eventually divorced, but not before he had told me to "move on" repeatedly, which I finally tried to do. Then he came back.

 

Now I am in the midst of a very unhappy and even more complicated situation. The other posters are correct: We didn't get into the A because we are bad people. All A's are different. Some are with selfish men who are just using us. Others are with truly good men who are very unhappy and were weak and found happiness with someone other than his W. Is that the right thing to do? NO. But is this real life? Yes, and we are all human.

 

I, too, went through years of feeling second best. I lost weight, friends, and months or even years of productive time in my life with my four daughters. If I could go back and do it all over, I would.

 

Yes, I would have still left my abusive Ex-husband. Yes, I may have even still participated in the A (as awful as that sounds). But I would NOT have let myself be hurt and emotionally beaten up by the MM for as long as I did. There will always be emotional pain in an A, because the MM is likely not going to leave his M right away. But intentional back and forth, dumping via text message, blocking my phone number because he didn't have the strength to stay away from me on his own... all of it. I would not have let it go on for nearly as long as I did.

 

I wish I could say "No A will ever amount to a real relationship", but I don't really believe that. What I DO believe, however, is that any relationship that might result will not be without its own issues of trust and safety.

 

I believe my dMM loves me, but he has far more issues than I was willing to see all along. Even in the past 24 hours he has thrown me for a loop with his selfish and rude behavior.

 

Today is a good day, because today I see him for what he is to some level. He is human like me. He has good and bad days and he has hurt me just as I have hurt him. But intentional rude, lewd behavior I will not accept. I love him, but I am NOT his doormat anymore.

 

Wow, I am rambling on. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, and I want you to know that if you can get out of this A, you will look back and be so thankful you did it later on.

 

Please find IC, even if you can only see the counselor for a short while if you have to move on to another place or city. But don't sit there and try to do this yourself. We are all here. We understand. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

[kareena]

I wish I knew the things I now know when I started my A.

 

I feel so alone, when I'm at family events I feel like an outsider, when I'm with friends I feel like a liar. No1 knows the whole truth.

 

I feel more depressed then I ever have. I don't want to start my new job and move anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore.

 

 

What the hell is the point.

 

I guess me and mm have hurt so many people, what makes my feelings more important than there's.

 

I feel so USED

 

I'm so sorry that you are hurting ((((hugs))))

I can relate,I have often felt that way..you are not alone,and you don't have to be.

 

Are you on any type of medication? Are you seeing a therapist? If not I highly recommend you see someone it will really help and you will get the proper medication if needed.

 

Starting a new job and moving to a new place are very Very exciting things! I wish I had that luxury! It's a fresh start so try to look at the positives and focus on the new path that you are about to walk.

 

A's tend to hurt everyone involved or in the picture,don't beat yourself up it's not you are the only person who has ever hurt someone.

 

I hope this helps you feel better!!

[Baby123]

I may not be the right person to be giving you my thoughts, but I wanted to give you a hug <<<BABY>>>

 

I was in your shoes, and I still am, only maybe not exactly as on OW. My MM eventually divorced, but not before he had told me to "move on" repeatedly, which I finally tried to do. Then he came back.

 

Now I am in the midst of a very unhappy and even more complicated situation. The other posters are correct: We didn't get into the A because we are bad people. All A's are different. Some are with selfish men who are just using us. Others are with truly good men who are very unhappy and were weak and found happiness with someone other than his W. Is that the right thing to do? NO. But is this real life? Yes, and we are all human.

 

I, too, went through years of feeling second best. I lost weight, friends, and months or even years of productive time in my life with my four daughters. If I could go back and do it all over, I would.

 

Yes, I would have still left my abusive Ex-husband. Yes, I may have even still participated in the A (as awful as that sounds). But I would NOT have let myself be hurt and emotionally beaten up by the MM for as long as I did. There will always be emotional pain in an A, because the MM is likely not going to leave his M right away. But intentional back and forth, dumping via text message, blocking my phone number because he didn't have the strength to stay away from me on his own... all of it. I would not have let it go on for nearly as long as I did.

 

I wish I could say "No A will ever amount to a real relationship", but I don't really believe that. What I DO believe, however, is that any relationship that might result will not be without its own issues of trust and safety.

 

I believe my dMM loves me, but he has far more issues than I was willing to see all along. Even in the past 24 hours he has thrown me for a loop with his selfish and rude behavior.

 

Today is a good day, because today I see him for what he is to some level. He is human like me. He has good and bad days and he has hurt me just as I have hurt him. But intentional rude, lewd behavior I will not accept. I love him, but I am NOT his doormat anymore.

 

Wow, I am rambling on. I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone, and I want you to know that if you can get out of this A, you will look back and be so thankful you did it later on.

 

Please find IC, even if you can only see the counselor for a short while if you have to move on to another place or city. But don't sit there and try to do this yourself. We are all here. We understand. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

 

 

I can't explain how nice it was to read your message. I guess a lot of people come here really battered by being in an A, and therefore can't see that some real relationships can begin from them, even in my immediate circle I know of 6 marriages resulting from A's so I know they happen.

 

Its the aftershocks of the A that are hard to deal with, but I hope not impossible. I guess when you've seen eachother at your worst its hard to go back- I know MM is capable of cheating and hurting the people that are close to him. I also have major issues of jelousy towards the BS, mainly from the nights I spent wishing I was with him. MM has 98% of the time delivered everything I have asked of him, it is me that is impossible to deal with and who has impossible standards.

 

I just hope we work it out- it is the age gap that is getting us more than anything atm but we both seem happier now we've taken a step back and have promised to be good to one another.

 

Are you and dMM just taking things slow and trying to have a real relationship? are the BS's still on the scene?

 

Again thanks so much for your reply and I wish you every bit of luck with your situ *hugs*

[Baby123]

I'm so sorry that you are hurting ((((hugs))))

I can relate,I have often felt that way..you are not alone,and you don't have to be.

 

Are you on any type of medication? Are you seeing a therapist? If not I highly recommend you see someone it will really help and you will get the proper medication if needed.

 

Starting a new job and moving to a new place are very Very exciting things! I wish I had that luxury! It's a fresh start so try to look at the positives and focus on the new path that you are about to walk.

 

A's tend to hurt everyone involved or in the picture,don't beat yourself up it's not you are the only person who has ever hurt someone.

 

I hope this helps you feel better!!

 

 

Thanks for replying, I've read a few of your threads and I hope your feeling better and getting on the road to recovery.

 

I think I wrote the above messege when I was really low, as in, ill on holiday low.

 

I would like to go to IC but MM is very against the idea and since we're working it out idk what to make of it.

 

I hate myself for how many lies ive told, its all like a complex web

[I Miss the Kiss]

Are you and dMM just taking things slow and trying to have a real relationship? are the BS's still on the scene?

 

I left my exH several months into the A. dMM went back and forth for months--even years-- until it finally "stuck" about two years into it.

 

He and his BS are "civil", I guess, but really have little contact except about the kids, who are old enough at 13 and 11 to speak to him directly about scheduling, etc.

 

dMM and I are at a standstill. And today I am very very angry with his behavior (see my other post). But should we ever decide to move forward, it would be very slowly and from a distance (we live nearly 4 hours apart). Right now, though, I don't even see a future with him. Too angry.

 

I do hope you feel better soon...