HealingHands Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I'm new to this forum, so forgive me if I break any protocol. Met this guy on one of the online dating sites. We are both in our mid-40's, with kids, both divorced. I'd been on for about 6 wks, out on a half dozen dates, no real sparks. Until him. He contacted me. First date at a public garden, we hit it off, he texts me shortly after to say how comfortable he was with me (likewise). We make a date for a week later; tons of texting, emailing and phone calls in between. 2nd date: movie at his place, dinner at a nice restaurant , then another movie at his place which we never finished because the sparks flew and we got intimate. Spent the night at his place, lazy morning, late brunch at a restaurant, ending early afternoon only because I had to work. So, an intense 24 hrs together, with lots of conversation as well as sex. He said he would contact me later in the week. He did, to tell me a) he was a little freaked out by how fast things went( as was I, I told him), & that it never developed that quickly in the past, and b) his ex-girlfriend had emailed him (they had split about 9 wks earlier after 4 yrs together). He confessed he did miss her, wondering if he wasn't quite over her & maybe that's why he let things happen so quickly between us. He said he wanted time to think things out, and that he was also going to see his therapist (who he'd seen post-divorce, presumably) to hash things out. He also said he couldn't think of a reason not to be with me, but he wanted time, and if I didn't want to wait, he'd understand. I told him I really liked him but I would respect his request for space. He thanked me for my patience with him. I have fallen hard for this guy, but I'm continuing to go out on dates with others and stay busy, and not push. He's the first man I've really let my guard down with since my divorce. Today, I noticed he updated his dating profile 5 days ago (the last time he emailed me thanking me for being patient with him) and what he added is something to the effect that he is looking for a monogamous relationship, he is not a serial dater, and though he knows people who do this, that's not what he is looking for. Is that a dig at me? As in, seeing that I was still active on the dating site & not sitting by the phone waiting for him? Is he truly trying to sort out his head? Has he dismissed a future relationship with me? Is he a champion BS'r, and I just didn't see it? I'd truly appreciate any advice, please. And thanks!
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 He did, to tell me a) he was a little freaked out by how fast things went( as was I, I told him), & that it never developed that quickly in the past, and b) his ex-girlfriend had emailed him (they had split about 9 wks earlier after 4 yrs together). He confessed he did miss her, wondering if he wasn't quite over her & maybe that's why he let things happen so quickly between us. He said he wanted time to think things out, and that he was also going to see his therapist (who he'd seen post-divorce, presumably) to hash things out. He also said he couldn't think of a reason not to be with me, but he wanted time, and if I didn't want to wait, he'd understand. I told him I really liked him but I would respect his request for space. He thanked me for my patience with him. He certainly used a lot of excuses, I'll give him that. I don't know if this is the case here, but this is usually what these so called "player" types do after they've managed to bed you. They also say things like "I can't believe how comfortable I'm with you", "I feel like I've known you for years", "I've never fallen for somebody so fast", all of this after, or even before, only the first date. Luring you into a false sense of security that they genuinely like you so you'll give it up easy. I don't know if this is what's going on here but this guy doesn't sound very trustworthy. 1
Author HealingHands Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Yeah, beginning to wonder. He said he didn't think he was ready for a relationship, but why would he then update his profile? I'm just getting back into dating after a 20 yr marriage...Christ I probably have a big ole' target on my back. He seemed like such a nice, honest guy. How do you develop trust in people again after something like this?
Archgirl Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) Sounds like one of the manchilds (seriously look up this dating personality type on OKC most divorced guys i've met fit this pretty well *). Having what he wants, always having a plausible emotionally vulnerable/psychologically valid reason for behaving like an ass, no respect for anything but his own needs (I waaaant!!) and sliding in out of things without ever directly communicating anything honest (that was him breaking up with you BTW but leaving it open enough in case he wants to sleep with you again). Look I had a rough time getting back into dating after only a 6 year relationship so I can only sorta relate. But 80% of the guys still single post about 26 are habitually so, only 20% are the normal ones that are between stable loving relationships. The only way to get better at spotting them/dating again is practice, not compromising on guys that impact poorly on your sense of self worth and learning to have shifting shields up emotionally. You survived a marriage breakdown. You can survive anything some jerk throws at you too. But don't get stuck in the melodramatic victim mindset - what because a guy you just met wasn't the one/rejected you, you may never be able to trust again?!?! Pfft! There's plenty of good men out there, ya just gotta stay tough and in the saddle. Best of luck xox *Total side note but anyone else on OKC either a Peach or a Playstation depending on how horny they are? Edited July 8, 2013 by Archgirl
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Yeah, beginning to wonder. He said he didn't think he was ready for a relationship, but why would he then update his profile? I'm just getting back into dating after a 20 yr marriage...Christ I probably have a big ole' target on my back. He seemed like such a nice, honest guy. How do you develop trust in people again after something like this? Take this for what it was - a learning experience. You are not a target any more than anybody else out there dating is, you just need to learn to spot the warning signs.
Author HealingHands Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 I will say that the movie at his house was not in the original plans-we were planning on golfing but then it rained so movies were plan b. Doesn't matter, though, does it, with the ultimate outcome?
shexy Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Yeah, the movie at my/your place thing that soon is pretty much just code for sex. Even if you had went golfing, the movie suggestion probably would have been made after the golfing ended. It really sounds like he got what he was after and now he's done.
Author HealingHands Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Ugh....how can I be so naive at 44? Well, chalk it up to a learning experience, as Rebel said. Thanks for listening, ladies.
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